by Leanne Banks
She made a restless move with her arms. "Yes."
Lord, he felt like he was pulling teeth. "Any particular reason you didn't?"
She nodded. "Yes."
Joshua waited in silence, but she said nothing. He ground his teeth together. "Would you like to share it with me?"
She paused as if she wasn't at all certain she wanted to share anything with him, and her hesitation got under his skin. He swore under his breath. "Okay, Maddie, quit playing chicken," he said, and watched her head snap upward. He pulled her against him and struggled with an urge to kiss the resistance out of her. "Tell me what the hell is going on. The last time I was with you we were as close as two people can get. The last time we were together we made love."
Her brown gaze finally met his, defiant, yet disappointed in a way that made his gut sink. "I screwed up," she said flatly. "I thought you and I wanted the same thing, but I was wrong. I can't be with you that way anymore."
* * *
Ten
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Joshua thought he would have recovered more quickly if she'd kicked him in the groin. This sharp pain, however, was much higher. He stared at her. "What in hell are you talking about?"
"Exactly what I said," she told him, and wiggled as if she was trying to get away from him.
Joshua instinctively tightened his hands. "What is this stuff about not wanting the same thing?"
She took a deep breath. "We don't. I want a more permanent relationship. I thought you did, too, but you don't. My fault," she said quickly in a soft voice. "I'm not blaming you. I'm not trying to trick you or change you, but I want more than I've had in the past." She shook her head. "I can't settle for what I had before. I have someone else to think about now. Davey."
Settle. Now he knew what Jenna Jean had meant. He bit back a silent oath.
She gave a shaky, terrible attempt at a smile and made a choking sound he'd bet she intended as a laugh. "And call me crazy, but maybe there's somebody out there who will look at me and see more than a good time."
Everything inside him roared in protest. "You're more than a good—"
She held up a hand and shook her head. "Joshua, this isn't necessary. I know you're trying to be kind, but I don't need your reassurance. I don't blame you. I understand what you want. I simply can't give it, and this whole thing is embarrassing for me, so I'd just like to go." She looked away from him and waited a few seconds. "Please."
He couldn't let her go. His hands, his body, his mind would not let her go. It was more than unacceptable. It was untenable. He shook his head, rejecting everything she'd said. "No. I—"
The door whooshed open into Maddie, pushing both of them backward. He heard Patrick call out, "I'm home!"
Maddie used the moment to pry Joshua's fingers from her arms and step away from him. He watched her force a smile for his son and greet him. "I've gotta run. I'll see you two next week. Take care, now."
She whirled through the open doorway and ran down the steps. She started her engine, her muffler scaring the birds out of the trees. Fighting the urge to stop her, Joshua clenched his fists and knew with sinking certainty that he had just let the best thing that had happened to him slip right through his fingers.
"Dad. Hey, Dad," Patrick said for the third time. "What's with you and Maddie? I thought you and she were—"
Tearing his gaze from the exhaust Maddie's car had left in its wake, Joshua looked at Patrick and saw the questions all over his son's face. He sighed. "I thought we were, too," he muttered, and closed the door behind them.
"So what happened? Did you dump her or something?" Patrick asked as he followed Joshua into the kitchen.
The irony was enough to make him choke. Joshua shook his head. "No. She dumped me."
Patrick's eyes rounded. "No way!"
His chest hurt, and he felt a gnawing ache he was determined to categorize as hunger for dinner. "Yes. She dumped me."
"Geez, Dad. What did you do? Maddie's so cool. She would have to be really ticked off to dump you, wouldn't she?"
The truth was painfully clear to Joshua. Maddie had opened her heart to him and let him in. She had been warm and willing and loving in a way no one had ever been to him.
Maddie had not been the one to mess up.
"I screwed up," he said to Patrick. It was simple. He'd rolled the dice and lost, and Joshua fought the certain, but sickening feeling that this loss could have a significant impact on the rest of his life.
