by S. R. Grey
“Hey. What the hell are you doing?” I ask.
She tilts back her head and swallows. “I need it for what I’m about to do.”
“Okay, Cass.” I am beyond wary now. “What the fuck is up?”
She gestures to the driver, prompting him to twist around and speak to someone in the back seat.
What the…?
Just as I’m about to lose my shit over all this elusive bull, the back door of the cab opens unsteadily.
And then a little girl clambers out.
What the hell is a kid doing up at this time of the night?
Cassie’s whole demeanor softens. “Come on over, baby. Come meet the guy I told you about, the nice man named Will.”
“Whoa.” I take a step back, completely thrown. “You have a kid?”
What must life be like for this poor child? I dealt with a mom who was battling addiction—gambling, though, not drugs. Nonetheless, it was hell.
“Yeah…” Cassie nods, her eyes glued to the small girl lingering uncertainly by the cab. “I have a kid.”
Addressing the little girl, Cassie yells across the street, “Get over here, Lily.”
Despite the fact not one car has gone by, the little girl looks both ways before crossing. She is a cute little thing, tiny as all get out, and with a full head of long, platinum-blonde hair. She’s wearing a lavender tee that has “Princess” spelled out in sequins, and jean shorts that match her mom’s. There’s also a pink backpack on her back. I can’t pin the ages of kids too precisely, but this one looks to be about five or six.
Her blonde hair blows in the light breeze as she runs over to us, and when she reaches Cassie, she takes her hand and peers up at me curiously. “Hi,” the little girl says.
“Uh,” is about all I can get out, seeing as I’m struck speechless by this kid’s eyes.
Her eyes are an all-too-familiar green, vivid and bright, like the shade of young grass in the spring. Eyes like—
“Is this my daddy, Mommy?”
“Yes, Lily. This is your dad.”
Cassie
I never wanted to do this to Will. Not in this way.
Oh, the look on his face.
He doesn’t deserve to find out he’s a father in this manner. Will was always a good guy. And I loved him once, I really did. I tell Lily all the time she was created from love, from something that was once beautiful. Too bad all she’s been exposed to living with me lately is the ugly side of life.
That’s why I have to do this. I’ve thought about it before, but this is my chance. The only opportunity I may ever have to do what’s best for my little girl.
“You have to take her, Will.” It’s not a request, it’s a heartfelt plea. “She’ll have a better life with you.”
“What?”
Poor guy looks stunned. My own heart is breaking, but I’m too numb to let it bother me very much. “I’m sorry,” I say.
“Sorry? Cass, are you crazy?” Will looks from me to Lily, then back to me. “Tell me this is a joke. Something Nash put you up to. It’s a going-away prank, right?”
Will knows it’s not a joke, but just to be sure he’s clear, I state, “It’s not a prank. Lily is yours, Will. Just look at her.”
He does, and I know he sees himself in her eyes. I see the same thing every day, or at least during the days I’m around Lily. Our daughter has Will’s eyes, for sure, the same shade of green as his mother’s. And there’s more. Back when we were dating, Will once showed me pictures that were taken when he was little. The super-blonde hair Lily has is the same exact color Will once sported.
Yeah, there’s no denying that my daughter—our daughter—is the spitting image of a five-year-old Will.
Angry that he can no longer deny it, Will spits out, “You never thought to tell me before today?”
“I wanted to, but my mom stopped me. You remember how it was. She made us cut all ties.”
“How old is Lily?” he asks, his voice shaky and his eyes glued to his child. “Five?”
I know he’s calculating, making sure she’s his. “Yes, she’s five.”
“When’s her birthday?”
“March twentieth.”
He swallows hard. “So, it happened when we used to meet, after we broke up?”
There’s resignation in his voice, acceptance of what I’m telling him. He knows we weren’t careful at the end.
“Yeah,” I confirm. “It happened then.”
Softly, he sighs. “Okay, but… I can’t take her, Cassie. I won’t take her. You’re her mom, she should stay with you.”
