While she goes to Britt's room, I go in the kitchen and find my dad. He's cleaning up the mess from dinner, washing pots and pans.
"Need some help?" I ask.
My dad turns to me. "I wash, you dry?"
"Yeah." I stand next to him and pick up the dish towel. "So you and mom...why now?"
He shakes his head. "We just can't keep doing this. Your mother and I keep hurting each other and we can't seem to stop."
"Could you go to counseling?"
"We've been. We tried it years ago but it just didn't work."
"Oh." I didn't know they'd gone to counseling. They never told us. I take the saucepan from him and dry it. "So you wouldn't want to try again?"
He looks at me. "Honey, sometimes these things just aren't meant to be. You think they are in the beginning but then things change. People change. And you find you're no longer compatible."
"I don't understand that. If you love each other, then why can't you get through the changes together? What happened to for better or for worse?"
"Your mother and I have been stuck in the 'for worse' part for years now and it hasn't gotten any better. That's a sign it's time to end things."
"But you love her, right?"
He sighs. "I honestly don't know anymore."
"How could you not know?" I throw the dish towel down. "She's your wife! The mother of your children!" I'm yelling now, anger and sadness rising up past the shock. "How can you not feel any kind of love for her?"
"Amber." He reaches for me but I turn away and storm down to my room. I yank my phone out and call Kira.
She picks up right away. "Merry Christmas!" she says in a cheery tone.
"It's not merry. It sucks." My breath is shaky, tears welling up in my eyes.
"Amber, what's wrong? Is it your parents? Are they fighting?"
"They're getting divorced. Apparently my dad's already moved out." I sniffle.
"You just found out?"
"Yeah, they told us on Christmas. Great timing, right? At least we finished dinner first."
"Amber, I'm so sorry. What can I do?"
"Can I come over? Would your parents mind? I know it's Christmas but—"
"Of course you can come over. My parents are watching a movie upstairs and my brothers are in the basement playing their new video games. I'm just hanging out in my room."
"I'll be there in a minute."
As I'm racing out of the house, I pass my dad and mumble, "Going to Kira's."
He doesn't try to stop me. He knows I don't want to be home right now. I'm sure my sisters don't either. Here we all thought we were having this blissful Christmas with no fighting but we should've known it was too good to be true.
Kira's waiting at the door when I get there. She gives me a hug. "Let's go in my room." We go in there and sit on her bed, facing each other. "So why now?"
"They'd just had enough." I stare down at her comforter, which is covered in pink and white hearts. Her mom let her pick it out when she was 16. Actually I'm the one who did. We went shopping together and when we saw this, Kira said it was too much pink but I loved it so I convinced her to get it. Back then, I loved anything that was pink and had hearts. I thought it was romantic. But now seeing those hearts is making feel sick.
"It makes sense," I say. "You know how much my parents fight. I just never thought they'd actually break up. And for some stupid reason, I don't want them to, even though I know it's probably for the best."
"Everyone wants their parents together. It's normal to be upset about them breaking up, even if it's for the best. It changes things and change is stressful."
"It's even worse for Britt. She'll have to live there while all these changes are going on. When she found out, she ran off to her room, crying. Leah and my mom were talking to her when I left."
"Have you told Dylan?"
"No. I'll call him later." I lean back against the headboard. "What I don't get is how they ended up at this place. My parents seemed so in love when I was a kid and now they hate each other. How does that even happen?"
"I don't know. I guess they just grew apart."
"But why? If you love someone, why do you grow apart? Why isn't love enough to keep people together?" My tone is desperate, expressing my intense need to make sense of this. Because I want to believe in love. I need to. The hopeless romantic in me needs to know that real love exists and can last, but right now, I'm doubting it. It seems fake, temporary, something we've been tricked to believe in because of romantic movies and books.
"Amber, your parents have been like this for years." Kira keeps her voice soft, cautious, not wanting to upset me even more.
"Yes, but I still believed there was a small part of them that still loved each other."
"Maybe they do, at least on some level. Just because they're getting divorced doesn't mean they don't care about each other."
"Trust me, they don't care about each other. My dad saw my mom crying at the table and he just got up and walked away. He didn't show any concern. Any emotion. He just walked away and left her there. How do you do that with someone you used to love enough to marry? To have children with? How do you even get to that point?"
She shrugs. "I really don't know. Everyone says marriage is hard and if you don't work on it, you risk falling out of love. Maybe that's what happened. They didn't work on it."
"Or maybe they didn't have time to," I say quietly.
"What do you mean?"
"Never mind." I pick up one of her pillows and hug it to my chest.
"Come on. Tell me what you meant."
"No. You'll just tell me it's not true, but I know it is. It at least contributed to it."
"What are you talking about?"
I don't respond.
"Amber, you know I won't give up until you tell me."
I sigh. "Gymnastics."
"What about it?"
"You know how much time it took. When we were younger our parents devoted their lives to gymnastics. They had no time for each other."
"That's not what led to your parents' divorce."
I huff. "See? I told you you wouldn't believe me."
