‘She wanted to guilt-trip me about my mother,’ said Shelby. ‘What else?’
‘Did she have any luck?’ Chloe asked.
‘What do you think?’ Shelby asked. ‘Hey, honey, I need to run inside and powder my nose.’
‘What about Jeremy?’
‘It will only take one minute,’ said Shelby.
‘He’ll think I forgot about him,’ said Chloe.
Shelby recognized the anxiety in Chloe’s eyes. Chloe tried to be a perfect mother. She had cooked and pureed Jeremy’s baby food from organic vegetables, rushed him to the doctor if he so much as turned pale, and was a housekeeper whose neatness bordered on obsession. She only worked part time at the medical practice so that Jeremy wouldn’t have to spend his time in day care. ‘No honey, we’ll be there in plenty of time. He’ll be OK. Can you let me in?’ she said.
Chloe gave a small sigh and led the way back to the front door. It was a narrow, low-ceilinged house which, along with its neighbors, had been built on the hillside that rose above the Main Street of Manayunk. This part of the city, along the banks of the Schuylkill River, had once been a neighborhood of factory workers. In recent years it had become a popular neighborhood for young people with more energy than money. Rob, a social worker, had bought this house with Lianna, his first wife. When their daughter, Molly, was eight years old, Lianna, who suffered from headaches, sought treatment from a highly recommended neurologist named Harris Janssen. At the time, Chloe was a receptionist in Dr Janssen’s practice. She watched the affair unfold, and ended up giving advice and comfort to Lianna’s miserable husband. Lianna divorced Rob and married the neurologist who was treating her. Now, Lianna, Molly, and Harris lived in a sprawling stone colonial in the upscale suburb of Gladwyne.
Not long after, Chloe and Rob were married in a quiet ceremony and Chloe moved into the Manayunk house. She removed every trace of Rob’s former life except for Molly’s room which Rob had insisted be kept exactly the same for his daughter’s visits. It was in Molly’s room that Shelby would be staying while she cared for Jeremy. To Chloe’s annoyance, Rob had insisted on asking his daughter’s permission, but Shelby was not offended. On the contrary, she thought it showed a healthy respect for Molly and her space.
Chloe’s house was, as always, immaculate, the walls hung with the quilts she had made herself, and a ceramic pitcher of perfectly fresh flowers on the dining room table. You’d never know a child lived here, Shelby thought. Their apartments had always been chaotic and strewn with toys throughout Chloe’s childhood. She could never understand how Chloe managed to keep her own house perfectly tidy. Shelby made a quick trip to the tiny downstairs powder room beneath the staircase while Chloe waited, and then they went back outside. Chloe got into the front seat of her own car, which was parked in front of the house, on the passenger side. Shelby walked around and opened the driver’s side door.
‘Do you want to take my car, honey?’ she asked.
Chloe looked at her in disbelief. ‘Your car does not have a car seat, mom. A child cannot ride in a car without a car seat,’ she explained, as if Shelby had suggested decapitation as a method of curing a headache.
‘Oh right, of course,’ said Shelby. ‘OK.’
Shelby pushed some food wrappers aside and got into the driver’s seat of Chloe’s car. She was struck, as she had often been in the past, by the fact that the inside of the car was a mess. It seemed to be the one place where Chloe’s compulsive neatness was not in control. The front and back seats both were littered with empty water bottles, juice boxes, food wrappers, catalogs, and papers. There was change scattered over the floor mats as if someone had opened the door and hurled in a handful. Shelby glanced over at her daughter. ‘Don’t you want to drive?’ she asked. ‘You know the way.’
‘I’ll give you directions,’ said Chloe. ‘You’ll need to drive my car this week, because you cannot take Jeremy in your car. Not without a car seat.’
‘I won’t. I promise,’ said Shelby.
‘So, you need to get used to this car,’ said Chloe.
‘I think I’ll get the hang of it pretty easily,’ said Shelby.
Chloe frowned. ‘Every car is different.’
‘Sweetie, it’s not like I’m trying to fly a plane here. It’s a car.’
‘I’d feel better,’ Chloe insisted, ‘knowing you had already tried it.’
‘OK, sure,’ said Shelby, turning on the engine.
‘Take the first right and then you’re going to go three-quarters of a mile,’ said Chloe, ‘until you see our church. You’ve been there before.’
Shelby nodded and began to drive. She knew that Jeremy’s preschool was located in the church basement. It always sounded strange to her ears to hear Chloe talk about her church. Shelby had not raised Chloe in any religion, but when Chloe married Rob, she adopted his faith. His parents were missionaries in Southeast Asia, and Rob’s background had been extremely religious. Shelby made it a point to be respectful of their choice, even though it seemed foreign to her. She glanced over at her daughter, and was shocked to see tears standing in her eyes. ‘Chloe, what’s the matter?’
‘I just hate leaving Jeremy. It’s going to be so hard on him to be without us for a week.’
Shelby felt vaguely insulted at the image of Jeremy, miserable in her care, but she knew it was just Chloe, dreading the separation. Mother and son had spent very little time apart. ‘I’ll keep him busy. Don’t worry,’ said Shelby. ‘He’ll be fine.’