“No, Will. No.” I am adamant. I’m not budging, not on this. My daughter deserves better than what I give her.
“Cassie,” he begins.
There’s reluctance in his tone, and I wave my hands around, frustrated. “You have to take her, Will. The way I live…” I trail off, sigh, begin again. “Okay, I admit that I probably do too many drugs. And I know it’s not good for a little girl to be around that kind of shit.”
It’s so hard to say it out loud, but the truth is I know my drug use is out of control, despite denying it to Will mere minutes ago.
“Besides,” I continue, pointing to his mom’s ostentatious house, half-hidden behind the partially closed gate. “Your family has lots of money. Plus, Nash mentioned in one of his posts that you landed a big-time job. I have nothing to offer Lily, Will. You, though… You have everything. She should be with you.”
“I stay with Daddy now?” Lily asks in a barely audible voice.
Her little kid tone is so matter-of-fact that I cringe with disappointment, in myself. I’m such a bad mother. My daughter is so used to being shuffled around that it’s barely registering with her that we’ll be apart, yet again.
Truth is I hardly know my daughter. I’ve spent so little time with her. My mom had Lily for a long time, throughout all my failed stints in rehab, and all the times I just felt overwhelmed and bolted. But my mother finally got fed up with me. She was planning to fight me for custody, and that’s why I took off for good…with Lily. It’s also how I landed back in Vegas. But, like I said, I’m not around Lily as much as I should be. I have to work, you know. And after my shift is done at the club, I need to let off some steam. Lily can’t come with me to the parties I like to go to.
“Lily is used to staying with other people,” I tell Will. “She’ll be a good girl for you.” I stare down at my daughter. “Won’t you, Lil?”
She nods. “I be good.”
Before Will can respond and put a stop to me leaving Lily with him, I say, “Lily loves to color and draw.” I tap the pink backpack strapped to her back. “Her coloring books and crayons are in here. Sit her down with those things and she’ll be content for hours.”
Lily peers up at me, hanging on my every word. She’s a smart kid, and somewhere inside she probably senses I’m leaving her for good. Will is all she has now.
I have to look away. I need another hit of something so I don’t feel so damn guilty.
While I stare over at the cab, where I know my cabbie friend, Niko, has more drugs, I hear Lily say to Will, “I’ll behave, I promise. I stay with Mommy’s friends a lot, and I’m always a good girl.”
There’s desperation in Lily’s voice. She’s caught on that this is it. It’s her dad or probably foster care. Child services have been sniffing around lately, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed by Lily.
Will snorts, disgusted with me. He shoots me a look like he’d like to strangle me. Good, maybe now it’ll register with him how fucked up I am and he’ll take his kid.
“You leave Lily with strangers?” he asks tightly.
“Not strangers,” I say, miffed. “I have lots of friends, Will.”
“Druggies, I’m sure. Like you.”
Will is seething now. Fine, I need him mad. I need him to keep Lily. Maybe someday I’ll get clean and want her back, but I can’t see that happening anytime soon. Truth is I’m just not mom material, nor do I really care to be.
Okay, all I want now is to get the hell out of here. I’m antsy, and I need another hit of something, anything. That stupid pill I took is doing nothing.
Tapping my foot anxiously, I ask, “So, you’ll keep her, yeah?”
Will’s expression is grim, resigned. “I’m not staying in Vegas,” he says. “My job’s on the East Coast.”
“I know,” I say. And I do. The farther Lily is from me, the better off she’ll be.
I’ve backed Will into a corner, so, again, I press, “It’s decided, then, right? Lily can stay with you?”
“For now, yeah, okay.”
Ha, this is more permanent than he thinks.
I give Niko a thumbs-up, and he hops out of the cab with Lily’s small pink suitcase in tow. It matches her backpack, and that makes me smile. But when Niko walks over and hands the damn thing to me, I feel nothing but sadness.
Before my own conscience can stop me, I turn the suitcase over to Will. Meanwhile, Niko jogs back over to the cab, having never acknowledged anyone but me.
