by Stella
When a man tried to pull me into his arms, I nearly came unglued, kicking and scratching and screaming at the unknown—trying to fight off an intruder.
“Shh. Katie.” The voice was familiar even if his scent and arms weren’t. “Katie, Katie…calm down.” I gave in long enough to look up and find Coby Kyler attempting to comfort me. And just over his shoulder, in front of an open door, stood Ellie with her hand clutching her mouth.
“I’m sorry, Coby. I’m so sorry.” I didn’t owe him an explanation or even know why he was here. I just knew how desperately I needed someone’s attention. “I just…I’m scared.”
“It’s okay. They’re gone.” He sat down in the darkness next to me and pulled me between his legs.
I didn’t know this man from Adam, yet I clung to his clasped arms in front of me and lost control. Every shake, hiccupping sob, and tremor that ran through me was calmed by his refusal to let go. The two of us could have sat in that corner for ten minutes or an hour, I’d never know.
When I was finally able to speak without crying, I chanced a glance at the wife of the man who currently held me in his arms. Pity lined her creased brow and tears lingered in her eyes. “Why are you guys here?” I hiccupped the broken words.
“I was on the phone with Gage when he got your message.” Coby didn’t want to be the one to tell me Gage had gotten my text and chosen not to respond.
“Wow.” I huffed through my nose, realizing I didn’t have an ounce of dignity or pride remaining, and then I pulled myself out of his arms and stood on shaky legs. “That’s embarrassing. I’m sorry the two of you got put on pity patrol. I just thought he might be able to get them to go away.”
Ellie came toward me with her hand out. “No. It’s not like that at all, Katie.”
Trying to retreat, I closed my eyes. There had to be someplace in my mind that was still quiet that I could escape to—I just couldn’t find it. When it didn’t work, I opened them slowly and gave her a half-hearted smile. “Thank you for coming.” I turned back to Coby. “Both of you.” I had no idea where their kids were, but it couldn’t have been easy to find someone to watch them on such short notice.
Coby stood and adjusted his clothes from wrestling with me. “I don’t think you’ll see anyone else on the property anytime soon. But if you do, here’s the officer’s number who issued trespassing warnings to the reporters that were here.” He handed me a card. “I can’t promise you they won’t be at the bottom of the driveway, though. Unfortunately, the streets are public domain.”
I shrugged. “It’s not like I can go anywhere without a car, anyway.” I tried to laugh and failed miserably. “I really do appreciate you getting them off the porch.”
“Katie—”
“It’s okay, Coby. I’ll be fine.” I tried to reassure him by squaring my shoulders and nodding my head with a fake smile on my lips. Unfortunately, my puffy eyes and swollen nose were far better witnesses to the truth than my words.
I moved from the kitchen to the couch and sat in the corner, drawing my knees up protectively—it got harder with each day that passed. Ellie sat in the chair across from me with Coby on the other end of the sofa.
“He’s having a tough time right now, Katie.” Coby acted like I didn’t know that—the whole world saw it.
“Oh, sweetie. Why don’t you talk to him?” Ellie moved to kneel in front of me, taking both of my hand in hers. “He just needs to hear from you.” Her brow furrowed as she tried to convince me that a phone call would set everything back on the right axis.
“I tried. Several times. He didn’t answer and hasn’t called back. And the first time I sent him a text, he had you two come instead of checking on me himself.”
“This has to just be a misunderstanding. I’m sure you’ll clear it up as soon as he comes home.”
“Maybe.” Not.
Gage had wasted no time reverting to his old ways. He’d gone back to exactly what I’d believed he would be the second something got tough.
“I’ve known Gage a long time. He’s struggling because he’s hurting. He runs, so you don’t have a chance.” Coby wasn’t telling me anything I wasn’t already aware of.
“I don’t want to run, Coby. I don’t want to go anywhere without him. I just need the chance to explain what happened—to him. Not the media. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. But he won’t talk.”
Ellie patted my knee. “Just give him time. I promise he’ll come around.”
I bobbed my head in agreement, not believing a word either of them said.
Coby stood and held his hand out to his wife. “Just remember, not everything you see or hear on television is what the media makes it out to be. Give Gage the same chance you’re asking for. I promise, he hasn’t done anything to let you down.”
I didn’t know if I believed him. However, I owed it to Gage to show him the same respect I hoped to get from him. And that was a conversation with an explanation.
The door still stood open when Coby and Ellie said goodbye. Just as they reached the last step, Ellie turned around. “Katie, if you need to talk, I’m just a phone call away.”
“Thanks, Ellie. Goodnight.”
As brutal as the evening had been, the emotional overload and release created exhaustion so powerful, not even the heartache I’d caused Gage could keep me awake another night. I’d held onto hope that Coby and Ellie were right. But in the morning, with a clear mind, I was determined to fix this.
Me: I know you’re upset. Can we please talk tonight after the game?
I didn’t expect a reply. If I had to text him every hour on the hour, I would. I had nothing but time on my hands; I could be persistent if needed.