* * *
Joshua's dreams faded completely away. There wasn't even a glimmer of any nocturnal vision that graced him. His nights returned to drab, endless black deserts. It was like a winter that wouldn't end. He dreaded going to bed at night and hated the way he felt when he woke in the morning.
He told himself there were advantages to getting back his precious peace and quiet. He wasn't changing tires in the rain. He wasn't delivering pacifiers to single mothers. He wasn't losing sleep while he rocked a fretful baby with an ear infection. It had been weeks since the birds in his trees had exhibited signs of nervous breakdowns from the sound of Maddie's muffler, because she'd delivered the last few meals via her brother. Major didn't bark his head off when she came within earshot.
Everything was quieter. It was an improvement, he insisted. He liked it better this way. He liked his life calm and without disruptions.
But he felt like a dried-up leaf. Maddie had brought the rain, but she'd also brought the sunshine. She had kicked the life back into him. She had made him aware of all he'd been missing the past years. She'd given him a taste of possibilities. She'd made him want, then satisfied him. She'd made him feel, and he almost resented her for that. Not feeling had been easier.
It was Wednesday night, and Joshua heard Benjamin Palmer buzz to a stop on his Harley. Patrick shot up from the kitchen table and walked to open the front door. "Wonder what she sent this time," he said.
"I don't know," Joshua muttered, and joined his son.
With eyes so like Maddie's, Ben shot Joshua a cocky, denigrating glance, then nodded at Patrick. "How ya doing, bud?"
"Pretty good. School will be out in a few weeks. I can't wait."
Brooding, Joshua watched the two as they conversed. He was fairly certain the only reason Ben hadn't added arsenic to the food was because of Patrick.
"She sent chicken stir-fry and rice. You'll probably need to heat it up. The brownies are awesome. I negotiated a batch in trade," Ben said, grinning slyly at Patrick.
"You're lucky," Patrick said. "You can eat Maddie's food anytime."
"Thank you for bringing the meal," Joshua told Ben. "I'd appreciate it if you'd tell Maddie I said thank you, too."
Ben looked at him as if he'd just as soon spit at him. "It's not gonna make a helluva big difference. You screwed up."
Joshua didn't blink. "Yeah, I did."
Ben's eyes widened briefly in surprise, then he turned back to chat with Patrick.
When he started to leave, Joshua gave in to a growing need to know what Maddie was doing. "How is she?"
Ben paused. "Fine," he said. "She's busy, but she always worked at staying busy when something was bothering her. Right now an IRS auditor is trying to make sense of last year's return."
Joshua frowned. He was reasonably certain tax accounting wasn't Maddie's forte. "Has she got a tax accountant?"
"I don't think so. What do you care?" he asked belligerently. "All you wanted was a roll in the—"
He didn't get out the rest of his statement before something inside Joshua snapped and he shoved Ben against the wall. "I told you," he said, meeting the younger man's defiant gaze, "I screwed up. I'm paying for it. She's gone, and I wake up knowing it every single day."
Ben shrugged against the hold and stared at him. "Well, if you're that unhappy about it, and you're damn sure you're not going to hurt her again, then why don't you do something about it?"
* * *
"Everywhere But The Moon Tours," Maddie said into the phone, wishing she
could go to the moon. "This is Maddie. How can I help you?"
After spending her lunch hour trying to reason with the IRS representative, she was convinced the man had ice water in his veins instead of blood. She was also convinced that one of the all-time great American lies was, "Hello, I'm with the IRS, and I'm here to help you."
Pushing aside her anxiety about her audit, she listened to the customer's request for airline tickets and punched out the information on her keyboard, then gave a quote.
"Which credit card—" She faltered when a cup of ice cream and a pink plastic spoon was placed on her desk in front of her. She slowly glanced up and saw a pair of hard muscular thighs encased in snug denim, a leather belt and gold buckle, a flat abdomen, well-developed chest and broad shoulders. She looked up a little farther and saw Joshua regarding her intently. Her heart slammed into overdrive.
The customer chanted the numbers to his credit card, but Maddie didn't take them down. She shook her head and looked away from Joshua. "I'm sorry. Could you repeat that, please?"
