The Pink Heist

by Adam El Shalakany

  "What you guys need?" Captain Pippy asked.

  "Need? Need? We don't need no-fing, baby. Want, now that's a different ball game, now ain't it?" He laughed. His flabby chest jumping up and down behind his fishnet vest. "We want a lot. La2x Town 42 ain't the most entertaining of places."

  "Will you guys take labor chips?"

  The dealer rubbed his hand on his trousers and then began inspecting the other hand. "Yeah, those'll do. It depends on how much you have. We could use a bit of those. Always good to get new blood in here. Maybe buy myself out. How much you got?"

  "Fourteen years."

  "Oh sorry baby, the price is fifteen for that bucket of bolts. I mean the usual would be at least a hundred for the newer ships, but for that thing you want, fifteen'll do. I'll tell you what. Give me an hour with the metal toy and fourteen years worth and maybe there's something we could do." The dealer put his hand on Zenbot's shoulder, rubbing it. Zenbot's eye slits went red.

  The inorganic raised an arm to remove the dealer's hand but Captain Pippy intervened, hugging Zenbot and giving it a peck on the cheek. "Sold hon'. The chips are back in town but before I go get'em I gotta inspect the inside."

  "Me too, baby. Me too." The dealer eyed Zenbot up and down.

  "Captain. I don't feel comfortable with this." Zenbot said.

  Captain Pippy ignored the inorganic. "You got the access codes?"

  "That bucket of bolts don't use no access codes. That's an old model. They've refurbished it and fixed it up so much it's a walking piece of history. It uses an ignition key." He held up the keys for emphasis.

  "An ignition key? A key? That's great. That's a beaut. Shens we've made the right choice. Alright, gimme the keys and take ol' Zenny."

  The dealer threw Captain Pippy the keys and began taking off Zenbot's clothes.

  "A second if you will Captain Pippy." Zenbot pulled away from the dealer's clawing hands. "I'm not comfortable renting myself out, Captain Pippy. I do have some self respect."

  Captain Pippy whispered. "Relax Zenny… That pervert just wants to rummage around inside you for a while. Beside's I'll start the ship and when I give the signal you just come and board and we'll leave. Trust me, it'll take me five minutes and you'll be out."

  "Fine, Captain Pippy. Don't be late. I'm a being of my word."

  "Don't worry Zenny. I won't let you down. Hey hon', Zenny's ready for you. Be gentle." She winked towards the dealer, pushed Zenbot towards him and disappeared inside the ship.

  "By the Shens, Mancy. You should have seen the man. He was upside down and bubbles were raging around him." Freedman recounted the story to Mancy.

  "Bubbles? Is this a new thing Mr. Qruise? Is it something we can use?"

  Mr. Qruise lay down on the couch staring out of the window. "Lady, I didn't even see the bubbles. I have no idea what they mean. What have you been doing down here? Where the hell are Zenbot and Pippy?"

  VII pointed out of the window. "That's them now."

  A small, old ship with rust falling off of it like brown snow shuddered to a stop in front of the Big Pink. Where the Big Pink was large and luxurious and pink, this ship was small, minimal and a bland shade of old, brown metal, barely held together by years of maintenance and care.

  The only flare of color was a roughshod name spray painted on the side: "The Heister".

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Mines! Mines! Mines!

  The crew were crammed inside the Heister's mess. A large square metal table lay at its heart. The mess was connected directly to the open cockpit to one side. Hammocks hung from the walls. The lights swung from their wiring, casting a dim shifting light. Exposed cabling wound through every empty nook and cranny.

  "What the heck have you gotten us into, Captain?" Mancy looked at the mess, a look of shock and horror on her face. "This thing doesn't even even have a Low-I autopilot. Are you seriously going to pilot this thing all the way to Qamar?"

  Captain Pippy patted the ship's walls affectionately. "That's the beauty of it, hon'. Back to basics. Real piloting."

  "And you expect us to bunk in here all crammed together?" Mancy traced her finger across the table picking up the dust. "I had to leave most of my stuff back on the Big Pink."

  "That's what makes it smaller and faster dear. It's perfect. Ya gotta make a choice between getting the job done or traveling in style. This is the ship I'm telling ya. Besides Zenny's already paid too a high price to return it."

  "Is that so? What was that price, Zenbot?" Mancy flicked the dust off her fingers.

