by Leanne Banks
Maddie's throat tightened, because she feared Joshua's concept of meeting halfway would be like trying to leap across the Grand Canyon.
* * *
Twelve
« ^ »
A few nights later Joshua sat on Maddie's hill. Yes, he owned the property, but some crazy part of him had decided Maddie owned the hill. He thought about his life, his heart, and wondered if she owned more than the hill.
Joshua hadn't spent the past twelve years searching his soul about why Patrick's mother had died. He'd been too busy building his business and too clueless about raising a son on his own to do a lot of soul searching.
Lately, however, Joshua had done an awful lot of thinking, and some of it hadn't been enjoyable. He wondered if, deep down, he had blamed himself for Gail's death. As a high school senior, he'd been the one to talk her into going all the way in his car. He'd been the one to forget about contraception.
She'd been the one to pay.
The unfairness upset him. Why'd she have to die? Why'd it have to go so terribly wrong? Why'd Patrick have to grow up without a mother?
The thoughts made his chest feel heavy with regret. He remembered walking around bearing this heaviness for years, but staying too busy to figure out the source of it. Now, he knew.
And the reason he knew was Maddie. She made the heaviness go away. She gave him hope. She made him feel the sunshine and taste the rain.
He craved her presence. She talked about being scared. He laughed without humor. If she knew how much he craved her, it would probably scare the living daylights out of her. It sure as hell disturbed him.
For so long it had been safe to stay uninvolved, to keep his heart and life locked away. It had been a relief not to dream or feel too much. Now, however, it was as if Maddie had shown him another world, and Joshua didn't want to leave. He smiled darkly to himself. No matter how hard she tried to push him away, he thought as he stared into the darkness, he wanted her.
A moment passed and he caught sight of Patrick walking toward him. From his seated position in the grass, Joshua was especially aware of Patrick's height. Where had the years gone? he wondered, but didn't voice the thought. Although Joshua hadn't met all his son's needs, he had the satisfaction of knowing he'd done his best, and Patrick had flourished. For his age he was a responsible, levelheaded kid. Worthy of his father's trust and respect.
When Joshua looked at Patrick, he thought maybe he hadn't screwed up too badly after all.
Patrick's gaze was curious. "You got a call from some Randolph woman. She says her mare's in season."
Joshua nodded. "She's early, but we can handle it."
Patrick shoved his hands in his pockets. "So, uh, what are you doin' up here?"
Joshua's lips tilted. He knew he was acting strange as hell. "Listening," he said. "Looking at the stars."
Patrick looked at him. "Oh." He looked up at the stars, then back to Joshua. "Does this have anything to do with Maddie?"
Joshua cocked his head to one side. His son had good instincts. "Yeah. I've been thinking about Maddie some lately."
"Are you gonna marry her?"
His neck muscles tightened and he rubbed the back of it. "I haven't decided."
"Do you love her?"
Joshua paused a half beat. He wasn't exactly happy with the truth yet. "Yeah, I think I do."
"Do you think she loves you?"
Joshua's heart softened. "Yeah, I think she does, son." He looked into Patrick's searching gaze. "It takes more than love, sometimes."
Patrick shrugged as if he didn't understand. "Well, if you decide to marry her, I like having her around."
Joshua swallowed a grin. "Are you sure? What about Davey? Babies make a lot of noise."
Patrick shook his head. "He's an okay baby. Not too cranky. And he only throws up a little bit."
"That's true, but Maddie's a woman, and when they move into a house, they like to change things."
Patrick's eyes narrowed in wariness. "What kind of things?"
Joshua thought back to his earlier life. "Oh, they put perfume and makeup bottles all over the bathroom, and they like to put knickknacks around the house. They get upset when you leave socks on the floor, and like you to clean your room on a regular basis."
Patrick was silent for a long moment. "Since you've got a master bath, she'd probably put the perfume in your bathroom. The knickknacks are no big deal, but we might have to talk about cleaning my room." He gave a wily grin. "Maybe for brownies."
