“What are you talking about? I didn’t invite her. But…”
Brooklyn narrowed her gaze. “But what, Mal?”
“I think Hunter might have.”
She blew out a breath. “Seriously?”
Mallory folded her arms. “I’ll throw her out if you want. Jessica, I mean. Not Hunter. I don’t think we’re allowed to throw Hunter out.”
Brooklyn straightened, tray in hand. “Of course we’re not throwing her out. Don’t be ridiculous. I’m fine. Did you hear me? Fine.”
“You look fine. Especially that crease right between your eyebrows. What’s the tray for?”
“The carrots need room.”
“I’m sorry. Room?”
“To do carrot things, Mallory. Don’t look at me like that!”
The music had shifted to “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” and people were singing the song to each other as Brooklyn returned to the vegetables. It should have been charming except that it wasn’t.
“Need any help?”
She raised her eyes to Jessica’s, and the room seemed to slow down around her. “No, I think I got it.” She straightened and offered a halfhearted smile. “Hi, by the way.”
“Hey. I hope it’s okay that I’m here. When the invitation arrived, I wasn’t sure it was the best idea.”
She shook her head, as if it were the most casual thing in the world. “Of course it’s okay.” She hadn’t seen Jessica in weeks, and the idea that she was standing in front of her now had her nerves in overdrive. And was she crazy, or did her face feel hot?
“I just wanted to come over here and say Merry Christmas.”
Brooklyn held her gaze for what felt like longer than casual. “You too. I mean that.”
Jessica nodded and turned to go. But it hadn’t been enough for Brooklyn, the exchange. She didn’t want Jessica to walk away again and laugh with Serena and smile at other people in the confines of this new world where they didn’t mean anything to each other. Yes, it was all her doing, and it was a good decision, but it still felt wrong. “Are you headed back to Boston for Christmas?”
Jessica paused when she heard Brooklyn ask her a question. She wanted to answer, but when she turned back, she found herself wildly distracted by the way Brooklyn’s hair fell just shy of her left eye and the glossy quality of her lip gloss. God, it was good to talk to her again, to see her again. The red sweaterdress and boots she wore might have been her best look yet. The dress seemed to have been made for her subtle curves and was perfect for a party like this.
But there was a question on the table, so she mentally shook herself out of it. “No, actually. My parents are taking a holiday cruise, and my brother and his wife are going along. I was invited, but the timing didn’t work out with things at the office.”
Brooklyn nodded. “So a West Village Christmas it is. How’s Ashton?”
Jessica smiled. “Having a blast with her dad in Vail. She’ll be back after the New Year. She texted me that the ski instructor’s hot, so I think she’s in teenage-girl heaven. What about you? How have you been?”
“Oh, you know. Okay. Staying busy. Keeping the pedestrians of New York on their toes.”
“I have no doubt about that.” There was so much more Jessica wanted to say, so much she wanted to know. But that sadly seemed out of bounds now. “Well, I’ll let you get back to your—”
“Carrots.” Brooklyn supplied absently as her eyes drifted down Jessica’s face, settling on her mouth. Was Jessica imagining it, or was she a little preoccupied herself? That was something, at least. That it was hard for her too.
“Right. Your carrots.”
“Have a good time, Jess.”
She backed away and flashed what she hoped was a good-natured smile. “Already happening. Your neighbor is friendly.”
Brooklyn’s eyes narrowed at the mention. “In that case, don’t have too much fun. I’m thinking of you when I say that.”
“So noted. And Brooklyn?”
“Yep?”
“The sweaterdress is a really good look.”
The song crossfaded to “All I Want For Christmas is You” as Jessica crossed back to the heart of the party. But she wasn’t very far in before Hunter was at her elbow.
“Jess! You made it.” She found herself pulled into a warm hug, which she happily returned. Hunter was wearing slim-fitting gray jeans and a dark-green top with a Santa hat, and was easily the coolest-looking one there.
