A race that I would never know if I could've won.
It should have been an honor for a councilor to talk directly to me at all, something I hadn't experienced since my run-in with Scholar Credence. But despite everything I’d been trying to do to attract less attention, I had gotten it anyway.
And this time, I had gotten their attention for all the wrong reasons. For something I could never be proud of.
And something I could never take back.
I felt sick over what I’d done. Not just that day, that race, but all of it.
I had been holding back for a year already. Making myself be less than I was.
Giving the Archive less than I had.
It was unacceptable.
I had already risked everything for the chance to become a librarian, and somehow without really understanding what it meant, I'd started devaluing that sacrifice in the name of safety.
Our grades for this half of the year would be delivered to our rooms the next morning and I already knew what my reports would say. Average, satisfactory, just okay. There wouldn't be any rankings of my classmates until the end of the year but I suspected I was still more or less where I had intended to be, right in the middle.
And I was capable of more.
I was either going to get caught in my deceptions or I wasn't, but it was well past time that I started dedicating everything I had to my success at the Archive.
I couldn't say for sure if I would be able to graduate anywhere near the top of my class now, with how far behind I had already put myself. But I had time to at least try.
And that was what I needed to do. If I wanted any chance being able to look at myself in the mirror, every day for the rest of my life, hopefully as I lived out my dream of being a librarian, that I needed to start doing better.
I needed to start doing my best.
Chapter 11
At least, at the end of our second year, we didn't have to wait long to get our exam results.
All forty-two of us left the academy's largest classroom, around the same time, after handing in our final exam of the week. It had consisted of exactly a thousand multiple-choice and short answer questions. Each test would be instantly graded by way of a new spell that Scholar Credence had been trying to perfect.
Every one of us was trying not to be too obvious or to move too quickly while we thundered down the stairs in one massive group to the second-floor academy entryway.
I was one of the first to arrive but there was no sign of our class rankings listed anywhere yet.
I was feeling good about how things had gone, both on my exams and over the course of the last semester. There hadn’t been all that much actual catching up to do since I'd still been trying to learn as much as I could, only making a point to test at an average level.
People had quickly noticed the difference, both teachers and classmates commenting on how I seemed to have come to life overnight after we came back from our break between terms.
In a matter of weeks, Tommen and I were both retreating to the same empty classrooms on some of our lunch breaks, studying in companionable silence, both flipping through our own books and papers until the last fifteen minutes or so where we'd start off asking one another questions on things we needed to clarify before inevitably breaking into completely unrelated conversations.
I’d started to love studying and learning again, and that counted for a lot.
A strong hand squeezed my shoulder and I turned around to see that Tommen had joined me in my spot beside the stairs. "You're going to do great," he said, probably reading my thoughtful expression as nerves. "You've been on fire for months now and I'm sure it has paid off."
I shrugged, still trying to act like the results didn't matter to me as much as they did. Or at least, no more than they mattered to everyone else. As a school full of book nerds, we were all dedicated to acing our classes, and as we got more comfortable with each other a more competitive streak had begun growing throughout our ranks.
But I still felt like I had something to prove to myself, as well as to everyone else.
"Well, we both know you are going to be at the top of the class, again."
Tommen grinned but there was a glint of uncertainty hiding behind his eyes. "We'll see."
I didn't notice when the sheet of paper appeared, pinned to a wall rather than escorted in by one of our professors, but everyone started moving and talking over each other at once.
Someone stomped on my foot as another person shoved their shoulder into mine, as we eagerly pressed forward to see our results. And I was right there with them, trying not to get pushed too far back as I weaved within the crowd, losing contact with Tommen almost at once.
Gennie and I made it to the posted rankings around the same time, coming from opposite ends of the stairwell. She gave me a grin as soon as we locked eyes on one another but instantly we both turned away to frantically read the paper in front of us.
Tommen’s name was right on top. I wasn't surprised, and I really was proud of him.
But there was still part of me that wished my name had been there instead.
But it would have been too much to ask, too much to expect. I'd usually been at the top of my classes throughout University, but here, surrounded by other people who cared about their grades as much as I did, it would have been ridiculous to even hope that I could make it to the top rank in our class for the year, after holding back for six months.
I wasn’t number two either.
I didn't find my name until the fifth spot on the list.
Smiling, I moved out of the way, still satisfied with where I’d ended up. It was more than a dozen rankings higher than I'd been the year before and progress is progress.
Besides, I still had two years to get back on top.
Two years. It was in that the realization hit me... my library in apprenticeship was already halfway over.
Two more years and I'd be a librarian for real. It was incredible.
And terrifying.
Tommen, Jericho and Gennie all found me again at the same time. I could still see Steph elbowing her way through to the rankings list.
"Well, buddy. Looks like you did it again." Jericho said, looking at Tommen.