Joshua laughed. "You've been taking lessons from Ben."
"Ben's cool," Patrick said. "Speaking of Ben, he-uh-let me drive his motorcycle."
Joshua raised his eyebrows. Patrick knew Joshua didn't like the idea of him driving a motorcycle yet. "He did?"
"Yeah. I was supercareful," he rushed to say. "I wore a helmet and didn't drive too fast or anything. I've got another computer class after school tomorrow, and I was hoping you would let me drive the motorcycle to school."
Joshua's automatic response was no, but then he saw the undiluted hope on his son's face. Patrick was a good kid. Worthy of trust. He took a deep breath.
"This won't be a regular occurrence," he said, "and—"
"Al-l-l-l-l-right!" Patrick yelled. "Dad, you won't regret this. I'll be so careful."
"You damn well better be." Joshua stood. "Wear the helmet."
"I will."
"And you drive defensively, because people don't see motorcycles as easily as they see cars."
"I know."
"Keep your distance and no showing off," Joshua continued. "Even if the girls are watching."
Patrick just grinned. "I won't."
* * *
Joshua made it inside his front door just as Maddie whirled from the kitchen. Her eyes flew open wide in surprise. She'd obviously finagled a key from Patrick, and the little scamp was trying to sneak away without seeing him.
"In a rush again?" he asked mildly, leaning against the door.
She straightened her posture. "Not a tremendous hurry," Maddie said. "I understand you've been busy with settling and breeding and studding and stuff…" She waved her hands. "So I didn't want to interrupt your schedule."
Why not? Joshua thought. You've interrupted everything else. He lifted an eyebrow. "Studding?"
"Well, whatever it is that you do, or your horses do. You said something about settling and studs, so—"
He chuckled. "Close enough."
"Has all of that been going well? The mares are cooperative and the studs are—" She shrugged.
"The studs are always ready," Joshua told her, thinking how much the animal kingdom mirrored human mating rituals. "We don't usually have much problem with the mares unless someone has messed up with the calculations and testing and they're not in season."
She nodded. "And how do you know if it—" She searched for the word. "Takes?"
"The stick turns blue," he said wryly.
"Oh." She twined her hands together. "I don't know much about horses. I rode a pony a couple of times when I was a kid."
Confused, Joshua studied her. It had looked as if she was trying to avoid him again, but she wasn't bolting for the door right now. "Would you like to ride?"
"The stud?"
"No," Joshua said flatly, immediately. "He's mean, ornery, and the only thing he's good for is f—" He broke off to find a gentler term. "Settling mares. I have a real sweet older mare who would give you a nice ride."
She tilted her head to one side and smiled. "Is this your way of saying you don't think I can handle a stud?"
Joshua felt his blood began to heat. He would almost think she was flirting with him. "I know you can't handle my stud. My horse. But that's not to say I wouldn't want you handling anything of mine."
Her gaze met his. "Is that an invitation?"
The look in her eyes made him want to howl like a wild animal. "Yes," he said. "What do you think of that?"
She moved closer, close enough to touch. "I'm … thinkin
g." She lifted her lips to his, and Joshua felt his heart pound against his rib cage. She felt so warm, so soft, so alive, so good, he would swear he heard bells.
"The phone's ringing," Maddie managed to say when she pulled back slightly.
He sucked in a deep breath and swore. Hell, he was so aroused he could have taken her against the wall. He debated answering the phone, then remembered he was waiting on a call about another stud he wanted to buy. "Just a minute," he said firmly. "Don't go anywhere."
He jogged to the kitchen and idly noticed the table set for three. Perhaps Maddie hadn't intended to cut and run after all. He picked up the phone. "Blackwell," he said.
"Mr. Blackwell, are you Patrick Blackwell's father?" a woman asked.
"Yes," he said, frowning a little. He never got calls about Patrick.
