He leaves and I'm left standing there feeling lost and confused. What am I doing? Why do I keep running away from him? I ran from him last May and now I'm doing it again. But why? Dylan is everything I said I wanted. He's sweet, romantic, kind, smart, talented, super hot. And he loves me. So why am I letting my fears drive me away from him?
"Hey." Kira comes in the door. "Is Dylan here?"
"No. He left."
We go over to the couch and sit down.
"So what happened?" Kira asks.
"I told him I needed some time to think."
"Think about what?"
"About whether I want to be with him."
"Amber, are you kidding me? You broke up with him?"
"I didn't break up with him. I just told him I needed some time."
"Which is the first step to breaking up. Why are you doing this? Because of your parents?"
"Because of a lot of reasons, but yes, the divorce is part of it. It's affecting me more than I thought it would."
"It'll get better. I promise. Right now it seems bad, but once your parents get everything settled, you won't feel like this."
"Maybe. Or maybe not. I just don't know. I've always had this romantic idea of love and what it should be, but I learned all that by watching movies and reading romance books. But when I think of real life, and look around at not just my parents but everyone else, all I see are couples who don't get along. People who claim to love each other but then go out of their way to hurt each other."
"Some people, not everyone."
"You hurt Austin and it almost destroyed your relationship."
She looks down. "But I didn't want to hurt him. I wanted to tell him the truth. I just couldn't. And now that we got through that, our relationship is even stronger."
It's true. She and Austin are much closer after their break-up but that isn't true for everyone.
"So what happens now?" she asks.
"He said he'll give me space but that he's not giving up on me. I'm not sure what that means in terms of us dating. I'll see him at work in the morning so we'll see how it goes."
"I know he said he's not giving up on you but he's not going to wait forever."
"I know."
She goes to her room, giving me time to think, but all my thinking just leads to more confusion. More doubts. Fear of making the wrong decision.
***
The next morning, I arrive at work and start on the new project, which is coming up with promo ideas for all the health fairs that will be taking place this spring.
Dylan shows up and sits across from me. "Hey, how's it going?"
His tone is different; friendly, but lacking the hint of flirtatiousness that he usually uses with me. And there's no flirtatious smile. It's as if we're nothing more than friends.
"Good. How are you?"
"All right." He starts up his computer. "So you're working on the health fairs today?"
"Yeah. The promo ideas. I started to make a list when I was here on Wednesday. Did you want to go over it?"
"I'm actually working on something else. Donna assigned you the promo ideas. I'm working on marketing materials for a medical conference."
"Oh. Why didn't you tell me that before?"
"Because you wouldn't talk to me all week."
"So Donna doesn't want us working on it together?"
"She assigned me a different intern to work with. I'm supposed to help train her."
I'd forgotten the other interns were starting this week. There are two others but I haven't met them yet.
"Who's the intern you're working with?"
"Carrie. She just texted me. Said she's making copies. She should be back in a minute."
Just then a girl walks in. She's tall with a curvy figure, but not at all fat. She's wearing a dark blue dress that fits close to her body, and has long, dark, wavy hair. As she walks up to Dylan I smell her perfume. It smells expensive.
"Hey, Dylan." She smiles at him. "You just get here?"
"Yeah." He motions to me. "This is Amber. She's one of the other interns."
He doesn't mention I'm his girlfriend given the rule about co-workers not being allowed to date. But if we were, would he still leave off the girlfriend label? I guess technically I'm not his girlfriend if I've asked him for space.
"Hi, I'm Carrie." She shakes my hand then turns back to Dylan. "Ready to go in the conference room?"
"Yeah, just let me grab my stuff." He takes a folder from his desk and the two of them disappear in the room behind me.
Okay, this sucks. The guy I love is alone in a room with a girl who definitely wants him. She was totally flirting with him. And she's gorgeous. And just last night I told him we needed a break. So would he go out with her? Is my fear and uncertainty going to drive Dylan away from me?
I need to figure this out. And soon. Otherwise I'll lose Dylan for good.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Amber
For the next hour I can't concentrate on work, my mind fixated on what's going on in that conference room. Why have they been in there so long? Maybe they aren't talking about work but about other things, trying to get to know each other. What if Carrie asks Dylan out? Would he say yes?
The door finally opens and the two of them walk out.
"Yeah, totally," he says, laughing about whatever they were talking about. It doesn't sound like something work related.
"So lunch at eleven thirty?" she asks.
"Sounds good. I'll meet you in the parking garage."
She walks out the door and Dylan returns to his desk. Meanwhile I'm stewing with jealousy, wondering what went on in that room and what's going on at lunch. I'm generally not a jealous person. In fact, I've never felt this jealous in my life. But I'm finding that being in love makes me very jealous.
"Where'd she go?" I ask Dylan.
"She has class and then she'll be back."
"You guys are working through lunch?"
"We're not working. We're just having lunch."
