He’s so warm, and I just want to touch him again. But I don’t dare.
“No, I’m sorry. That was a bad reaction.” He looks so torn, and I don’t know what to do to make it better. I want to soothe him, to apologize for the person I can’t remember I was. Clearly I hurt this man, and I wish—God, do I wish—I could remember why. The awkwardness between us right now is so thick it’s practically another entity in the booth.
I spot a jukebox in a corner of the bar. “I’m going to go see what they have,” I say, making an excuse, and he nods, looking lost in his thoughts.
Sliding out of the booth, I go over and start to read all the names of the songs, taking my time so Matt can gather himself—and maybe even so I can get my feelings in order.
I’m so focused that I don’t notice Matt coming up behind me. “Come on. Let’s dance,” he says.
I furrow my brow. Two minutes ago he flinched when I touched him, and now he wants to dance?
“You like to dance and I feel like a jerk. So please put me out of my misery and give me this dance, April.” He smiles, and I see his dimples appear. God, he’s so beautiful.
“Okay.”
He presses the button for an old eighties ballad, one I remember, and it comes on. He takes my hand and spins me once around before pulling me tightly against him, causing me to yelp and giggle. It feels so good to laugh. There’s no one else dancing, but I don’t care because it feels so good to be held by Matt.
“We came here a few times and you’d blindly pick a song and then force me to dance with you. Sometimes they were nice, like this one, but sometimes they weren’t. Like when ‘The Macarena’ came on,” he says with a distracted smile, remembering.
“Sounds fun.”
“It was.” He spins me around again and we both move to the beat. I can’t help but tuck my head into the crook of his neck. I feel so safe and at peace with him. Plus the song has a sexy vibe to it, and the way our hips sway together…God, I wonder how long it’s been since I was with a man. Was he the last one I was with? Am I that desperate that a little gyration turns me on?
As the song is finishing, he twirls me one more time and finally dips me playfully, careful with my arm. We’re so close I can smell the beer on his breath, and I so badly want him to kiss my lips. But he stands me up and gives me a peck on the cheek.
He tucks my hair behind my ear, his thumb grazing my cheek. “Go sit. Food should be out soon. I have to go to the restroom first.” He’s looking at me funny. But he’s not upset anymore, and he doesn’t look uncomfortable. Something has shifted between us, and I wish I could read him better to understand what it is.
Matt
Fuck! My dick is throbbing. Why does she affect me on such a visceral level? It’s like my cock doesn’t give a shit about being mad. All it wants is to be inside of her.
And the rest of my body…
In the last few days, I’ve stopped seeing her as June. She’s April, a sweet lost woman living with me. A woman who is trying so hard to remember, to recover, and to let me know how grateful she is for my help. But then her fiery side comes out, or she touches me, and bam! All these memories start surfacing.
The thing is, though, they’re not all tainted anymore. The anger is there, but it’s diminished to a simmer now. I see all the ways April really was present the entire time, and it thaws my heart.
Except right now…the way she was pressed up against me, the smell of her hair, the way those clear eyes were looking at me…I want her. I want her so bad it hurts.
And when I dipped her and she giggled, the memory of the last time we were here at this bar comes flooding back.
“That was fun. I like that place,” she says as we walk into her apartment.
“I think you like humiliating me.”
“Me?” she says coyly. “No. I just like to dance.”
“Really? You like to dance to rap?” I love her silly little jukebox Russian roulette.
“Yes, actually I do,” she sasses with a smirk.
We go into her bedroom and while she changes clothes I walk around the room, looking idly at its contents. Then I spy a box under the bed, just peeking out.
“What’s this?”
She’s not really paying much attention until I slide the box out. Then she leaps over me and tackles me. “Nothing. It’s nothing,” she yelps.
Of course, now I have to know what she’s hiding. So I fight her off, and she’s somewhere between laughing and pleading. I can’t tell if she’s mad or embarrassed or what, but I open the box anyway.
