No one could know.
“Tari, it’s okay. Everything is okay.”
“You don’t understand.” I took a step closer to the door. “I have to go. We can’t do this.”
It was then that Tommen sped up, but not moving any closer to me. Instead, he was in front of the door, impossibly fast.
“Tari, no! Just listen to me for a second. That night, last year. When you kissed me.”
I could have sworn my heart stopped beating.
“You left so quickly, without really saying anything other than that you were sorry. And I definitely wasn’t. I still desperately wanted to talk to you. And kiss you again. And again. So instead I got it into my head that I’d put that book away for you, like maybe it would help you somehow. I don’t know. I was drunk.”
Tommen stopped talking, leaving me to fill in the blanks.
“You read it?”
“I did.”
“You know.” For one terrifying moment, I thought I might be sick, right there in my new kitchen. In the apartment I would probably have to move out of the next morning. “You’ve known this whole time. I don’t understand.”
“I’m not going to tell anyone. This doesn’t have to change anything.”
I couldn’t even manage to form words as my brain tried to put all the pieces together of what was happening around me.
Not only had the identity I’d cultivated come crashing down around me, but I hadn’t even noticed when it had happened. Tommen had known for a year and he hadn’t said a word.
And I couldn’t even be mad at him for it. I’d been keeping something far bigger from him.
“Stop looking at me like that,” I demanded, feeling myself shift to the defensive. I needed to protect myself. Not from Tommen, but from something.
“Like what?” Tommen’s voice was too soft, too calm. He was treating me like a caged animal, and probably for good reason.
“Like you aren’t mad at me. I lied to you! I’ve been lying for years.”
“Tari, it’s okay. I get it. At first, I was a little pissed. Or I thought I should be pissed. I’m not even sure. I kept telling myself I was angry with you, but then all I could really think about was the way you’d kissed me.”
“I only kissed you so you wouldn’t notice which book I’d been reading,” I pointed out, trying to get Tommen to be as angry with me as I was with myself.
“Yeah, I figured that out, thanks. And I’d probably be more upset about that if you hadn’t spent the last year kissing me, and the last few nights waking up in my arms. This all really can be okay. I’m not going to tell anyone. I’ll help protect you if I can.”
“How can you be so calm about this?”
“Honestly, seeing how upset you are about having kept this from me is taking a bit of a weight off my shoulder. You wanted to tell me, but you weren’t sure you could trust me. And maybe some of that is on me. Obviously I want to be someone you know you can trust. But reading that book, there was no denying that the Tari in that book was you. Which meant there was no way you could ever have been a librarian. And there’s no one I know more suited to being just that. I get it.”
“And you can forgive me for not telling you sooner? Because I understand if you can’t.”
“There’s nothing to forgive.”
We stayed there together, sitting on the couch for hours, past when the sun set, just talking. I told him everything I could remember, pointing out every place where I was untruthful or had deliberately avoided talking about my life before.
I relived the last battle of the S.S. Bastion, and reminisced about the boy I’d thought I’d loved back then, though I’d never seen him again since arriving in the After.
Tommen spent nearly an hour reliving his own experiences, learning my secrets, and trying to figure out if I’d ever have gotten up the nerve to tell him on my own.
I tried to explain that it wasn’t a matter of my not trusting him or anyone else, but when it came down to it, I could barely convince even myself, let alone Tommen.
In a way, it had all been about trust. Not trusting the Archive to take me as I was—which I still knew was the right call. Not trusting myself to keep my own secrets when a growing part of me wanted to share more of myself both with Tommen and with my new friends—could I even call them new friends anymore after three years? Probably not.
The hardest part came when we were discussing what all this meant for our future.
“So what’s next for you?” Tommen asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Does this change anything? My knowing. Are you still planning to...”
“Keep lying to everyone?” I filled in the blank for him. “Yes. What choice do I have? This has to stay between you and me. Otherwise, there’s no chance they’ll let me be a librarian. I’ve had a long time to think about this. It’s the only way.”
“To be fair, I’ve had a year to sit on this myself,” Tommen countered.
“And you think I should confess all my sins?” I sat back a little, pulling my hand away from where it had been sitting on top of Tommen’s. He’d told me again and again that this was all going to be okay, and that he wouldn’t tell.
And I’d believed him.
“You do whatever you have to do,” Tommen answered quickly. “I’ll back you, whatever you decide. I know how important becoming a librarian is to you, and how much you love the Archive. But I know you well by now, and I’m just not sure I can see a situation where you’d be able to pledge yourself to the Archive, the way things are now. With a lie in your heart, never quite sharing who you are.”
“I’m doing that because the Archive doesn’t want me the way I am.”
“No, the librarians don’t. There’s a difference.”
“There are rules.”
“Old rules. Ancient rules. Things have been changing in Sanctum, and a lot of people aren’t happy with some of those old rules. Maybe you can be a catalyst for change.”