"Oh." I feel like I just got punched in the gut. Dylan's going out with another girl. I think I'm going to be sick. "I'll be right back," I say, getting up to go to the restroom. It's way down the hall and when I get there, I stand at the sink taking deep breaths as I wonder, for the millionth time, what the hell is wrong with me. My parents' divorce should not be affecting my relationship with Dylan like this, and yet I'm letting it happen. Why am I so afraid of love? I've always known it could lead to heartbreak but I was willing to take the risk. Now I don't know if I am.
I leave the restroom and find Dylan waiting for me in the hall. "You okay?"
"Yeah. I just wasn't feeling well for a minute but I'm fine now."
"You sure?"
I nod. "We should get back to work."
As we walk back, he says, "So about tonight. I made plans to go out. I assumed you wanted to be alone."
Hearing him say that makes me want to cry. I wish I could just stop this and be with him, but I told both him and myself I needed to think this over so that's what I need to do. For Dylan and I to work, I need to get over my fear of a broken heart. I need to believe in love again. It's not fair for me to keep seeing him unless I can give him all my heart and commit to him the way he's committed to me.
"Yeah, okay," I say, my words rushed, my breathing shallow.
"Hey." He stops me in the hall, his hand on my arm. "You said this is what you wanted. I'm giving you time. Space."
"I know." I chew on my lip, tears stinging my eyes.
He lowers his voice. "This doesn't mean I don't love you. I'm just trying to give you what you asked for."
I nod, tears threatening to fall.
He turns back, like he's checking something, then grabs my hand and leads me to a door. He opens it and I see it's a supply closet. It's not the same one we were in before but it looks the same, with mops and brooms and bottles of cleaning solution.
"What are we doing here?"
He brings me into his arms
and gives me a hug, which is exactly what I need right now. I relax into his arms and chest and take a moment to breathe.
"I'm sorry," I say. "I'm sorry I'm being this way. I don't know what's wrong with me. I honestly don't. I keep telling myself to stop feeling this way but then I can't."
"It's okay. I understand. It's tough seeing your parents split up. I've seen a lot of my friends go through it and it's never easy. Van's parents broke up a few years ago and he's still having a tough time with it. I think that's why he can't stay in a relationship. He says it's because he likes playing the field but I think it's really because he's afraid of relationships in general."
I pull back to look at him. "I didn't know Van's parents were divorced. How long ago?"
"When he was a senior in high school, so about four years? He was supposed to go away for college but he stayed here because his younger sisters couldn't handle the divorce. They were a mess. They went to counseling but Van didn't think that was enough. So he stayed here to help them get through it. That's how we ended up going to college together."
"He's a good big brother."
Dylan lets me go and steps back. "I know you're going through a really hard time right now but just remember that I'm more than your boyfriend. I'm also your friend. So if you need to talk or just need someone to listen, I'm here for you."
A tear slips down my cheek and I hug him. "I love you. And I promise you I'm trying to get past this. I really am."
"I know you are." He kisses my forehead.
The door swings open and we turn and see Mary standing there.
She gasps, pointing at us. "I knew you two had something going on! Don't think I'm not going to report this! It violates hospital rules."
Dylan and I let go of each other and Dylan calmly says to Mary, "I was just giving Amber a hug. She's going through a rough time right now and she's not feeling good."
"And what exactly is the problem?" Mary asks in a skeptic tone.
"I just found out my parents are getting a divorce," I say.
"Oh." Mary glances to the side and clears her throat. "I suppose that would be upsetting."
"My dad filed the papers this week and now my mom is really upset and it's just been hard. On my whole family."
Mary looks back at me. "I'm sorry to hear that." She straightens up. "Well, I'll leave you two be." And then she walks out.
"That was close," I say.
"We weren't doing anything."
"But she thought we were."
"And now she thinks we're not. I get the feeling she'll leave us alone from here on out. I think she actually felt bad just now."
"It felt weird to say it."
"To say your parents are divorcing?"
"Yeah. That's the first time I've said it to someone who isn't a close friend. For some reason, it made it more real. Like it's really happening. Does that make sense?"
"It does. Saying it out loud always makes it more real. When it's in your head, it's just a thought, but when you tell someone, it's out there. It can't be taken back. And that makes it more real."
I look at him. "Like when I said I love you."
He smiles. "Yeah. Kind of made it more real, right?"
"A lot more real."
"I feel the same way. It's one of the reasons I was afraid to tell you that. I wasn't sure if I wanted it to be real." He pauses. "You're not the only one afraid of this, Amber. I'm afraid of it not working out too. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid you'll leave me like you did last time. But I'm willing to risk it to be with you. That's how much I love you."
Tears fall down my cheeks. "Stop it. You're making me cry." I wipe my face and take a deep breath. "We should probably get out of here or Mary really will think we're doing something."
He goes to open the door but I stop him.
"Wait." I hold onto his arm.
"What?"
"What's the deal with um...Carrie? Are you two..." I don't finish, not wanting to say it.
"Going out?" When I don't answer, he chuckles. "No. We're just having lunch. But it's good to know you're jealous."
