“Now, Shar,” Marlene began, “You know that it is my fondest wish that I would live to see you married off and having babies. But after you left home and I read some of your letters about how so many people became overjoyed after you led one of them songs, I came to believe in your father’s dream for you. Things might not have turned out so good on the tour, but I feel it,” Marlene gripped her stomach, “way down deep in my soul. God’s got something good in store for you, chile. So, don’t be so quick to give up on your dreams. Them dreams of yours and your daddy’s is the only thing we got worth holding onto in this world.”
Tears sprang up and seeped down Shar’s face. Her mother’s words meant everything to her. As long as Shar could remember her mother had been trying to stifle any and all thoughts of singing because she wanted Shar to focus on becoming a good wife to a man who’d be able to provide her with a good living. But now her mother believed in her dream. The irony of the situation was that Shar no longer believed in it. “The songs just don’t feel the same to me no more.”
“What this world done to you, Shar? When you gon’ be ready to tell your mama so I can help you?”
Shar would never tell her mama what she did to earn the money for her care. Her mama would blame herself, and Shar couldn’t have that. She turned, heading out of her parent’s bedroom. “Let me see if I can rustle up some plastic so I can get started with putting it on the windows.”
“Shar Gracey, if you get on that ladder, I swear to God, I’m gon’ come out there and skin you alive,” Johnny said, his voice gaining strength.
“But Daddy, how you gon’ get out of that bed and chase me around this house when you can barely lift your head as it is?”
“I’ll do it. I swear I will. Even if it kills me, I promise that I’ll get you down off that ladder before you wind up killing yourself.” Johnny harrumphed.
Shar knew her daddy was stubborn enough to do just what he said. She would not be responsible for killing him. She threw up her hands. “All I’m trying to do is help around this house. If you won’t let me help with the windows then what do you want me to do?”
“I want you to go to that church and talk to Pastor Landon.”
“Daddy, I already told you why I can’t do that.”
“And another thing,” Johnny began as his eyes filled with tears. “I want you to sing in that choir. And if you do, I’ll be sitting in the front row cheering you on.”
Marlene’s mouth hung open. She swiveled around to face her husband. “I don’t believe it. In all the years we’ve been married, you ain’t never once stepped foot inside the church.”
“If Shar agrees to sing in that choir, I promise you, Marlene, I’ll go to that church for the rest of my days. I’m the reason she went on that tour, and I’m to blame for the reason she don’t want to sing no more. I just pray that God forgives me for what I done to our child.”
Everybody in the room was crying now. Shar knew how it pained her mother to go to church without her husband. So many of the saints would inquire about his whereabouts and her mama would just say, “The good Lord knows what he’s doing with my husband. So, I’m not gon’ get in the way.” How could she deny them now? Shar opened her mouth to tell her mama about what she’d done. Her daddy already knew she had been singing down at Ray’s place. But she’d made him swear he wouldn’t tell her mama.
Her mama was so proud of her, and it was clear to see that she loved her more than life itself. She didn’t want her mama thinking less of her. She also didn’t want to defy her father just because she was embarrassed to face Landon. Maybe she could go down to the church and do just as her daddy suggested without even so much as bringing up the choir. Landon was a good man and if he knew that the drafty windows was stopping Marlene from healing as well as she should be, Shar had no doubt he would help.
She was about to tell her parents her decision, when there was a knock at the front door. “I’ll get it,” Shar said as she headed toward the living room.
Mr. Cordey Turner, the landlord, and Mr. Raymond Johnson, Nettie’s daddy, was both standing on her porch at the same time. Shar was surprised to see the two men together because she had no clue that they even knew each other. She opened the door and stepped back so they could come into the house and get out of the windy cold of this late October day.
“Good day to you, gentlemen. To what do we owe for the privilege of having our state representative and our landlord come visit?”
Both men took their hats off, then Raymond said, “We’re mighty sorry to trouble you, Miss Shar, especially since your parents are ailing.”
