The Weird: A Compendium of Strange and Dark Stories

by Jeff Vandermeer; Ann Vandermeer

  Investigation to the Skull’s Family’s House

  When I travelled with him a distance of about twelve miles away to that market, the gentleman left the really road on which we were travelling and branched into an endless forest and I was following him, but as I did not want him to see that I was following him, then I used one of my juju which changed me into a lizard and followed him. But after I had travelled with him a distance of about twenty-five miles away in this endless forest, he began to pull out all the parts of his body and return them to the owners, and paid them.

  After I had travelled with him for another fifty miles in this forest, then he reached his house and entered it, but I entered it also with him, as I was a lizard. The first thing that he did when he entered the hole (house) he went straight to the place where the lady was, and I saw the lady sat on a bull-frog with a single cowrie tied on her neck and a Skull who was watching her stood behind her. After he (gentleman) had seen that the lady was there, he went to the back-yard where all his family were working.

  The Investigator’s Wonderful Work in the Skull’s Family’s House

  When I saw this lady and when the Skull who brought her to that hole or whom I followed from the market to that hole went to the back-yard, then I changed myself to a man as before, then I talked to the lady but she could not answer me at all, she only showed that she was in a serious condition. The Skull who was guarding her with a whistle fell asleep at that time.

  To my surprise, when I helped the lady to stand up from the frog on which she sat, the cowrie that was tied on her neck made a curious noise at once, and when the Skull who was watching her heard the noise, he woke up and blew the whistle to the rest, then the whole of them rushed to the place and surrounded the lady and me, but at the same time that they saw me there, one of them ran to a pit which was not so far from that spot, the pit was filled with cowries. He picked one cowrie out of the pit, after that he was running towards me, and the whole crowd wanted to tie the cowrie on my neck too. But before they could do that, I had changed myself into air, they could not trace me out again, but I was looking at them. I believed that the cowries in that pit were their power and to reduce the power of any human being whenever tied on his or her neck and also to make a person dumb.

  Over one hour after I had dissolved into air, these Skulls went back to the back-yard, but there remained the Skull who was watching her.

  After they had returned to the back-yard, I changed to a man as usual, then I took the lady from the frog, but at the same time that I touched her, the cowrie which was tied on her neck began to shout; even if a person was four miles away he would not have to listen before hearing, but immediately the Skull who was watching her heard the noise and saw me when I took her from that frog, he blew the whistle to the rest of them who were in the back-yard.

  Immediately the whole Skull family heard the whistle when blew to them, they were rushing out to the place and before they could reach there, I had left their hole for the forest, but before I could travel about one hundred yards in the forest, they had rushed out from their hole to inside the forest and I was still running away with the lady. As these Skulls were chasing me about in the forest, they were rolling on the ground like large stones and also humming with terrible noise, but when I saw that they had nearly caught me or if I continued to run away like that, no doubt, they would catch me sooner, then I changed the lady to a kitten and put her inside my pocket and changed myself to a very small bird which I could describe as a ‘sparrow’ in English language.

  After that I flew away, but as I was flying in the sky, the cowrie which was tied on that lady’s neck was still making a noise and I tried all my best to stop the noise, but all were in vain. When I reached home with the lady, I changed her to a lady as she was before and also myself changed to man as well. When her father saw that I brought his daughter back home, he was exceedingly glad and said thus: ‘You are the “Father of gods” as you had told me before.’

  But as the lady was now at home, the cowrie on her neck did not stop making a terrible noise once, and she could not talk to anybody; she showed only that she was very glad she was at home. Now I had brought the lady but she could not talk, eat or loose away the cowrie on her neck, because the terrible noise of the cowrie did not allow anybody to rest or sleep at all.

  There Remain Greater Tasks Ahead

  Now I began to cut the rope of the cowrie from her neck and to make her talk and eat, but all my efforts were in vain. At last I tried my best to cut off the rope of the cowrie; it only stopped the noise, but I was unable to loose it away from her neck.

  When her father saw all my trouble, he thanked me greatly and repeated again that as I called myself ‘Father of gods who could do anything in this world’ I ought to do the rest of the work. But when he said so, I was very ashamed and thought within myself that if I return to the Skulls’ hole or house, they might kill me and the forest was very dangerous travel always, again I could not go directly to the Skulls in their hole and ask them how to loose away the cowrie which was tied on the lady’s neck and to make her talk and eat.

  Back to the Skull’s Family’s House

  On the third day after I had brought the lady to her father’s house, I returned to the endless forest for further investigation. When there remained about one mile to reach the hole of these Skulls, there I saw the very Skull who the lady had followed from the market as a complete gentleman to the hole of Skull’s family’s house, and at the same time that I saw him like that, I changed into a lizard and climbed a tree which was near him.

  He stood before two plants, then he cut a single opposite leaf from the opposite plant; he held the leaf with his right hand and he was saying thus: ‘As this lady was taken from me, if this opposite leaf is not given her to eat, she will not talk for ever,’ after that he threw the leaf down on the ground. Then he cut another single compound leaf from the compound plant which was in the same place with the opposite plant, he held the compound leaf with his left hand and said that if this single compound is not given to this lady, to eat, the cowrie on her neck could not be loosened away for ever and it would be making a terrible noise for ever.