There was no longer any hesitation behind Tommen’s smile and instead he grinned with absolute delight. It was infectious and I quickly smiled back, feelings of pride and relief of at making it through another year colliding within me at once. "Thanks. Looks like you managed to pull into the top ten," Tommen responded to his friend.
"Only just."
"How did you do?" I asked Gennie. She was probably the person I noticed studying late into the night more often than not, still hitting the books while I was getting ready to head home.
"Six, two better than last year. But one behind you. It looks like you jumped way up this year, Tari. That is seriously impressive. You’ve been working your butt off."
I let myself smile unabashedly. We all had reason to celebrate. "Did you happen to see where Steph landed?" I asked, a little quieter. "I didn't see."
Gennie’s expression hinted that she was as nervous about how our friend, her girlfriend, had done as I was. "Twenty-four. Better than she thought she would, for sure. But I think she was hoping that her showing at the physical would make more of a difference. She’s been getting high scores with the Protectorate for months now."
As though summoned, Steph pushed her way into the group, not looking nearly as happy as the rest of us. The conversation took a sharp turn from there, deliberately away from grades and toward what we all planned to do with our weeks off. Steph, Tommen and Jericho were all going to be making trips back home to visit family, which Gennie had done over the midterm break. It seemed like everyone was having a far easier time pulling themselves out of study mode now that we’d been at this for a while, long enough to enjoy time with their families.
So far, no one had asked why I didn't bother going home. Or even really where home was. Th
ey had probably gotten the message when I made a point of always answering questions as briefly as possible whenever the topic came up.
I'd be staying in the city over the break, just like I always did. Probably, just like I always would. But it was fine by me, I liked being in Sanctum, and having time to myself to check out some of the landmarks or hidden gems.
"When do you guys leave?" I asked no one in particular, hoping no one would be going right away. But regardless of their answers, we still had one more night to enjoy ourselves first.
"First thing in the morning," Tommen answered first. "I'm taking the ship to San Francisco, then a train from there to Paris. My brother will pick me up from there."
"Well, I hope none of you are planning on going anywhere tonight," Jericho said, thinking the same thing I had been as he started to bounce around with excited energy. “Because it looks like the tradition continues."
Already, our classmates were filing out of the lobby and back into the library, but because we'd all been talking about it for weeks now, I already knew where they were going.
"Party in the cafeteria?" I asked.
"Party in the cafeteria!" Gennie and Steph said together.
It was time to celebrate.
After our first hour in the basement I'd already had more drinks than I'd intended to have all night. And even I could tell they were having an effect on me.
Every time I laughed a little too loud, rambled on a little too much or fumbled my drink... I noticed. I knew I should ease up. But I couldn't seem to stop myself.
I really was having a great time.
Besides, no one else seemed to care. Everyone around me was acting more or less the same way. Our group had even gained a few first years, who were all watching from the outskirts of our group in wide-eyed wonder.
Had we all looked that timid a year before? They didn't look any younger than we had, for obvious reasons, but they felt younger.
We'd been just like them only a year before and it felt like a lifetime ago.
I burst out laughing, interrupting Jericho mid story. "Sorry," I said, raising up a hand. My friends were all giving me strange looks, but soon, Steph started laughing along with me.
I wanted to reach over and give her a big hug, to tell her how happy I was for her and Gennie, then I wanted to tell Gennie how cute I thought her hair was, and Jericho that he had a funny name.
There were all kinds of things I wanted to tell Tommen, but couldn't.
I couldn't tell any of them any of it.
"I'm going to go get some air," I said abruptly, interrupting Jericho again. I was ready to wave off anyone who offered come with me, but they were already back to listening to the story Jericho was struggling to get through, the circle reforming without me in it. In my periphery, I saw that only Tommen cast me one last look over his shoulder before I disappeared out of the cafeteria and into the cooler hallway, stumbling a little as my shoes jammed into the spot where tile met carpet.
Yep, I was definitely too drunk to stick around that party. I was going to say something I'd regret.
I was going to say something that would ruin everything.
Which also probably meant I was too drunk to walk home on my own.
Great.
Not sure what else to do, I walked back upstairs to the library, suppressing another fit of giggles.
The main section of the building looked busy for a Friday night and two different librarians manned the front desk. I wasn’t even sure I'd been aiming for the lobby, but more times than not that seemed to be where I ended up. Maybe it was part of the magic of the building.
"No," I chastised myself, "I don't want to leave."
I spun back to face the bookcases, and caught the strange look Keeper Boyd was giving me from behind the desk as I teetered to a stop. Too quickly, I snapped my head around to look at him, making myself dizzy in the process.
"Did you need something, apprentice?"
Crap.
How did a person go about looking not drunk?
It dawned on me that I should pretend I had some other reason to be in the lobby, something other than that I'd had too much to drink and didn't want to blab all my secrets to my classmates.