‘I hope so,’ said Chloe.
‘Aren’t you excited about the cruise?’ Shelby asked.
‘It will be good to get away for a while,’ Chloe admitted.
‘No going to work or making beds or meals for a week,’ said Shelby.
‘I could use a break,’ Chloe admitted with a sigh. ‘Not from Jeremy but . . . We never have time alone. Rob and I. I think we need that.’
‘You should call me more often. You know I’m happy to watch Jeremy.’
‘I know how demanding your job is,’ Chloe said, sounding vaguely rueful.
‘Didn’t you tell me that Molly was old enough to babysit these days?’
Chloe shrugged. ‘She’s only thirteen. I have to go pick her up, and take her home to their big mansion and make small talk with Lianna. Not exactly pleasant.’
‘I suppose not,’ said Shelby.
‘And now Lianna is pregnant. And, of course, she has to go to Dr Cliburn,’ Chloe said, referring to the ob-gyn for whom she worked. ‘So I have to see her there too. I just hope she doesn’t decide to run off with him now`.’
‘Come on now,’ Shelby chided her with a smile.
‘Well, I wouldn’t put it past her,’ said Chloe. ‘Men never see through her. They all think she’s so . . . perfect. Even after what she did to Rob – leaving him for Dr Janssen – he won’t allow any criticism of her.’
‘Well, she is Molly’s mother. And Rob respects that. He’s a very concerned father,’ Shelby reproved her gently. ‘To both of his children. You’re lucky. A lot of men wouldn’t care.’
Chloe’s voice sounded small and bitter. ‘Like my father.’
Shelby always felt guilty for the effect that loss had had on Chloe’s life. ‘I’m just saying that you married a good man. You made a wise choice.’
‘Over there,’ said Chloe, pointing at a buff-colored brick building with a large, unadorned cross at the peak of the roof. ‘There it is.’
Shelby obediently pulled over to the curb, where all the other parents were waiting. Chloe gazed through the windshield with a blank look in her eyes. Her long, thin fingers twisted in her lap. She was wearing an oversize, beat-up leather jacket, one of her flea market finds, over her scrubs, which made her look small and fragile.
Shelby frowned at her. ‘Are you OK, honey?’
Chloe did not reply.
Just then, the doors of the parish hall opened and kids began to pour out. Shelby studied each little face, her heart hammering like a teenager trying to
catch a glimpse of a boy she had a crush on. Suddenly, she recognized him, and at the same minute he spotted his grandmother.
‘Shep,’ he cried joyously. Misunderstanding her name, Jeremy had dubbed her ‘Shep’ when he first could speak, and it had stuck. Jeremy began to barrel toward Shelby, blond hair falling across his forehead, a sheet of manila paper sporting a colorful drawing clutched in his hand.
‘There he is,’ Shelby cried.
‘I know, Mom,’ said Chloe quietly. ‘I know my own child.’
TWO
That night, when Rob came home, Chloe pulled a home-made casserole from the oven. ‘There’ll be plenty left over for tomorrow,’ she said pointedly to Shelby as she placed the serving dishes on the table in the tiny dining room.
‘Don’t worry,’ said Shelby wryly. ‘I’ll make sure he gets fed.’
Chloe lit the candles on the table and avoided her mother’s gaze. ‘I don’t like him to eat processed food, Mom,’ she said. ‘I know it was the easiest thing when I was little and you were working, but Jeremy’s used to fresh food.’
Shelby took a deep breath and tried not to take offense. It was true, she reminded herself, that she had cut a lot of corners in the kitchen. Chloe wasn’t saying it to be mean.
Rob, sandy-haired with strong features and mild, blue eyes, had been washing his hands in the kitchen. He came into the dining room, loosening his tie and unbuttoning the top button of his chambray shirt. He always wore a tie to work at the senior center, even with his work shirt and jeans. ‘Hey, your mother knows how to take care of a kid. I mean, you turned out pretty well.’ Rob held out a chair for his mother-in-law at the table, and Shelby sat.
‘Pretty well,’ Shelby protested with a laugh, but Chloe did not smile and her face reddened.
‘Let’s sit down,’ she said. ‘Jeremy, come to the table.’
‘I’m sitting next to Shep,’ the child crowed, and everybody smiled as he clambered up on to the chair beside his grandmother. Shelby thought about her own mother, whose life revolved around gin and petty grievances. She had never apologized for urging Shelby to abort her child, and never showed any interest in being with her granddaughter. There was a time when Estelle’s indifference could still hurt her. Over the years, Shelby had hardened her heart against her mother. Her loss, Shelby thought. She had chosen the bottle over seeing her only grandchild grow up.
After dinner, Rob offered to take Jeremy to an ice cream store on Main Street while Chloe got packed. Shelby followed her daughter into her tiny bedroom and lay across the bed, resting on one elbow while Chloe dragged suitcases from the floor of the closet.
