by A. C. Ellas
A happy unicorn is a gassy unicorn.
When a corporation attempts to increase production of their most important problem, hilarity ensues.
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Rainbow Lung-Cure
Copyright © 2017 A.C. Ellas
ISBN: 978-1-4874-1361-3
Cover art by Angela Waters
All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, is forbidden without the written permission of the publisher.
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Devine Destinies, an imprint of eXtasy Books Inc
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Rainbow Lung-Cure
By
A.C. Ellas
Rainbow Lung-Cure
From: Tanzaniel Purplemane, CEO, Magical Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
To: All Stable Managers, Unicorn Division
Re: Suggestions to combat dropping droppings production
Summary
Our unicorn herd is the largest in existence, and we have a duty to provide our customers with the products they need. In recent months, production of both the Rainbow Lung-Cure™, which has been shown to cure all lung ailments, including lung cancer and COPD, has dropped to less than half of quota, while the production of Hair-Grow Apples™, which can cause even the baldest of heads to sprout new hair, has been well over quota, indicating that the unicorns are eating enough but aren’t producing enough gas.
Suspecting a dietary culprit, we undertook a study of means by which gas production could be increased. Our findings are detailed below, along with instructions for implementation.
Finding #1
Unicorns will only work with virgins, and the happier the unicorns are, the gassier they are. Unicorns use gas as part of their language, farting to express pleasure or excitement. Non-virginal stablehands inhibit gas production. Please have all employees tested for impurity on an annual basis along with random screenings as needed. Any stablehands found to no longer be virginal are to report to the infirmary for repair or face immediate termination of position. Please hang reminder posters in the employee lounge to the effect that even impure thoughts can put a unicorn off her feed, which, in turn, will decrease production of the Rainbow Lung-Cure™. To combat this, we will increase the presence of the Vampiric Thought Police, especially at night when the Impurity Imps are at their most active. Imp netting has already been issued to the stables; managers are responsible for hanging the netting around the stables and barracks for best effect.
Finding #2
A recent study by the College of Magi has shown that the consumption of ale increases gas production in the gut of most animals. Furthermore, there is a direct relationship between the darkness of the ale and the amount of gas produced. We have tested this on one stable, and our own findings have shown a remarkable increase in Rainbow Lung-Cure™ production when the unicorns are given chocolate stout to drink. Managers are to replace the water in the water fountains available to the unicorns with chocolate stout immediately. Please do not permit the stablehands to imbibe of the stout, as it has been shown to cause an increase in impure thoughts. Chocolate and peppermint are also useful in keeping unicorns happy. Remember, a happy unicorn is a farting unicorn.
Finding #3
The company has trialed several different collection methods for the Rainbow Lung-Cure™ over the past year, and the results have shown that adhesive collection bags are the best way to ensure that not only is the Rainbow Lung-Cure™ prevented from dispersing and potentially being lost, but also the Hair-Grow Apples™ are held in the bottom of the bag so that they never touch the floor and thereby remain sterile. Bags must be changed when full to prevent the loss of product; stablehands must be diligent in checking the fullness levels of the bags. The new model of bag is magically self-sealing, preventing any escape of Rainbow Lung-Cure™. Full bags are to be collected once per shift and sent to the Elf Workshop for processing.
Thank you for your cooperation in these matters, we look forward to increased production within the next month.
* * * *
From: Charles, Shop Steward, United Unicorn Union, Overmoon Stable
To: Barn Bosses, Overmoon Stable
Re: Requests for changes in beverage
It has come to the attention of the UUU that the water in the fountains has recently been replaced with chocolate stout. While we applaud the efforts of the Barn Bosses to improve the beverages offered to our members, the Mare Coalition for Foal Safety has lodged a formal complaint. They are requesting that the water in the Nursery Barns be reinstated immediately due to grave concerns over the sobriety of their offspring.
In a related matter, the Organic Animal Feed Society has submitted another request for improved feed in all barns. Additionally, OAFS has submitted a separate request for hard apple cider instead of stout, suggesting that the Magical Apple Mill be contracted to provide the barns with sparkling organic apple refreshment.
* * * *
From: Dogma, CEO, Peoples for the Ethical Treatment of Magical Animals
To: Tanzaniel Purplemane, CEO, Magical Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
Re: IMPortant, please read
Recently, your company has instituted a policy of hanging imp netting around your unicorn barns and elf barracks. While we understand your concerns about the effects of imps on undefended minds and mentally deficient individuals, I feel I must remind you that the Impurity Imps are an endangered species.