“Who’s at the door, Shar?” Marlene hollered from the bedroom.
“It’s the landlord, Mama. And Mr. Johnson.”
Marlene got out of bed and came into the living room. “How are you doing, Mr. Turner . . . Mr. Johnson?”
“Good day to you, Marlene,” Cordey said. “We didn’t mean to get you out of bed.”
“Just tell me what you gentlemen are here for, so I can go back to resting.”
Cordey fidgeted, looked at the floor, and then said, “I’m here about the rent. I haven’t received full payment for this month, and I’m just hoping that I can collect today.”
Marlene lifted her hands wide as she tried to explain. “We don’t have it. Me and Johnny been in and out of the hospital this month, and we just barely keeping food in the house.”
“You understand my situation though, don’t you?” Cordey asked.
“I just started down at the beauty parlor last week. I’ll be able to get the rent to you sometime next month if you can just be patient with us,” Shar assured him.
“I appreciate that you would cover the payment for your parents, Shar. But I need the money today or I’ll have to evict you all.”
Shar couldn’t believe what she was hearing. The house they were staying in was barely habitable. Her mother stayed sick in here, and Mr. Turner did nothing about the draft. Now that some of the church folks came and helped them with the house he wanted to throw them out. This just wasn’t fair.
Raymond patted his chest and then cleared his throat before speaking. “The reason I came here with Mr. Turner is that I believe I can help you all out.”
“And how is that?” Marlene asked, looking at Raymond Johnson as if he was a snake in the grass worse than the one standing next to him.
“I might be able to scrape up enough money to get your rent paid. But if I can, I’ll need you all to do something for me.”
“Nothing ain’t never free when it comes to dealing with you, Raymond Johnson,” Marlene said.
“Now come on, Mrs. Marlene. I’ve never done you a bad turn. I’m here to help.” Raymond looked from Marlene to Shar. When neither woman said anything, he put his hat back on and said, “Well, don’t say I didn’t try to keep you out of the cold this winter.” He began walking toward the door.
“What’s going on in there?” Johnny asked.
“I’ll tell you about it in a minute, Johnny. Now get some rest and let me handle things for a little while.” Marlene turned back to Raymond and said, “Wait, don’t go. Just tell us what you want.”
Raymond turned back around, took his hat off again. “I just want Shar to sing in this fund-raiser that Pastor Landon and my daughter are putting together. That shouldn’t be a problem, right?”
Marlene turned to Shar. Shar looked into her mother’s eyes and saw the need in them. This house was old and rickety, but they still didn’t want to be living on the streets in the coming winter. “Shouldn’t be a problem at all, Mr. Johnson,” Shar said out loud. Inwardly she was dreading the conversation that she would now need to have with Landon and her parents. It’s just like they always say, what’s done in the dark will come out in the light. Shar only prayed that there’d be some forgiveness in the light that was about to shine down on her.
28
Taking her normal path to church, Shar was weighed down with thoughts of obligations and deceit. She wanted
so badly to help her parents, and she was tired of deceiving everyone around her. It was time for her to tell the truth and shame the devil.
When she reached the church, Nettie was seated at her desk looking at her with malice in her eyes. “So, my father spoke the truth I see.”
Ignoring her, Shar said, “Can I speak with Pastor Landon please?”
“You don’t have to admit it to me, but I know that you don’t really want to help the people in this community. You’re only here so that you can help your own family.” Nettie was almost snarling as she finished her statement.
“I’ll knock on the door to see if Pastor Landon has time for me,” Shar said as she stepped away from Nettie’s desk and headed toward Landon’s office. Nettie was always so hateful to her. Shar never understood why Nettie acted as if the devil himself had jumped into her body whenever she was around. Nettie’s parents had money and influence, and they could give her just about anything she wanted. Shar had nothing, so she saw no reason for Nettie to waste her time hating her.
