by Shey Stahl
When Ami arrived, she brought Granny B. Which I loved because when I was that old, I wanted to be as cool as Granny B.
She was a huge help and even offered to change his diaper for me. Having Granny B over went a lot smoother than the baby shower and at least she didn’t try eating the diapers this time.
“Code brown!” She yelled from the bedroom.
Ami and I smiled, walking in there to see Granny B changing him, like she was a pro or something.
Granny B examined the diaper, flipping it over and then lifting Caleb up by his ankles and then placing the diaper on his butt. Reaching over to the diapers, she grabbed another and did the same thing. “You’re supposed to use two diapers if they’re disposable.”
“Why?” Ami asked, giving me that look like she knew that couldn’t be right.
“It’s how they were made.” Granny B seemed so convinced this was the way you did it, we didn’t question it. Made perfect sense when you thought about it.
“That’s genius.” Ami always believed Granny B’s bullshit.
It was nice to have the help but I wanted Leo there, with me, experiencing this.
There was a lot of perks to Leo’s lifestyle. Money was one of them. He never had to worry about paying his electric bill or being able to make ends meet so he can make his car payment and rent all in the same month.
He used to. He knows what that’s like.
For many girls, being with a hockey player is a dream come true. What they don’t see is everything else that came with it from the puck bunnies throwing themselves at the guys to the sixteen-day road trips.
And then came the unknown aspect of hockey. Trading. It doesn’t matter the contract you signed. You could be traded up, down, away, didn’t matter and the player left immediately leaving the family to deal with everything else.
The lifestyle wasn’t for everyone.
I understood that it’s hard for Leo to let anyone in the way that you need to in a relationship. He’s anything but conventional and he doesn’t understand the way it works. He’s not to fault for that. He’s had no experience with it and I couldn’t blame him. He was learning and together we were.
What I didn’t like was that he wouldn’t let me in. It was as if there was something holding him back. A fear that if he did, it might not turn out like he wanted.
Again, how could I fault him for that either?
When Leo got home from Phoenix, he could immediately tell I was struggling. Maybe it was because I was crying about as much as Caleb was these days.
I wanted to believe that everything was fine between us but I wasn’t completely convinced because since Caleb was born, we hadn’t talked about anything that happened the night we got into that huge fight. I remembered everything in detail about what was said. Everything.
I understood why we hadn’t talked but it just seemed that if this was going to work between us, emotionally and physically, we needed to talk to one another and break open old wounds. As hard as that was to do.
When he noticed my tears, Leo breathed out deeply through his frustration tugging at his tie and then tossing it aside on the floor. “Talk to me. If you’re not happy I need to know. I can’t fix it if I don’t know.”
“I don’t want to go back to work.” I didn’t, but that wasn’t it.
“So don’t. Quit and stay home with Caleb.”
“I can’t.” I stared at the ceiling not wanted to let him see the fear in my eyes. I wanted to punch this version of myself. Where was the strong independent woman I was before having a baby? “I need the money. I can’t not work.”
“You don’t need money. We have plenty.” He said this as if I should have known that it was our money. I didn’t think of it as our money because we weren’t married. How was I to know that he thought of it that way? He hadn’t even told me he loved me.
I turned to completely face him, in the bed. “You’re never here.”
“I can’t be.” Again, he said that as if I should have known. “You know that.”
“That’s not what I mean. Even when you’re here, you’re not really here.”
He threw his arms over his face. “That doesn’t make a goddamn bit of sense, Callie.” He sounded confused.
“Yes it does, Leo. Your mind is on hockey. All the time. And I get that. It’s your job and with Walker… I get it.” Wanting to get my point across, I maintained eye contact with him as I responded. “How is this supposed to work exactly?”
Leo shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“We haven’t… talked about what happened?”
Squeezing his eyes shut, he grunted quietly. He sighed in frustration and rubbed his right hand across his jaw. “Jesus,” he mumbled, shaking his head. His emotions were raw and obvious, in the depth of his eyes and the crease in his brow. “It shouldn’t be this difficult.”
