by Lyn Cote
“When are you going to let me tell you what really happened that night?”
“I know what happened,” she said, her voice low and vibrating with intensity. “Johnny was in the truck with you. You were drunk, and you lost control and hit a tree. Johnny was killed and you walked away with a cut on your forehead. That about sums it up, doesn’t it?”
Griff didn’t speak for several seconds. Though she tried, she couldn’t read his expression. There was nothing in his eyes but emptiness. Finally, he nodded. “Yeah. That about sums it up.”
She turned and started to walk away, but his voice stopped her.
“Do you think I don’t still hurt, too, Hannah?”
She turned to face him, steeling her heart to the anguish she heard in his voice and saw in his eyes. Hindsight was always twenty-twenty, and remorse was easy enough to feel after the fact.
“Do you think I don’t regret what happened?” he asked. “Do you think there’s a single day that passes that I don’t remember how Johnny looked when they loaded him into the ambulance? That I don’t wish it had been me instead of him?”
“Then that makes two of us.”
Before she turned her back on him again, she saw him close his eyes and scrub a hand down his lean cheek. Keeping her back ramrod straight, she began to push her buggyaway from him. She was near the end of the aisle when he asked, “When are you going to forgive me, Hannah?”
Hannah stopped short. She refused to turn and look at him. “Never.” The finality in her voice sounded harsh, even to her own ears.
“That’s too bad,” he told her. “It’s been twelve years, and you’re too beautiful a woman to let bitterness eat you up.”
“Believe me, I haven’t forgotten how long it’s been.”
“Have you forgotten that we’re supposed to forgive one another?”
Furious, Hannah spun around to face him. “Don’t you dare preach to me!”
“I’m not preaching. Just reminding you what the Bible says. It also says we’re to love our enemies, doesn’t it?” Without waiting for her to reply, he turned and left her standing there. Only when he made a right turn at the end of the aisle did she realize she could hardly see him for her angry tears.
“Jake says he’s going to die of exhaustion if we don’t get the house finished soon,” Elizabeth said the following afternoon as the three friends were having a cup of tea at Hannah’s. Ever since they’d returned from their honeymoon, Elizabeth and her new husband, Jake Clark, had been working at restoring the old house that had brought them together.
“I know it’s a lot of work,” Jo said, “but it’ll be worth it.”
“That’s what Jake says. And it really is a labor of love.”
Hannah sipped her tea and let the conversation drift on around her.
“—really hard to adjust to sharing a house with someone else—not to mention a bathroom…”
“—bought me a new nightie…”
“—wants to have a baby as soon as possible…”
“—us, too…”
Hannah stifled the urge to walk out of the room. She was sick and tired of the intimate hopes, dreams and plans as well as the good-natured ribbing and recipe-swapping. It was irritating and downright disgusting to see them so smug and happy…like two cats who’d just licked up a bowl of spilt cream.
Face it, Hannah. You’re jealous.
Jealous? Ridiculous! She was really happy for them, wasn’t she? She sighed. If she were honest, she’d admit that her feelings fell somewhere between. She was happy for them. They were both wonderful people and deserved the joy they’d found. The problem was, Hannah no longer fit into their lives. She knew they didn’t mean to make her feel left out; in fact, they went out of their way to include her whenever possible. They both called every day and they still saw each other several times a week. It was simply that she had little in common with them anymore.
“—says Griff is doing really well since he opened his office. I guess there are a lot of people who need counseling, even in a small town.”
The comment about Griff snagged Hannah’s wandering attention.
“I hear he’s very good,” Elizabeth said before asking Hannah, “Aren’t Susan, Lane and Kim seeing him?”
Hannah reached for the delicate Haviland teapot and topped off their cups. “I think they’ve been once or twice,” she said, careful to keep any animosity out of her voice.
“And?”
“I really haven’t talked to her about it,” Hannah said.
“Do I detect a little frost in your voice?” Elizabeth asked.