"I'm calling from Roanoke Memorial Hospital, and your son has been in a serious automobile accident. He has arrived in the emergency room and is being examined for treatment. May we have phone permission to treat your child?"
His blood turned to ice. "Patrick?"
"Yes, sir. May we have phone permission to treat your child?"
"How serious?"
"I'm not certain. He is being evaluated. May we have phone permission to treat your child?"
"How bad is it?"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Blackwell, but I'm not certain. He is being evaluated right now. May we have phone permission to treat your child so we can begin X rays and lab work?"
"Yes," he said, frustrated when he realized she wasn't going to disclose further information. He felt Maddie's gaze on him. "Tell him I'll be there as soon as I can." He placed the phone into the cradle, fighting a terrible, terrible fear.
"What is it?" Maddie asked.
He shook his head. "It was that motorcycle," he muttered to himself as he headed for the door. "That damn motorcycle. I knew I shouldn't have let him drive it. I should have gotten rid of it. It's pure temptation for a teenage boy."
He felt her take his arm. "Joshua, what happened?" she demanded.
"It's Patrick. He's in the emergency room. I've gotta go."
"Oh, no." She paused barely a heartbeat. "Well, I'm going, too."
His mind moving a mile a minute, Joshua shook his head. "I don't know how long this will take. Don't know his condition. She mentioned X-rays. That means he's probably broken something. A motorcycle accident can be messy," he said, and felt a slice of pain at the scenarios running through his head.
Grabbing her purse, she looked at him incredulously. "I'm coming with you."
Something inside him resisted the idea, although he couldn't say why. His mind was on Patrick. "What about Davey?"
"I'll call Jenna Jean or Ben from the hospital. Do you want me to drive?"
She was serious, he thought, as they both ran to his truck. He almost laughed, but thoughts of Patrick prevented him. "I don't have time to stop for a trooper if you get a ticket."
Maddie sighed. "Good point."
During the drive, in some corner of his mind, he noticed the way Maddie tried to reassure him. She touched his arm, asked a few questions that required one-word answers and said, "I think he'll be okay."
Joshua wondered and worried. Something inside him wouldn't allow him to accept her comfort. He'd had too much practice handling tragedy alone. After he checked emergency registration, a nurse's aide led him into a separate room. His throat tightened with each passing second until the doctor arrived.
"Concussion," the doctor said. "His leg is broken in two places, and he needs sutures. According to the police, the accident wasn't his fault. He tried to avoid it."
Joshua's gut twisted viciously, and he stiffened. He shouldn't have allowed Patrick to drive the motorcycle. "Is he conscious?"
"For the most part," the doctor said. "He's still a little confused. He keeps telling the nurses he tried to get out of the way."
"He's such a good kid," Maddie said, and gently squeezed his arm. Comfort, he thought, and was almost lulled into turning to her. But Joshua turned away instead. He couldn't accept comfort while his son was in pain.
"Yeah, he is," Joshua said. "I want to see him."
"He hasn't been cleaned up," the doctor said.
"I want to see him." He looked at Maddie. "If you need to go home…"
Maddie shook her head. "I'll wait. Can you let me know how he is?"
"Yeah." He nodded as he moved away. It was peculiar as hell, but he felt a sense of loss as soon as he'd taken three steps. The feeling confused him, but he didn't have time to think about it. "I'll let you know as soon as I can."
Joshua knew it was every parent's nightmare to see their child bleeding and in pain in the emergency room. When he saw Patrick, however, he felt as if his heart was ripped out of his chest. He had to grit his teeth together to block his emotions.
Patrick looked up at him like he was drowning. "Dad. I swear it wasn't my fault. I tried to—"
Joshua shook his head and squeezed Patrick's shoulder. "Hush. I know you did your best. Let's concentrate on getting you taken care of."
He didn't stray from Patrick's side through the stitches or when they set his leg. He sent a nurse out to tell Maddie the status, but it was hours before Patrick was taken to a room.
With his son asleep, Joshua walked into the waiting room to grab some coffee. He was surprised to find Maddie still there.