  "I don't want to talk about it. All I'll say is never trust Captain Pippy. She's a liar and…. Has a mean streak." It shook its head in disbelief. Its eye slits were the dull grey of shame.

  Captain Pippy laughed and mockingly punched Zenbot on the shoulder. "Com'on Zenny! I told ya. How was I s'pposed to know that the bloody ship still used a horn? It took me a while that's all. And I did signal you in the end, didn't I?"

  "After forty three minutes and twenty two seconds."

  "So before the hour was up. You see, I'm innocent. I got you out." She refused to let go of her smile.

  "I, alas, am no longer innocent thanks to you." Its head almost touched the ground.

  "How long will this 'thing,'" Mancy refused to call the Heister a ship, "take to get us to Qamar?"

  Captain Pippy knocked on the walls with a satisfying clang. "In this, a few days max. I'm all ready on my end. What's been going on back here?"

  VII held up two drives in her hands. "I'm done with the code. All ready, boss."

  "And you Mr. Qruise?" Zenbot asked. "I heard you tried meditating without me, with…interesting developments."

  "I'm as ready as I'm going to be I suppose. Which is not at all."

  Mancy rolled her eyes. "Fine." She took in the mess and the ship with her eyes. "Captain, take this heap to Qamar." Then she went and lay down on one of the hammocks.

  "Shens, this ship shakes. Four days in this thing and it hasn't stopped shuddering." Mr. Qruise hung from one of the hammocks swinging in tune with the lighting and the Heister.

  "You can stop complaining now, Mr. Qruise." Mancy looked out of the cockpit's window. "We've arrived at our destination. Qamar lies ahead of you. In all its glory. Come see."

  The crew all shuffled towards the cockpit, fighting the sway of the ship. "Where?" Freedman asked. "All I see is an asteroid belt."

  "And a bad one at that." Mr. Qruise squinted out of the window. "Captain Pippy you really should avoid that." He said. "One of those rocks will probably break this thing you've picked out for us."

  "That's no asteroid belt, Mr. Qruise." Mancy was smiling. "That in fact is the mine field surrounding, Qamar. The moon itself is a small thing at the center of the field. Right about there." She pointed to a small rock indistinguishable from the rest.

  "So all we have to do is avoid the rocks?" Freedman asked. "You can do it, Captain." He patted her on the back. "After what I've seen you do in the Seven Sisters."

  "Thanks, hon', but I lost the race y'all watched. And those ain't exactly rocks." Captain Pippy swiveled around in the pilot's chair. "You'll like this Qruise. You see the La2x family are a creatively vicious an' brutal bunch. All those rocks out there, y'all see, are low-I mines. They're attracted to propulsion of any sort. Ain't that right, Ms. La2x?"

  Mancy nodded.

  Mr. Qruise walked off and collapsed on his hammock covering his face with a blanket. He groaned loudly from underneath.

  "So how do we get past them?" Freedman asked.

  "The easy way's to call in to the moon and have'em disable the field while we pass. Safe and sound."

  "And our way?" Freedman continued.

  "Our way's gonna be shootin' into the field and start-stopping our way through. No brakes, no propulsion 'xcept for a half second every half a minute. Otha'wise…."

  Mr. Qruise groaned even louder from the other end of the mess.

  "Mr. Qruise, I'll need you ready to pop in case." Mancy said. "Zenbot I
'd appreciate you taking your pupil back wherever you took him last time. It should give us more time to react if we're about to blow. Do you think you can get the coward to do it again?"

  "I can hear you from over here." Mr. Qruise shouted from beneath his blanket.

  "Ms. La2x. I'll do my best. He's not the easiest of students, but I'll try."

  "I can still hear you."

  "Freedman, would you like to join?" Zenbot asked its pupil. "There is little we will be able to do here in any event. Besides Mr. Qruise told me you'd like to spend some more time training with me. I think that's admirable."

  "It would be an honor, master." Freedman bowed his head.

  "Good. Mr. Qruise, Freedman find a comfortable place to sit. Tie yourselves down, I estimate rapid acceleration."

  "You esta'mate right, Zenny dear. I'd reco'mend tying ya'selves in, right good. "

  "Good luck Captain." And with that Zenbot walked over to his two pupils, who'd found a couple of seat belts to latch themselves to the ship. Zenbot inspected the belts, tightened them a bit and then placed his hands on their napes.

