Me: Dun, dun, daahh!! The best part of this movie …
Mike: Mmmm.
Me: The ogre shows a little more of himself this time than the last few.
Mike: Ogre bottom! You know what? I’ve actually showed my bottom in everything that I’ve done.
Me: Why is that?
Mike: Because it’s insured by Lloyd’s of London for ten million dollars is why.
Me: Really?!
Mike: No!
Me: Ooo!!!! Can I give you a little? (Gesturing a slap.)
Mike: You literally want to smack my bottom?
Me: I did! Now that it’s worth ten million dollars, I’m in!
Mike: No, actually part of the insurance is that you cannot smack my bottom.
Me: Oh! Are they okay that it already has a crack in it?
Mike: Jamumumbarumbum! Bop! How come I feel like I’m on the set of Hee Haw right now? “Jamumumbarumbum! And now The Good Old Boys!” (Makes an open-mouth smile to the camera then proceeds to play the Hee Haw theme on air-banjo, emphasizing the word, “Shrek.”)
Me: What cracks you up the most in the film?
Mike: My favorite is the Frog King. How long it takes for him to die makes me laugh a great deal.
Me: You are a sick man.
Mike: You don’t even know the beginning of it. Help me, man!
Me: Were you willing to give him mouth-to-mouth if it came to that?
Mike: Oh, lord!
Me: Now I’ve always heard that Far Far Away is awesome because everybody gets a happy ending?
Mike: Oh my God!! Yes. I think you make your own happy ending.
Me: I usually have to pay for mine!
Mike: Oh, lord! Oh, no! This has turned a very dirty corner. And I want to tell you that I have nothing to do with it. Hi, I’m Mike Myers! Go see Shrek the Third or “Potty Mouth” will come and shout at ya!
(We both laugh.)
Mike: Okay, let’s recap now. My bottom is insured?
Me: Definitely!
Mike: There’s a crack in it?
Me: Totally!
Mike: And you’re asking me if I want to open-mouth-kiss a frog?
Me: And if there’s happy endings in Far Far Away?
Mike: (To camera:) Good night, everybody! Hi, I’m Mike Myers. (He, again, plays the Hee Haw theme on air-banjo with the room laughing.)
The Shrek interviews were, in a way, a great accomplishment for me because I conducted a genuine No Good TV interview without anyone ever actually using a traditional curse word. Granted, there were more innuendos flying around the room than poison darts in the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark! Still, it made me super proud, and it proved something very important: Being No Good didn’t require swearing … it’s the whole state-of-mind thing.
Ultimately, you don’t have to be a super-dirty human being or swear every other word to be No Good. But I will say this: There’s a mentality that goes with swearing that says about a person, “I do not take myself too seriously,” which I think is critical. When an Oscar-winning actor/director like Kevin Costner admits his favorite curse word is “dick,” or showbiz legend and afterlife aficionado Shirley MacLaine drops multiple F-bombs, with wild abandon and ease, while promoting her spiritual book Sage-ing While Age-ing, it’s like a breath of fresh air.
Shirley: You should fucking get this book because it’s really fucking interesting. It won’t teach you anything about fucking, but it will teach you about love. Love as opposed to fucking, and I think it’s a fucking good idea. So fuck. Do it!
In the immortal words of Shirley, Yoda, and Nike: Just do it already, Clooney!
I know the suspense is killing you so I’ll stop the torture.
We finally got George for the movie Leatherheads.
But it had almost nothing to do with us. Universal, the studio behind it, decided that our audience, mostly young college-age guys, was the perfect target audience for the film about a college football hero in the 1920s.
Fine, whatever you say, we’ll take it!
