Almost Free

by Lisa Helen Gray

  It’s brilliant.

  Dangling from the ceiling above my bed, they’ve fitted different sized and coloured dreamcatchers, knowing how bad my nightmares can be. I love them and often fall asleep watching them sway.

  I have a new dresser, new sheets, and other little gadgets they thought I’d love, and I do. What they did was amazing and so thoughtful I cried for a solid twenty minutes. Mark didn’t know what to do, but luckily Levi and Banner had already seen it coming and got out a tub of Ben and Jerry’s.

  I snap back to the present when I walk into the living area, surprised to see all three ready to go out and waiting for me.

  I look between them, puzzled. “Are you going out?” I ask Mark, glancing at the time. They said they were staying in and watching their soaps tonight.

  “No. We’re coming to dinner with you guys before you head to class.”

  My eyes find Banner’s, silently questioning him if it’s okay. He smiles. “I asked if they wanted to tag along. Hope that’s okay?”

  “No, he didn’t,” Levi grunts. “Mark wanted to spend time with you and accused Banner of occupying all of your time.”

  I repress the smile tugging at my lips and look to Mark, raising my eyebrow. “That true?”

  He shifts on his feet, glaring at Levi. “Yes,” he whispers harshly. “But in my defence, I feel like he’s taking too much of your time. It’s only fair he shares.”

  “Sharing is caring,” Banner adds, looking like he’s trying not to laugh.

  I duck my head before looking up at Mark. “Did you cause bodily harm?” I ask, even though I don’t see any bruises on Banner, but you never know what’s hidden under the clothes.

  Banner laughs, looking at Mark. “Dude, she knows you well,” he tells him, not intimidated by Mark’s glare, before turning back to me. “And no, he didn’t touch me. But he did threaten to feed me my balls if I hurt you.”

  I roll my eyes, pulling my bag over my shoulder. “Well, when you’re done being boys, can we go eat? I’m starving.”

  I look away, trying not to blush at Mark treating us like we’re a couple. Call me crazy, but it’s nice knowing someone can see us together. Whenever Banner and I have been in public before, I don’t even get a second glance, like I’m not good enough to be with him.

  “Yeah, but before we go, this got forwarded to here,” Levi tells me, handing me a stack of post tied in a bow.

  “My parents probably forwarded them here, I’m sure,” I tell them, not looking anyone in the eye.

  I let my bag fall off my shoulder and dump them inside. I’ll deal with them later. I’m surprised my parents even bothered to send them. They’re most likely junk mail. Or it could be their way of getting in a dig. Send the girl her mail, remind her we don’t care she’s gone.

  When I glance up, Banner is eyeing my bag warily, so I lift it back on my shoulder and paste on a fake smile. I can tell he’s come to the same conclusion as me, his jaw clenched and eyes tight.

  “Right, let’s go,” I force out cheerfully.

  *** *** ***

  The pub Banner takes us to is busy. A girl’s twenty-first birthday is getting rowdy, and more and more people keep turning up, even after her parents and other relatives leave.

  I shift in my seat, wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans, trying not to look around.

  Banner sits up straighter, and I turn to find him watching me. He grimaces, his expression filled with apology.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve come here plenty of times with Mum and Dad when they come up, and it’s never been busy. It’s not big enough to be busy.”

  I wave him off. “It’s fine. I’ll deal. And I have to be in class soon.”

  More people file through the door, shouting their greetings to their friends, and I have to fight the urge to jump up from my seat and run out.

  “No, it’s not. You’ve gone pale as a ghost and look like you’re about to vomit or pass out. I’m not sure,” Banner says, sounding worried.

  “He’s right. Let’s skip dessert and get out of here,” Mark says.

  “But it’s my favourite part,” I whine. A small group of the party head our way, banging into our chairs and making it hard for me to breathe. “Yeah, I can go without dessert.”

  I get up, trying to calm my breathing, and grab my bag from under the table.

  “I’ll get her to class and pay you guys later. That okay?” I hear Banner ask, though it sounds fuzzy.

