I sigh. I wonder if he can read my mind. “I don’t know yet.”
The man deserves to know his daughter if that’s what he wants. If I take the time to think about it now, though, I’ll probably cry. I’m not sure how I feel about Bianca going behind my back to find him. Sure, she has that right. He is her father, after all. But it is my place to protect her, and I have no idea what this man may or may not want out of this.
I need to talk to my brother, too. I have to weigh the very real possibility that James might fight me for Bianca. He may accuse me of trying to keep her from him, although that is certainly not true. If he has money—I don’t know the first thing about him—he could make this really difficult for me.
And then, of course, there’s the emotional aspect. If this really is my one-night stand from Las Vegas as he claims he is, then he is her father. It’s inevitable at this point that they will meet, and I can’t predict how that will play out, either.
“When you do know, will you share it with me?”
Something in Kingston’s tone worries me. I manage to turn over to face him, remaining in the cocoon of his arms. The room is dark, so I can’t see his face, but this feels more intimate.
“What do you want me to do?” I ask. I want his opinion. I want to know how he feels about all of this. I’m not sure why I do, but I do. I know he doesn’t think this is any of his business, but it is. If for no other reason than he’s my friend. For some reason, it matters to me what he thinks.
I get that the sex between us is off the charts. However, I have to keep reminding myself that this is an arrangement. Kingston has never made me any promises. I shouldn’t expect more from him than he’s willing to give. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that because this thing between us… It doesn’t feel pretend to me.
“It’s not up to me,” he says, his words soft. “Just … keep me in the loop.”
The way he says it seems so … distant. As though he’s on the outside looking in and whatever decision I make won’t affect him.
Not sure what else to say, I tell him that I will.
“And if you decide we need to end this … arrangement … let me know. I’ll talk to Amber or Phoenix or whoever and figure out another way to deal with…”
He doesn’t need to complete that sentence. Hell, he doesn’t need to say another word. A crack starts in my chest, and it fractures all the way through my heart. The pain… It takes my breath away. Why I thought he might want more from me, I’m not sure. Apparently I did think that, though. I thought we’d established something between us, but from his words, it seems awfully one-sided.
I want to ask him if he still sees this as an arrangement, but I don’t. I’m not sure I can handle the brutal honesty. If he felt something more for me, he wouldn’t have said it like that.
Suddenly, his arms no longer feel comforting. I feel like I’m suffocating, so I force myself to turn back over, away from him.
It’s a damn good thing I didn’t tell him how I really feel.
Having my heart handed back to me isn’t something I want to deal with right now.
Or hell, ever.
42
Ellie
Saturday, December 10th
“That’s all he said,” Noelle repeats for probably the tenth time since we sat down at this table.
“How do you even know this is really her father?” Spencer counters, not once looking at Noelle when he speaks.
I called my brother and asked him to meet me at the Penalty Box so I could share this information with him. I wasn’t sure if Kingston was going to run off and do that, and I definitely didn’t want Spencer to hear it from someone else first. My brother has always been there for me, and I know he’d be hurt if I didn’t tell him what happened as soon as it happened.
When he walked into the restaurant, it took everything in my power not to run into his arms and let him hug me and tell me that everything would be okay. Only, if he had, it would’ve been a lie, because even if he could fix the big issue here, he couldn’t fix all my issues.
“We don’t know that,” Noelle states more firmly.
She also isn’t looking at Spencer.
Quite frankly, it’s a little awkward sitting here with these two while they pretend I’m the only one at the table with them. I’m not sure what’s going on with them, but … I wish they’d figure it out and quick. When I was looking at the Facebook post that Noelle found for me—apparently Bianca blocked everyone except for the bar’s Facebook page—I could sense them sitting there, ignoring one another. It was weird then and it’s still weird now.
“So, why didn’t you know that Bianca was posting this?” Spencer asks.
I glare at my brother. I can hear the insinuation in his tone. He might not out-and-out say he thinks I’ve done something wrong, but his tone says everything for him.
“Well, for one, she didn’t tell me. And two, gosh, I don’t know, Spencer… She. Didn’t. Tell. Me.” I say the last part with all the frustration that has built inside me since the second I opened my eyes this morning.
“Not to mention, she created a fake account,” Noelle adds. “Clearly she knew what she was doing. She didn’t want you to find out and since you diligently monitor her social media accounts”—Noelle tone drips with sarcasm, obviously for Spencer’s benefit—“she knew she had to do something or you’d find out.”
I watch Spencer. I can’t tell what he’s thinking.
“But it doesn’t matter,” Noelle continues. “What’s done is done. And now he did find you and he left his phone number. He said to have you call him as soon as possible.”
“And then what?” Spencer inquires, his hazel eyes pinned on me.
I shrug. I really don’t know what’s going to happen next. “I need to call him, I guess. I’ve got to confirm he is who he says he is. Then, if that goes well, I’ll meet with him.”
That’s the most troubling part. The not knowing what he’s going to want out of this.
“I want to be there when you do.”
I glare at my brother. “That’s not gonna happen.” Sure, I love my brother, but talk about making a bad situation worse. I can picture Spencer punching James in the face, angry at the man who knocked his sister up and left her to raise the kid on her own.