“You know how I feel about Griff Harrison,” Hannah said, getting up so abruptly she bumped the table and set the tea to sloshing in the cups.
“I know you think he’s responsible for what happened to Johnny, and—”
“He was responsible.”
Jo gave a slow nod. “I guess he was. I know you loved Johnny, but you were just kids, Hannah, and it was a long time ago,” Jo said in a gentle voice. “It’s time you let it go. Time to forgive and forget.”
Hannah’s laughter rang with bitterness. “Forget? Never. And forgive? That’s what Griff told me I should do the other day.”
“You spoke to him?” Elizabeth asked, flashing another look at Jo.
“I ran into him at the store,” Hannah said. “First he tried to act as if nothing had happened, and when I wouldn’t play his little game, he let me know I should practice forgiveness.”
“He has a point,” Jo said. “You know it’s the Christian thing to do, Hannah. And the forgiveness is more for you than for him.”
“Whatever that means,” Hannah grumbled, knowing her friends—and Griff—were right but unable to get past the pain and anger that were stuck in the place her heart should be.
“You know what it means,” Elizabeth said.
Hannah pinned her friend with a hard stare. “Do you think I’m filled with bitterness, too?”
“I’m afraid so,” Elizabeth said. “Not that you let it show to anyone but us,” she hastened to add. “It’s just that Jo and I know how special you are, and we want you to be happy.”
“I’m content.”
“Happy,” Elizabeth reiterated.
The expression in her eyes brought a lump to Hannah’s throat. “The holidays are coming. I’m always happy during the holidays.”
“You’re always busy during the holidays,” Jo said. “There is a difference. And speaking of the holidays, are you having Thanksgiving at Susan’s?”
“Always the diplomat,” Hannah said, knowing her friend had changed the subject on purpose. “But yes, I’m having Thanksgiving at Susan’s. Since I have something booked for almost every day in December, Susan said I had enough cooking to do without making Thanksgiving dinner.”
Jo smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand. “Oh! I meant to ask. Elizabeth and Jake are coming over for dinner tomorrow night. Why don’t you join us?”
Hannah forced a laugh. “Thanks, but no thanks. I’d just be in the way.”
She noticed the look that passed between her friends before Elizabeth said, “Don’t be ridiculous. You’d never be in the way.”
“Spoken like a true friend,” Hannah quipped.
“I hope so,” Elizabeth said, sincerity in her voice and eyes.
“You are,” Hannah said, looking from one to the other. “Both of you. But I really do have things to do tomorrow night.”
They accepted her excuse, but when they left, Hannah couldn’t shake the fact that her friends were worried about her. In truth, she was worried about herself.
Chapter Two
“All done setting the tables.” The announcement came from Susan, Hannah’s older sister, who always came when Hannah needed help, which was almost daily. The arrangement worked out well for them both, since Hannah knew she could count on Susan, and Susan, a single mom, appreciated the extra money her three part-time jobs brought in.
Hannah dipped the last chicke
n breast in egg white and then in the fresh garlic-Parmesan breadcrumbs. “Thanks, sis. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Me, either,” Susan said with a half smile. She glanced at her watch. “I have time for a quick cup of coffee before I have to pick up Kim from school. Want some?”
“I’d love a cup,” Hannah said, placing the last piece of chicken with the others and going to wash her hands.
“How are the kids doing?” she asked, sitting down at the oak table that had belonged to their mother. “It’s always so crazy around here, I forget to ask.”
“It’s been some easier the last week or so. You know we’ve all been going to see Griff once a week?” It came out a question and was delivered in a tone of apology.
“I know,” Hannah said with a nod.
“He said to tell you hello.”
Hannah grimaced. “So, is he working miracles?”
“Of sorts,” Susan said. “At least the three of us aren’t at each other’s throats the way we were. I’m trying to lighten up, and the kids are trying to be more responsible, but I still don’t like that boy Kim has a crush on. He’s a little too wild from what I hear, not to mention he’s Lane’s age. Luckily he hasn’t shown much interest in Kim so far.”