“I did. It was nice to get the invitation.”
“Let me introduce you around.” With that, Savvy’s exotic beauty escorted her from group to group until she felt like she had a whole new slate of acquaintances. Hunter really did seem to know everyone in the entire world. And everyone seemed to love Hunter. It was an intriguing dynamic.
Time flew as she chatted with the artist who did studio work across the hall from Savvy, Mallory’s attorney, and Samantha’s accounting buddy. She took stock. She was out of her house and having an actual good time. Imagine that. Of course, she was noticeably aware of Brooklyn’s location in the room at any given point, and that was entirely distracting, but she was proud of herself for doing something social. It felt…nice.
“So how do you know Hunter?” Serena asked, popping up yet again. She’d somehow tailed her around the room with adept skill.
“We both work in advertising.”
“Truly? I have to tell you. I find the corporate world incredibly sexy. Brunettes too.”
Jessica raised an eyebrow. Serena clearly had an agenda and had no plans to go home alone that night. She tried to steer the conversation elsewhere. “What is it that you do?”
“I’m a masseur. I have fantastic hands.” She wiggled her fingers. “You should set up an appointment. I can work wonders on a body like yours, the motivation being so high and all.”
Brooklyn watched from across the room as Serena stepped into Jessica’s space and ran a slow hand up her arm. She noticed then that she was clenching her jaw. She was really starting to dislike that Serena girl. No more small talk in the elevator for her.
Hunter handed Brooklyn a glass of champagne. “Looks like Serena has a new project. You can’t blame her. Actually, everyone I’ve introduced Jessica to has taken a noticeable interest in her. So you’re welcome. You’re off the hook.”
“Best news of the night.” A total lie. She hated every moment of it. She’d never thought of herself as a jealous person before, but that had been a mistake because she definitely was. The most jealous, in fact, and that just angered her further. She turned to face Hunter. “Thanks for the heads-up that she’d be here, by the way.”
“I didn’t know myself. From what I hear, Samantha’s the one to blame. She invited her.”
Brooklyn glared as her annoyance bubbled over. “Okay. Enough of the games. The pointing fingers. I’m calling a meeting in the kitchen in three minutes.”
“You can’t call a meeting during a party.”
“Can too. Doing it. Party-meeting in the kitchen.”
Hunter sighed and skulked her way there. Brooklyn took a lap and wrangled the other two, herding them into the kitchen like reluctant sheep. The room was open to the party but still private enough to give them a minute.
Once they were assembled, she surveyed the lineup. Three overly innocent faces stood there, blinking back at her.
“I’ve never heard of a party-meeting before,” Sam murmured to Mallory.
“That’s because she made it up,” Mallory whispered back.
“Well, it’s a thing now, okay?” Brooklyn shot. “And don’t stand there looking so innocent. You’re a meddlesome group of girls, and you know it.”
Hunter squinted one eye. “What are you getting at, Brooks? I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re confused on what you’re upset about.”
She rolled her eyes. She had to hand it to them. They’d perfected the art of playing dumb. “Who invited Jessica?” They looked at each other helplessly, no one saying a word. “Exactl
y. Suddenly everyone’s very quiet. Listen, I get that you thought you were doing what’s best for me, but only I know what’s best for me.”
Mallory took the initiative. “You’ve just been so sad lately. And we only wanted to see you get the spark back. We invited Jessica because we thought if you saw her again, in person, that maybe the Christmas spirit would—”
“Make me realize I made a horrible mistake? “
“Well, yeah,” Sam said. “Because I think maybe it was.”
Brooklyn’s frustration tripled. “Well, that’s not going to happen. I ended things with Jessica because it was the right thing, not a mistake. And of course I want her to be happy, but not at my Christmas party, do you get that? I don’t want her a part of my life.”
“It’s not a problem. I’ll go.”
They turned at the sound of the voice. Jessica stood a few feet away at the counter, empty plate in hand. “You were out of cookies,” she said quietly. “I was just going to refresh the tray.” She placed the large plate on the counter and headed off, as Brooklyn’s stomach dropped reflexively.