I wanted to be on fleek for George, so I prepared like an OCD maniac for this interview. I’m using “on fleek” ironically, unlike Amal Clooney’s long white gloves. I pray so hard that by the time this book comes out “on fleek” is as extinct as dusky seaside sparrows, Jamaican giant galliwasps, “amazeballs,” “meh,” and “totes.” Anyhoo (ugh, I can’t stop), I don’t just walk into interviews blindly and wing it. You’d be surprised how many interviewers do. Literally, standing in the hall five minutes before, going, “What should I ask Nicole Kidman?” Before I meet anyone, I don’t care if it’s George Clooney or Kirk Cameron (well maybe not Kirk Cameron), I’ve researched them to the point of a possible restraining order (I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed to be within five hundred feet of Game of Thrones star Jason Momoa for another six months; I need to check with my lawyer). I’ve also seen the movie and taken notes. Even though NGTV is funny and chill, I get made fun of for being one of the only people who walks into a screening with a notepad, clipboard, and pen like Julie McCoy on The Love Boat. Writing dick jokes is a serious business, don’tcha know!
After I do all my research, I come up with a solid icebreaker as the best opening question. Before they get to me, these stars have been asked a lot of the same questions over and over until they’re numb, like, “Tell me about your character.” I hate that question and I’ll never ask it. “What inspired you?” I don’t care! It’s like daggers in my eyes. I want to be different, original, and memorable, so I spend a shitload of time on my opener because it will set the tone for the whole thing. When I did Samuel L. Jackson for Snakes on a Plane, my first question wasn’t, “What was it like to work with all of those snakes?” Zzzzzzzzzz. Instead, I went with “Does the size of the snake matter?” and his answer was priceless:
Samuel: So I’ve heard, but no, not in this one because we have some snakes that are about this big … (he holds his hands roughly six inches apart) that do a lot of damage.
Who doesn’t love a good dick double entendre? I know I do!
Penis size was probably not the best direction to go with Clooney, though he’s not averse to dick jokes. According to Roseanne Barr, he allegedly put a picture of his manhood wearing Groucho Marx glasses on the set’s refrigerator and reportedly once slapped a SMALL PENIS ONBOARD bumper sticker on his BFF Brad Pitt’s car. But I didn’t want to blow it—get it?—with George in the first few seconds, so I decided to focus on the movie instead. I was so psyched that we finally got the interview, yet nervous to finally come face-to-face with the man that causes so many to get “Cloners” aka Clooney boners. Not because I thought I’d go weak in the knees and become a babbling fool as soon as I saw him, like I did with Rob Zombie. It was more because it was nerve-wracking just walking into the unknown. That room is a huge question mark. You have no idea what happened right before you got there, if the interviewer before you pissed them off, if they took their meds that day or got an angry text from a secret gay lover, if their shrink’s on vacation, if they have explosive diarrhea from eating Indian food for lunch or haven’t eaten carbs in five days … there are so many factors out of your control.
Jeremy Renner was a classic example of how the unknown can spin you sideways. The first time I interviewed Jeremy, for the movie Dahmer at the Toronto Film Festival, we bonded over our mutual love of keepin’ it real, in the form of a no-cussword-left-behind cluster bombing. It was the start of a long and interesting relationship. My overall take on Jeremy is that he’s a salt-of-the-earth guy who oozes talent and abhors industry bullshit. He wasn’t handed his A-list status overnight so he doesn’t take it for granted. He had to earn it over time, and in the process, he developed a deep appreciation for everything he’s gained. There’s a groundedness to him that is very endearing.
He’s very similar in that way to another remarkably grounded actor/director, Ben Affleck. Now there’s a guy who was unceremoniously stripped of his VIP status at the “Blockbuster Bathhouse,” then found hi
mself dragged naked through the streets of Gigli en route to a showbiz prison shanking called “straight to DVD,” only to turn it around and make those soul assassins his bitch. Never once turning asshole. Ben has always been one of the most gracious guys in the biz. Like his buddy Matt Damon, he’s from Boston, so cursing is like an oxygen bar; he pulls up to the counter and lines up shots.
He was always welcoming, always funny, and genuinely No Good! Never shy when it came to cussin’ up a storm, his head-spinning, crazy good impressions are legendary. And his over-the-top impression of Colin Farrell from back when they were shooting Daredevil might just be, hands down, one of his funniest moments we ever caught on tape:
Ben: A Colin Farrell impersonation is just basically like this …
(He drops his head and raises his arms, to emulate Colin Farrell’s wild personality. Then turns on a super thick, almost Lucky Charms, Irish accent.)