“Nice guy,” Will snaps, his tone icy and dripping with sarcasm as he sets the suitcase down on the sidewalk.
“He’s a good dude,” I counter.
I don’t add that my opinion is colored by the fact Niko shares his drugs with me. Doesn’t matter what I say, or don’t say, Will sees the truth in my eyes. “I’m sure he’s just a peach,” he mutters dryly.
I ignore Will and crouch down to Lily’s height. “Give Mommy a kiss good-bye.”
My little girl touches her soft lips to mine. “Love you, Mommy.”
“I’ll miss you so much, baby.”
I fight back tears. Why is this hard? This shouldn’t be hard, dammit.
Lily pulls away and eyes me curiously. She’s always been a perceptive child, and now is no exception. “You come back for me soon?” she asks warily.
There’s no point in lying. “I don’t think so, Lily. You’re going to be staying with Will now.”
“Like I used to stay with Nana?”
I nod. “Yes, exactly like that. Will’s your daddy, like I told you on the way over. Remember how I also mentioned how sad it’s been that you two have never had a chance to get to know each other?”
“Mommy, I’d rather stay with you.”
I speak right over my daughter’s distressed words. “You living with Will, Lily,”—I try to smile, but can’t—“this is your chance and his to, like, bond or whatever.”
I can’t look at Will, but I feel his fury—fury directed at me—for discarding my daughter in this way. Well, she’s his daughter too, and it’s his turn to take care of her.
Lily nods, acquiescing at last, but I see her swallowing hard. “Okay, Mommy,” she whispers.
“Doesn’t mean I don’t love you, baby girl,” I assure her.
“I know, Mommy.”
Her affect is flat, the emotion drained from her voice. Lily is shutting down on me. And she should. I suck at this mom thing.
I stand up and tell Will, “Hey, look, I gotta go.”
And then, before he can reply, I’m running across the street, as fast as I can, away from a boy I used to love, away from the daughter I’m abandoning.
Will is yelling now, saying things like, he needs my number. And other shit too: what if there’s an emergency or he needs to contact me. No way.
Niko welcomes me back in the cab, and I blurt out in a rush, “Go, go, go.”
He hits the gas and hands me a meth pipe. I reach for a lighter. The whole time I look forward. Not once do I look back.
Will
I watch as the cab takes off with Cassie. Fuck. I am so fucked. How can I be a dad? This can’t be happening. This must be what that bad feeling, the one I had all yesterday and today, was trying to tell me. My world really is falling apart.
Shit.
Not only am I stuck with a little girl whom I have no idea how to take care of, but I also have no way to contact Cassie. What if there’s an emergency? Or, what if I have a question about Lily’s care? What if it all gets to be too much and I need to send her back?
To a druggie mom? My conscience tsks at me.
“Yeah, maybe not,” I mutter.
Still, I am so fucked.
“Where we go now?” Lily asks, breaking me from my reverie.
She’s peering up at me with those familiar green eyes, and my heart melts a little. She really is a little doll.
Crouching down to her level, I ask her, “Do you know where you and your mommy live?”
I have no plans to take Lily back, but it’d be nice to know where I can find Cassie, just in case.
Lily points in the direction the cab took off. “That way?”
It’s a question, not an answer. The little thing has no clue. And how could she? She’s only five.
I pat her tiny shoulder. Jeez, she’s small. “It’s okay. We’ll figure it out later.”
Sighing, I pick up Lily’s small suitcase and gesture to the house behind the half-closed gates. “You ready to go inside?”
She peers past me at the huge house, eyes wide. “You live in that big house?”
“Yes.” I then correct myself, since kids take things so literally. “Well, I mean my parents live in that house. I’m only staying here one more night. I’m supposed to leave tomorrow for New York City to start a new job.” Sighing, I add, “I guess you’ll be coming with me now.”
Lily nods, all easy-going, and I almost have to laugh at her adult-like contemplative expression. “Okay,” she agrees. “I can go with you.”
Like not going with me was ever an option.
Taking her small hand in mine, I say, “Come on. Let’s go inside.”
