A fresh wave of tears falls from my eyes. I did almost die and there was no one to help me but myself. Theresa passes me a box of tissues. I never looked at my life from Theresa’s perspective, but, unfortunately, it’s as bad as my own view. I’m just less at fault. Still, it’s all completely fucked up.
“You…” She pokes me in the arm with her index finger. “…are brave, Laura. You went into this relationship with Lee knowing full well you may not see him for some time. Yet, you still did it because you followed your heart. Most people would have moved on. Not you. And Lee is the right kind of guy for you, I know it. What did he text you after you freaked out on him?”
I take a moment to absorb what Theresa has said about me while I wipe my face. I don’t feel brave right now. I’m a coward for running away from Lee. I pick up my phone and look at his messages. “Please talk to me. I promise I’ll listen. Laura, I’ve missed you so much. Just text me back when you’re ready to talk.” I show the phone to Theresa and she nods.
“See? Most asshole guys would have said something like, ‘What the fuck is your problem?’ or whatever. He’s concerned about you. Text him back. Now.” She points to my phone and stares me down, hard. Eek. I can do nothing but obey. Her kindergarten students must all be scared to defy her.
Laura Merchant
I’m sorry I freaked out on you, Lee. I hope you’ll talk to me again.
I hit send and the bubble hangs on the screen. I stare at the progress bar but nothing happens. After several gulps of seltzer, I check my phone again and the text is green indicating it sent as a text message instead of an iMessage. This has happened only twice in the past month Lee and I have been dating. He never turns off his phone because he has clients all over the world and he wants to be available for them or his family. But when he travels, he can’t always be reached. What does this mean? Did I freak him out enough for him to go back to work? He said his next client trip was to Tokyo, but he pushed it back so he could come see me. “Don’t come. Don’t call me. Get on with your life,” rings through my head. I was so final about it. Maybe he took me at my word?
“It sent as a text message. I have no idea why.” I throw the phone onto the couch behind me and sit forward to cry again. “What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m tired, broken, and I have major trust issues. Lee could see through all of that. He’s probably already moved on.”
“This is nonsense.” Theresa stands up, slowly straightening her legs and leaning back as her belly comes up first. Damn, she’s big. She’s due in four weeks now. “It’s past ten o’clock.” She grabs a blanket from the chair across from us. “Sleep here on the couch, and when you wake up tomorrow morning, I want you to go home, pack a bag, and get on a flight to Seoul. Your fucking waste of a mother is gone. God, you know, I always thought she was selfish for the way she turned into herself and ignored you for years, but I was willing to give her a break because of the nervous breakdown. Now I honestly think she faked it, faked it all, to get attention from your dad and from you. Bet she’s a narcissist.”
Theresa is rummaging in her linen closet, but I’m glued to the couch. Really? Did my own mother take advantage of me my whole life? Every past event of my existence runs through my head like the trailer of a horror film. All of my mother’s nervous breakdowns came at the most opportune times, and she always recovered from them so quickly. Did she fool me, Dad, and all her therapists?
I don’t think she fooled Theresa.
I jump up from the couch and tackle my best friend with a hug. “I love you, Theresa. Don’t ever change. You’re always right about everything.”
I pull away, and she hands me a toothbrush still in its clear plastic packaging. “Here. I save the ones from all our dentist visits. Brush your teeth and go to bed. And I’m serious about going to Seoul. Just get on a plane and go. You have weeks worth of vacation you’ve never taken. I’m sure work will be able to cover for you.”
“What do I do when I get there?”
“You get on the phone, call Lee, and tell him to pick you up at the airport.”
“What if he doesn’t answer?” I ask, my voice soft and hesitant. “What if I’ve screwed this up for good?”
“Then you take a vacation by yourself. You check out the country, come home, and I’ll help you figure the rest out.”