“Maybe,” I agreed. “But the alternative is that I confess, nothing changes, and I’m kicked out. I can’t do it.” I had to appreciate how supportive Tommen was trying to be, but I’d had a lot more time to live with this than he had.
“Totally your decision,” Tommen said with a decisive nod. “But we’re okay?”
With one last kiss, I moved off the couch and away from Tommen. “We’re fine,” I promised. “But I’m still going to need to know where I can find that book.”
Chapter 15
There had been no chance I’d be able to wait until the next morning to go back to the Archive. Tommen had been able to remember exactly where he’d left my book, which section, which shelf. There was no way I was waiting another eight hours before dealing with the problem once and for all.
I’d already spent far too long not knowing what had happened.
I wasn't even sure which decision of mine should be haunting me the most. Instead, they all weighed on my mind. Being sloppy enough that Tommen had uncovered my secret. Not trusting in him enough to confide in him on my own.
I'd come so close to losing everything, and I hadn't even realized it.
But it would all be over soon.
I entered the Archive through the back door, passing by a sleeping librarian curled up on a sofa with a pile of books around him on my way to the stairwell.
Tommen had hidden Last Bastion of Humanity among the romance novels. Maybe on a different night I would have let myself dwell on what it was he was trying to say by that particular move. But as I moved up the stairs, intent on my purpose, I wouldn't let myself get distracted. Not again.
It was almost comical how quickly I found the book once I knew where to look, after looking for more than a year. I picked the paperback up and for a moment just enjoyed having the familiar weight of it in my hands again.
It looked exactly how I remembered it, a picture of the S.S. Bastion streaking off at light speed toward a far off galaxy emblazoned on the cover. In a way, it felt like
my book had truly belonged with me this whole time, instead of on some distant science-fiction shelf.
But because of what I'd done, it wouldn't get a chance to return to either of its homes.
No, if I wanted any chance of really building a future for myself without always wondering when it would all come crashing down, it had to go.
I shoved the book in the bag I had slung over my shoulder, covering it with notebooks and all the random personal crap I carried around most days.
But since I hadn’t received any training that told me exactly what security the Archive had, I couldn't just take the book and go. It had to look like an accident.
Even though Tommen was at home and waiting for me, I spent over an hour in the library, pretending to read some random book I picked up off the shelf. I ended up scanning that first page dozens of times before arbitrarily flipping to the second one, knowing I was never going to truly take in any of the story I was reading. Exaggerating a yawn, I left the book on the chair I'd been sitting on and headed for the back door. If I learned years later that there had never been any video surveillance to worry about, I would probably end up feeling ridiculous. But as it was, I felt a little relieved to know I had my bases covered, should anything go wrong.
There was something about my newfound sense of purpose, having found an answer to at least some my problems, that had me less worried than I had been in ages. Maybe a lifetime. I could do this. I could walk right out and no one would ever know that I had been the last person to hold this particular book in my hands. No one would ever even realize it was gone unless someone specifically came looking for it. It would just be an empty space on one bookcase of endless titles.
I jumped off the final step onto the ground floor with an exaggerated hop that didn't quite match the exhausted mentality I was trying to portray.
It was still the middle of the night, there would only be a few librarians around, and I already knew that at least one of them had been fast asleep an hour ago. In theory, I could walk right out the front door. But wanting to stick to the familiar path I'd taken in, I headed for the back door again instead.
I didn't pass a single person on my way out.
Everything went impossibly smoothly right until I tried to pass through the threshold from the library to the outside of the building.
One moment, I was moving forward. The next I was stopped in my tracks. Entirely unable to move even another inch forward.
I took a step backward and tried again, hoping that somehow this was all in my imagination. But the effect was the same. I couldn't pass under the doorframe separating the Archive from the rest of the world. Confused, I looked around but there was still no one else in sight.
I tried again, frantically trying to remember everything I ever learned about how the Archive worked. Maybe it was something about this particular door, since it was a passageway rather than a normal route back to the outside world. But in theory, passageways were supposed to act just like doors. I couldn't think of a single reason why I wasn't able to get back outside.
No reason, except for the book in my bag that I wasn't supposed to have.
There was no way I was walking out that door, with my book or any other.
I was going to need a new plan, but first I had no choice but to put my book back in its rightful place and hope that would be enough to keep me safe.
I turned around, intending to head back upstairs, no longer worried about putting on any kind of persona. At least with this newest development, I truly wouldn't have anything to hide. Besides the obvious.
"Apprentice Maiz," a voice called from across the way. For the second time that night, my heart must have stopped completely. I turned around to see who was calling me and found none other than Scholar Credence, almost jogging to catch up with me.
"Trying to sneak off with one of our books, are we?"
"Um, sir?"
"It was you wasn't it?" he asked, frowning. “We have an alarm in place that alerts us when someone is attempting to leave the building with one of our books. You’re the only person in the vicinity.”
"Umm, I don't think so." I silently prayed for my face to take on the clueless expression I was trying to portray.