"So jealous I almost got sick. That's why I had to go to the restroom."
He lifts my face to his and looks me in the eye. "There's nothing to be jealous of. You're my girlfriend, not her. And I'd never cheat on you."
"I'm still your girlfriend?"
"Aren't you?"
"I want to be. I just wasn't sure if you were okay with that, given that we're kind of on a break."
"You're still my girlfriend. And it's not a break. It's just some time for reflection."
I smile. "Reflection. I like that. I'm reflecting."
"Just don't reflect too long. I miss you."
He gives me a kiss, then opens the door and we go back to the office. I feel better after our talk but I still need to figure things out in my head. I know I want Dylan. I just need to get to a place where I can give him my heart without worrying about the fallout that would occur should we ever break up.
That night, I really miss Dylan and want to be with him, but I resist calling him and instead sit in my room and make a list of all that I'm afraid of when it comes to him. And it turns out, everything on my list are things that happened to my parents. Falling out of love. Breaking up a family. And the pain and heartache of losing the one person you thought you'd have forever with.
The list confirms that it's the divorce that's holding me back from being with Dylan. My parents' divorce, and years of watching them fall out of love. I thought it might be more than that but it's not. It all comes back to my parents and what I witnessed all those years they grew apart. The fighting. The hurtful comments. The separate bedrooms. It all affected me more than I was willing to admit. I think that's also why I sought out the fairy tale for so many years. The dream of a happily ever after. I wanted the opposite of what my parents had.
I spend Friday night and all day Saturday thinking about this. I don't talk to Dylan, but Saturday night, I go with Kira to hear his concert. When he sings One Night, I start crying, which happens every time I hear it because I still feel terrible for hurting him that night last May. Other girls are crying too because Dylan sings that song with so much emotion. And hearing the emotion in his voice makes me even sadder because I know that emotion is real. The sadness I caused him when I left that night is still there.
After the concert I don't stick around but I do text Dylan and tell him he did a great job, as always. He texts me back and thanks me for coming but doesn't ask if he can come over. He's giving me space, like I asked, and I appreciate that. He really is the best, most understanding boyfriend I could ever ask for.
The week goes by and I don't see Dylan at all. We text a few times but that's it. He doesn't call or stop over and I'm starting to wonder if he's given up on me. If he's tired of my indecisiveness and wants someone who can commit to him. I want to be that someone, but right now I just can't. My emotions are too wrapped up in what's going on with my family, trying to accept the loss I feel over my parents splitting up. Trying to figure out why this happened. Why they fell out of love. I know it happens all the time, to everyone, but I'm finding it hard to accept with my parents because I still remember the years they were in love. Their love was real and strong and something I wanted for myself someday, so how did it just end?
Friday at work, Dylan isn't there but Carrie is and she sits at his desk, using his computer. She tells me Dylan had car trouble and probably won't be coming in. Given our lack of communication this week, I guess I'm not surprised Dylan didn't tell me he wouldn't be there, but it's still depressing that Carrie knew where my boyfriend was but I didn't.
On Saturday morning, my mom calls to check in. We haven't talked for a while because she's been so busy dealing with all the stuff you have to do when you get divorced. And I've avoided calling her because I don't want to hear her rant about how much she hates my dad.
"How are classes going?" she asks.
"Fine. How's everything going the
re?" I hold my breath, hoping she doesn't start in about my dad.
"It's been hard," she says, sounding sad. "But we'll make it through this. It'll just take some time to adjust."
"How's Britt doing?" I ask, but I already know she's not doing well. I talk to her every night and she cries almost every time.
"She's having a difficult time accepting it. I think she'd rather have your father and I together fighting than to have us apart, but then again, that's all she knows."
Britt's earliest memories were at a time when my parents were growing apart so she's used to their fighting. She doesn't remember the good years. She was too young.
"So how is Dylan?" she asks.
"We're kind of taking a break right now."
"Things aren't going well?"
"They are, I mean, they were, but I needed some time alone to deal with this. The divorce."
"Honey, I'm sorry. I hate what this is doing to you girls, but remember it's only temporary. When it's all over, things will get better."
"Maybe, but I'm still struggling with how this all happened, like when it started and why. I know that's between you and dad, but I'm having a hard time accepting this without an explanation. You and Dad used to be so in love. I remember how he used to bring you gifts for no reason. How he used to always hold your hand and kiss you the second he got home from work. So how does that just end? Until I understand that, I don't know if I can keep dating Dylan."
"What does this have to do with Dylan?"
"I love him. I love him so much that I could see a future with him. But I'm afraid to be with him knowing we could end up like you and Dad. I don't want that. The fighting. The hate. I don't want that with Dylan. Even if it doesn't happen for years, I'm scared of the possibility and it's keeping me from being with him."
There. I said it. I was totally honest. I wasn't going to tell her that because I didn't want her feeling guilty about what the divorce is doing to me. She's already hurting enough and I didn't want to add even more hurt, but I really need an answer and she's the only one who can give it to me.
One Night Page 27