"I'm just saying, their problems started a long time ago."
"Their problems started when I got really good at gymnastics and began training more. They were never home, never with each other, because one of them was always taking me to practice."
"My parents did the same thing and their marriage is fine."
"Because they found a way to get through it. My parents didn't."
"Wait." She scoots closer to me. "Is that the real reason you quit gymnastics? Because you thought it was making your parents fight?"
Instead of answering, I take a deep breath, looking down.
"You told me it was because you wanted to do other things. Be more involved in high school."
"All that was true." I look up at her. "But I also thought it would help make the fighting stop."
"But it didn't."
"No."
"So do you regret quitting?"
"Not really. I mean, I guess sometimes I do, but at the time, I really thought I was helping my family, and I think I did. When I quit gymnastics, my parents were able to spend more time with my sisters, which they needed, especially Britt. She spent most of her childhood being dragged to practice and meets, which wasn't fair to her. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It obviously didn't help enough for them to stay together."
"Did your parents explain to you guys why they were breaking up?"
"They couldn't because Britt ran off and then my mom went to talk to her. But when I was talking to my dad, he said he and my mom both changed and were no longer compatible. He acted like it wasn't a big deal but it IS a big deal. How can I ever have faith in love when I'm told it won't last? When I'm told love isn't enough? That it isn't enough to keep people together?"
"That's only true sometimes, not always. Lots of people stay together."
"And a lot of people divorce. I don't want to
be one of those people, Kira."
"Meaning what? You're never going to fall in love?"
I don't want to admit to her that I feel like I'm already there. That I'm already falling in love with Dylan.
"Why bother falling in love when you know it's going to end?"
"Because being in love is part of being human. Amber, don't let this change how you feel about love and relationships. You've always believed in true love and soulmates and love stories. Don't give up on all that because of what happened to your parents."
"Why not? That stuff only exists in the movies. It's not real life."
"Sure it is. Maybe it doesn't happen to everyone but it still happens."
My phone rings. "It's my mom," I say to Kira. I answer the call. "Mom, I'm at Kira's. I'll be home later."
"Honey, come home. We need to deal with this as a family."
"There's nothing to deal with. You've made your decision. You and dad are breaking up our family." My voice cracks as I say it.
"We'll still be a family. Your father and I will do all we can to make this easier on you girls."
"It won't be easy, no matter what you do. Look what it's already done. Britt's crying in her room and I ran off to Kira's house."
"It'll take some time but we'll get through this. Something had to be done, Amber. Your father and I couldn't go on like we've been."
"Why couldn't you just try harder?"
"We did. For years. And nothing worked. Honey, come home and we'll talk about it."
"Not yet. I need to finish talking to Kira."
"Then finish up and come home. Bye, honey."
I hang up and say to Kira, "I'm supposed to go back there to talk about it. Like any of us wants to talk about this on Christmas. I don't want to talk about it at all. It's not like they're changing their minds so why bother?"
"Maybe you should just go back there for the sake of your sisters. Maybe you guys should just talk and leave your parents out of it for now. Like you said, the decision is made. Now it's about finding a way to accept it and move on."
But I don't want to accept it. Accepting it means accepting my parents no longer love each other. It means accepting the same thing could happen to me. I could fall in love, get married, have children, and somehow through all that, the love that started it all could disappear. And if that's the end result, then why bother? Why put yourself through that?
"Amber?" Kira wakes me from my thoughts.
I scoot off her bed. "I should go. I don't want to, but I can't hide out here forever, and as you said, my sisters need me." I give her a hug. "Thanks for being here."
"Always. Come over whenever you want. We could have a sleepover." She smiles. "Remember the blanket forts we used to make?"
I smile back. "Yeah, except I called them castles."
"You and your princess obsession. I somehow escaped that phase."
It's true. I was obsessed with the whole princess thing. Dreams of living in a castle, waiting for my prince to come take me away. But it was nothing more than a fairy tale. There are no princes in real life. Just guys who come into your life, say they love you, maybe even marry you, then leave you because their love for you didn't last.
On the short drive back to the house, Dylan calls.
"Merry Christmas!" he says when I answer.
"You already said that this morning." I park in the driveway and shut the car off.
"What's wrong?" I hear the concern in his voice, likely caused by my curt response.
"I'm sorry, Dylan. I didn't mean to respond like that. I'm just not feeling good right now."
"What happened?"
"My parents are getting a divorce."
"Shit. I'm sorry. When did you find out?"
"At Christmas dinner. My mom wanted to wait until tomorrow to tell us but then my dad just blurted it out."
"Where are you right now?" he asks because someone in the driveway next door just beeped their horn.
"I'm sitting in the car outside my house. I was over at Kira's and my mom called, telling me to come home. But I don't want to go in there. I don't want to talk about it, or think about it, or discuss it. I just want to pretend it isn't happening."
"Amber, I'm so sorry. I wish I was there with you. If you want, I could drive out there later this week. Or I'll leave tomorrow. Whatever you want."