Only James didn’t know about Bianca. It really wasn’t his fault.
Spencer leans forward and puts his arm on the table. “I don’t like the idea of you meeting this guy by yourself.”
“It’s not like I’m gonna meet him at a hotel room.”
“No?” His eyes drop to the table and he mumbles, “Wouldn’t be the first time.”
I feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I can’t believe my brother said that. I stare at him, hoping the tears I feel forming don’t get a chance to fall. I don’t want him to see how much he hurt me.
“What the fuck is your problem?” Noelle hisses, her attention turning to him for the first time in the past half hour. “Why the hell would you say something like that?”
Spencer still doesn’t look at her, and I wish I knew what was going on with them. Clearly something happened. Something bad if their attitudes are anything to go by.
The door opens and I look up in time to see Kingston walking in. His gaze immediately slides my way. He watches me for a minute, but instead of joining us, he walks right to the bar and orders an iced tea.
My brother slaps the table and gets to his feet. “When you figure this out, let me know. Don’t you dare go meet him without telling me when and where. Someone has to watch out for you.”
I don’t bother to argue. He’s not going to listen to me anyway.
“Why didn’t Kingston come over here?” Noelle asks, pivoting in her seat to glance over at the bar.
“Don’t know.” I kind of do know, but I’m not in the mood to talk about it. When I woke up this morning, Kingston was gone. Not only was he gone from my bed, he was gone from my house. He didn’t leave a note, didn’t send a t
ext. Just vanished.
If I share that news with Noelle right now, I might lose the fragile grip I have on my sanity. It’s possible I might have whiplash from how quickly everything changed. One second, we’re on a date, then next, he’s putting this wall between us. All because of a phone call I haven’t even bothered to make yet.
“Well, if you want me to come with you when you meet with James, I will.”
“I need to call him,” I tell her. “Until I do that, I don’t know what’s gonna happen.”
“Just let me know, sweetie. I’ve got your back.”
At least someone does.
My eyes instantly move across the room to lock on Kingston once again. He’s not looking at me, which only makes my heart hurt more. I push it away, refusing to acknowledge it. Right now, I have more than enough to deal with, and if Kingston wants to ignore me, that’s his business.
No. Wait. I’m not letting him simply turn his back and walk away. There are a lot of things that aren’t being said between us, but there’s one thing that has to be said.
And if that pisses him off … well, I’m sorry.
Kingston
When I walked into the Penalty Box and saw Ellie with Spencer and Noelle, I knew instantly what they were discussing. It definitely wasn’t a conversation about me and Ellie, because I seriously doubt she would share those details with her brother.
However, she would seek them out to talk about James and Bianca.
I had originally come in with the hopes of apologizing to her for leaving this morning. I didn’t have a good reason, other than it had been a moment of panic. After lying awake for most of the night, holding her in my arms, I’d worked myself up good. I know my fear is all in my head, and I’m already playing out scenarios that could possibly never happen, but I can’t seem to stop. The idea of James coming into her life…
Even thinking the man’s name makes my stomach hurt.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
I glance over to see Ellie standing at my side. I turn to my left to see Spencer sitting at the bar. He came and took that spot not long after I walked in, but the guy hasn’t said a single word.
I turn back to Ellie. “Yeah. Sure.”
“Can we go to my office?” she asks.
“Why don’t we go outside?” I suggest. I really don’t want to be in her office. I’m not sure I can be alone with her and not… Yeah. Can’t do it.
“Okay.”
I follow Ellie outside and then around to the side of the building. The wind is brutal today, and I see that Ellie’s only wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt. This was a stupid idea. She’s going to freeze her ass off.
“I don’t know what’s going on here,” she says, gesturing between us, “but I hope you’re not mad at me because of this James thing.”
James thing? Is that what she’s calling it? The father of her child, a man she has hoped she’d one day find so Bianca could know him, coming back into her life is a “thing”?
It pisses me off that she can be so blasé about it. It’s tearing me up inside, and she sees it as a goddamn “thing.”
Ellie doesn’t see my disappointment. She just keeps talking. “I don’t know why Bianca didn’t tell me that she was looking for him, and I still have to address that, but if this man really is her father…”
“He needs to be a part of her life,” I say for her. “I’m not an asshole, Ellie. If he is her father, that’s a good thing.”
For Bianca. For Ellie.
Certainly not for me.
“It is.” The way she says it doesn’t hold nearly the conviction I thought it would.
It’s my turn to speak, so I lay it all out there. “And I decided last night, I’m going to give you some space to deal with this.”
Ellie frowns. “Space?”
“Yeah. You’ve got a lot going on and … well, I do, too. I need to focus on my game.”
I continue to watch Ellie, and I swear I see tears form in her eyes, but no sooner do I see them than they’re gone.
“Okay then.” She doesn’t argue.
“I’m still here,” I tell her. “If you need anything at all.”
She looks up at me, holding my stare for the longest time before she finally speaks. “I really didn’t mean to make this weird between us, Kingston.”
I swallow hard, not able to speak.