“You’re right, it shouldn’t.” I felt my eyes warm, tears stinging.
Leo turned and looked at me, and for a moment, he let me see just how truly tired he was of this. It wasn’t easy on either of us. He looked down at me, and the honesty in his face knocked me sideways. “I want to marry you…someday.”
Part of me was annoyed he said that right then. As if saying marriage was easier than dealing with our issues and talking about what we really needed to say.
Still… no I love you. Just marriage.
I took in a ragged breath. What he was saying...the way he was saying it.
It mattered that we hadn’t talked and maybe this was his way of letting me know there would be a talk eventually but he wasn’t ready.
His eyes trailed over my face, watchful. “You want this, right?” He stroked my hair and looked deep into my eyes.
His voice went quiet, hands on my face. Waiting.
“Yes, I do.”
“Then let me help you. Tell me what you need from me and I’ll do what I can. We can make this work.” His voice was so sincere I believed him. I needed to believe him. “If you quit work, you and Caleb can travel with the team, that’ll make it easier, right?”
Shaking my head, emotions running rampant, I didn’t know what the hell I wanted.
But I wanted to hear that he loved me.
“What do you want from me, Leo? I just don’t know what this is between us anymore.” His mouth dropped open and I saw the struggle in his eyes not knowing what I was about to say next. “I mean,” I paused when his troubled expression met mine, but I needed to get it out. I had to get it out and off my chest. “We went from basically yelling at each other that day, tearing one another apart over words and then I was having the baby. We still haven’t talked about anything. It was like having Caleb just pushed that aside and I don’t want that. We can’t have that because…well…I don’t want any resentment towards him like we didn’t work because of him.”
He seemed to consider my words, listening to them and letting them settle in before he spoke. “Okay…what do want to talk about?” His tone was laced with concern.
Did he hear anything I said?
I wanted to be angry with him. I felt like I had to be but I couldn’t.
“Us. This. Why is it so hard?”
He sighed, like this was the last thing he wanted to be talking about right now. But then he gave me some hope. “Callie…” He squared his shoulders, as if preparing himself. “I didn’t mean what I said that day. Well, I did but I didn’t mean for it to hurt you. I don’t like that you’ve fucked my friends. I’m never going to like that. Ever. It’s just not something I can get over. Just like I can’t get over what Dave did to you or that I yelled at you and you ran away only to be hurt worse and I nearly lost you. Or that I almost lost Caleb before I even had a chance to realize that the very thing I needed in my life, almost didn’t happen. None of that is easy. And now with the season starting and you crying all the time, I’m just confused. You seem unhappy and I don’t know how to fix that.”
I touched the side of his face. He leaned into my touch. “I jus
t need to know that you want me here. All this happened so fast. I guess I need to know that you want me here, with you. I kinda felt like you thought you had to do all this to own up to it.”
“I’ve never felt like I had to do anything but get out of that one bedroom trailer in south Philly.” He laughed. “When you told me you were pregnant, yeah, I was scared and felt like I needed to own up to what happened but you never made me feel like I had to. I did that because I wanted to be with you and if that meant being a dad, well, that came with it. It wasn’t easy for me when I found out I was going to be a father because I’ve never had a good experience with family. All I know is hockey and what that gives me inside. I didn’t know what being a father meant or being there for you would be like. And then I let my pride get in the way and I hurt you again. Like I didn’t have a single thing to lose, when I had everything to lose.” He let out a heavy restless breath, bright blue giving me a look inside the foolish pride he’d held onto for so long. “When I saw you on the ground and knew then I could lose it, that overwhelming urge to protect you and him…I couldn’t understand it. And then I held Caleb for the first time and I finally understood that feeling. I never believed someone like me could feel that.”
He’d just given everything I needed to hear.