“Well, Griff should be able to give you all sorts of advice on dealing with bad boys. After all, he was one.”
“Actually, he’s said as much to Lane.”
“Really?” Hannah couldn’t hide her surprise.
“I think he’s helping both the kids to see that teenagers all go through similar experiences. He’s trying to give them the ammunition to make the right choices when temptations come along.”
“Is he preachy?” Hannah asked, knowing Griff was classified as a Christian counselor.
“Not really. Mostly, he listens. He isn’t judgmental, which the kids appreciate, since they claim I am. Griff just tosses the ball back in their court when they make some outrageous statement. He’s forcing them both to look ahead and imagine what the possible fallout might be if they choose a certain course.”
Whether or not she liked who gave the advice, Hannah was glad it was helping and told her sister so. Lane had been a handful since his dad had walked out two years earlier for another woman, and Kim had recently begun to show signs of following in his footsteps, now that she was approaching high-school age.
“Griff’s been a blessing, that’s for sure,” Susan said. She laughed. “I think Kim has a crush on him. He’s certainly a hunk.” She gave Hannah a sly smile. “If I remember correctly, you used to think so, too, little sister.”
Hannah’s heart gave a little lurch. “Wrong brother,” she quipped.
“I don’t think so,” Susan said with a shake of her finger. “I may be older than you, but I’m not senile yet. As I remember, you had a crush on Griff before you started dating Johnny. I even remember him coming to the house a few times.”
The crush was something Hannah had done her best to forget, but she knew there was no use arguing with her sister. Right or wrong, Susan always won. “Okay, okay,” Hannah said. “Guilty as charged. Thank goodness I realized he was way too old for me.”
“Four years!” Susan scoffed. “That’s nothing.”
“But back then, in experience alone, it was more like ten.”
“You have a point,” Susan conceded with a laugh. “I remember every mother in town got the shivers if they saw their daughters even look at Griff. Mama was no exception.”
“I know.” The expression in Hannah’s eyes softened at the memory of her mother and father, who had died in a car crash when she was just twenty-five. “She used to say she didn’t know how Margaret and Harold could have raised boys that were so different. Griff was a wild one, and Johnny was so good-hearted and polite.”
“The perfect man,” Susan said jokingly.
“He was!”
“Honey,” Susan said, reaching out and patting Hannah’s hand. “No one will argue that Johnny Harrison was a good person. But believe me, he wasn’t perfect, as you’d have no doubt found out if he’d lived.”
“But he didn’t live, did he?” Hannah snapped. “Thanks to your miracle worker.”
Susan’s brown eyes were troubled. “Hannah, honey, it’s way past time for you to get over this…this hatred you feel for Griff. You aren’t a child anymore. Most things aren’t black and white. You need to take a hard look at the past from an adult’s perspective.”
“So you think I’m behaving like a child?”
“To put it bluntly, I think your judgment is stunted in this particular area. You condemned him twelve years ago, and in your mind that’s the end of it. But people change. Griff certainly has. He made some bad choices when he was younger, and he knows it. Besides being responsible for his brother’s death, he made a bad marriage, went through a divorce and lost custody of his child. Don’t you think he’s lived with the heartache of his mistakes every day, the same way we all do?” Susan gave a little shrug. “Well, everyone but you.”
Hannah remembered Griff claiming to suffer daily pain the day she’d run into him at the grocery store, but it was her sister’s last comment that gave her pause. “What do you mean, everyone but me?”
“You don’t have to grieve over your mistakes, because you never made any. Saint Hannah. No wild nights, no stolen kisses, no undesirable men.”
“You make it sound as if I’ve done something wrong, as if trying to live a Christian life is a bad thing.”
“In some ways you have done something wrong. You’ve shut yourself off from anything but the most superficial relationships. Whenever someone gets too close, you shy away. If the status quo changes, you retreat to your comfort zone.”