We have photographic evidence that proves the imps are unable to escape from your badly designed netting. Several imps have even died before our members could cut them free. If the nets aren’t removed within a month, we will have no choice but to make public our evidence and call for a boycott of Magical Pharmaceuticals.
* * * *
From: Zultaniel Greenthumb, Head of Operations, Overmoon Stable
To: Barn Bosses, Overmoon Stable
Re: Recent spike in Deflowerments
The Witch Doctors have reported a recent and worrisome surge in the number of daily virginity repair cases. Please remind all stablehands to keep impure thoughts at bay at all times while on duty. Further infractions may result in escalating disciplinary action up to and including termination.
* * * *
From: Zultaniel Greenthumb, Head of Operations, Overmoon Stable
To: Barn Bosses, Overmoon Stable
Re: Stablehand reassignment
Effective immediately, only female stablehands will be assigned to the barns that house mares and all male stablehands are to be assigned only to the stallion barns. Barn Bosses are responsible for shuffling stock to segregate stallions and mares into different barns. Coed barns will no longer be permitted.
* * * *
From: Andre Fang, Head of Security, Overmoon Stable
To: All employees, Overmoon Stable
Re: Imp Warning
Last
night over half a dozen Impurity Imps were captured inside the imp netting. The imps were all found to be in possession of silver scissors, presumably such items were used to cut into the netting. The imps were later released into the wilderness area south of us.
We are requesting your ever greater vigilance to combat the continuing menace of the imps. If you see any sign of an imp’s passage, please call the Imp Extraction Hotline immediately. The call can be placed anonymously.
* * * *
From: Bruciel Pearltail, Shop Steward, Farm Elves Labor Union, Overmoon Stable
To: Zultaniel Greenthumb, Head of Operations, Overmoon Stable
Re: re: Stablehand reassignment
The recent mandate to segregate work assignments by gender is not only discriminatory, but also potentially illegal. I have over a dozen complaints spread through all of the barns about the arbitrary and unfair changes in assignments. As Union representative, I must protest and ask that work assignments be changed back to the way they were. I don’t want to have to take this any further up the ladder or consider more drastic actions such as a strike, and I believe it’s also in your best interests to comply, or you risk opening yourself for a sexual discrimination lawsuit.
* * * *
From: Charles, Shop Steward, United Unicorn Union
To: Zultaniel Greenthumb, Head of Operations, Overmoon Stable
Re: Re: Stablehand reassignment
I have complaints from every barn in our fine stable about not only the gender segregation of our stablehands, but also from your ill-considered banning of coed barns. You have torn families apart, why? My Union members are restless and unhappy, and I have seen unprecedented new member enrollment this week, and all of these unicorns tell me the same thing: they’re unhappy and want their stablehands back, and they want to be stabled with their families again.
My members are also still complaining about the beverage fountain situation. Please see attached petition; each barn is requesting the right to select their own beverage.
* * * *
From: Tanzaniel Purplemane, CEO, Magical Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
To: All Stable Managers, Unicorn Division
Re: Imp Netting
Please be alert for suspicious activity along the installed imp netting. PETMA has been agitating the imps into continued raids; several stables have reported security breaches involving silver scissors, which are used to cut through the netting. Imp traps are being sent to all stables to use as an additional means of combating these menaces.
The Association of Witch Doctors has released a statement reminding stablehands that the chocolate stout is for the unicorns only. The recent epidemic of deflowerings must stop immediately. To that end, the Vampiric Thought Police presence will be escalated in all stables, and employees caught imbibing the stout will be terminated on the spot.
* * * *
From: Marian Deneal, WD, Overmoon Stable
To: Andre Fang, Head of Security, Overmoon Stable
CC: Zultaniel Greenthumb, Head of Operations, Overmoon Stable
Re: Weekly Report
Four male stablehands have been deflowered this week. The repairs were made more difficult by the stablehands’ apparent enjoyment of the event which led to their condition. All four tested negative for drugs or alcohol.
Three imps were injured and a fourth killed by the netting. Twenty-five imps were captured unharmed and released per protocol.
Two members of the security team were found in a suspiciously euphoric state but tested negative for drugs or alcohol.