“Shit. I’ll go after her,” Mallory said warily. “This is our fault.”
“No,” Brooklyn said, holding up a hand. “I did this. I’ll go.”
But she wasn’t fast enough, and Jessica beat her to the elevator. The look on her face when Brooklyn had turned around to see her there replayed itself in her head on some kind of horrible loop as she took the stairs two at a time. Her heart was beating out of her chest, and her emotions refused to settle. She didn’t know what she’d say to Jessica, but she couldn’t leave things this way. When she hit the bottom step in the lobby, she caught sight of her as she turned left out of the building. Brooklyn was on the sidewalk in no time.
“Jess, wait!” she called. But she didn’t. She continued walking, which only made Brooklyn feel that more helpless and out of control. “Please, Jessica. Just talk to me for a minute.” She’d raced outside without a coat and the cold air accosted her skin immediately, but she didn’t care. The only thing she cared about was the way she’d just made Jessica feel, and she couldn’t live with it. She doubled her pace, catching up to Jessica, who shot her a sideways glance as she walked.
“You don’t have a coat on. You’re going to freeze.”
“I’ll live. Will you talk to me for a minute?”
“Go back to the party, Brooklyn. It’s fine. I shouldn’t have come.”
With a final step, she passed Jessica and turned around in front of her, stopping her progress. “This is not your fault, and I’m sorry you heard that.”
“Don’t be. I probably needed to. You meant what you said, and you’re entitled to your feelings. You don’t want me around. I get that. I’m leaving. See? So what is it that you want?”
Brooklyn covered her eyes with her hand. “It’s not that I don’t want you around. It’s that I do. And that’s the problem and that’s why I need space. So I’ll stop the wanting.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.” Jessica sidestepped Brooklyn and continued walking.
“It does to me,” Brooklyn said, suddenly desperate to make Jessica understand. She needed her to understand or she couldn’t move forward. “I think about you all the time.” Jessica paused a moment and then turned back, listening. “I wonder what you’re doing—if you’re working late. Or if you’ve remembered to take time for yourself. I wonder if you’re sitting on your balcony staring out at the lights reflecting off the Hudson. If you’re thinking of me. I’m trying to find a way not to do that anymore, and seeing you tonight just makes me miss you that much more, okay? And I can’t do that anymore. I have to stop doing that. Do you understand? I can’t. So you have to—”
“Why?” Jessica shot.
“I just explained why.”
Jessica aggressively closed the distance between them on the sidewalk. “Why do you feel those things?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.” Jessica had a fire in her eyes. “Answer the question.”
“What’s the point?” she said helplessly.
“That’s not an answer.”
“It’s all I have.”
“Try again. Why do you think about me?”
The words were coming so fast. Brooklyn shook her head as the tears threatened, but her walls were crumbling. “I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. For once in your life, Brook, take a risk and say it.”
“No.”
“Why do you miss me? Say it.”
“Because I love you.” The words were out of her mouth before she could tamp them down. She closed her eyes momentarily and blew out a breath at her own visceral reaction to hearing them out loud. “Is that what you wanted to hear? It’s true. I love you more than I ever thought possible, okay? But that doesn’t change who I am. What I’m capable of taking on.”
As Jessica stared back at her, her eyes brimmed with tears. Brooklyn had never seen Jessica cry, and it sliced through her now. She dropped both hands in defeat. “Then I guess there’s nothing left to say. Merry Christmas, Brooklyn. I hope you get everything you want.”
Brooklyn stood there, rooted to her spot, as she watched Jessica walk away from her into the night. She wrapped her arms around herself and went slowly back to the party.
Inside, people smiled, laughed, and carried on with their friends. How easy it looked for them. Brooklyn played her role, dancing and toasting and singing with her friends to the music, but inside something had come loose and she couldn’t quite get it back in place.