To my surprise, my phone lit up with Gage’s image. I looked like shit and didn’t care. I couldn’t hit the accept button fast enough.
“Hey, Katiebug.”
I bit my lip to keep from crying. Gage had been killing it on the field, but his face and the tone of his voice told me he struggled just as much as I did. “Hey.”
He was leaned up against the white pillows of his hotel bed just staring at the screen, looking as lost as I felt.
“I’m so sorry, Gage. I know it doesn’t fix anything.”
“I talked to Coby.”
“I know.”
“No, I talked to him this morning. I had no idea. I should have given you the chance to explain.” His eyes were bloodshot, and his voice strained. “If anything had happened—I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I didn’t know…”
“It’s okay.” It wasn’t, but I hoped it would be. That he’d allow me to explain.
“I overreacted. I just loved—Granny was the only person I ever…” He fought to maintain his composure.
I sighed. “I loved her, too, Gage. That’s why I gave up my license instead of risking jail. She meant everything to me. And when we talked about it, she made sure I knew I’d be okay.”
“I don’t understand. Granny knew?” He choked on the last word as his throat closed with emotion.
I nodded and licked my lips, once again preparing myself to admit a part of my past that seemed would never stop haunting me. “About a year after you hired me, the hospital I had worked for in Culver City contacted me. Well, I received a certified letter at Granny’s house about their investigation.”
“Into what?” His posture straightened against the pillows, confused.
My eyes closed, and I thought back to the day I answered the door to sign the slip of paper from the postman in exchange for the letter. I knew before I opened it what it was regarding; I’d just hoped since I’d left, they wouldn’t pursue it. “Stolen drugs from the hospital’s pharmacy.”
His eyes bugged, but he remained silent.
“The last time I saw my mom, I’d gone to find her to give her medications and tell her it was the last time I could do it because there was a lot of buzz around the hospital.”
“Wait. This is all tied to your mom and AIDS?”
With a
heavy sigh, I admitted, “Yes.”
“You’d been stealing for her?”
“She was dying, Gage. And she’d promised me if I could get her into rehab that she’d go. I couldn’t afford the medication on my own. They were thousands of dollars a month without insurance. I didn’t make that kind of money.”
“Aren’t there clinics or something to help with that? Surely, there had to be another option than stealing from your employer.” This was when I expected him to throw in a Nix-worthy comment, yet all I heard was disbelief and condemnation. This was bad.
“Desperate people do desperate things.” There was no point in continuing with this. He’d already made up his mind, and nothing I could say would pacify him.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. Keep going.”
“I’d only done it a few times. I made sure not to implicate the same pharmacist and covered my tracks on inventory logs. I was just trying to get her into rehab where the clinic would take over all that for her. That’s why I went to find her to begin with. I’d gotten her into a rehab facility, and she was supposed to go the next morning.”
“But by the time you got out of jail, she’d already passed away.” At least he remembered parts of the story.
“Yes, although I didn’t know that right off the bat. The press doesn’t care about the junky whore on the corner dying.”
“Just the girlfriend of the baseball player they’re trying to ruin.” He’d never called me his girlfriend, and as much as I wanted to focus on that and hold on to it like it was my get-out-of-jail-free card, I had to get this out while I could.
“There were rumors all over the hospital about the administration looking into the inventory in the pharmacy, and it was getting too close for me to stay. So I started applying for jobs outside the hospital. Thinking that if the discrepancies stopped, they’d quit investigating.”
“That’s when you found my ad?”
I pursed my lips. “Yeah. And you called me the morning after I was released for prostitution. Charges hadn’t formally come down, so when I interviewed with you, my background check was clean, and my nursing license was intact.”
“And you took the prostitution charge believing your mom would go to rehab the next day. If she were in jail, she would have missed the chance.”
“That, and the cops would have found the stolen medication I’d given her before they pulled up. The hospital only had suspicions, they didn’t have any hard evidence.”
“Did she not have them on her when she died?”
“No. My guess is she sold them to buy heroin, and that was the money she used to buy enough smack to overdose.” I’d likely hold onto that guilt for the rest of my life.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Maybe not. I’ll never know. Anyway, the day you called was one of two days in my shift rotation that I was off. And when you offered me a job, it solved more than one problem. The salary was more than triple what I was making, plus the bonuses, not to mention I didn’t have to pay for living expenses. It gave me a way to help cover my mom’s medical needs legally once she got out of rehab. It also got me away from the hospital before I could be connected to the missing drugs.”
I kept hoping the Gage that cracked perpetual jokes would show up and toss out something to make me laugh or roll my eyes—anything to lighten the mood and hint at forgiveness. And when he didn’t, I had to keep going.
“I never went back to the hospital. I called the HR department and told them I’d accepted another position and wouldn’t be returning. I started working for you the next day.”
“Thinking you’d escaped it all.”
“The first weekend I was at Granny’s house, I got a call from a police officer about my mother. I had to drive back to Culver City to identify her and make funeral arrangements.”
