Take a long hard look at these fifty terms, commonly used by history’s idiot brigade, to denigrate the inescapable delight of dirty words: Accurses, anathemas, bawdiness, bedamnings, blasphemies, coarseness, crudities, curse words, debaucheries, degeneracy, depravities, desecration, devilry, execrations, expletives, filthiness, foulness, grossness, immoralities, impieties, improprieties, indecencies, indecorousness, invective, irreverences, lasciviousness, lewdness, libertine, licentiousness, lubricities, maledictions, no-no’s, obloquies, obscenities, perversities, profanities, raunch, roguery, sacrilege, salaciousness, scurrilities, slang, smuttiness, swear words, transgressions, vices, vilifications, vituperations, vulgarities, and wickednesses. I find these words to be far more fuckin’ offensive than any curse word I know. So much energy wasted in a foolish pursuit by ignorant people who regard all cursing as imprecation, never realizing that it’s actually all about the implications. Two different words, two different meanings, and one motherfuckin’ truth!! These words are not born negative, they’re born neutral, and it’s we, the people, who give them purpose. And they have no greater purpose than when we want to celebrate, communicate, giggle, weep, innovate, and fight … for our right … to party!!! So next time you’re looking to harsh our mellow, please stop to consider that you may not know what the fuck you’re talking about.
Mathematics may be the more sophisticated and elegant language of the universe, but down here on planet earth, it doesn’t hold a candle to cursing, its way cuter and far more relatable, colloquial cousin (twice removed). It’s got swagger for days, and that motherfucker can dance! Hell, even when mathematics wants to hit the town, meet some hotties, and get its fuck on, it turns to its favorite cousin, who can talk about the Pythagorean theorem like it’s the geometry of sex! So how’s that hypotenuse treating you now?! Shiiiit!! The Euclideans ain’t got nuthin’ on C-Money! Shit just got real!!!
Congratulations on completing Volume I of the The Encyclopedia Hysterica for the Cursing Connoisseur. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much I enjoyed proving the infinite monkey theorem by writing it.
It’s been one hell of a ride. I’ve said and done some incredible things, in inconceivable places, with incomprehensible people. I’ve created the impossible, perpetrated the improbable, and orchestrated the unimaginable. Some days I’m a sorceress, some days a witch, other days a fairy, but most days I’m a cunning linguist. And through it all, I learned these two important lessons: 1) Fame is fickle, a never-ending pickle. With profound consequences, disguised as a tickle; and 2) the only thing worse than stepping in a fresh turd on live television is finding out it’s yours.
Your greatest enemy throughout your entire life will always be apathy. Any time you’re faced with the challenges of forging your own destiny and following your crazy-ass dream, you’ll find it waiting for you outside your door. Like a pair of comfortable shoes with cruel intentions, it will gracefully guide you down the path of indifference on your way to irrelevance. It’s a little something I call the casual acceptance of fate.
Aristotle once said, “You’ll never really know the true measure of who you are and what you’re capable of until someone pressure-washes their quiver bone in your bitch wrinkle!” (That’s Aristotle Benchod, my fish guy.) A situation that not only fucks you up, it fucks you down, and right before it’s over, it fucks you sideways, for good measure. Sorta like bailing your mom out of jail for trying to kill your boyfriend because she caught him fucking your dad! It ain’t a pretty sight, but then again, transformative moments rarely are.
Fortune favors the bold. So be bold. It all begins and ends with you.
There is a fuck hidden deep inside of each and every one of us.
It’s up to you to find it and give it!
—CK
PROFANITY INDEX
The index that appeared in the print version of this title does not match the pages in your e-book. Please use the search function on your e-reading device to search for terms of interest. For your reference, the terms that appear in the print index are listed below.