The more he talked, the more I finally realized what this was and what I’d done. Forget the mistakes he’s made. The obvious ones. What I saw right then was me, the mistakes I’ve made and that I’ve always had the power to say no, change my life. I’ve always had the power to tell him how I felt. He was here. With me. Waiting and I’ve left him waiting just as much as he has.
“I’m sorry for the way I used to be. I never…” I couldn’t say the words. What I wanted to say was that I didn’t love those guys. I loved Leo so he really had nothing to worry about. But I couldn’t. “I can’t change that I was with them. And you’re right, we can’t change anything that happened between us, just what we’re doing now.”
A grin came over him as he raised an eyebrow. “My stick could use some stroking.”
I smacked his stomach and laid back down on the bed. “You didn’t hear anything, did you?”
He rolled over on top of me, brushing my hair from my face as he cradled it between his hands. “I heard every fuckin’ word.”
Sex was out of the question but no words were spoken then, just the sighs and sounds of two people so in love yet too scared to voice their feelings.
Leo Orting
Pepper Pot - Player with great speed and quickness.
I may not be the most observant boyfriend, or father now, but I could sense when Callie was stressed. She poured her heart out to me, told me everything she needed from me and I honestly felt like that was a new step in our relationship. Like finally, after everything, we could move forward.
She was going back to work in a few weeks and I for one was against that. She didn’t need to work anymore. She had me.
Convincing her of that wasn’t going to be easy. But I had to try.
“Why don’t you go out for a night?” As soon as I said those words I realized what I said. No way did I want her out, at night, with men. “Or, you know, stay in and I’ll watch Caleb while you take a hot bath.”
“Oh, a bath?” She laughed taking his bottle from the rack near the sink and reaching for the formula. Callie had every intention of breastfeeding Caleb the entire time but with her lungs and ribs, it just wasn’t something she was able to do. After putting two scoops in the bottle, she put the cap on and shook it vigorously. The motions of her hand made me hard.
I was so fucking horny these days.
Did you know you had to wait six weeks until after the baby was born even for a C-section?
Bullshit if you asked me.
Why? Because he was like eight weeks old and we still hadn’t had sex yet.
“You have no idea what it’s like taking care of him.” With those words, she left me standing there, her bare feet walking busily down the hall to where Caleb was crying, waiting for his food.
“It can’t be that hard.” I yelled after her, instantly regretting my words.
What a fucking idiot, huh?
Callie returned, holding Caleb and smiled at me. That’s when I knew I was in trouble. “Fine, Leo. You watch him. I’m having a girl’s night and staying with Bethany on Saturday. Overnight. ”
Overnight?
Oh God…
I played the best poker face. I ran my hand down my jaw and winked at her. “I got this.”
I didn’t have this. Not even a little.
“You’ll watch Caleb?” She was holding back laughter.
Why was that funny to her?
I had absolutely no clue what I was doing when it came to Caleb. I could change his diaper and feed him, rock him when he was crying but other than that, he just cried. Not much else in my hands. I was convinced he hated me.
Saturday night came. The night I was set to watch Caleb.
Alone.
We sat there on the couch, him in that little donut looking pillow he loved so much and me staring at him when Callie left, wondering what the fuck I was going to do.
I even contemplated calling Judy. Surely she’d come over but then I remembered she lived in Pittsburgh. Wasn’t like she could just stop by at the drop of a hat.
I settled on the next best thing. Mase.
“Hey, man, you want to help?” I don’t know why I was asking because I think we both knew I was demanding that he come over. “I know you’re not doin’ shit tonight. Ami’s with Callie.”
Mase groaned knowing exactly what I was trying to do. “I was going to sleep.”
“Too fucking bad.” I said with some authority. “I never sleep. Get over here!”
He did as I said, knowing if he didn’t I would just pack the kid up and take him upstairs.
“He seems normal.” Mase said as we sat on the couch, Caleb still sleeping in the donut with his arms up over his head.