“Oh, well, look at that,” I say, looking at a big pink vibrator, a small silver one the size of my thumb, and a glass dildo. “Even your dildos are classy,” I chuckle as she slumps forward and covers her eyes. “I can’t believe I found the toy box. The holy grail. Don’t be embarrassed, Junebug.”
She groans and rolls over onto her back, her eyes covered by her forearm. “Is there a hole I can crawl into anywhere around here?”
Putting down the dildo, I take out the big pink vibrator. “Speaking of holes…” I waggle my eyebrows, then plop onto the bed and make my way over to her. “Let me see yours.”
She uncovers her eyes and looks at me, her blue eyes the size of saucers. “I cannot believe you just said that.” She laughs and tries to move, but I grab her ankle and slide her to me.
“Woman, let’s not even pretend you want to leave. I’m about to make you feel so fucking good, you’ll probably beg me to move in.”
“Doubtful.”
“Is that a challenge I hear? Nothing makes me try harder than a challenge.” I crawl up over her body, holding my weight up with my forearms, and begin to kiss her. I know her sweet spot, and when I lick right under her ear she moans loudly. She pulls the back of my shirt over my head and tries to undo my pants, but I stop her, grabbing the vibrator.
“Show me how you use this,” I whisper in her ear. She shakes her head. I turn it on, and it vibrates loudly. I run it down her body. Sitting up, I move the vibrator from one nipple to the other until she’s squirming under me. “Show me, woman.”
“No.”
“No?” I shift myself back so I’m hovering by her knees. Her legs are closed and I move the vibrator lower still, past her belly button to her pelvis, where she should have a small patch of hair, but she keeps it bare. “Should I go lower?” I move it just a little lower, but with her legs shut tight, I can’t press it where I want to. She arches her back and I can hear the humming from the toy. “What does this little part do?” I ask, running it along the edge of her pussy. “Is this for your clit? This goes into your pussy while this works your clit?” She doesn’t answer.
“So quiet, my Junebug. I guess I’ll just have to see for myself.” I move to the side and part her thighs. She doesn’t push me away. Hell, she’s not even shying away. I can see her glistening pussy lips, and I know this is turning her on as much as it is me. “I think you need a little lube first.”
“I don’t have—” she begins, but when my tongue goes straight inside of her she shuts up and begins to writhe under me.
She is so fucking wet. “I guess you don’t need any help after all,” I tease, wiping my lips. I put the tip of the vibrator on her opening and watch her as I push it in. Our eyes never part and it is the most unbelievably erotic thing I’ve ever seen in my whole goddamn life. I just started and I think she’s about to come. I take it out and then slide it back in, over and over, until she’s completely gone. Her eyes are closed and she’s moaning and yelling and fucking begging. “I need—I need…Oh God, I…Matt,” she moans loudly as I pump the toy into her. My cock is so fucking hard, I think I’m going to come before she does, and she hasn’t even touched me yet. Her legs part even further and the smaller arm of the vibrator hits her clit with every single pump, and then she’s off. She comes so hard and so intensely that I’m absolutely sure her neighbors heard her. Without giving her any reprieve, I unzip my pants, push them down, pull her head to the side,
and thrust my cock in her mouth. She grips it tightly and works me so fucking good that three strokes later, I’m coming hard as fuck in her mouth.
I’m lying there in a daze, all my energy drained from my body, when I hear her say, “Get that shit out of me.” I didn’t even realize the vibrator’s still inside her. I pull it out slowly, toss it aside, and then roll over to her side, still trying to catch my breath. “You sucked the life out of me, woman.”
She laughs and gets comfortable against me. And there, on the old carpet of her small apartment, with the feistiest woman I’ve ever known cuddled up next to me, I fall asleep. I never make it to work that night.
Sometime in the middle of the night, I wake up, and June is on top of me, riding me slowly. Lazily. Fucking fantastically. And I love that we can go from crazed wild sex to making love. The next day I wake up more satiated and more content than I’ve ever been my whole entire life.
There is absolutely no way that that night was a lie. I know it in my bones.