“I know we were both worried about our friendship … and I guess bringing sex into it made it awkward. No matter what, I don’t want to lose that.”
I nod. Ellie did tell me in the beginning that this was only temporary. I guess I didn’t realize the expiration date would come quite so quickly.
“Like I said, I’m here. Whatever you need.” And I mean that with my whole heart, although I don’t tell her as much.
43
Kingston
Thursday, December 15th
I don’t think I’ve looked forward to an away game as much as I have this week.
However, I’m not in the zone where I should be.
As I pace back and forth, waiting to go out on the ice, I feel my anxiety. The way I left things with Ellie doesn’t sit right with me. For whatever reason, I felt the need to put some space between us. It’s a self-preservation thing, I think. I’m almost certain that I’ve fallen in love with this woman, and with Bianca’s dad making an appearance in her life, I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know how things will play out. I should probably try to dig deeper, but I could tell Ellie was panicked from the phone call alone. I don’t want to cause her any more undue stress. This is going to be hard enough for her without me becoming an insecure asshole on top of it.
“Rush!”
I look up to see the team walking toward the rink, and I force myself to ignore my thoughts. This is the shit I should’ve left in the locker room. My focus should be on the game, on my place between the pipes. When my skates hit the ice, I wait for the calm to take over, but it’s absent. I’m fidgety and antsy. As I make my way to the net, I try to focus on my gear, needing to ensure it’s not too loose. I briefly glance at my stick, not even remembering that I taped it.
This isn’t good.
Tonight’s game was the icing on a shitty week all the way around. We lost both games, due in no small part to my lack of concentration. We have another game on Monday, but I’m sure Coach will put Locke in if I don’t get my head out of my ass.
Maybe that’s for the best. I’m sure he could do a better job than I can right now, anyway. It doesn’t matter how I try to psych myself up, it’s not working. I’m not big on feeling sorry for myself, yet that’s exactly how I feel.
Like a pathetic ass.
I’ve managed to keep my distance from Ellie. We shared a couple of texts since I saw her on Saturday, but nothing more than that. I haven’t been in the mood to talk to anyone. I’m sure it’s evident in the way I carry myself, in the smartass comments I’ve been making to anyone and everyone around me. I’m pissed and I don’t know why.
Okay, that’s a lie on both fronts. One, I do know what the problem is, and two, I’m not pissed. I’m actually confused as fuck.
Here I was, moving along with Ellie, and out of the blue, this man comes into the picture. She doesn’t know him from Adam, but at one time he was all up inside her—a visual image that makes me want to put my fist through the wall—getting her pregnant and all but ensuring he would get to be a part of her life indefinitely. I know she’ll want to get to know him. Why wouldn’t she? She had a kid with the guy. It doesn’t even matter—and it probably never will—that I’ve been there for Bianca far longer than he has been. I love that kid more than he ever possibly could. We don’t have to share the same blood to be family, and that’s how I feel about her.
This is killing me slowly.
“You want another?” the bartender asks as he passes by me.
I glance down at the Jack and Coke, or what’s left of it, anyway. I nod. Why the hell not? I’m not going anywhere else tonight exc
ept up to my room. I might as well drink until I feel no pain.
Something has to stop this ache that has consumed me.
I’ve purposely not mentioned James’s name to Ellie because I don’t want to know the details. I don’t want her to tell me that she called him or went to see him or, worse, let Bianca meet him. I prefer to be blessedly ignorant in that regard. But then I spend all my time wondering if she called him or went to see him or, worse, let Bianca meet him. It’s a no-win situation. Not knowing hurts as much as knowing.
Why the fuck did this guy have to show up now? Just when things are getting good. What if Ellie falls in love with him? Or even if she simply wants to be with him so they can raise Bianca together. Where the fuck does that leave me?
“Here you go.” The Jack and Coke appears in front of me. “This one’s on the house.”
“Thanks,” I mumble, wishing I could appear more appreciative.
Right now, I simply don’t have it in me.
Meanwhile, in hockey news…
“Jim, are you as baffled as I am? I’m not sure exactly what happened out there tonight. This Arrows team certainly isn’t the one that came roaring out of the gate at the beginning of the season.”
“I completely agree, Ed. Look back at the highlights from the net tonight. Rush looked like a rookie out there.”
“You’re right, Jim. Nothing like the seasoned goaltender we know him to be. I’d be tempted to say he looks a lot like he did at the end of last season.”
“He was all over the place. Three goals on him and I guarantee you, all three of those he would want to give back.”
“Those were the types of goals, Jim, that a net minder gets ninety-nine point nine percent of the time. Never fail. Yet tonight…”
“It was like he wasn’t even there, Ed. Not even there. I don’t know why Moen kept him in the game.”
“I don’t know, Jim. The Arrows are going to have to ramp it up if they want to make it to the postseason this year. A couple of bad games won’t do any damage, but they can’t let it get out of control. That’s what happened to them for the past two years. I only hope Moen’s keeping his thumb on these guys. They’ve got a solid team, but a few more games like this… They’ll be right back where they were last year.”
The Season: Rush (Austin Arrows #1) Page 32
