by David Cry
“You know who’s responsible for today, don’t you?” I asked Jaymee. We had just put Brennan to bed and were settling in for the night ourselves.
“Responsible? What exactly are you talking about?” Jaymee didn’t follow.
“The job, honey,” I clarified. “This wonderful job. I believe in intercession—that someone in heaven can intervene on behalf of another. I fully believe, with my whole heart, that Logan ensured that you would be allowed more, that you could find work with a company that appreciates all of your attributes. A company that you don’t just work for, but truly become a part of.” Jaymee gasped; in her heart, I believe she knew this as well.
As time went by, Jaymee, Brennan, and I settled into a new life. Our post-Logan experiences were, at first, not as joyful. We were all still downtrodden and distracted by everything we went through. But eventually—albeit months later—we were finally able to truly experience good things together. Brennan, our little distraction since day one, began to show himself again as the sweet and gentle child that he is. I believe that what we discovered in him helped in so many ways. In kindergarten, he was academically perfect, winning awards for character and ambition. Jaymee was so proud, and at times, I found myself speechless. I feel blessed in a way I never thought I could.
Mom’s surgery went well. Tests to determine whether or not it had spread to her lymph nodes were normal. Today, she is cancer free and on the mend.
Brennan has been to counseling on several occasions since Logan and my dad passed away. Initially, Brennan did not wish to discuss any part of what had occurred. He would talk about Logan and my dad, but never in front of us. I’d heard him in the backyard having a talk with himself on a couple of occasions. A few weeks after that, he started talking with my father at bedtime.
Our routine had always been that every night, we would brush our teeth, read a story, get tucked in, and then Brennan would go to sleep. Soon after, I leave the room while Jaymee sings to him, a private moment between the two of them. But one night, Brennan asked to see me. When I came in and sat down, he said that he wanted to talk about Logan, the first time since his passing. We discussed the virtues of Heaven, and what exactly Logan might be doing there. When I left that first night, he felt that Logan was riding a unicorn, while my dad was on an elephant’s back bringing up the rear. In other words, whatever Brennan feels he needs to say, we will always be there for him, no matter what. We know that there are still tears to come, still bad feelings and questions without answers.
I love my son, and hold his happiness as a top priority. And it’s never going to happen through the toys I buy him or the things he wears. I want my son to be satisfied with the person living in his skin, and to know that nothing else is as important as this. I want him to be brimming with confidence, knowing that his actions in life will have a measurable impact. Brennan has something special inside him, and this will never be ignored by us.
As for Jaymee, she is surviving. Most days, she remains peaceful and pleased. We still talk about Logan and my dad as though they are still here; truth be told, in so many ways, they still are.
Jaymee decided, shortly after things calmed down, that she needed a distraction. She met with a nice lady from our church who does ceramics, and she offered to show Jaymee the ropes. The day she went to see her, the lady observed that no one she’d taught had ever picked up on things as easily as Jaymee. Jaymee seemed pleased by this.
The most amazing part of this entire situation is the way in which Jaymee and I defied the odds. Every day, we stayed mindful of the love that we shared, and did our level best to endure, in spite of it all. While it’s possible that one day she will wake up and think to herself, “What the hell am I doing with this guy?,” that would be the same day I surprise her with the extent to which I would fight to make things work. I would show her, each and every day, how needed and adored she is. I would remind her that our vows, including sickness and health, have all been covered. Richer or poorer has been satisfied. Good times and bad? I could write a book—and did. My point being that our love has made it so that neither of us wants for anything. I adore my wife, and I do see us being together for the rest of our lives. And not just because of what we have been through, but also for all those things that brought us together in the first place.
Being a man of considerable faith, there were struggles each step of the way. But the one thing I never did throughout all of this was to judge the experience, or any person tied to it. There is already a great deal of judgment in our world. As a result, people waste their time attacking others, while other people set out to defend themselves. Why we can’t just live our lives, concerned only with ourselves and our own well-being is beyond me. I reject the notion that, just because a person is disabled, or tall, or bald, that anyone would have a problem with that. In the end, I hope to impart to anyone willing to listen that life is far too precious to be overly concerned with the actions of others. If you want to be passionate, be passionate about your spouse. Want to make things right in the world? First, limit your perspective to your own world; do your best to see that your child is educated, well cared for, and loved. It’s that simple.
I don’t mind challenges. I don’t mind being tested. What I do mind is people giving up for no other reason than convenience. Life is not a matter of convenience. It’s a difficult journey for each of us. If you plan to run at the first sign of trouble, you might as well start running now, and keep going.