Shocked at what she was hearing, Hannah could only ask, “Meaning?”
“Jo and Elizabeth both say you’re holding them at arm’s length since they got married.”
“I don’t! I just don’t have anything in common with them, anymore.” Hannah denied, but she knew it was the truth.
“They’re your friends, honey. You have almost thirty years of things in common, and don’t forget it. And don’t forget that Christian life you claim to lead includes forgiveness.”
Hannah thought about what her sister had said long after she left. Was she emotionally stunted? Did she shy away from anyone who wanted to get close? She hadn’t had three dates in that many years and told herself she liked it that way, but truthfully, even before Jo and Elizabeth got married, she’d felt a yearning for a close relationship, for children, for someone to come through the door at the end of the day, someone who loved her beyond reason.
Without warning, an image of Griff striding through her kitchen door flashed through her mind. It was Susan’s fault for making her remember her old crush on Griff, especially since she’d tried so hard to forget it.
She’d been seventeen, a junior, and watching the service station while her dad went to make a bank deposit when Griff had pulled up in his restored 1957 Chevy. She’d known it was him when she heard the rumble of the glass-packed mufflers and the low roar of the Corvette engine….
Hannah had been standing behind the counter looking through a teen magazine when Griff came strolling through the door. “Hey, pretty girl,” he said with a smile that made her heart stumble. “What are you doing here?”
“Dad had to go to the bank,” she told him. “He’ll be back in a few minutes.”
“I’ll wait. He was supposed to see about some new tires for the Chevy.” Without waiting for her to reply, he took some change from the pocket of his jeans and put it in the soda machine. He held out a can. “Want one?”
“I have one, thanks.”
He popped the top, sauntered over to the counter and, resting an elbow on it, leaned toward her. Griff looked her straight in the eyes and smiled. The smile hit Hannah with a wallop, and she knew without a doubt that the man before her—and he was a man—was dangerous. She forced herself not to back up.
“I haven
’t seen you at church in ages,” she said.
“I work Sundays now,” he told her, taking a sip of the cola.
“Couldn’t you come at night?” she asked, risking a glance.
He regarded her with narrowed eyes, then smiled. “Maybe. If there was a really good reason to.”
“What about because you’re supposed to?”
“My parents have been making me do what I’m supposed to all my life. Now that I’ve moved out, I do what I want.” He took another drink of the soda and said, “So, are you dating anyone?”
Embarrassed, Hannah shrugged. “No one seems interested.”
“What’s wrong with those bozos? Are they blind?”
Hannah forced herself to look at him before letting her eyelashes flutter down again. She was flirting with the most dangerous guy in town. Throwing caution to the wind, she lifted her lashes and smiled. “Maybe I don’t appeal to them.”
“Then they must be crazy.” His voice sounded like a low growl. Before she realized what he was going to do, he leaned forward and kissed her. Startled, thrilled, scared, all she could do was stand there, her elbows resting on the counter while the kiss worked its particular brand of magic. And then, just as suddenly as he’d touched his lips to hers, he jerked away.
Feeling bemused and strangely bereft, Hannah just stood staring at him. Griff looked as dazed as she felt.
Griff pointed a finger at her. “You are flat-out dangerous, Hannah West.”
Without another word, he turned and left her standing there, thanksgiving and fear in her heart. She was no match for Griff Harrison, and that was a fact.
Though she usually shared everything with Elizabeth and Jo, she’d never told them about the kiss or the feelings it generated. Two days later, Johnny had asked her to go out with him.
Physically, Johnny looked a lot like his brother, but he was nothing like Griff. Where Griff was tough, Johnny was gentle. Where Griff was bad, Johnny was good. Johnny had no problem doing what he was supposed to do. They were inseparable their senior year. They sat together at church, went to devotionals together, double-dated with their friends and made plans for their future together when they graduated. She would be a teacher; he would become a cop. They would have three children and live in the big Carmichael house.