Nettie jumped up from her seat and beat a path to Landon’s door. She stood in front of it, barring Shar from coming any closer. “I will tell Pastor Landon that you are here. Just because you’ve traveled with some fancy choir, that doesn’t give you the right to come in here and go against the office protocol that we have set in place.”
Not wanting to be out of order in God’s house, Shar stepped back and waited.
Nettie knocked on the door. When Landon invited her in, she opened his door, went in, and closed the door behind her. It took several minutes, but when Nettie finally opened the door, she told Shar, “Pastor Landon has a few minutes for you.”
Shar wanted to thank Nettie for doing her job, but she didn’t think anything charitable would come out of her mouth if she said something to her, so she walked past the woman.
Landon stood up and walked around his desk to greet Shar. “How are you doing, Shar? Is everything okay at home?”
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about among other things, but if you’re busy, I can come back at another time,” she said since Nettie was still hugging the door and watching them like a hawk.
“Thank you, Nettie. Can you close the door behind you?” Landon directed Shar to the small sofa in his office. “Have a seat,” he told Shar as Nettie closed the door. Shar sat down, and then Landon asked, “Now, what’s troubling you?”
Shar gathered the courage she needed to tell Landon every bit of truth as she knew it. She took a deep breath and began. “I wasn’t actually telling the truth when I said I was too busy to help with the choir fund-raiser.”
Landon was silent, listening and giving her the time she needed to say all that was in her heart.
“Truth is, singing for God just don’t feel the same no more. After singing in them nightclubs I just don’t feel worthy.”
Landon shook his head to that. “God loves you, Shar. He hasn’t left you. He’ll always be there to lead you back home.”
“Tell that to my voice. One night after singing in a nightclub, someone hit me over the head and left me to drown in a puddle of rain. My voice hasn’t held the same anointing since. Like maybe God has decided He don’t want me in gospel choirs no more.”
The look on his face said it all. Landon was just as devastated as Shar by the news. “I’m so sorry that something like that happened to you.”
She came to tell it all, not just to receive sympathy and act like a victim that had done no wrong. “I can’t rightly say that the only reason the anointing left my voice is because of some bandit on the street. I didn’t do right by God while I was on the road, and now I’m paying for it by not being able to use my voice to glorify Him anymore.”
Landon put his hand in Shar’s as he said, “I don’t believe that. Not in a million years would I ever believe that a voice as angelic as yours would lose it’s anointing. I don’t believe that God would take your anointing to sing His praises like no one I’ve ever heard, simply because of a few youthful indiscretions.”
“But you don’t know everything I’ve done,” Shar blurted out.
“No, I don’t, but I’m right here if you want to tell me,” he said patiently.
Shar covered her face with her hands. “I’m just so ashamed of myself.”
Compassion filled Landon’s face as he watched Shar begin to fall apart before his very eyes. “You won’t find any condemnation in this office. The Bible tells us that all have sinned and come short of God’s glory. So, whatever happened, I guarantee you that it already happened to others before you. And God done already figured out a way to forgive the doing of it.”
When she dropped her hands, tears were streaming down her face. Landon wiped them away with the back of his hand. “You are so good to me,” Shar said as more tears came. “And I surely don’t deserve your kindness.”
“You’re too hard on yourself, Shar.”
She shook her head. “No, I’m not hard enough on myself, or I would have never lied to you when you visited me at that church a while back.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I was just so angry with you for never returning any of my letters. I had been going through so much while I was on the road, and crying out to you the whole while. But you stopped responding.” Landon handed her some tissue, and she blew her nose and continued. “Anyway, Nicoli wasn’t exactly telling the truth when he told you that we were engaged. I could have said something right then and there, but I was glad he’d said it because I wanted you to know that I wasn’t waiting idly by for a letter from you anymore.”