In the spacious foyer, I let go of Lily’s hand so I can check the time. Shit. It’s nearly four in the morning. I have to be at the airport by nine at the latest if I’m to make the ten o’clock flight I’m scheduled to be on. There are also some new logistics I need to work out. Like, who’s going to watch Lily while I’m at work? The ad agency already warned me to expect to work way past five every day of the work week.
“Damn you, Cassie,” I mutter, indecipherably, on purpose.
“I can’t hear you,” Lily says.
“It was nothing,” I reply.
I set her suitcase on the marble floor and walk around the room, turning on lights, including the large crystal chandelier directly above Lily. She peers up, awe evident in her expression. She then scans the opulent foyer. Her green eyes, which match mine, just about bulge out of her head.
The house is impressive, surely even to a kid, especially one who’s most likely been living in squalor. Apart from the glittering chandelier, there’s a huge spiral staircase to Lily’s right, pricey paintings on all the walls, and richly toned marble everywhere.
“Your house is so pretty, Daddy,” Lily says with awe.
I wince at the “daddy” part. I don’t even know this kid yet. And though her eyes match mine—and I can’t deny she resembles me in other ways, like the hair—I have every intention of getting a DNA test.
Despite all my internal bluster, I just know she’s mine. “Still,” I whisper.
Lily, losing interest in the impressive foyer, asks, “Hey, do you like to draw?”
Smiling, I reply, “Funny you should ask, but I actually do like to draw.”
Yet another similarity between me and this kid. Shit.
Lily shrugs off her backpack. “You do coloring, too?”
“Eh, that, not so much.”
She places her backpack on the floor, unzips it, and pulls out a coloring book. “You want to color with me?” Peering down at the Disney-themed book, she adds, “You can draw stuff in here too, if you want. I draw in the empty spaces all the time. Mommy calls it dood-da-ling.”
“Aren’t you tired, Lily?” I ask.
Truth is I’m a little stunned this little girl seems not one bit bothered by the late hour.
Lily shakes her head. “No.”
“Doe
s your mommy let you stay up late like this a lot?”
She nods, and I roll my eyes. “Hey,” I begin, “I think maybe we better hold off on coloring till tomorrow, okay?”
“’Kay,” Lily reluctantly agrees, clearly disappointed, as she slides the coloring book back into her backpack.
Sighing, I say, “We need to get some sleep, Lily. It’s really, really late.”
“Uh-huh.”
She still sounds so down, so I try turning this clusterfuck into something fun. “Oh, and hey, guess what?”
“What?”
“You are about to have the honor of picking out whichever bedroom you want to stay in. Any at all, Lily, and we have lots and lots to choose from.”
Lily says, “Okay,” but it’s uttered with no enthusiasm whatsoever.
I watch as she stares down blankly at the marble floor. This has to be really tough on her, too. She may be accustomed to being shuffled from place to place, but Cassie made it clear those times were always only for a few nights. This situation is going to last for more than a few nights, and Lily knows it. Guess it’s really sinking in now.
Smiling as kindly as I can, I grab up her backpack and take her little hand in mine. I then lead her up the stairs so she can choose a room to sleep in for the night.
Lily ends up picking out a bedroom decorated in loads of purple tones, which she informs me is her favorite color. “I kind of guessed that from your shirt,” I say.
She glances down at her lavender top. “Oh.”
“Come on, Lily.”
I help her settle into bed, and then turn off the light. But before I’m out the door, I hear her whimpering.
Flicking the switch back on, I ask, “Is something wrong?”
“Yes,” she whispers. “I’m scared of the dark.”
“Oh, okay.” I walk back into the room and turn on a small lamp that’s near the bed. “That better?”
“Uh-huh.”
Again, I try to leave, and again I am stopped by a small pleading voice. “I’m scared to be alone, too.”
I sit down on the edge of the bed. “I thought you told me you’re used to staying with other people?”
“I am, but”—she spreads her arms out as far as she can—“your house is so huge. What if I can’t find you? Where do you sleep, anyway?”