She rose to her feet as soon as she saw him. "How is he?"
He rolled his shoulders. "He's gonna be okay. That broken leg won't be a cakewalk, but he's gonna be okay."
Maddie sensed the easing of tension in Joshua. "What can I do for you? Is there something you need done at your house, or can I get you some food, or—"
He shook his head. "Nothing. I'm okay. I made a call to one of the men who works for me, and he'll cover everything. You should go home. You shouldn't have spent the night in the waiting room."
Feeling superfluous, she studied him. He seemed distant to her. "You've had a long night," she said softly.
He shrugged. "I've had a lot of practice getting through long nights."
But you didn't have to go it alone, this time. She brushed the thought away, but it persisted. "Are you sure I can't do anything?"
"Let me give you a ride home."
She shook her head. "No, Ben kept Davey for me. He called a couple of times asking about Patrick, and he told me he would come and get me."
He raked a hand through his hair. "Are you sure?"
"Sure," she said, reaching her arms around him, but he felt stiff and remote. "You can relax," she whispered. "A hug isn't supposed to hurt."
He gave her a quick squeeze, then backed away, and his gaze seemed to go right through her.
"I'll check on you later," she said.
He gave a noncommittal nod and walked down the hall.
Maddie watched him, relieved that Patrick would be okay, but concerned about Joshua. His distant response troubled her.
She phoned Ben, and he took her home. During the drive, after she filled him in on Patrick, she brooded over Joshua's behavior.
"Mad, you're making me nervous. You haven't been this quiet since you found out you were pregnant." Ben paused and grimaced. "You're not pregnant again, are you?"
She rolled her eyes. "No. I'm not pregnant. I was thinking about Joshua and how aloof he seemed last night and today." She frowned in concentration. "I know he was very worried about Patrick, but he seemed to close in on himself."
"Joshua is a major league loner. He's used to coping on his own."
She glanced at Ben. "I agree, but what makes you say that? He hasn't allowed women into his life for several years, but he's always had Patrick."
"All the more reason for him to stand alone. He's probably so used to putting out fires on his own, he doesn't know what to do with another human, let alone a woman."
Maddie could argue the issue of whether or not Joshua knew what to do with a woman, but perhaps Ben had a point. "You're saying he's dealt with
crises on his own so much, that he doesn't know how to share them."
Ben nodded as he pulled into her driveway. "Yep," he said. "And I bet Joshua's not the type to ever learn."
The thought didn't comfort Maddie. Since he had told her to meet him halfway, Maddie had taken another turn and opened herself to him again. She scowled at herself. Who was she fooling? When had she successfully shut him out?
But now she needed to take a hard look at his behavior. What if he shut her out? She already knew he would stand by her during a crisis of hers. But would she be able to accept him keeping her at arm's length during his rough moments?
She shook her head. Even with all the changes she'd been through in the past year, Maddie knew she was not a woman for half measures. Although she might be more careful now, she would never be prudent. She had a go-for-it quality, and it had been responsible for her triumphs and losses.
She wondered, when all was said and done, which way it would end with Joshua.
* * *
Thirteen
« ^
Joshua pulled his front door shut behind him and leaned against it. Not bothering to turn on a light, he just stood in the silent darkness and sighed. The doctor said he wanted to keep Patrick for observation one more night. Everyone, including Patrick, had told Joshua to go home.
So, here he was, forced to face the absence of the noisiness and frantic pace of the hospital. At the hospital there were a hundred interruptions. Take the blood pressure, check his sutures, take his temperature, give him lunch… On and on it went. The routine had offered little peace, but it at least had kept the demons at bay.
It had kept him from wondering if he'd failed Patrick by allowing him to ride the motorcycle. It had kept him from memories of Gail's repeated stays at the hospital, and that last trip to the emergency room when nothing could be done. It had almost kept him from missing Maddie.
"Another long day," a soft feminine voice murmured from the other side of the room. "No rest for the wicked."