I thank God every day for the life I have been allowed, both good and bad. I am certain that, for now, things will remain peaceful, as we reinvent our lives in the best way possible. I also know that grief in one form or another may be right around the corner. I am not daunted by that in any way. Whatever it is, whenever it is, I know that we will handle it. Jaymee and I have already spent a large portion of our marriage doing so. Why would that change now?
I wish I could tell you, after going through the loss of a child, that I could write something to renew and inspire others. I wish I could offer advice or hope to those facing similar predicaments. But I can’t; all I have to offer is what we went through. How tough a time it was. How I still wake up at 2 A.M. with one singular thought on my mind: Logan. The longing won’t go away. The tears will never end. We are forever changed.
If you are asking for my advice, it is this: tonight, please hug your babies a little bit tighter, the ones who are 3 or 33. Allow love in, and send it out. Make the most of your every opportunity.
Know that life continues. For us, the world is just beginning to unfold. New experiences and new beginnings await around the corner, leading off to magnificent places. Make the choice, as I have, to allow yourself to feel happiness again. But no matter what, I will always be mindful of what I’ve lost. Logan will be with me, and on my mind, every day; until I am here no longer. I still miss him so much. This is my reality.
To each and every one of you, thank you for taking the time to follow and understand our journey. I hope and pray that each of you finds something within that, when applied to your own lives, is meaningful and impactful. The last thing I’d like to say is this: Never stop loving. Hold those closest to you closer, and love them like you never have before. While we may have today, one never knows what tomorrow may bring.
I wish you all peace and love.
AFTERWORD
FOR ANYONE WHO feels that I have in any way attempted to romanticize my relationship with Jaymee, in an effort to show how destiny appears to have brought us together, I hope and pray that you will dismiss this idea. There is nothing romantic about anything that we’ve gone through. In fact, I am the least romantic man alive—just ask my wife. While I certainly show her and tell her how much I love her every day, I’m not very good when it comes to being lovey-dovey.
But the larger point is this: This book is not just about Logan’s plight. It is also very much about altering one’s mindset and way of living, when tragedy befalls you. No one ever plans for what we experienced,
and no one ever could. We all just take things as they come, while trying our best to process our circumstances and proceed from there. And while we have certainly been through a lot, I am not certain that I could teach anyone anything new about grief. As I have said, grief is different with every person. My primary hope and prayer each day is that I be allowed to be a better man—not only to Jaymee and Brennan, but to the world. In my professional life, I am here to help others; if that includes those outside of the realm of ALD, then so be it. At times, others need assistance. I am simply pleased that I can extend myself to provide it.
What I hope everyone who reads this book pulls out of it are a few basic, simple things. Lead with love everywhere you go, and in everything you do. Lead with love and your life will find balance. Focus on your spirituality. Spirituality means many things for many people. If you have a relationship with God, or some other spiritual being, connect every day. Try to find those things within you that relate to your spiritual being in a beneficial way. I cannot exaggerate how often this has helped me. Live now; forget yesterday. Forgive those who have offended you. Find peace in experiencing the moment you are involved in, right now. Life is ever changing. Worrying about what already took place or what may happen next is overwhelming. Living in the moment allows all of the other distractions of life to fade away.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share our experience with you. I don’t feel proud about anything that we did in particular; I just feel normal. I suppose this is a good state of mind. While our journey was ours alone, I pray that anyone who has the chance to read these words will realize that life’s abundance is within your reach; that life is only as simple or as complicated as we make it. To that end, while I try each day to live in a very simple way, I accept that there will be times when this is far too much for me. That’s one of the greatest things about life: if at first you don’t succeed …
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
THANK YOU. MY two most often spoken words. It’s a Southern thing. Thanking those who have helped me, shown me love, and encouraged me is perplexing. There are so many to extend thanks to. On any given day, these are words I often lead with. Running a non-profit and receiving so much from so many is humbling. I am not so special to deserve any of it. All I know is that for what has been offered, I am, and always will be, grateful.
Thanks be to God comes first. Always has. Always will. Father, thank you for allowing me to be me. For allowing the best people to be a part of my life. For letting me live out my passions in a meaningful way. My hope is to honor You the best way I can. Thank you.
Jaymee. My love. My life. My amazing girl next door. Saying “thank you” is hardly enough. At every turn, you know me better than at times I know myself. My heart is yours. Now and forever. Thank you for making me see and feel so much. Without you, my heart would not know half of the love or joy it does. You are the best person I will ever know.
Brennan. You are a father’s dream come true. You are smart, funny, and beautiful. You challenge me in ways I never believed I would be. Thank you for making life so interesting. Thank you for being my son.