A Few Hard Men
furry
ABC party
Adderall
adolescent anal invasion
air biscuit
aizuchi
animal sex buffet
anus
Anal Eaze lube
anal gangbang porn
anal queen
anal sex
anal ticklers
anal volcano
and conversations and interviews
triple anal
areola
arse
ass, asshole
ass bag
ass cheek
ass-crack
ass hair
ass kiss
ass over teakettle
ass rash
ass ripple
ass side of ball town
ass-crack
ass-end of a pile-driver
asshat
asshole bingo
asshole game
ass-jabber
ass-kicking fiesta
assless chaps
assmuncher
ass-punting-sweaty-motherfucker
ass-to-ass
ass-to-mouth
ass-up
asswipe
badass
Caligulan grab-ass
casual use of term
and conversations and interviews
as curse
dumbass
eat ass
as expletive and exclamation
fat-ass
fucked-up, ass-backward
fucking asshole
kick-ass
Lameass
Lardass
pain in the ass
physical acts and
pickle up my ass
prima donna wild banshee assholes
resting asshole face
sass-hole
Spider-Man’s ass
the Asshole (drink)
the asshole Dylan
the asshole game
the world’s biggest asshole
turning asshole
Astroglide
aural skills
ay carumbas
babaloo
back-gina
bag of dicks
baileys irish cream dispensers
balls
ball sack
ballbuster
Ballcuzzi
ball-fucking catastrofuck
balls over tits
balls-deep
balls-out bacchanal
ballsy
ball-talk
big sweaty boy balls
blue balls
dip your balls in it
discreet ball
hairy balls
little wet girl balls
my interview balls
casual use of term
and conversations and interviews
as expletive and exclamation
fuckballs
lick their balls
the balls and the jizz
baloney pony
bantha Poodoo
bare-ass nekkid
bareback verbal gangbang
bareback
basement creeper
Bashophiliacs
bastard in a basket
bastard
bat-shit crazy
bazookas
bdsm session
beaver
bestiality
bewb riot
bewbs
birdhouse
bitch
bitch in prison
bitch with a capital C
bitch wrinkle
bitching
boss bitch
bottom bitch
casual use of term
and conversations and interviews
cunt bitch
as curse
as expletive and exclamation
emo-bitch
frigid bitch
motherfucking-cock-sucking-cunt-so
n-of-a-bitch
one-reply bitches (ORBs)
son of a bitch
strong bitch
super bitch-ness
bloody
blouse bunnies
blow (cocaine),
blowing & going
blowing a goat
blowjob
and conversations and interviews
bullets and blowjobs tour
celebrity blowjob
designer blowjobs
steak and a blowjob
bollocks
dog’s bollocks
blunt-force trauma to the crotch
bobbsey twins
bomb diggity smack wack
bonch flash
bone appeal
boner
boner buffet
boner pants
boner-loner
broners
cerebroner
Chappaquidoners
choproner
Clooney boners
coners
confused boners
intellectual boner
jock boner
joner
Kardashian boner
political boners
scrapbook of crew boners
spiritual boner
xoner
and conversations and interviews
boobs
boobie car wash
boob job
boob salad
boobs and blood
casual use of term
and conversations and interviews
booty
booyah! Muthafuckaaaaaaaah
boregasm
bosoms
boy butter
braciola
breasts
and conversations and interviews
brown horn brass choir
bugger
built for banging
bukkake
bullshit
bullshit artists
casual use of term
and conversations and interviews
as expletive and exclamation
bum
bum fluff
bum-bailiff
bumblefuck
bumboat
bumfiddler
bumfuck
Bunny Ranch
bush
butt
belfie (butt-selfie)
butt chugging
butt cleavage
butt sausage
buttfingersniffing
buttfucker
butt-kissing bonanza
butt-plug
butt-stuff for Christ
casual use of term
and conversations and interviews
monkey butt
nuts in butts
butthole
butthole-check
gaping butthole
hint of hole
taut butthole
caboodles
Caligula
call girls
camel toe
cancer-smelling vagina
carpetmuncher
cattle rattle
celebrity cumshots
cha-chas
chi-chis
chili dog, chili-dogging
chimichongas
chocolate starfish
choke a chicken
chub
half-chub
chubbious maximi
cinnamon challenge
circle of jerks
clatterfart
cleavage
clit
clitface
clits and bits
cocaine
cock
adventure playground for my cock
banana cock
big black cock
big cat cock
Club Cock
cock pillows
cockburger
cockfight
cockfuck
cockjockey
cock-shot crusade
cock-shot
demon cocks
devil’s cock
in book, television, and song titles
casual use of term