She had to shade her eyes to focus, but she managed to get the appropriate information and ring off. She looked at Joshua again and blinked to make sure she hadn't imagined him. Again.
"Hi," she said. She'd delayed seeing him because she'd known it would knock her sideways. She'd hoped time would soften the impact. It hadn't.
"Hi," he said, and his voice did the same scary, wonderful thing to her stomach.
She took a careful breath and tried not to stare. He looked so good, but was so bad for her. "Well, what are you doing here?"
He nodded toward the ice cream. "You never got to eat your ice cream that night we were together."
She glanced at it and fought a sensual, emotional tidal wave. The night they'd made love. She pushed her hair back from her face and produced a smile. "What a nice surprise," she murmured, and pulled off the top.
Whipped cream. A lump formed in her throat.
"Underneath the butterscotch syrup and sprinkles there is some ice cream," he said in a wry tone.
How was she going to eat this? All she could think of was the erotic taste of Joshua and whipped cream. Her mind was filled with the image of Joshua taking her, and her taking him.
Extremely conscious of his gaze on her, she forced a small bite in her mouth. "It's delicious."
"Good." He sat on the edge of her desk. "I wondered if you would go with me for ice cream on Friday."
She had wondered if he would come around again. She had hoped for it, feared it, avoided it. She'd even bribed Ben to deliver Joshua's meals so she wouldn't have to face him. Cowardly? Perhaps. Maddie preferred to view it as prudent. While she'd never been particularly prudent before, she thought it might be a good idea to develop the attribute.
So far it went against her grain. But she wasn't giving up yet. She had too much to lose.
Not only that, she was wearing three guardian angel pins under her collar to protect her from temptation. Temptation was sitting right in front her, and it wasn't the ice cream.
She cleared her throat. "I don't think that's a good idea."
He leaned closer. "Why not?"
He made the words sound intimate; his mouth was close, and she could see the wanting in his gaze. The same wanting she felt inside. It would be so easy to lift her lips for him to take.
His eyes could turn her to liquid, his voice dissolved her resolve. He was the best and worst kind of temptation. Lead me not into temptation, Maddie thought desperately. I have no problem getting there all by myself.
She sucked in a deep breath and backed away. "Because you have a bad habit of melting my—" Everything, she thought. You melt my everything. But she glanced down at her disintegrating dessert and said, "Ice cream."
* * *
On Saturday morning she had the stereo cranked up to concert level. If she had to revisit her tax return for the tenth time, then U2 could help her through it. She'd set Davey's swing to rock for twenty minutes, and every now and then she tickled his toes and made kiss noises on his feet. She was flipping through old receipts and canceled checks when someone banged on her front door.
She debated answering it. So far, one charity and two religious organizations had solicited her. Grudgingly, she rose and opened the door.
Joshua and a preppy-looking man stood on her porch.
Maddie's gaze latched on to Joshua, and she felt that familiar, cursed, sinking sensation. What was he doing here? After turning down his offer for ice cream and anything else he might have in mind, she'd assumed he wouldn't come for her anymore. After all, Joshua could have any number of women. That fact did nothing to elevate her mood.
Irritated that she was going to have to shoo him away again, Maddie thought about her guardian angels and frowned. She was doing her best to fight her desire for Joshua and she could use some help.
Joshua's mouth was moving, but she couldn't quite make out his words. "Pardon?" she said.
With a wry half grin, he shook his head and walked past her to turn down the volume of the stereo. "I understand you've been going a couple of rounds with the IRS, so I brought a friend who can help. This is Roger Hensley. He's my tax accountant."
Nonplussed, she hesitated, looking from Joshua to Roger. She extended her hand. "Thank you. It's very nice to meet you." She had no idea how to act toward Joshua. This went far beyond ice cream. It was thoughtful, considerate. She might almost believe she truly mattered to him. Her heart swelled in hope, and she scolded herself. She'd been fooled before.
"Maddie," Roger said, "do you mind letting me take a look at your return?"