Chapter 12
April
I know that Matt can’t stay here and babysit me all day. He’s been by my side since I got out of the hospital. For the most part he hasn’t been trying to avoid me as much anymore and helps me whenever I need it. He takes me to the doctor and brought me more clothes from my apartment. He asks how I feel, and he makes sure I’m eating and taking my meds. Katie comes over often to help me with my clothes and showers. I’m thanking my lucky stars for Katie. She’s sweet, and even though she can be a little awkward sometimes, she is nothing but helpful.
Yesterday, over glasses of wine (for her) and water (for me), she told me about her agoraphobia and PTSD, and now her slight hesitation makes sense. It’s not so much that she’s awkward as that she’s trying to avoid uncomfortable situations. She also told me all about their friends Geo and David, who’ll be around more often, and I’m excited to meet them too. Somehow knowing that these people are close by makes me feel a little less alone.
Every time I close my eyes I have the same nightmare. It’s just me, lying alone in pain. There’s a lot of darkness and confusion and I can’t find my way. I see quick vignettes of things. A man wearing ripped jeans and a dirty wife-beater is standing over me. Ice cream. The street. Frustrated, I try to force myself to remember, but nothing comes to mind.
I’m sitting on Matt’s couch, watching a home decorating show, when Matt walks out of his room. I can’t help but stare. He’s in a tailored black suit, crisp white shirt, and black tie. He’s clipping on his cuff links distractedly while I take him in. His hair is a little longer, still short, but long enough that he has to brush it to the side. He also shaved, and you’d think that because his face is completely smooth, he’d look younger, but it’s the opposite, really. The lack of stubble accentuates his roman nose, the sharp lines of his jaw, and his brilliant deep green eyes. “Damn it,” he curses, clearly having trouble with one of the cuff links.
“You want help with that?”
He looks over at me and then down to my cast. “I can move my fingers,” I say, wiggling my fingers and then opening my hand. He takes two long strides to me and places the cuff link on my palm. I struggle to get the pin in the hole—not because of my broken arm, but because this close I can smell him, and damn, he smells good. Like fresh soap and aftershave. I clear my throat and concentrate. “All done.”
“I have to go to work tonight. You’ll be okay?”
“Yes.”
“You have Katie’s number if you need anything. She’s right upstairs.”
“Yeah, I know. Don’t worry about me. I’m going to watch TV for a little bit longer and then go to bed.”
He lifts his arm, his sleeve moving up a little, exposing a sliver of the black tattoo that goes up his right arm, and looks at the time on his big expensive-looking chrome watch. “You have to take your pain meds soon. How’s your stomach feeling? I notice you’re able to eat a little more lately.”
“I feel better. That shot I take, damn, it hurts. I can’t believe I’ve been doing that for years.”
“It’s what’s kept your Crohn’s under control, so keep doing it. I can help you if you want.”
“Nah. I’m okay. I think I’m going to skip the pain meds tonight, actually. My arm and head aren’t hurting much.”
“You sure? It’s better to take it before the pain starts.”
“I’m okay. Really.”
“Good. Well, see you later.”
“See you later, Matt.”
As soon as Matt is gone, I settle back into the couch to watch reruns of Friends. I remember the show vividly even though I’m laughing as if it’s the first time I’ve ever seen it. Funny how I can remember everything from years ago but can’t remember what happened last month. I’m giggling, head resting on the arm of the sofa, legs extended, when I hear a noise. Almost like footsteps. Quickly I bring my legs forward and sit upright, turning off the TV in the process.
Sitting still, I listen for sounds, but there’s nothing. I must be imagining it. After a few moments I release a deep breath, and I’ve just started to get comfortable again when I hear the noise again, except this time it’s much louder and it feels like it’s coming from around me. My heart starts to beat so fast, I think it may just leave my body. I look around when I hear it again, this time getting up off the couch and gripping the remote tightly, as if it’s a weapon. The noise gets louder and louder, and this time I think it’s coming from the front door, but I know it’s not a knock. It’s almost like a rasp, as if someone’s trying to get inside. I run to the closest bedroom, shut and lock the door, and look around. I run to the opposite end of the room, duck into the corner between the nightstand and the wall, and shut my eyes, trying to stop shaking.