classics with a cock-shot
cock-juggling thunder-cunt
and conversations and interviews
as curse
as expletive and exclamation
committed genocide with my cock
elephant cock
hooked cock
hot-cockin’
love the cock
motherfucking-cum-guzzling-cock-nibbling-sheep-shagging-sweat
School Of Cock
touching another guy’s cock
cocksuck
cocksucker
cocksucker motherfucker
and conversations and interviews
as curse
as expletive and exclamation
motherfucking-cock-sucking-cunt-son-of-a-bitch
shit-piss-fuck-cunt-cocksucker-motherfucker-tits-fart-turd, and twat
cocksucking
cockapert
cock-bell
cockchafer
coin purse
coital fireworks
cojones
coke bowl
complimentary reach-arounds
complimentary suck ’n’ fuck
cooch
cooter
Coprolalia
copulating oblong cavity killer
crack
crack pipe
CrackDonalds
cream pie
creative threesome
creeper–joke
creep-out parts
crotch
and conversations and interviews
crotch acknowledgement
crotch creepers
crotch nod
crotchless panties
crotch-swipe
cuddle piles
cum
and conversations and interviews
cum jokes
Cumguzzler
cumguzzling pussy fart
cumming
cumshot vulnerability period
cumshot
motherfucking-cum-guzzling-cock-nibbling-sheep-shagging-sweat
cunt
big C
c-bomb
Clooney c-bomb
in book, television, and song titles
cock-juggling thunder-cunt
and conversations and interviews
cunt bitch
cunt cap
cunt effect
cunt hair
cunt of hipsters
cunt wagon
cunt-chetta
cunt-e-bago
cunt-eyed
cunting it up
cunting
cuntlovin’ ruler of her sexual universe
cunt-splice
cunt-tastrophy
cunty
local cunt-fest
as curse
as expletive and exclamation
a kick in the cunt
crusade for the cunt
foreign cunt
fuck, shit, cunt
fucking cunt
fuck-jumping-blue-cunt
inner cunt
junket cunt
license to cunt
mathew’s cunt
motherfucking-cock-sucking-cunt-son-of-a-bitch
nexus of cunt
power of the cunt
put the cunt back in Christmas
shit-piss-fuck-cunt-cocksucker-motherfucker-tits-fart-turd, and twat
shower of cunts
so many “cunts,” in so little time
The Cunt That Wasn’t There
the cunt trade
the cunt wagon
the cunting
The C-Word
the great cunt hunt
the immortal cunt
wall-to-wall cunts
What The Cunt (W-T-C)
young cunt
in street names
Cuntewellewang
Gropecuntlane
Shavecuntewelle
dalai lama of bat-shit
crazy
dandy horse
deep-v diver
deez nutz
deja moo
devil’s pitchfork
devil’s playground
dick
casual use of term
and conversations and interviews
as curse
dick back
dick dirt
dick double entendre
dick games
dick in a box
dick in the breeze
dick in the face
dick jokes
dick of the cat
dick pick collection
dick-dodging-duels
dick-hand
dick-handling
dickhead
dickie
dick-punching distance
dicks and balls
dickshow
dick-swinging contest
dick-talk
dickwad
dickweed
as expletive and exclamation
all dick all the time
all hands on dick
baby dick
bananas and dick
big dick and the twins
big dick
Disneyland for dicks
double-dick
double-dickin
duel of the dicks
Emancipation Dicklamation
get your hands of my dick
glass dick
my dick game
put the dick down
sucking dick
sucking dick for meth
swinging dicks
two dicks are touching
dik-dik
dildo
and conversations and interviews
dildo bazooka
dildos in the rain
dildo with foreskin
big black dildo
Dingleberry
dipshit,
dipshit McGee
dirty Tron
dirty Yahtzee
doggie style
dong
dong buffet
meter-long King Kong dong
donkey shot supreme
donkey show
dookie
double penetration
double whoppers
dreamhole
drop trou
dry-humping
duck butter
douche
douche nozzle
douchebag
douchey
Dutch oven
Dutch paperweight
Dutch scratching
dyke
ear pussy
ear-fucking
eat shit
Ecstasy-laced Adderall frenzy
Eiffel Tower
Einstein of orgasms
ejaculate
Emancipation Dicklamation
emotionally masturbate
endless ropes of his creamy custard
erected for erections
erection
erotic flagellation symposiums
everyone I did last summer
existential wonder-joint
fake oral
family jewels
fanny-blower
fart
Brazilian fart porn
casual use of term
and conversations and interviews
cumguzzling pussy fart
fartface
pee fart
Everybody Curses, I Swear! Page 51