“Shar, I already told you that I sent you several letters. My heart was bleeding for your situation, but at the same time I was making progress on the housing project and couldn’t leave town to come see you when I wanted to.” Landon hesitated, appearing to be second-guessing himself. “I don’t know . . . maybe I made the wrong decision. But you must believe me, Shar, my delayed response was not because I didn’t care what was troubling you.”
“I know that you said you wrote letters, but I stopped receiving them. Anyway, that wasn’t what I came here to talk to you about.” Shar gathered all of her strength and began to tell Landon the story of her ruining. “Once I allowed Nicoli to tell that lie, it seemed like everything just began to go wrong. We did become engaged. But Nicoli was a drinker and a gambler. He kept getting into trouble, so Mr. Dorsey ended up firing him.
“Then he got in trouble with this nightclub owner that he owed a boat load of money to. They beat him up real bad, and then they said that they’d forgive his debt if I would agree to sing in that nightclub.”
“Oh, Shar, no.” Landon closed his eyes, clearly pained by what he was hearing. “A voice like yours comes along once, maybe twice in a generation. It’s a voice that has been cultivated for the praises of God.”
Nodding, Shar said, “I tried telling Nicoli that I wasn’t meant to sing any of that old secular music that he wanted me to sing in order to make more money.” She turned away from Landon, unable to watch his face as she told the rest. “Nicoli wouldn’t listen, so he got himself into a jam that I had to get him out of.”
Landon turned her back to face him. “It’s okay, Shar. You obviously made it out of there because you’re here with me now. And if you have asked for forgiveness for going astray, you just got to believe that God has forgiven you.”
Looking like a woman without a friend in the world, Shar said, “I’m terrified that if I get back in the choir and try to sing, everyone will know that the spirit of God has left me, just like that message you preached about God’s spirit leaving King Saul.” She hung her head low as she closed her mouth and waited for the condemnation that was sure to come. She might as well have gone to Paris and flaunted herself all around like Josephine Baker. At least she would have earned enough money to get her mother and father into a decent house . . . one they could afford and one that wouldn’t keep them sick.
“Shar, don’t you know that
God is married to the backslider. He is always willing and ready to lift us back into his arms.”
“But I never wanted to be one of those singers who can sing gospel one minute and then turn around and sing the blues the next.”
“Then from this moment on, don’t be that kind of singer. If you truly believe that God has called you to sing gospel music, then it’s time to forgive yourself and move forward.” He stood up and paced the floor, searching for the exact words. When Landon turned back to her, he said, “Don’t you see, Shar? This fund-raiser is your chance to use your God-given gift to help colored people gain some dignity. Now if the Lord don’t place His anointing on that, then I just don’t know why He wouldn’t.”
Hesitantly, Shar asked, “And you still want me to sing in the choir, even after everything I just told you?”
He rushed back over to the sofa and took her hands in his. “Of course I want you back in the choir. I can’t wait for you to come back.”
Shar had been holding her breath, waiting for Landon’s answer. “I’m so glad you feel that way because Mr. Johnson said he’d stop the landlord from evicting us from our home if I changed my mind about singing for the fund-raiser. But I didn’t want to join back up with the choir without letting you know what happened to me.”
“Wait a minute, hold on.” Landon waved his hands in front of his chest. “Are you telling me that somebody threatened you concerning this fund-raiser?”
Shar shook her head. “Mr. Johnson didn’t threaten us. He came to the house with Mr. Cordey. When Mr. Johnson found out that we didn’t have the money to make the rent for this month, he offered to pay it for us as long as I agree to sing.”
Landon’s fist balled as anger overtook him. “I should have known not to trust that man when he offered to help us raise the money we need. Raymond Johnson doesn’t do anything unless it benefits him.”
She stood and put her hand on Landon’s shoulder. “Don’t be angry. If Mr. Johnson hadn’t offered to lend a helping hand I don’t know what we would have done when Mr. Cordey came knocking on our door.”
How Sweet the Sound Page 21