Chapter
Twenty-Six
=
Lee
My flight lands at JFK in New York on schedule. At least something is going right for once. I slept fitfully on the plane even though I wasn’t very tired. I left Seoul around 10:00am on Thursday, and now I’m in New York at 10:00am on Thursday. Traveling this far back in time is always hard for me, but I’m a good napper, my only saving grace when I travel. I didn’t bother to check my bag so I deplane from first class, practically sprint through customs, straight for the taxi cab stand outside. It’s raining and 55ºF. Thanks, New York. The weather in Seoul was nicer.
The line for cabs is only a dozen people deep and plenty of taxis await fares so I’m off towards Manhattan in no time. My cab driver is the type who likes to swerve in and out of lanes of traffic at one hundred miles per hour while listening to AM radio and talking on his hands-free. Fine by me. I’m not going to complain because for once I’ve landed in New York at the end of rush hour and no one is on the Belt. It’s a fucking miracle.
I pull out my phone in the car, turn it on, and let the system adjust to the new time zone. While I’m waiting for it to boot up, I stare out the window as lower Manhattan looms up and off to my left. It’s just another typical day in the city. A helicopter is lifting off the pad at Wall Street and only a few boats bob in the harbor. Not the best weather for being on the water but the rain is light at least.
My phone buzzes and a new text from Laura appears on the screen.
Laura Merchant
I’m sorry I freaked out on you, Lee. I hope you’ll talk to me again.
I wonder when she sent this. It came through as a text message, so probably while I was on my flight. My breathing kicks up as I smile at the phone. She’s okay and still wants to talk to me. Good! I’m going to go straight to her apartment. Maybe she stayed home today (she did look ill last night) and I can surprise her. If she doesn’t answer her door, I’ll call her and figure it out. I just hope she’s happy to see me.
The car pulls up outside of her brownstone on Fifteenth Street after only forty minutes. I don’t think I’ve ever made it into Manhattan so quickly. I pull out an extra twenty dollar bill and hand it to the driver.
“Thanks. You have no idea how badly I needed to get here.”
He smiles at the tip and jumps out of the car to unload my bag from the trunk. “Need a receipt?”
“Yes, please.” I take my bag to the curb and stand under a tree that’s come into bloom. Its new buds shield some of the misty rain coming down on me. The cab driver hands me the receipt and drives away at the speed of light. I duck my head and run up Laura’s stairs, stand under the overhang, and peer down her street. Her block is just the way I pictured it based on the photos she sent me. I turn to the set of buzzers and press the button for 3B while I pull out my phone to search for nearby cafes in case she doesn’t answer. The nearest Starbucks pops up around the corner on Google Maps when the door opens behind me.
“Oh my god. Lee?” Laura stands in the doorway. Her long brown hair is twirled over one shoulder, and her eyes are rimmed in red. She’s frozen in place with her mouth wide open, wearing a light blue rain coat, black flats, and her suitcase in her hand.
“Hey, gorgeous. Going somewhere?” I smile at her, and her eyes fill with tears.
“Yeah. I was, um, going to Seoul. 1:00pm flight.” She has a wad of papers in her hand that she waves around, so I reach out and take her hand, removing the papers and tucking them in my bag. She was coming to see me, as I was coming to see her. It must be fate.
“It’s a good thing my flight goes back in time or I might have missed you. I have missed you. So much.”
Her hand in mine starts to shake. I pull her to me and wrap my arms around her, and her body trembles as she cries into my coat. “Laura, whatever you want to tell me, it doesn’t matter.”
“I can’t believe you’re here. I thought I had pushed you away for good.”
“Nope.” I pull back and take her face in my hands. She’s beautiful even when she’s crying. “You only made me run to you faster.”
I lean in and kiss her, kiss her with all the frustration I’ve held back for the last four weeks, with all the emotion I have left in me. I drive everything into this kiss, and she gives it all back to me, both of her hands clutched to my upper back, leaning into me as if we can become one person just by pushing a little harder. Her street is noisy with cars speeding towards Ninth Avenue but all I can feel are her lips, the intake of her breath, and her shaking legs.