  “You go ahead, dinner is on us. Let us know when she calms down,” Levi comments.

  Banner takes my hand, pulling me close to him as he maneuverers us out of the bar. As soon as the doors cancel out the sound from inside, I begin to relax, lifting my face up to the cold night air.

  “So much better,” I gasp out.

  “Did you want to catch a taxi or walk it?”

  Taxi means less time with him“Walk,” I tell him, not caring that it’s freezing tonight.

  “Can I ask you something?” he asks as he wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me against his chest.

  “You can ask me anything.”

  He gulps, looking unsure, which makes me nervous. “Have you heard from your parents since you left?”

  I don’t really like talking about my parents. They’ve always been a sore subject. Even before Lara died, they treated me differently. Lara was the planned baby. And I was the surprise baby they didn’t see coming, or even want, born eleven months after Lara.

  From as early as I can remember, they’ve always reprimanded me for every little thing I did, whereas Lara could do no wrong. Lara was the wild child, always out with friends and getting into some sort of trouble. Me? I got good grades, was in by curfew, and never got into trouble. Yet, they still treated me like I was a nuisance.

  “No, although I knew they wouldn’t contact me before I left. I was ready for it. In a way, I’m glad. I needed a break from them. I already feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I don’t feel as tense.”

  He scrubs a hand over his face when we stop at a set of traffic lights, waiting for the little man to turn green.

  “I just don’t get them. They have a great daughter, an amazing daughter, yet they treat you like this.” He pauses, before inhaling. “And not to sound insensitive, but you’d think after losing one child, they’d want to be closer to the one they do have.”

  Even though it hurts to hear, it’s nothing I haven’t said to myself. “That’s my parents for you. I’m used to their behaviour, but after Lara died, it got worse. She was always the buffer between us. She would somehow always be able to steer their attention away from me with stories. She would tell them what she got up to, what she got in trouble for that day, or after school clubs she joined. They wouldn’t even shout at her.”

  “They are pretty cold people. I’m sorry to bring it up. I was just hoping they would change their minds once you were gone, but then I saw the mail. It’s fucked up.”

  I force a laugh. “Banner, I’ve been competing for my parents’ attention for years and never got it. I don’t know why I seek their approval or want them to love me the way they love—loved, Lara. After she died, I stopped caring. That part inside of me that held on to hope died the day of Lara’s funeral, when they wouldn’t let me wear Lara’s favourite dress.”

  We reach the university and make our way down the path that leads to the English buildings. “Sorry, but your parents are fucking wankers,” he says vehemently.

  I giggle, stopping in the middle of the courtyard outside the English building. “That they are.”

  He smiles, but I can tell it’s strained. “I’ve got no classes tomorrow; did you want to meet up?”

  Hell yes. Although we’ve spent time together since he got back from his away game, it’s been for small amounts of time since we’re both busy.

  Oh crap!

  “I have to meet with Jordan, the girl who showed me around, about one. You okay to meet up after?”

  He grins. “A lie i
n for me. Score!”

  I shake my head at his antics, forgetting how much he hates early mornings. “Okie doke.”

  We say our goodbyes before I go into the English building, heading towards Mr. Flint’s class. A couple of girls sit in the hallway, reading over some papers. I walk past them, heading right into the classroom, cringing when I find I’m the only one here.

  I walk to the back of the classroom, away from prying eyes and so that I’m facing the room. I can’t stand people sitting behind me, it makes me feel nervous and anxious.

  Unzipping my bag, I grab my books and notebook. My gaze snags on the letters and reluctantly, I pull them out. I untie the bow, flicking through my mail.

  “All junk,” I whisper, my eyes scanning over them. One catches my eye, and my entire body freezes.

  It’s from a prison.

  The only person I know who’s in prison is Darren.

  I feel the blood drain from my face and I shove the letters back into my bag, needing to get out of here.

  I can’t breathe.