"Thanks for offering but I need to spend time with my sisters. All three of us are in shock right now and we need to help each other get through this."
"So you had no idea this was coming?"
"I knew it was a possibility but I wasn't ready for it. And part of me thought it would never happen. My parents have been fighting for years, so why now? What made them take the next step and end things?"
"I don't know," he says quietly. "I'm just sorry it's happening. I wish I could do something to make this easier. To make you feel better."
He's so sweet, so caring. Even that night back in May, I got the feeling Dylan was a kind, considerate person, not just some guy trying to have sex with me. I still remember his face and the sound of his voice when he asked me if I really wanted to do it. There was genuine concern in his expression and tone, wanting to make sure I was the one making the decision, not him. And after it was over, he didn't run off, like some other guy would. Instead, he stayed there, holding me, talking to me, falling asleep with me.
"Dylan, I should go before my mom calls me again. Can we talk later?"
"Of course. Call me when you can."
"Okay, bye."
Back in the house, I find the living room is empty and the kitchen too. I check the garage and see my dad's car is gone. So he left. On Christmas. Probably went back to his apartment.
I go down to Britt's room. The door is open and my mom and sisters are all sitting on the bed. Their eyes are red, like they've been crying.
My mom gets up. "Amber." I walk over to her and she hugs me. "Come sit down."
"Mom," Britt says.
My mom lets me go and looks at Britt. "Yes, honey?"
"Can Leah, Amber, and me be alone? So we can talk?"
She nods. "Of course. I'll be in my room." She leaves, closing the door behind her.
I sit on the bed and hug both my sisters at once. "This sucks, you guys." As I say it, the tears I'd been holding back break free, which makes Leah and Britt cry and soon we're all sobbing messes, holding onto each other on the bed.
When our tears finally subside, we pull back and take some deep breaths.
"Well, now what do we do?" I ask, not knowing what else to say.
"I'm thinking of moving back home," Leah says. "To be with Britt."
I look at Leah, shocked she would even suggest that. Moving home is the absolute last thing she wants to do. When she was younger, she was always insecure, never having confidence she could do things. And now, she has a good job, her own apartment. She lives in a different city. She's finally proved to herself that she's strong and can make it on her own. She's been moving forward. Moving home would be taking a step back. A big step.
"Leah, no," I say. "Don't move home. Your life isn't here in this house anymore. You're doing great and you're happy. You can't move back."
"She's right," Britt says. "I don't want you doing this for me. I can get through this. I know I can."
"You can always call us," I tell Britt, "and if you need us to be here, we will. I promise. You tell me to be here, I'll drop everything and get in the car and start driving."
"And I'm just an hour away," Leah says. "If you want, I'll come home every weekend, or whenever you need me to."
Britt nods, her eyes tearing up again.
I hug her, then Leah. "I love you guys."
"We love you too," they say at the same time.
My sisters and I used to fight constantly, usually over sharing clothes or shoes. Those fights seem so stupid now. For one, because I'm older and more mature, but also because I love my sisters and need them in my life. I don't want to fight with them or grow apart fro
m them. All three of us need each other, now more than ever.
Leah hops off the bed. "Let's get out of here."
"And go where?" I ask. "Nothing's open."
"Movie theaters are. So let's go. Why sit around here, moping and crying all day? We need to get out of here. And besides, we missed our Thanksgiving movie tradition." She smiles at me. "Except for Amber, who went without us and took her boyfriend."
I smile back. "That doesn't count. We didn't even stay for the movie."
"Because they wanted to hurry home so they could do it," Britt says, a smile creeping up her face.
"That's not why we left," I say, tossing a pillow at her. "We left because it was too crowded and we were stuck in the very front row."
"So what'd you guys do after you left?" Leah sits back down on the bed. "You never told us. Was Britt right? Did you guys do it?"
My face heats up. "Let's go. A movie sounds good. And let's get popcorn. The big bucket. We can each get our own."
"She totally did it," Leah says, nudging Britt.
"Totally." Britt smiles.
I didn't want to admit this to them, or talk about my love life at all, but it's getting their minds off Mom and Dad and making Britt smile, so what the hell?
"Okay, yeah, we did it," I admit. "He stayed at my place that night."
Britt's eyes widen. "Did you do it all night?"
I point at her. "You're way too young to know this stuff. Or talk about it."
"I'm 16, almost 17. My friends and I talk about this all the time. And I'm the only one who's not doing it."
"And you shouldn't," Leah says. "You're too young."
Britt rolls her eyes.
"So was that your first time with him?" Leah asks.
I never told them about my one-night stand and I'm not going to. They don't need to know.
"Yeah," I lie. "That was the first time. We didn't plan on it. It just happened." I look at Britt. "And we were careful. We used protection, which you should always do, even if you're on the pill."
"Seriously?" Britt rolls her eyes again. "Like I don't know this? They teach sex ed in like fourth grade now."
"I'm just reminding you," I tell her. "In the heat of the moment, it's easy to forget to use one. But don't. You have to be careful."
One Night Page 23