“Oh, heey, how are ya? Fuuuck, I’m fuckin’ greeeat.”
(He’s now practically out of his chair and looking around the room, crazily.)
“I tell ya what, have you seen that fuckin’ girl? I fucked ’er! I did … she’s DY-NA-MITE n’ I fucked ’er! Dynamite gal … ya? That one?”
(He points in the other direction.)
“Did you see Playboy ninety-nine, mate? I fucked HER! I did, and it was fuckin’ great … Do you want a pint? Let’s go have a fuckin’ pint and fuck girls. I can’t! I can’t fuckin’ believe it. I mean they hire me in this fuckin’ business to be a fuckin’ actor, and they’re paying fuckin’ millions, AND fuckin’ girls!”
(Ben turns off the “Colin” switch with a giant grin on his face.)
And there he is! That’s why Colin Farrell’s the coolest guy to hang out with in the world.
Then, of course, there was the junket for The Town, where we had a funny exchange about his costar, my buddy Jeremy Renner, when it was time to throw down and promote the film. A tradition of ours he was very familiar with:
Ben: (Thinking stressfully to himself, aloud:) What’s my favorite curse word? Well, I know what Renner’s would be …
Me: His was basic.
Ben: (Getting excited.) What did he say?… (Whispering:) “Cunt?”
Me: FUCK! (I’m disappointed, having now realized that “cunt” was on the table.) Oh no! He didn’t! That must be his favorite one though, huh?
Ben: It is! He must’ve been too shy … um … favorite curse word? You know what? Renner’s real favorite curse word was the one thing he did that he improvised all the time, and I cut out. I cut this out of the movie in like forty different scenes! He’d say (in a Boston accent) “Fuck you, you cocksuck!”
(I erupt into laughter as Ben shakes his is head, remembering his disapproval on set.)
Ben: (With his director hat on.) And I’d be like … (Shaking his head.) “No one’s a cocksuck, let’s not…” (Smiling.) “Great, let’s do that again? Maybe without the cocksuck? Great. Great, thanks.”
Me: Nice! (Laughing so hard ’cause I could just visualize this ridiculous exchange on set.)
Ben: There you go, my least favorite curse word.
To this day, it’s always a pleasure to get in the ring with Ben. It seems that no matter how far he rises, he appreciates the people who were there to pick him up when he fell.
Back to Jeremy … Our paths crossed many times over the years, always with hugs and high fives, until one day he showed up to a junket a totally different Jeremy. He didn’t want to play. He acted like he didn’t really know me and was very uncomfortable. The whole thing was very odd, and it seemed that our great connection was kaput! I came back to Kourosh and said, “I don’t know what happened, but Jeremy’s not that guy anymore. He’s either gotten too famous and affected or he just plain hates me.” After that I was always apprehensive to interview him because it was so obvious that he wasn’t having fun with us, so I’d have to cool my jets and just get through it. I was never going to force the format down his throat. What we do is not pussy darts, where you’re trying to nail someone with pointed questions coming from an unexpected place. That’s TMZ. What we do is more like ballroom dancing. It’s as graceful as it is sexy, and it only really works when both people are working together and on the same page.
Then one day some time later, the most surprising thing happened. I went to interview Jeremy in New York for American Hustle, and I just figured that it would be the same polite-but-removed exchange. But when I walked into that room something had changed, and much to my delight, he was back to the original familiar and friendly Jeremy.
“Oh my God! How are you?” he said so enthusiastically, like we were old chums again. “How have you been?”
I was quite overcome with the joy of having my buddy back. And of course, we went right back to having great chemistry and cursing up a storm. I was really happy. In the hustle and bustle of the junket, we didn’t have too much time to reminisce, but our exchange at the top of the interview did shed a little light on what may have happened. As he got comfortable in his chair, we started to banter about the seventies before the interview started, and the conversation automatically took a left turn into the gutter:
Jeremy: Then there’s the seventies’ camel toe.
Me: But it sort of added to the mystique of everything, didn’t it?
Jeremy: Yeah. Wait … why do you bring this out in me every time?