Torn for only a second, she shook her head. "Not at all. I'd be very grate—" She broke off when Joshua caught her eye. The tension thrummed between them. There'd been gratitude and too much more, but she couldn't afford to turn down an offer of help at this stage. "I'd appreciate it," she said, then went to collect the forms.
Two hours later Roger had worked his accounting magic and straightened out her return. He gave her his business card as he left. "If the gladiator from the IRS has any questions, you can tell him to call me."
She offered to pay him, but he held up his hands and assured her it was covered. After he was gone, she turned slowly to Joshua, who was holding Davey as he slept. The image tugged at her heart, reminding her of secret wishes and dreams, reminding her of her foolish hopefulness. She tried to block her feelings.
It was nearly impossible. "That was very nice," she told him. "Why did you do it?"
Joshua looked momentarily uncomfortable. "You needed help. It wasn't difficult to arrange."
Maddie nodded and took Davey from Joshua. "No big deal?" she asked in a quiet voice. "No big deal to get a tax accountant to make a house call on a Saturday morning."
He shrugged. "He's an old friend. A nice guy."
"What did you give him?" When he looked as if he was going to deny it, she cut him off at the pass. "And don't lie."
"Discount stud service for his mare." His eyes glinted with sexual innuendo. "Don't worry, Maddie. No one will suffer."
She groaned and walked away, taking Davey to his crib. Her mind was whirling. Why was he doing this? It made no sense. Joshua had made it clear he wanted her for a good time. She'd made it clear she needed more now. So why was he playing with her? Why was he doing things for her?
Returning to the den, she confronted him. "I appreciate your friend's help with my taxes very much, Joshua. But I don't understand why you came to see me at work the other day or today."
He walked toward her. "I've missed you."
Her stomach turned a somersault. "You have?" She heard the cracked surprise in her own voice and cleared her throat.
"Yeah." He lifted a strand of hair from her cheek. "Have you missed me?" he asked in a low voice.
Too much. She swallowed. "I—uh—I thought it would be best if we didn't see each other."
Joshua nodded and moved closer. "I disagree."
Maddie stepped backward, trying to creat
e some desperately needed space between them. "We want different things. You want fun. I need— Ouch!" Her heel banged against the baseboard.
"You rushed me," he told her in a mild tone.
She looked at him in confusion. "I rushed you?"
"I'd just gotten started and you decided it was over."
Despite his closeness, she tried to keep a clear head. "I thought it was best—"
"Best for who?" he demanded, trailing his fingertips down her bare arm.
She ignored the tingling sensation. "Best for both of us."
"Not for me," he told her, and lowered his mouth to hers.
She ducked her head and dodged him, barely. Oh, Lord, she could practically taste him, she thought, closing her eyes for a second.
He took a different tack and brushed his lips over her bangs. "I've missed you. I want to know that you've missed me, too."
Her heart squeezed tight. She feared saying yes to him, feared it would precipitate a slew of other yeses she shouldn't even be thinking. "That doesn't really matter," she insisted. "We want different things."
"Go to lunch with me," he said, dropping his mouth to her neck.
Maddie shook her head. "No."
"Tell me you've missed me."
"No." She whispered the lie and bit back a groan when he pressed against her from chest to thigh. He was strong, and he felt so right. But it was so wrong. She pushed against him and squeezed underneath his arm, holding out her hand for him to stop when he walked toward her again.
"We're nowhere near finished yet," he told her, determination stamped on his face.
The power of his confidence could have daunted her if she didn't have a stubborn will of her own. She suspected, however, that she was going to need more than three metal angels from the card shop, if she was going to stand her ground.
She lifted her chin. "You're not calling all the shots, Joshua. It takes two, and I don't want to play with you anymore."
His gaze skimmed over her possessively. "Then I'll have to change that, won't I? And, sweetheart, here's fair warning, I've just gotten started."
He walked out the door, leaving Maddie to wonder when salt-of-the-earth, stick-in-the-mud Joshua had turned into the very devil.