  After he said so, he threw the leaf down at the same spot, then he jumped away. So after he had jumped very far away (luckily, I was there when he was doing all these things, and I saw the place that he threw both leaves separately), then I changed myself to a man as before, I went to the place that he threw both leaves, then I picked them up and I went home at once.

  But at the same time that I reached home, I cooked both leaves separately and gave her to eat; to my surprise the lady began to talk at once. After that, I gave her the compound leaf to eat for the second time and immediately she ate that too, the cowrie which was tied on her neck by the Skull, loosened away by itself, but it disappeared at the same time. So when the father and mother saw the wonderful work which I had done for them, they brought fifty kegs of palm-wine for me, they gave me the lady as wife and two rooms in that house in which to live with them. So, I saved the lady from the complete gentleman in the market who afterwards reduced to a ‘Skull’ and the lady became my wife since that day. This was how I got a wife.

  ‘It’s a Good Life’

  Jerome Bixby

  Jerome Bixby (1923–1998) was an American short story and script writer who wrote four Star Trek episodes and helped write the story that became the classic sci-fi movie Fantastic Voyage (1966). He is most famous for the ‘It’s a Good Life’ (1953), also made into a Twilight Zone episode and included in Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983). The Science Fiction Writers of America named ‘It’s a Good Life’ one of the twenty finest science fiction stories ever written. References to the story have appeared in the Cartoon Network’s Johnny Bravo, Fox’s The Simpsons, and a Junot Diaz novel, among others. The story has an enduring creepiness and complexity undiluted by parodies and pop culture references over the years.

  Aunt Amy was out on the front porch, rocking back and for
th in the high-backed chair and fanning herself, when Bill Soames rode his bicycle up the road and stopped in front of the house.

  Perspiring under the afternoon ‘sun,’ Bill lifted the box of groceries out of the big basket over the front wheel of the bike, and came up the front walk.

  Little Anthony was sitting on the lawn, playing with a rat. He had caught the rat down in the basement – he had made it think that it smelled cheese, the most rich-smelling and crumbly-delicious cheese a rat had ever thought it smelled, and it had come out of its hole, and now Anthony had hold of it with his mind and was making it do tricks.

  When the rat saw Bill Soames coming, it tried to run, but Anthony thought at it, and it turned a flip-flop on the grass, and lay trembling, its eyes gleaming in small black terror.

  Bill Soames hurried past Anthony and reached the front steps, mumbling. He always mumbled when he came to the Fremont house, or passed by it, or even thought of it. Everybody did. They thought about silly things, things that didn’t mean very much, like two-and-two-is-four-and-twice-is-eight and so on; they tried to jumble up their thoughts to keep them skipping back and forth, so Anthony couldn’t read their minds. The mumbling helped. Because if Anthony got anything strong out of your thoughts, he might take a notion to do something about it – like curing your wife’s sick headaches or your kid’s mumps, or getting your old milk cow back on schedule, or fixing the privy. And while Anthony mightn’t actually mean any harm, he couldn’t be expected to have much notion of what was the right thing to do in such cases.

  That was if he liked you. He might try to help you, in his way. And that could be pretty horrible.

  If he didn’t like you…well, that could be worse.

  Bill Soames set the box of groceries on the porch railing and stopped his mumbling long enough to say, ‘Everythin’ you wanted, Miss Amy.’

  ‘Oh, fine, William,’ Amy Fremont said lightly. ‘My, ain’t it terrible hot today?’

  Bill Soames almost cringed. His eyes pleaded with her. He shook his head violently no, and then interrupted his mumbling again, though obviously he didn’t want to: ‘Oh, don’t say that, Miss Amy…it’s fine, just fine. A real good day!’

  Amy Fremont got up from the rocking chair, and came across the porch. She was a tall woman, thin, a smiling vacancy in her eyes. About a year ago, Anthony had gotten mad at her, because she’d told him he shouldn’t have turned the cat into a cat-rug, and although he had always obeyed her more than anyone else, which was hardly at all, this time he’d snapped at her. With his mind. And that had been the end of Amy Fremont’s bright eyes, and the end of Amy Fremont as everyone had known her. And that was when word got around in Peaksville (population: 46) that even the members of Anthony’s own family weren’t safe. After that, everyone was twice as careful.

  Someday Anthony might undo what he’d done to Aunt Amy. Anthony’s Mom and Pop hoped he would. When he was older, and maybe sorry. If it was possible, that is. Because Aunt Amy had changed a lot, and besides, now Anthony wouldn’t obey anyone.

  ‘Land alive, William,’ Aunt Amy said, ‘you don’t have to mumble like that. Anthony wouldn’t hurt you. My goodness, Anthony likes you!’ She raised her voice and called to Anthony, who had tired of the rat and was making it eat itself. ‘Don’t you, dear? Don’t you like Mr. Soames?’