  “Emma, you’re here early. What a pleasant surprise.” The deep voice startles me. I glance up, grimacing when Mr. Flint walks up the aisle towards me.

  I really don’t like him, but he’s my teacher. No one particularly likes all their teachers. It’s what I keep telling myself, anyway.

  “Um, actually, I’m just leaving. I’m not feeling too good,” I whisper, putting my book back in my bag.

  His eyes rake over me and I fidget in my seat. He steps closer, kneeling down next to me and putting his hand on my back. He’s blocking me in. Whether he’s done it intentionally, I don’t know, but I feel uneasy. I tense, feeling my entire body go ridged. He rubs his hand up and down my back, and bile rises in my throat.

  “What’s wrong? Maybe I can make you feel better,” he says, but the way he said the last part sends a shiver up my spine.

  I look at him, swallowing bile down and taking a deep breath. “I’d really like to go, if that’s okay.”

  “It’s your second lesson; do you really want to miss it?” he asks tightly, his hand dipping lower, nearly touching the top of my arse. I jump, a scream bubbling up my throat, but I swallow it down.

  I begin to shake as I stand, causing Mr. Flint to step back, getting to his feet. He towers over me, his presence making me anxious. I move out into the aisle, shuddering when he purposely lets my body brush his, even though he could have stepped back.

  “I really do have to go. If you can have someone write notes for me, I’ll make sure to catch up with the work,” I tell him shortly but quickly.

  He grabs my arms, causing me stumble. He moves quicker than I can blink, holding onto my hips to steady me. I flinch, trying to move away, but he tightens his grip.

  “Why don’t you meet me here tomorrow night? I’ll be happy to go over today’s lesson,” he says, leaning in too close for my liking.

  When I move this time, he lets me go. I face him, trying my hardest to stop trembling. “I’m really sorry, but I can’t. I really do have to go,” I rush out, and move quickly to the door.

  “I’ll see you soon then, Emma,” he says, amusement in his voice. I pause at the door, nodding tightly, trying to hold back tears.

  I don’t look back as I leave, needing out of here more than I did before. It’s raining when I wobble through the exit doors. I blink up at the sky, letting the rain soak me for a few moments, just needing that feeling of peace.

  When I glance around the lot, ignoring the stares of other students as they passmost likely thinking I’m insaneI notice Banner leaning against a tree and talking on the phone.

  He can’t see me like this. With one look, he’ll know something is wrong, and right now, I need to process what happened, then figure out what I’m going to do about the letter in my bag.

  Since he hasn’t noticed me, I move to the side, taking the long way around the building.

  When I look back, he’s still on the phone, and I pray he doesn’t wait around for me to finish.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  After no sleep the night before, I’m wondering if it’s worth cancelling with Jordan today. I just don’t want to fall back into old habits; ones where I make plans and cancel them. If I cancel on her today, tomorrow it could be Banner, and after what happened in class yesterday, I need to be surrounded by people who make me feel safe. Banner is one of them.

  Mark comes barging into my room just as my attention turns to the television, watching in horror as they announce a young girl has gone missing.

  “Oh, my God, that’s here in Whithall,” I tell Mark, pointing to the TV.

  He slowly sits down on the edge of the bed, his eyes never leaving the television. “Holy shit! What the fuck is happening around here? I swear this place is cursed sometimes.”

  I narrow my eyes at him. “You told me it was safe.”

  He flinches, turning to face me. “Nowhere is really safe, Em. But no one will mess with you with me around.”

  I sigh, my gaze still fixed on the screen as I murmur, “I know.” I look away from the television, facing my cousin. “Was there something you needed?”

  He faces me, too, watching me curiously. “Are you okay? You look tired.”

  “I was up all night, working,” I lie.

  He mumbles something under his breath but doesn’t argue with me. “I wanted to know if you wanted a lift to Nero.”

  I glance at my phone, noticing it’s half twelve already, and I have to meet Jordan at the coffee shop soon.

  “Shit!” I look over at him, smiling. “You don’t mind?”