  "Is that it? Are they in?" asked VII.

  "They are. We are currently meditating in that dark field of Mr. Qruise's mind."

  VII whistled. "Right now?"

  "Yes. Mr. Qruise has a message for you, Captain Pippy. He says and I quote 'please, please, please don't get us killed'."

  "I second that, boss." VII raised her hand, then found herself a seat and tied herself in as well. She clucked her tongue and Algy ran up to her. She grabbed the mouse and placed it in her chest pocket, closing the zipper.

  Captain Pippy twirled around, facing the front of the ship once more. She revved the engine. "You guys are such worriers. Ready to give the go ahead, Mancy dear?"

  "Go ahead, Captain."

  "Alright, alright, alright." Captain Pippy licked her lips, blew away a stray hair from in front of her face and then pushed the acceleration lever forward. The Heister jumped forward through space towards certain death.

  The Heister shot forward towards the minefield. The hull shook with the acceleration. Its rear fin flared a bright blue flame. As soon as they entered the minefield Captain Pippy cut the propulsion. The ship floated through space in between the mines.

  A swarm of tiny rocks rushed towards where the Heister had entered the field, attracted to the propulsion wake. A cloud of them clustered behind the Heister and exploded in a rainbow array of colors throwing the ship forward.

  Captain Pippy held onto the control panel in front of her. She tightened her seatbelts. "Adjusting the fins. You folks ready for the next push. Hold on."

  The Heister jumped forward again. Captain Pippy angled the ship back towards Qamar. It had strayed off course. Captain Pippy cut the propulsion almost as soon as she started it. Mancy who hadn't tied herself down to anything hit the mess ceiling, hitting the ground again with a thump.

  Captain Pippy didn't look back. Sweat rolled off her forehead. "Zenny girl, take care of, Ms. La2x puh'lease. No point to this whole thing if she dies here. You've got a skootch ova' twenty secs on my watch. Gotta wait till the engines cool down before starting up again."

  Zenbot reacted slowly to Pippy's orders. It walked over to Mancy's unconscious body splayed on the ground and held both onto her and a table nailed down to the cabin.

  More mines exploded in the Heister's trail. Captain Pippy ignited the propulsion engine again and re-aligned itself towards distant Qamar. Mancy flew into the air again but Zenbot stopped her from hitting the ceiling.

  "Yo, Zenbot why you acting funny?" asked VII, tied down to her chair.

  "It's hard interfacing with two minds, training them and helping Ms. La2x out here, even for me, VII." Zenbot spoke slower than usual.

  "So there are limits to the legend." VII's face was pale.

  "There are indeed, VII. How much time till Qamar, Captain?"

  "At this rate, Zenny. Hold on. Going to ignite again. Aaaaaand…. we're good. You holding on? Good. You've got thirty seconds till the next one. At this rate I'd say an hour or two till Qamar."

  "An hour or two?" VII groaned. "Shens. This is going to be torture. Are you gonna hold up, Pippy?"

  "It's Captain! Captain y'hear! And yeah. I should be alright. Zenbot get Mancy tied down. I'll need your help if I start sweating."

  "You want me to wipe your brow?"

  "Yup. Hold on. Here we go again. Only a thousand or so left, dears."

  An hour or so later, the equivalent of five hundred start-stops, the Heister was smack dab in the middle between Qamar and the edge of the mine field.

  VII's face was green and she'd been sick several times. Bullets of sweat dribbled off of Captain Pippy's brow. Zenbot dabbed at the sweat as quickly as it could. Mancy and the two pupils were still unconscious, tied down to the side of the mess.

  The tension in the air could be cut with a knife.

  "Hold on. We're about to ignite again."

  The ship hurtled forward re-aligning itself violently towards the moon. Qamar was now a visibly red rock in the middle of a grey field of death. The mines denser in the middle of the field, began to clump together quicker and threw the Heister out of alignment more erratically.

  "Um….Captain Pippy. Zenbot." VII was struggling to operate a small tablet in her hand.

  "Yes, VII? If y're gonna be sick aim towards the folks in the back. It's a hard enough piloting this here thing. Ain't no need for an added sen-sor-y ova'load."

  "Yeah sure." VII wheezed. "Whatever you say. It's just….I'm picking something up on the scanners. You ain't gonna like it."

  "Is it any worse than the Shen'amn mines?"