I turned the channel from ESPN over to watch the highlights from the Oilers game to see how they played. We were playing them tomorrow night on home ice. “Their defense coverage is brutal and their protection of the neutral zone is basically non-existent. Look at all the turnovers they give up. We have to have puck management, get in the dirty area and just keep crashing the fuckin’ net.”
“Oh man, did you see the way he pulled that d-man in?” Mase shouted. Fucking shouted and woke Caleb up.
It wasn’t just a wake up either. The kid went into full blown panic mode, legs kicking, arms flailing and a shrieking cry.
He looked at me, then Mase, and realized he was stuck with us. Made him cry harder.
I tried everything from bouncing him up and down to begging him to just fucking stop.
“We should call Granny B!” I said after an hour of him crying.
Mase dropped his hands from his ears, leaning forward on the couch with his elbows resting on his knees. “We are not calling Granny B.” And then he stared at me. “I’m going home.”
“The fuck you are.” I snapped. “You woke him up. Deal with it.”
Mase followed me into his room where I gently laid him on the changing table, all the while he screamed his tiny head off. “Hey,” I put one hand on him to keep him from moving and then looked back at Mase. “Hand me that diaper right there.”
He did and just about that time, Caleb peed. All over Mase. Well, his face that is.
Mase glared at me, pee dripping from his chin. “You did that on purpose.”
I shook my head, slightly in shock that just happened. “No. I don’t think I did.”
My phone rang in my pocket. I touched Caleb’s belly lightly. “Stay quiet or she’ll know we have no idea what we’re doing. We’re boys, don’t rat us out!” He didn’t make a sound, his eyes on mine like he knew what I was talking about. Boy code maybe. At any rate, I pressed my phone to my ear. “Hey, baby.”
“How are things?” She asked, giggling heard in the ba
ckground.
It was a disaster but no way was I telling her that. “Great!”
“It’s awful!” Mase shouted with a rag to his face wiping off the pee, only to have Callie start laughing. I turned to punch Mase when I felt something wet on my arm.
He puked on me again.
“You think this is funny, don’t you?” I asked when Caleb projectile vomited on me for the third time tonight.
“Oh yes, I do.” Callie said, laughing, and still on the phone. “See you tomorrow morning, daddy.”
When I tossed the phone down, Mase was wearing rubber gloves now and a towel wrapped around his face like a mask. He pulled it down to talk. “You know, Ami wanted to have a kid but no way I’m having one now.”
I looked at him completely serious and wrapped a towel around my own face, hoping to spare myself the horror of getting pee or puke in my mouth like he did. “I have no idea how women do this.”
Four fucking hours we dealt with that shit. And I do mean shit. We couldn’t get a diaper to stay on, nor could we get him to calm down. After wrapping hockey tape around it, we got him wrapped in a blanket and I turned on my favorite movie. Youngblood.
Guess what?
He didn’t make a peep the rest of the night.
Mase smiled, looking over at Caleb cuddled in my arms, his eyes finally closed. “When he’s not crying or puking, he’s actually pretty cute.”
I shot him a look of disbelief. “Dude, are you kidding me? Look at his father. He’s a stud.”
When Callie got home early Sunday morning, I made sure the condo was completely clean trying to give her the impression I knew what the fuck I was doing. I also had to be at the arena by ten and needed to go see Ryland before that. Callie wasn’t so convinced that I knew what I was doing when she saw Caleb wearing a diaper with hockey tape on it.
“So…how’d it go?” You could see the humor in her eyes immediately, like she desperately wanted to say I told you so.
I rubbed my eyes, wanting to lie to her and then I just sort of broke down in front of her. “It was awful. I don’t know how people do this and still stay sane. I completely get why my dad left if I was like that.” Her eyes went wide, in panic and I immediately understood what I said and how that must have seemed. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like that.” I made her sit next to me on the couch, quietly and careful not to wake the baby. She peeked at him and then stared at me, waiting. “What I meant was I underestimated everything you were going through.”