"Actually, I wanted to check something on the computer. Is that okay?"
As apprentices, we used the library's computer system all the time in our training. But since we were technically on a break now, I started worrying as soon as the question left my mouth that my request would raise suspicions.
But Keeper Boyd didn't look like he cared one way or the other. "Sure." He shifted over and went back to whatever he'd been working on in front of him, flipping through a stack of papers and leaving the computer terminal on the far end of the desk open for use.
Knowing I couldn’t walk away now, I went over to it and turned to the system on, staring intently at the screen in front of me.
I knew I had to do more than just look at the screen. But for a second, I couldn’t remember what it was.
Whatever I did was going to look weird!
I probably already looked weird!
By then both librarians behind the desk with me were giving each other worried glances. I had to do something!
I looked down at the keyboard, completely determined to act normal. I could pretend I was looking up a book, that was normal enough. The system could be used in a variety of ways. To look up books, publication dates, genres, characters.
I typed in the first character name that popped into my head. It was the same one I'd been avoiding looking up since I’d first set foot in the Archive.
Tari McCoy. My real name.
Two results came back right away. There had been two people with my name in the entire history of literature. That was kind of neat.
I wasn’t sure I’d remember it in the morning.
One was literary fiction, and the other was sci-fi.
I knew right away which book I belonged to and a shiver ran down my spine. It was really there with me, in the Archive.
Grabbing the closest pen, I noted the information down on my palm and left with a distracted wave. I didn't even care what the librarians on duty thought of my behavior anymore. I had just figured out exactly what I was going to do with my night until I sobered up enough to head home.
After two years, I no longer needed any help on know how to get to the various sections of the Archive. I found science fiction in a matter of minutes.
As I approached, without really meaning to, I slowed myself down. This was a moment I'd been imagining for years and it was almost a shame that the memory would always be clouded by the blur of alcohol.
It was also kind of a shame that it was happening at all. I had promised myself I would never do this, that I would never look myself up. Not because I was afraid of what I would find, but because someone else might notice what I'd done.
I found my book sooner than I'd meant to, hoping to have more time to prepare myself. Last Bastion of Humanity. I chuckled a little at the title. The starship I’d lived on in my previous life had been called the S.S. Bastion. We had a crew of eighteen and even though there were a lot of us, we were a tightknit group.
Only twelve of us were still alive by the end of the war.
Already, memories were coming back to me in waves. While first year had felt like a lifetime ago, this truly was my other lifetime. And not all the memories had been good ones.
I briefly considered that maybe I didn't need to read my book after all. I could just put it back and let this entire night go. Let my entire past go.
But why? I already knew what had happened. I could prepare myself. And there were a lot of good memories too. People that loved me. People that maybe one day I would've liked to have seen again.
Just like me, they all would have gone on to make new lives for themselves in the After. They’d still be out there, decades after our story together had finished. Even those we'd lost. They were all here with new lives.
Maybe they wo
uldn't even remember me at all.
But as soon as the thought entered my mind, I knew it wasn't true. I remembered them all perfectly. Not that it mattered, I wouldn’t have the chance to go see them again. I couldn’t take the risk.
I plucked the book from its spot and made for the closest reading section, which was thankfully and blissfully empty.
Curling up into a hideous armchair I opened Last Bastion of Humanity to its first page, and I started to read.
Even though I'd set out with the intention of reading the story I had been created in from beginning to end, I ended up flipping around, skipping over some of the moments that had been the most painful, and rereading favorites again and again. While I’d never really been one for swearing, even I could admit that I had been a badass back then.
Even though we had lost people, I'd saved just as many. And while I hadn't been instrumental in the ultimate battle, our ship never would've made it that far if it hadn't been for me.
The memories almost made me miss the feeling I used to get, working as a medic, saving someone's life or even just helping to ease their pain. Patching up my friends in the heat of battle so they could go on to do good.
It was so different from my new life. But not necessarily any better. Both stories were part of who I was, and even with my buzz wearing off, it was still pretty darn cool.
"There you are," a familiar voice interrupted me as I was reading back over chapter fourteen for the third time. Immediately, my heart sank.
Someone had found me red-handed. Caught in the act.
I was so completely screwed.
I slammed the book shut and looked up to find Tommen watching me with a lazy smile as he leaned on a nearby bookcase. "You’ve been gone for hours. I was starting to worry."
I forced myself to relax, to look at him as though I wasn't moments away from ruining my career. He didn't know anything was going on, and maybe if I was lucky, I could keep it that way.
"I got distracted," I forced myself to look down at the book on my lap ruefully, even though all I wanted to do was throw it across the room and pretend it had never been in my hands. That I had never been there reading it at all. "You know how it is."
Apprentice (Into the After Book 1) Page 9