  Anthony looked across the lawn at the grocery man – a bright, wet, purple gaze. He didn’t say anything. Bill Soames tried to smile at him. After a second Anthony returned his attention to the rat. It had already devoured its tail, or at least chewed it off – for Anthony had made it bite faster than it could swallow, and little pink and red furry pieces lay around it on the green grass. Now the rat was having trouble reaching its hindquarters.

  Mumbling silently, thinking of nothing in particular as hard as he could, Bill Soames went stiff-legged down the walk, mounted his bicycle and pedaled off.

  ‘We’ll see you tonight, William,’ Aunt Amy called after him.

  As Bill Soames pumped the pedals, he was wishing deep down that he could pump twice as fast, to get away from Anthony all the faster, and away from Aunt Amy, who sometimes just forgot how careful you had to be. And he shouldn’t have thought that. Because Anthony caught it. He caught the desire to get away from the Fremont house as if it was something bad, and his purple gaze blinked and he snapped a small, sulky thought after Bill Soames – just a small one, because he was in a good mood today, and besides, he liked Bill Soames, or at least didn’t dislike him, at least today. Bill Soames wanted to go away – so, petulantly, Anthony helped him.

  Pedaling with superhuman speed – or rather, appearing to, because in reality the bicycle was pedaling him – Bill Soames vanished down the road in a cloud of dust, his thin, terrified wail drifting back across the heat.

  Anthony looked at the rat. It had devoured half its belly, and had died from pain. He thought it into a grave out deep in the cornfield – his father had once said, smiling, that he might do that with the things he killed – and went around the houser, casting his odd shadow in the hot, brassy light from above.

  In the kitchen, Aunt Amy was unpacking the groceries. She put the Mason-jarred goods on the shelves, and the meat and milk in the icebox, and the beet sugar and coarse flour in the big cans under the sink. She put the cardboard box in the corner, by the door, for Mr. Soames to pick up next time he came. It was stained and battered and torn and worn fuzzy, but it was one of the few left in Peaksville. In faded red letters it said Campbell’s Soup. The last can of soup, or of anything else, had been eaten long ago, except for a small communal hoard which the villagers dipped into for special occasions – but the box lingered on, like a coffin, and when it and the other boxes were gone, the men would have to make some out of wood.

  Aunt Amy went out in back, where Anthony’s Mom – Aunt Amy’s sister – sat in the shade of the house, shelling peas. The peas, every time Mom ran a finger along the pod, went lollop-lollop-lollop into the pan in her lap.

  ‘William brought the groceries,’ Aunt Amy said. She sat down wearily in the straightbacked chair beside Mom, and began fanning herself again. She wasn’t really old, but ever since Anthony had snapped at her with his mind, something had been wrong with her body as well as her mind, and she was tired all the time.

  ‘Oh, good,’ said Mom. Lollop went the fat peas in the pan.

  Everybody in Peaksville always said ‘Oh, fine,’ or ‘Good,’ or ‘Say, that’s swell,’ when almost everything happened or was mentioned – even unhappy things like accidents or even deaths. They’d always say ‘Good,’ because if they didn’t try to cover up how they really felt, Anthony might overhear with his mind, and then nobody knew what might happen. Like the time Mrs. Kent’s husband, Sam, had come walking back from the graveyard because Anthony liked Mrs. Kent and had heard her mourning.

  Lollop.

  ‘Tonight’s television night,’ said Aunt Amy. ‘I’m glad I look forward to it so much every week. I wonder what we’ll see tonight?’

  ‘Did Bill bring the meat?’ asked Mom.

  ‘Yes.’ Aunt Amy fanned herself, looking up at the featureless brassy glare of the sky. ‘Goodness, it’s so hot. I wish Anthony would make it just a little cooler–’

  ‘Amy!’

  ‘Oh!’ Mom’s sharp tone had penetrated, where Bill Soames’s agonized expression had failed. Aunt Amy put one thin hand to her mouth in exaggerated alarm. ‘Oh…I’m sorry, dear.’ Her pale blue eyes shuttled around, right and left, to see if Anthony was in sight. Not that it would make any difference if he was or wasn’t – he didn’t have to be near you to know what you were thinking. Usually, though, unless he had his attention on somebody, he would be occupied with thoughts of his own.

  But some things attracted his attention – you could never be sure just what.

  ‘This weather’s just fine,’ Mom said.

  Lollop.

  ‘Oh, yes,’ Aunt Amy said. ‘It’s a wonderful day. I wouldn’t want it changed for the world!’
<
br />   Lollop.

  Lollop.

  ‘What time is it?’ Mom asked.

  Aunt Amy was sitting where she could see through the kitchen window to the alarm clock on the shelf above the stove. ‘Four-thirty,’ she said.

  Lollop.

  ‘I want tonight to be something special,’ Mom said. ‘Did Bill bring a good lean roast?’

  ‘Good and lean, dear. They butchered just today, you know, and sent us over the best piece.’

  ‘Dan Hollis will be so surprised when he finds out that tonight’s television party is a birthday party for him too!’

  ‘Oh I think he will! Are you sure nobody’s told him?’

  ‘Everybody swore they wouldn’t.’

  ‘That’ll be real nice,’ Aunt Amy nodded, looking off across the cornfield. ‘A birthday party.’