This is what I came seven thousand miles for. I came here for her, to be near her, to see her face, to hold her body, to never let her go. I don’t think I’ll be able to leave her again.
Laura pulls away from me first to smile and laugh. “Addictive,” she says, opening her eyes and looking into mine. She brings her thumbs up and wipes away her tears from my cheeks. “I’ve been waiting for that kiss for way too long, Lee.”
“Here.” I lean over and kiss her again, this time shorter and sweeter, and she moans lightly. “You can have two.”
A gust of wind showers us both with rain and Laura shivers. “Come inside.” She opens the door and ushers me in. I grab both of our bags and start up the stairs with her behind me. “Thanks, Lee. Third floor. I don’t think I could have carried it up. I’m sore and weak today.”
“Are you sick?” I ask. She does look awfully pale.
“Well, I went to barre class, then I ate that lasagna, and it all came back up and then some. I slept on Theresa’s couch last night and only had a banana and a muffin from the deli this morning while I was packing. But it was anxiety, all my own doing. I don’t think I’m sick.”
I stop on the third floor landing, and she slips past me to open the door marked 3B. “Is your mother here?”
“Nope. She left for her wedding and won’t be back.” Her voice is bitter and angry, and I don’t blame her. If my brother or sister got married without inviting me, I would be pissed off beyond belief. It’s bad enough my mother thinks I’m a failure. Laura and I have so much in common.
We walk in, and I leave my shoes at the door next to hers. “Your apartment is exactly like I thought it would be.” I got a good tour via FaceTime, but walking in, the space is warm and dry and smells of cinnamon and incense. The door to her mother’s room is open, and Laura stripped the bed and left the linens on the floor. The room is a jumble of cardboard moving boxes, some packed and others open.
“Well, it won’t be my apartment for much longer.” She sighs, dropping her keys on the kitchen table. In the living room is a neat stack of boxes, too. She’s already been packing, and all of her framed photos are off the walls, all the knickknacks from around her television gone. My stomach twists into a knot.
“I’m sorry, Laura. This cannot be easy for you.”
She pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs again. “Lee, I’m so glad you’re here.” She slips off her coat and reaches out to take mine away. “I have a lot to tell you.”
I step over to her and the nearness of my body to hers changes everything about her demeanor. Her breathing speeds up and becomes shallow. Her neck heats, blushing a bright crimson red, and she licks her bottom lip as her pupils widen. I trace my fingers down the side of her temple, around her ear, and take a lock of hair between my fingers before pushing it back over her shoulder.
“I… I, uhhhh…” she stammers, closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath. I let my hand rest between her shoulder blades and bring the other to her hip. She’s wearing a soft pink, v-neck t-shirt and when I look down, her breasts swell. Perfect. “Lee, you’re making this really hard.”
“I know,” I say back. “I don’t want to hear anything right now.” I lean down to her ear, and her body trembles in my hands. I’ve dreamt of this moment for weeks and whatever she thinks she needs to tell me, it can wait. “Do you remember all the things I said I’d do to you when we got together?”
Breath heaves from her body, and she crosses her legs. “Oh god, yes.”
“Let’s get started.”
Chapter
Twenty-Seven
=
Laura
“Let’s get started.”
Two years.
Over two years.
It’s actually been almost three years since I last had sex and there’s nothing I want more right this moment. Lee knows where my bedroom is even though he’s never been here before. He turns from me in the kitchen and walks straight to my bedroom door, tugging my hand. I trip over my own two legs that I crossed to keep the ache from swallowing me whole and smash into him.
“You’re awfully eager, Laura.” He smiles at me as I right myself.
“I could say the same about you.” My room is a disaster. I packed hastily, throwing items into my suitcase and tossing anything that got in my way onto the floor. Piles of clothes, a jumble of boots, and an empty cardboard box take up most of the available walking space. When I think back on our FaceTime conversations, his room was always immaculate. “Sorry about the mess.”