  “Nah. Me and Levi are going to check out the new fitness shop that opened up. It’s just a few shops down.”

  “Thank you,” I tell him. Then remember the letter. “Um, Mark, I got a letter yesterday” I tell him, trailing off.

  He raises his eyebrow. “I know, you had a pile of them.”

  I shake my head at him, leaning over the bed to grab my bag. Sitting up, I pull the letter out and hand it to him.

  He looks it over, his face scrunching up in confusion before it dawns on him. He glances up in horror, waving the letter in the air. “Is this from who I think it’s from?”

  Still shocked over it myself, I nod. “Yeah. What do you think it says?”

  “Well, it can’t be anything bad. They wouldn’t let him send it if it was. Isn’t he out soon?”

  I’ve not wanted to think about his impending release. I avoid anything Darren related, just I like I avoid the subject of my parents. It’s my way of coping.

  “They called my parents a while ago to inform them he was being released in a few months. The date on the front of the letter says it was sent a month ago. Do you think my parents hid it from me?”

  He eyes it again, grimacing. “Yeah, most likely. Or it got misplaced and they just found it. What I don’t understand is why they allowed him to send it you. They’re supposed to have a list of victims he can’t write to.”

  “What do I do? I can’t deal with that right now.” I point to the letter, feeling my gut twist. “Why would he even be writing to me?”

  “Do you want me to read it?”

  I shake my head, and it isn’t until this moment that I realise I don’t want to know what it says. “No. I don’t need to know. Whatever he has to say, I can’t hear it.”

  He nods, understanding, then tears the letter in two. I watch through watery eyes, feeling a weight being lifted from my shoulders.

  “All gone. Now get ready while I go put this in the shredder.”

  Before he can get up, I move, leaning over to wrap my arms around his shoulders. “Thank you. And thank you for letting me come here.”

  He hugs me back, kissing the side of my head. “I wouldn’t want it any other way. Love you, cuz.”

  I pull back, giving him a watery smile. “Love you too.”

  Once he leaves, I take in a deep breath and pull myself together.

  *** *** ***

  Levi, Mar
k and I rush over to Nero, trying to avoid getting soaked in the heavy pour of rain. The sky is dark, the clouds a dark grey, promising another dreary day.

  Seeing Jordan standing under shelter outside Nero, I wave and head over to her.

  “Hey. I’m so sorry I’m late. We got stuck in traffic on the way here.”

  She smiles warmly at me. “It’s fine. I’ve not been here long myself,” she says, then looks over my shoulder. “Hey.”

  I glance behind me, completely forgetting Mark and Levi. “Jordan, this is my cousin, Mark, and his boyfriend, Levi.”

  She waves. “Nice to meet you. You joining us?”

  “We’ve got some stuff to do, actually, but if you’re here when we’re finished, we’ll join you. And it’s good to meet you too. Thanks for showing Emma around. We were going to do it but forgot we’d booked our holiday,” Mark explains.

  “Sounds good. And I didn’t mind. It was actually me who recommended the option to the school board. The first day I was supposed to start classes ended up with me getting lost and ending up in museums after mistaking them for a university building. Most of them look the same.”

  Levi laughs, nodding. “I hear ya. I took a few business courses there for part of my college course and had to ring my teacher for directions. It was embarrassing.”

  Mark shrugs, looking bored. “I used Google Maps.”

  I giggle, shaking my head at him. “Go test out the new sports drinks. I’ll see you later.”

  “Call me if you finish before I get back.”

  I roll my eyes. “All right.”

  “See ya later,” he tells us, then faces Jordan. “Nice to meet you.”

  “You too,” Jordan tells him sincerely, smiling.

  When they start off down the street, I call out to Mark, waiting for him to turn around. “Don’t forget to get your Google Maps up.”

  His laughter echoes down to me, making me smile. He walks backwards a few steps, saluting me, before turning back around. A few girls stop and gawk and him and Levi, checking them both out and whispering to each other.

  I spin around to face Jordan, taking a deep breath. “Hot chocolate?”