“You never told me you left Granny alone.” His chest heaved, ready to explode again.
“I didn’t, Gage. Not one time. I told Granny as little as I could. You know how she was—I didn’t have to say much. She just patted my hand and told me to get in the car. She went with me. Granny helped me with my mom’s funeral—not that it was anything special. And she and I were the only two people to attend.”
“And she became the only person you had in the world, too.” It wasn’t a question, more of an admission of understanding.
Tears fell down my cheeks, and I swallowed hard. A year had done nothing to dull the pain of her loss, and I doubted an entire lifetime would.
“I’d been with you almost a year when I got the letter from the hospital. I tried to hide it from her. I was ashamed of the mess I’d created trying to save someone who didn’t care about saving herself. But Granny wasn’t stupid, there were only so many times I could take her to Culver City and drop her off to have her hair or her nails done before she started asking questions. And I couldn’t lie to her. The hospital didn’t have any concrete evidence against me. All they had was video footage of me in the pharmacy during times they suspected medication went missing.”
“Then why’d you let them take your license?”
“While everything was circumstantial, it wouldn’t have been hard to convince a jury I’d done it. My mom had died of a drug overdose and had AIDS. It wasn’t like I was stealing narcotics and peddling them on the street. I had a close tie to everything that was missing.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to ward off the headache building behind my eyes.
“Once Granny had all the facts, she had me make an appointment with the administration to talk about my options. She went with me and even helped negotiate with them.”
“Seriously?” If we’d been talking about anything else, I probably would have snorted with laughter at the look on his face.
“I don’t know why you’re so shocked, Gage. She did the same kinds of things for you along the way.”
“That woman really talked too much.” The gleam started to return to his eyes.
“In the end, since I’d never been caught with the drugs—and even if I had, they weren’t narcotics, just expensive as hell—the deal we struck was for me to voluntarily surrender my license or face grand theft charges and prison time…like the kind without conjugal visits.” I tried to lighten the mood a tad since he seemed in better spirits.
“And Granny told you to take the deal and not fight?”
“She promised I’d always have a job as long as she was alive. I didn’t care about the license at that point anyhow. She was family—my only family. If I had gone to jail, and you were traveling…”
“And that’s why she told me you always had a place at the house.”
“Yeah.” My eyes filled with tears for the umpteenth time since I’d been on the phone with him. “I loved her with all my heart, Gage. I promise you, I never put her safety at risk. Just because I lost my license didn’t mean I didn’t have the knowledge to do what you hired me to do—care for her. And I did that.”
I wanted him to say something, anything to break the silence. I had nothing else to offer him. That was my story. Every skeleton in my closet now hung in plain view, and I was as raw and vulnerable and exposed as I’d ever been with anyone other than his grandmother.
“Maybe I should have told you then. Technically you hired me, but I really did believe I’d done the right thing, Gage. There wasn’t a single secret Granny didn’t know about.”
“It was just me you didn’t trust to tell.” And we were back to hurt.
“It wasn’t that at all. I’m sure there are tons of things you’ve done as an adult that the media didn’t get ahold of and you keep as closely guarded secrets.”
He lifted one shoulder hesitantly before lowering it again. “Maybe.”
“Have you divulged every one of those memories to me?”
“That’s different. They didn’t involve you.”
“And in my mind and my world, mine didn’t involve you. The two of us were never close. We didn’t chitchat or even t
alk on the phone. The person I believed they affected knew every wart I had.”
“Well, Granny wasn’t in the spotlight, either. Every decision you make affects me.”
I desperately wanted his forgiveness, but not at the expense of his reputation or feelings being more important than my own. The only person I had in this world to love me, was me. “I assure you, Gage, every decision you make affects me, too. If this were any other man’s baby, my past wouldn’t be coffee-shop chatter for the entire world.”
“Kati—” The knock on Gage’s door interrupted whatever he was about to say. He carried the phone with him to open it, and the moment I saw his coach on the other side, I knew our conversation was over.
“I’ll let you go, Gage. I’ll call you after the ultrasound on Tuesday. Good luck in the game.” I disconnected without waiting for a reply.
Gage and I exchanged a few text messages over the next two days, although nothing of substance. He was busy, and I was drained. The unwanted visitors had stopped coming to the door, and as far as I could tell, when they figured out I never left the house, they’d vacated the mailbox as well. I’d spent so much time worrying about how I’d hurt Gage that it hadn’t occurred to me how much pain he’d left me in by avoiding me and giving me the silent treatment while he was gone.
Ellie came to pick me up, and when I climbed into her car, the discomfort in my chest made its presence known. It only amplified the closer we got to the doctor’s office. This appointment was supposed to have taken place last week while Gage was home, and at the last minute, the doctor had gotten stuck at the hospital, and his nurse rescheduled all of the appointments for that day. I wasn’t able to get in until today, and it was just another milestone in my pregnancy that he wasn’t here for. And even though he hadn’t said anything about it since he’d left, he’d been devastated last week.