To my mother Irma, thank you. Your influence is always felt. Also to my late father, George. Though not one for regret, I am disappointed that you were not here to witness my becoming an author. To my brothers, Jim, Geoffrey, and Mitchell, thanks guys. A lot. Your support of us is always appreciated. I cannot imagine growing up with anyone else. To my sister-in-law Kelly, nephews Kevin and Alex, and my adorable niece Annika, I appreciate so much about each of you. Thank you.
John and Jen, for a lifetime of support and encouragement, thank you both. Martin and Michelle, for years, you have been good friends I can always count on. This means a lot to me. To the Mahoney’s, God fearing and loving—two of the best things anyone can be. Jimmy and Amy, you both mean so much. Keith and Jodi, we have enjoyed knowing you as we watch our kids grow up. Your support was and is so meaningful! Blaine, thank you. Your love means a lot. Dr. Richard Clatterbuck, for diagnosing me all of those years ago. For your intellectual prowess, and never ending compassion, thank you.
JK, brother, thank you. Meeting you has been a pleasure. I have learned a great deal about life through our experiences. Always enriching.
John Hirschbeck. What can I say? Your wisdom, compassion, caring attitude, and friendship are difficult for me to grasp. While in so many ways I wish we had never met—ALD has ravaged us both—knowing you has been one of the best experiences of my life. Thank you for every answer. Thank you for requiring that I consider. Thank you. You, Denise, and the girls are in my prayers always.
I now have names. Nothing else I may say, but thank you. There are a lot. If you see yours, understand that I appreciate your friendship. If I make a mistake and you don’t see yours, please don’t be offended. I did not leave you out on purpose. In the course of any given day, my mind does at times get scattered. Days filled with hundreds of e-mails and dozens of phone calls can be dizzying. If I have been in your presence and expressed my thanks to you, I hope that it’s enough. If you prayed for Logan, thank you. If you prayed for us, we appreciate it. For every gesture, no matter the size, it has, does, and will always matter.
J.K. Simmons; John Hirschbeck; cousins Keith, Scott, Kathy, and Bruce. Eddie, Alicia, Chris, Kelly, Lionel, Joe, Kris, Allison, Brian, Jeanne, Meredith, Kim, Eric, Halley, Bruce, Lisa, Kevin, Drew, Drake, Reggie, Doug, Stephanie, Abby, Annmarie, Joan, Betina, Don, Karen, Amber, Rachel, Steve, Jim, Freddy, Randy, James, Alicia, Brooke, Ginny, Heath, Nels, Michelle, Nicole, Stacey, Pat, Tina, Terrie, Mark, Paul, Bob, Kevin, Chantel, Dynette, David, Melissa, Chad, Patrick, Anna, Chris, Leslie, Bev, Barbara, Bobby, Eve, Jaimie, Kristin, Michael, Leslie, Marc, Robert, Brad, Steven, Tim, Tara, Harry, Susan, Patrick, Nels, Sally, Kathryn, Artie, Denise, Dale, Mackie, Dana, Richie, Missy, Mack, Rosalie, Mackie, Dana, Kim, Mike, Nicole, Steve, Jenifer, Stacey, Michael, Angela, Trey, Paige, Charles, Kim, Dar, Joe, Kris, Nelson, and thousands of kids of all of our friends. Thank you!
To each and every ALD family who has called me, thank you for allowing me the chance to be of service. To every doctor who has attempted to observe. To act in a meaningful manner as it relates to this condition, thank you. The roads that each of you travel is an ambitious one. Thank you all for giving me the chance to connect with you. To offer friendship and kindness. This means more to me than you will ever understand.
Finally, Logan. I know that you are up there, watching over us. That your life contained meaning, joy, and love for as long as it could and that we miss you every day. For allowing me to be your Dad, thank you. For being the best big brother a kid could be, and the very best son a Mommy could ask for, thank you. Please know that I am loving your Mom, cherishing your kid brother, and doing my best to make you proud. Not a day goes by that you are not in my thoughts and it never will. You taught me more than I ever dreamed of teaching you. Thanks for allowing it!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DAVID CRY is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Adrenoleukodystrophy Foundation, an organization founded in 2000 to serve the needs of families with the fatal pediatric condition, ALD. David lives his passions daily, having assisted mothers and fathers affected by this terrible condition in over 150 countries. David has established relationships with researchers at Johns Hopkins, Duke, Minnesota, Harvard, M.I.T., and many other institutions of higher learning. “Care today for a cure tomorrow” has been The ALD Foundation’s motto since day one, and David works tirelessly every day to make this change a reality. He currently resides in Slidell, Louisiana with his wife Jaymee and son Brennan.
%); filter: grayscale(100%); " class="sharethis-inline-share-buttons">share