* * * *
From: Bruciel Pearltail, Shop Steward, Farm Elves Labor Union, Overmoon Stable
To: Zultaniel Greenthumb, Head of Operations, Overmoon Stable
Re: Wrongful Termination
It has come to our attention that four stablehands have been terminated from their positions despite testing negative for both drugs and alcohol. The stablehands in question all worked in stallion barn two and have had exemplary employment records. There are reports that many of the Security team are wandering about high; the four wrongfully terminated employees all report that the security team members who arrested them appeared to be in an altered state of awareness consistent with drug use.
Furthermore, two of the unicorns admit that they were behind at least two of the deflowerings. It appears that the other stallions in the barn reported the non-virginal states of the stablehands. I have reviewed the material presented by Mr. Purplemane and see no mention of the effects of stout on unicorns other than the increase in gas production. Has anyone in the company taken a closer look at the potential issues involved with keeping the unicorns drunk?
* * * *
From: Andre Fang, Head of Security, Overmoon Stable
To: Zultaniel Greenthumb, Head of Operations, Overmoon Stable
Re: Imps
Caught five imps with scissors. They also had peppermint bark in their pockets. It’s the finest grade of peppermint bark we’ve ever seen. It’s delicious and mind-clearing, and I just love you, man.
* * * *
From: Zultaniel Greenthumb, Head of Operations, Overmoon Stable
To: Marian Deneal, WD, Overmoon Stable
Re: Peppermint bark
Hey Marian, what’s up with the peppermint bark? The entire security team is wandering around singing and hugging people.
Also, FELU is complaining on behalf of those four stablehands we terminated for excessive deflowerization while on duty. They claim a unicorn did it?
* * * *
From: Marian Deneal, WD, Overmoon Stable
To: Zultaniel Greenthumb, Head of Operations, Overmoon Stable
Re: re: Peppermint bark
There’s a magical agent in the peppermint that is affecting the vampires. We’re searching for a countering agent, but so far, it appears that afflicted individuals will just have to sleep it off. Where are they getting it from?
In reference to the four stablehands, yes, it’s possible a unicorn did it, they were certainly stretched enough to have been had by a stallion. They were downright giddy about their deflowerments, which makes sense if it was a unicorn, all four are known unicorn cultists. The other stallions would report the deflowerments as a matter of course since non-virginal is non-virginal no matter who did the honors.
* * * *
From: Tanzaniel Purplemane, CEO, Magical Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
To: All Stable Managers, Unicorn Division
Re: MPPB
Any employee found to be in possession of or under the influence of Magical Psychedelic Peppermint Bark (MPPB) will not only face immediate termination, but also criminal charges. Please post the attached notices in all barns, barracks, and other working spaces.
* * * *
From: Zultaniel Greenthumb, Head of Operations, Overmoon Stable
To: Tanzaniel Purplemane, CEO, Magical Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
Re: Chocolate Stout
It has come to my attention that the chocolate stout is inebriating the unicorns. A percentage of the inebriated unicorns become horny, and in their inebriated state, they aren’t choosy about whom they do it with. Many of my farm elves are unicorn cultists and believe that it’s an honor to be deflowered by a unicorn.
The first step I took to combat this was to segregate the genders, both among the unicorns and the stablehands. However, it turns out that a percentage of our unicorns are also gay, and the deflowerings have continued.
The only solution I can see is to remove the chocolate stout from the barns and replace it with water. My Witch Doctors think that gas production could be raised by feeding the unicorns Beanstalk Burritos instead. With your permission, I would like to implement this change immediately.
* * * *
From: Tanzaniel Purplemane, CEO, Magical Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
To: All Stable Managers, Unicorn Division
Re: Unicorn Cultists
All personnel known
to be unicorn cultists are to be terminated immediately. Please see attached instructions for severance packages.
* * * *
Zultaniel proceeded to bang his head against his desk. Then, he went to the closest stable, filled his mug to the brim with chocolate stout and took a long drink. It was strong and smooth, chocolately and not bitter. “Al,” he told the attentive unicorn stallion. “I can’t take any more of their nonsense today.”
“Do you want me to deflower you again?”
Zultaniel thought about it as he finished his stout. “Yes.”
The End
About the Author
A.C. Ellas has long since embraced her inner nerd. She revels in her Greekness and in her Geekness. She has two lives—the mundane reality of life here on earth and the far more interesting life in her head. She is fascinated by ancient history, ancient forms of combat, target archery, sabre fencing, the equestrian sports and all things equine, dragons, spaceships, time travel, organic food and sustainable farming. Above all, she loves science fiction and fantasy of all varieties, especially conventions, which are the only gatherings on earth where she can find many people just as strange as she is.