Chapter Twenty-three
Jessica took a step back from the Christmas tree in her living room and admired her work. Oh, but wait. She stepped forward again and turned the Frosty the Snowman ornament so he faced the front. An important touch.
The decorated tree was actually quite beautiful. White lights, simple ornaments, and even a star on top for good measure. Not bad, if she did say so herself.
It was Christmas Eve, and Jessica was slowly slipping into a semblance of holiday spirit. She’d been late decorating because she just couldn’t get herself excited about the holidays. But you know what? That had been stupid and unfair to herself. No, things weren’t the way she wanted them to be, but she had to find a way to make life manageable again. One of the things Brooklyn had taught her in all of this was that it was important to find beauty in the little things. And she was right.
So she was trying.
She’d had to pull a few rather expensive strings to have a last-minute tree delivered on Christmas Eve, but she’d done it. And now here it was in her living room, twinkling brightly back at her. There was hot cider on the stove, and Pandora had her favorite Christmas songs on a rotation. She was determined to enjoy this thing if it killed her. And it’s not like it had all been on her own. Bentley had taken her out to a nice early dinner before heading to his parents’ house. The two of them had toasted their friendship and the success of the year they’d shared together.
Now, she’d have a quiet evening to herself, maybe snuggle up with a good book, a luxury she rarely took time for. And tomorrow, she’d go to her cousin Jenna’s place for the Christmas dinner her girlfriend was preparing. Adrienne was a fantastic chef and would pull out all the stops to make the day an impressive one.
Not exactly her perfect Christmas, but not so bad either.
*
It was the worst possible time for the elevator to break. Seriously. Dragging her giant suitcase down what felt like fifty thousand flights of stairs was so not on Brooklyn’s list of things to do on her time off for the holidays. On floor five thousand and fifty-three, she paused and turned to Samantha.
“Just how badly did you want to spend Christmas with your family? Because I’m thinking we may never get out of this stairwell. Christmas in a stairwell. How does that sound? I think I have trail mix in my bag. Could be festive.”
Sam seemed to be having a worse time of it, however, as she lugged her oversized bag one step at a time. “A
t least you work out. I may die from this, do you understand? Death by suitcase is imminent. Remind me again why I felt the need to pack every outfit I own? I don’t need to be cute for my family. They have to like me. It’s in the rulebook.”
“Exactly. Plus, you’re naturally precious. We all know this. Now channel your inner Jillian Michaels and let’s do this.”
But to be honest, the words were meant just as much for herself as Samantha. Brooklyn was having second thoughts about their trip to Maine this year. She loved Sam’s family and they always made her feel so welcome, but something was holding her back. And she knew exactly what it was.
Her heart was in New York.
Though she tried to push past it, it was like this little knocking sound in the back of her head that wouldn’t let up. It felt like she was teetering on the brink of something big.
With an exaggerated sigh, Sam grabbed her bag and tackled the final flight of stairs. When they finally reached the bottom step and headed out into the fresh cold, Brooklyn turned to Sam. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
Sam tilted her head in contemplation. “What are you talking about? We just did it. Rock stars. Both of us.”
“I meant the trip to Maine. I don’t know if I can go this year.”
Sam blinked back at her. “But it’s our tradition.”
“Right. I know, and I’d hate to miss your mother’s Christmas turkey. It’s the highlight of my year, but I think I need to spend Christmas in the city.”
“No. Uh-uh. Absolutely not. You’re not staying here alone. The holidays are important, and you need to spend them with the people you love.”
Brooklyn felt the slow smile take shape and grow as she recalled the words she’d spoken on this very sidewalk just a few nights ago. “Yeah. I think that’s what I’m gonna try to do.”
As understanding hit, Sam’s eyes widened in delight. “Does that mean what I think it means?”
“I need to get her back, Sam. I don’t know if she’s still speaking to me, but I need to put myself out there. My mom offered me some advice that—”
Kiss the Girl Page 31