  "Could be….could be…. Ugh." They propelled forward again. "It depends on what your definition of worse is. I mean there's an armada of bounty hunter filled ships at the edge of the field behind us. Is that worse than us being stuck in the field? Nah, but it sure doesn't help."

  Captain Pippy stopped piloting and looked back for the first time in half an hour. "How'd ya arrive at them being bounty hunters?"

  "Our friend the Curacao is with them. And I'm picking up their comm's with the base. Seems like the mercenaries are still figuring out what the heck is going on up here. So that's buying us some time. Could you speed it up a little bit Captain Pippy?"

  The Captain huffed, blowing some hair dangling in front of her face away, and then swirled back to face the control panel. "No dear. Hold on we're about'a boost. Aaaaand…done. No, I can't speed it up. Zenny, wipe me please."

  Zenbot dabbed a pad gingerly on her brow. "Can you block the passage requests VII, between the Armada and the base?"

  VII fiddled with the tablet in her hand. "Already on it. Won't last forever though."

  "We're a half hour to the moon. That's all I need. Zenny any rabbit in that hat a'yours?" Captain Pippy asked.

  "I'm wiping your sweat, Captain."

  "I'mma need mo' than that hon'."

  "I'm not a pilot or a cryptographer, Captain. Drop me on the moon and you'll see what I can do. Every player has their part."

  "Hold on. Wooooah." The ship rolled more violently than usual from the mine explosions behind them. "What's going on out there. Those mines are acting mighty funny. VII?"

  "One second, boss." VII turned a shade of green. Zenbot handed her the bucket. VII spoke after she was done. "Thanks, boss. I think the mines are confused. Whole lot of torpedoes coming our way."

  "From?"

  "Both sides, boss."

  Captain Pippy laughed out loud before accelerating through the field once more, riding the rocky waves of light and energy. "Heck. This is definitely gonna make my name girls. If we survive of co'rse. Well if the mines are gonna act all funny so am I. Alright, alright, alright. I'mma speed it up just like you asked. Hold on to your horses."

  "There's nothing more to hold onto. What are you going to…." VII didn't have time to finish her sentence. The acceleration knocked her out immediately. She limped weakly in her chair. Algy's squ
irming in her pocket stopped as well. Zenbot went flying through the air and hit the back of the cabin.

  Captain Pippy was in control of herself and the ship. The mines attracted to the increased propulsion, clustered together right behind the Heister before exploding. The exterior of the ship bent inwards with audible moans with every boom.

  "Zenny," Captain Pippy's speech was dazed, "It's just you and me now. I'm gonna get y'all to that moon. But it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Wipe me, Zenny dear. One mess up and we're all turtle soup."

  Zenbot waded back towards the pilot's chair against the pull of the ship's acceleration. "You're not entirely right there, Captain, about us being alone… Freedman and Mr. Qruise are quite vocative about the current situation."

  Captain Pippy grinned despite herself. "Oh yeah I forgot about them. They ce'tainly look down and out. Anything I wanna hear?"

  "I wouldn't feel comfortable repeating what they're saying right now. Most of it is screaming."

  "Ah, the usual. Tell them they'll be made-men afta' this. Known throughout the galaxy. They should be hona'd."

  "They're crying right now. Have been for the past few minutes."

  "Hold on…"

  "Zenny dear…" Captain Pippy slumped over in her chair.

  "Yes Captain." Zenbot wiped at Captain Pippy's forehead.

  "I need ya to wake up Mancy fo' me. Can ya do that?"

  "We're almost there I see." Zenbot said looking through the cockpit's window. A large red moon, bright and blazing was in front of them. The inorganic walked over to Mancy and nudged her awake.

  "There are usually smelling salts in the medical kit. Behind ya, in the panel next to the door." Captain Pippy said.

  "Got it. There you go, Ms. La2x." Zenbot broke open a bottle of smelling salts and wafted it in front her nose. She came to gradually. "You've had a bit of a thump."

  "Mancy, can ya hear me? It's Captain Pippy. I need ya to focus. There's an armada of bounty hunters behind us and… damn…hold on tight." The Heister lurched. "Don't go out on us, Mancy. Good, you're still with us. And the mercs on the moon are firing on us. I'll get us there but we'll have to abandon ship on the moon. Whatever the heck you're bent on stealing it's probably a one way trip, that ok?"