Scholar Credence narrowed his eyes. "What are you doing here so late at night?"
"Just reading." It was the only explanation I could come up with, but at least I could safely fall back on a history of spending too much time in the Archive during my breaks, just reading and enjoying being around the books. Not that that was at all what I had been doing that night, but it had to be enough. Enough to make the councilor look the other way.
It just had to.
"Well then, can you check your bag for me? Just to make sure you don't have anything on you."
I made a big show of taking off the bag I had slung over my shoulder and rifling through it before, trying to look surprised, finding a book among my things.
"I'm so sorry," I said as I pulled Last Bastion of Humanity up and out of my bag, displaying it so that the back-cover copy and not the title was all Scholar Credence could see.
God's, what had I been thinking, trying to smuggle a book of the Archive? It had been reckless and stupid and I could be moments away from being arrested for trying to steal Archive property or something. I really didn't know what the consequences were for any of the things I'd done, only that they would cost me everything I’d worked for.
"It must've gotten mixed up in all my stuff. I really need to clean this bag out before fourth year starts." I looked pathetically over at the councilor, trying to read his expression but he wasn't giving me much to go on.
"Question for you. Any chance you've ever heard of the literati?" Scholar Credence’s face remained completely passive that there was no doubt in my mind he was testing me.
This time, I didn't even have to fake ignorance. I had no idea what he was talking about.
"I'm sorry sir, I don't." Inadvertently, I tilted my head a little bit, wondering what he was talking about but I had no intention of asking the question aloud. Somehow, I'd made it through this conversation without making things worse, and my new goal was to get out of it as quickly as possible and hopefully not raise any suspicions that might lead the Scholar to looking any further into our not-so-chance meeting.
I needed this night to be like it had never happened, especially now that I knew there was no way I was getting my book out of the Archive.
"Absolutely nothing to apologize for. We just had some trouble lately with an outside group believing they know better than we do as to how the Archive should be treated and what it can be used for. But we’ve had spells in place for years to ensure that no book ever leaves the premises. It's for everyone’s safety.”
“I really didn’t mean to take a book out with me. I’ve got plenty at home.”
After an eternity, Scholar Credence’s shoulders seemed to relax. "An honest mistake. This probably goes to show that you should be spending a little more time resting, and a little less time here.”
"Walk with me," the councilor said, beginning to move toward the opposite end of the Archive, not waiting to see if I would do as I'd been asked. There was no question of an apprentice disobeying one of the Archive’s councilors. I followed quickly behind, heart hammering in my chest as I wondered where we were going.
Maybe I hadn't gotten off as easily as I'd hoped.
"Apprentice Maiz, over the last three years you've certainly stood out as one of our most exciting new candidates. And while there is much the about the Archive that you will not learn until your initiation, I don't see the harm in filling you in on one of our secrets a little early."
I kept silent, not wanting to say anything to dissuade Scholar Credence’s current train of thought. Now, somehow, miraculously I was about to be rewarded for entering the Archive that night. It was good luck that I certainly didn't deserve.
"While the Archive doesn't have any natural defenses to ensure that books don't leave the buil
ding, we have long since had a system in place as a necessary precaution to protect the people who live here in the After."
I nodded, not sure if the councilor could see me in his peripheral vision but I still tried to appear attentive, which was easy as he had my complete attention.
"We say that the Archive is the heart of the After, we don't mean that figuratively. The books that are contained within the four branches of the Archive quite literally help shape the world we live in with both people and ideas. And we’ve learned the hard way that should any of the books within our protection be destroyed, then all traces of the impact they've had here are destroyed as well.
“For the most inconsequential books, this still means the destruction of every character who was brought from that book into our world, along with their descendants. For more substantial titles, ones that have had an undeniable cultural impact, the effect could in theory reshape whole cities, and destroy generations of people. And not in an unnoticeable, rewriting history sort of way. People will remember, and those people will mourn. Thankfully, it's been over a hundred years since anything like that has happened but we are still well aware of the consequences should any of the books in our charge come to harm."
I almost stopped walking entirely. I hadn't formed any sort of plan in terms of what I was going to do with Last Bastion of Humanity once I got it out of the door, and I liked to think I never would've considered destroying it as a way to ensure once and for all that the book could never be found, but I couldn't rule it out completely.
I would've murdered every person I'd ever known in my previous life, as well as ended my own existence in the process.
Still walking, I looked down at the book clenched in my hands, wanting to lock it up in a safe somewhere, where I could never get to it, where it could never come to any harm.
The councilor must've noticed my silence because he finally slowed and turned to look at me. "You look like you're about to be sick," he said with a chuckle, clearly amused by how horrified I was. "You have nothing to worry about. This is exactly why we have the perimeter of the Archive spelled so that no person carrying a book that belongs here will ever be able to leave with it. You weren’t going to do any harm."
Apprentice (Into the After Book 1) Page 13