Me: I didn’t mean to … we just literally … it was an innocent conversation.
Jeremy: But you always take it to camel toe!
Me: But I didn’t. You did!
Jeremy: I know but … it’s ’cause of you. (Laughing.)
Me: And by the way, on you it would have been moose knuckle not camel toe!
Jeremy: That’s right!
Yay! My boy was back. After that we started following each other on Twitter, which is the modern-day equivalent of the friendship pin, and from there we became actual friends. Sometime later, I got the chance to talk to him about our little kerfuffle and asked him what had happened. I said, “You know, for a long time I thought you hated me. It’s funny that we’re talking like this now.”
“No, I never hated you,” he replied. “You just always made me so comfortable I forgot where I was and said things I shouldn’t be saying on camera.”
It literally made me breathe a huge sigh of relief. It was kind of a bittersweet thing, but I was very flattered because that really was the whole point: getting a celebrity to be themselves. In this industry, that very concept is so odd that it made him second-guess it. But thankfully, he trusted me and knew we had his back.
I have to admit that I felt really badly for him when he got all that grief in the media for calling the fictional character of Black Widow a “slut” during the Avengers: Age of Ultron junket. I hoped that wasn’t my bad influence! But I also secretly hoped it was my bad influence. Anyone with any common sense knows that the whole thing was a joke. They were asked a silly question and they gave a silly answer. I think it was a little unfair for the media to string him and Chris Evans up for a clearly meaningless remark. But the blowback was proof that we still live in a world where celebrities can’t really let their hair down even for an instant. Fucking around has consequences. Their interview wasn’t going to change the course of the world’s socio-political agenda, but it sure was covered like it would. In the end, they had to issue apologies and express remorse and regret. It was ridiculous. There was not one thing about that entire situation that was anything but ridiculous.
It’s funny because that interview would have been no big deal, status quo, had it been done with me on No Good TV. In fact, celebrities have joked about much, much worse with me for years and haven’t courted the wrath of the political correctness police. In my mind, it all comes down to context. On No Good TV, crazy, dirty, irreverent, nonsensical comments all make sense, and you’re safe. Elsewhere, it can be a minefield. In some fucked-up way, we just might be one of the only true free-speech forums out there. Which, of c
ourse, makes me proud.
Okay, back to Clooney. As soon as I walked into the room with him, I was immediately put at ease. First, he stood up to say hello. Like I said, only the good ones, the gentlemen, stand up, like Will Smith and Michael Douglas. It’s fucking classy. Then, I experienced Clooney’s panty-dropping charisma the minute he opened his mouth. He’s really unassuming but definitely controls the room. He’s attractive. He’s personable. He’s welcoming. He’s like melting butter on a good piece of steak.
After chitchatting about what he had for lunch—no Indian, thank God—we got right into it.
Me: So, I just need to tell you that I’m with No Good Television and our outlet is uncensored, so if you feel like going there, I heard you got a potty mouth.
George: FUCKING A!
In an instant, with one hearty expletive, he literally turned into the coolest man I’d ever met. I had a massive Cloner! He was one of us, and I finally got it. Like every other earthling, I fell in love. “Oh my God! You’re George Clooney!” And then I had THE Clooney orgasm. I kid, I kid. I did not. Not until later that night in the privacy of my own bedroom with a selfie stick I renamed Gorgeous George.
When George said, “Fucking A,” everyone in the room erupted into laughter, of course, because that’s what people do when George talks. He could say, “shoehorn” and have everyone rolling on the floor. But he was genuinely funny. He looked off camera, playfully shocked that he’d been outed as a curser. Then it only got better.
George: Now I’m just gonna talk like it’s a G-rated show. (He looks squarely into the camera, polished and smooth.) Well, it’s so nice to be here.
Me: Golly gee, George!
George: Poop.
Me: I did find it interesting that in Leatherheads, the first swear word we got was from, like, a ten-year-old kid. Well done!
George: Thank you, we have him smoking, drinking, and cussing, and chasing women.
Me: And bar fights, too!
Everybody Curses, I Swear! Page 22