Matt
I spend all night working and checking my phone ready to run home if April needs me. But she hasn’t called and I know I’m being overly concerned for no reason. It’s past three in the morning when I walk in my apartment. Before going to shower, I walk to her room and open the door slightly to make sure she’s sleeping safely, but I’m surprised to see the bed is made and the room is empty.
Concerned, I go out to the balcony to see if maybe she fell asleep outside. It’s empty.
Starting to become worried, I go to my room. She’s not in my bed, but I see her blue cast sticking out from next to my bed, by the nightstand. Scared shitless, I run to her side. “April?” I shake her, kneeling down next to her. “April? Are you okay? What happened?” I’m frantic. In a daze she opens her eyes and sits up.
“Matt?” She looks around. “Oh God, I’m sorry—I fell asleep.” Then she throws her arms around me. I hesitate for a moment before I wrap my arms around her and help her to her feet, then to the edge of my bed.
“What happened? Why are you on the floor? Are you hurt?”
“I got scared. I heard a noise coming from outside, and then I think I may have remembered the attack or some of it. I’ve been having these nightmares…Anyway, I ran in here and hid, and now…” She’s talking so fast, it’s hard to keep up. “I’m a mess. I’m so frustrated.” She hits her head with her good hand. “Why can’t I just remember?”
“Hey,” I begin, taking her hand and holding it so she doesn’t continue to hurt herself. “It’s okay. You’ve been through a lot. Of course you’re scared. You should’ve called me. Why haven’t you told me about the nightmares?”
“You’re being so helpful, and I can’t continue to burden you with more crap.”
“You’re not a burden. You’re going through a bad time. We’ve all had those times, April.” I kiss the top of her head and stand up. “Get in bed. I’m going to take a shower. Will you be okay for a few minutes?”
“You want me to sleep here?”
“I want you to sleep wherever you feel the safest. I can go sleep over in the next room.”
“Do you…I mean, if it’s okay…do you maybe think you can sleep here too? With me?”
I pause, disconcerte
d. “Are you sure?”
“If you’re okay with it. It’s weird, right? Never mind.”
“No. It’s fine. Give me a second.”
I leave the room knowing my jaw is twitching. After June left, I had no one. Well, that’s not exactly true—I had my brother—but I needed her. I needed someone to do for me what I’m doing for her now. I know it’s petty and selfish, and even though I’m trying really hard to get to know April and forget about June, I still have my moments, like right now, when anger fogs my thoughts.
But I don’t know what the hell to say to her. I felt the bottom fall out from under me just now when I saw her on the floor. If something happened to her, I don’t know what I’d do. But then I’m still angry. I’m overwhelmed with all the feelings I’m having.
When I get back to the room, she’s already asleep, a tiny ball on the left side of the bed. I lie down on top of the covers, my hands behind my head, and stare at the ceiling fan go round and round.
For some reason I can’t stop thinking about my father. I haven’t visited my father in months, and the last time I went to the prison to see him, we argued and I walked out, leaving Nick alone with him. There are so many people I’m angry with these days, I don’t know where to start. I don’t like the person I’ve become. Something’s got to change, and soon, or else I’m going to lose everything.
The sun is barely up when I wake because something is tickling my face. Blond hair. It’s all over me. April’s cuddled up to my side, her familiar scent all over me. And I can’t even blame her because my legs are wrapped around hers and my cock is rock hard. She moves slightly against my thigh, and my dick gets harder. I shift a little, but she moves with me, her palm sliding up and down my bare chest. A small whimper escapes her mouth. Her T-shirt has shifted and I can see a little of her pink nipple. Fuck me—I want to put it in my mouth and bite it, just the way I know she likes it. She’s rubbing herself against my thigh, and I wonder if she’s awake. I swipe her hair away from her face and see that her eyes are definitely closed. She’s asleep. I can’t do this. God, I want to, but I can’t. I know I’ll regret it. I’m still unsure how I feel about her, and she doesn’t remember anything. I can’t take advantage of the situation.
Make Me Stay: The Panic Series Page 17