Lee spots the candles on my dresser and picks one up, raising his eyebrows at me. I point to the bedside table and the lighter sitting next to my books. No words. He reads my mind perfectly, except for one small problem. I’m frozen and can’t move. I thought this day would come, and we would naturally fall into bed with each other. In the best case scenario in my head, I pictured telling him everything of my past and then us sleeping together, but the action in my head never got past kissing because I couldn’t let myself believe any of it.
“Are you okay, Laura?” Five candles are lit and Lee stops to set down the lighter and take my hand.
“Lee-I-haven’t-had-sex-in-three-years,” falls from my mouth, a broken dam of shame and embarrassment. I look at our feet. Lee is rigidly still, and the mood feels ruined all of a sudden.
“What?” he asks, his voice rising. “But, how can that be?”
“It’s more like two and a half years. I haven’t slept with anyone since Rene.” I lift my head and make eye contact with him. He is genuinely perplexed, his head tilted and eyebrows drawn together. It’s sweet he shows his emotions for me. He was more buttoned-up on our first date, calm and reserved, and still I fell for him hard. This is the Lee I’ve come to love over the last four weeks.
“But, Laura, I thought…”
“You thought what?” I whisper.
Lee is so close, his body heat is bouncing off of me. “That a beautiful woman like you would have, I don’t know, taken advantage of, well, fuck dates. I’m sure men were falling all over themselves to take you home. I mean, you told me you hadn’t dated anyone, but I thought you were censoring things for me.”
I shake my head at him. “I don’t do that, Lee. Not anymore. I now stay celibate unless… unless he’s really fucking special.”
He smiles and tugs my hips towards his. “That’s quite a compliment.”
He doesn’t want to talk right now and neither do I. I lift my arms, hesitantly at first, but place my hands on his chest and slide them up around his neck. His body is so sexy, I can’t handle to even look at it with his clothes on. The black short-sleeve shirt he’s wearing clings to the muscles in his chest. I let my eyes wander down past his stomach to the dark jeans slung across his waist, the bulge in his pants is pressed against my abdomen. I pull my body up and to him, stretching to my tip toes so I can really kiss him. Our lips meet, and we open to each other immediately, a kiss so passionate it heats my entire body, his tongue sliding down past mine. I’m too far away from him, even like this. When his hands grab my ass, I lift my legs around him and squeeze down. He moans directly into my mouth, and my body starts
to shake.
Turning me around, he lays me on the bed. I had forgotten how good it is to have a lover’s weight on top of me. It feels safe, secure, right. Lee pulls back and sits up, straddled over my middle.
“Three years is a crime, Laura. An absolute crime.” He pulls my shirt from my waist up over my head, kisses my navel, and runs his tongue lengthwise across my lower abdomen, chills following in his wake.
“Mmmm,” he says, sitting up. “Tell me what you like, Laura.”
“You don’t want to try and figure it out?” I tease back.
“I want to hear you tell me.” Oh, yes, Lee likes dirty talk. A wave of pleasure rolls over me from the waist up remembering our virtual sex when he described everything he’d do to me if we were together.
Hmmm, what should I start with?
“My favorite is oral…”
“Good, mine too.” His eyes are so happy. Damn, I’m lucky.
“And I pretty much have no limits when it comes to sex, Lee.” He raises his eyebrows at me. “Well, okay, one-on-one sex only. I want monogamy. One person to share things with.”
I close my eyes as I let Lee consider my intention. It’s a leap, from a tall, dangerous cliff, and I’m floating for a moment over the ground wondering if I’ll catch the wind and soar or die in a crushing thud.
“I want that person to be me.” He unbuttons the waistband of my pants and pulls them off. A huge breath empties from my lungs, relaxing my body to sink into the bed. “Hey,” he whispers, right over me. “Did you think I’d say no?”
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