Watching her daughter carefully setting out piles of clothes, Shelby thought about how much needless worry she had expended on Chloe’s future. Instead of going away to college, Chloe took a course in medical recordkeeping, went to work, met an older man who was on the rebound, and ended up pregnant. Shelby feared that her daughter would end up alone with a baby, uneducated and destitute, just as she herself had been before she pulled herself out of it and made a success of her career.
Chloe insisted that her mother was wrong, and that her life would be completely different. Over the last five years Shelby had been forced to admit that she may indeed have been wrong. Chloe seemed to thrive at work and motherhood, and Shelby had come to think that Rob was a genuinely decent guy.
Chloe held a summery dress up to herself and looked into the full-length mirror, cocking her head and frowning. ‘I don’t know about yellow,’ she said. ‘I’m so pale. And these freckles . . .’
‘You look good in every color,’ said Shelby.
‘Oh Mom,’ Chloe sighed, folding the dress up and putting it to one side.
‘Did you buy any new clothes for the cruise?’ Shelby asked.
‘I don’t need new clothes,’ said Chloe.
‘I know. But I gave you that extra money so you could buy yourself a few pretty things.’
‘All I wear to work are scrubs,’ said Chloe. ‘Besides, I used it to fix our hot water heater.’
‘Oh honey,’ said Shelby. ‘You should have told me. I’d have given you more.’
‘You’ve given us enough, Mom,’ said Chloe. ‘I’m fine as I am.’
Shelby got up from the bed and put her arms around her daughter. They both looked into the full-length mirror. Shelby knew that she could still turn heads, but nothing could compare to the healthy perfection of youth, which Chloe had. Chloe needed no makeup or sleek clothes to enhance her beauty. ‘Of course you are. You are perfect as you are.’
Chloe met her mother’s eyes gravely in the mirror. ‘No, I’m not. I’m anything but perfect.’
‘You stop that,’ said Shelby. ‘You’re always so hard on yourself.’ She peered at her daughter’s somber expression. ‘Is there anything wrong, honey? You seem . . . a million miles away.’
‘I’m fine,’ said Chloe. ‘I’m . . . not used to traveling. I don’t want anything to spoil this, is all.’
‘What would spoil it?’ Shelby asked.
‘Nothing. I’ve just been looking forward to this. Being alone with Rob. Kind of like the honeymoon we never had.’
‘Well, I want you to enjoy this cruise, and not worry about anything. Nothing at all. Just enjoy the weather and the free time and forget everything else for a week. And Jeremy and I are going to have a great time. The week will fly by.’
Chloe’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘I know I can count on you.’
Shelby had to struggle to fight back her own tears at this unexpected endorsement.
‘That’s right,’ she said, squeezing Chloe tighter for a moment before letting her go.
Early the next morning, amid a flurry of instructions, last-minute rechecking for passports, reminders, and lingering hugs and kisses for Jeremy, Chloe and Rob took off in Rob’s pick-up truck for Philadelphia Airport. They would fly to Miami where they were to board the cruise ship. Chloe waved at her mother and her son from the passenger window until they were out of sight. Jeremy cried awhile when they left, but he allowed himself to be soothed by his grandmother, especially when he saw the Pirates of the Caribbean action figures she had brought for him in her luggage.
The next few days passed quickly. Shelby definitely noticed the difference in her energy level when it came to taking care of a toddler. It had been one thing when she was nineteen. It was a little bit more taxing at forty-two. After he was done with preschool, they would go to the library or the park or the playground, all of which were in walking distance of the house. She found a joy and peacefulness in this routine that she had never felt when Chloe was four years old.
When she looked back on those times now, it seemed that she was always in a hurry in those days. Shelby wondered if that rushing might have been the source of Chloe’s lifelong anxieties. In those days, Chloe always wanted one more push on the swing, and Shelby always had her eye on her watch, and a long list of things she needed to do on her mind. At the time, Chloe had seemed unbearably stubborn to Shelby, dragging her feet when she was ordered to hurry up and come along. Maybe, Shelby realized, she was just frustrated at the never-ending interruptions of her happiness.
Now, with only three days left until Chloe and Rob returned, she found herself savoring every moment with her grandson. As Shelby sat rocking back and forth on the swing set in the thin, April sunlight, Jeremy climbed up and slid down the slide repeatedly. Nothing else seemed to matter, to either one of them.
Shelby’s phone rang, and she glanced at the caller ID. She saw, with a sinking heart, that it was Talia calling. Not again, she thought. In some ways, she really felt sorry for her sister. Long ago, Shelby had decided to pour all her love and concern into her own daughter. But for Talia, her mother had remained the center of her universe, the organizing principle of her life. Now, Estelle Winter was slipping away, and Talia’s devotion seemed both futile and sad. But not sad enough that Shelby wanted to participate. Like their mother, Talia had shown zero interest in
Chloe as she was growing up, and had never even commented on the birth of Jeremy. She has her concerns, I have mine, Shelby thought. She hesitated, and then let it ring. This time with Jeremy is precious and nothing’s going to spoil it. Talia can wait.
‘Shep, look at me. Look at me, Shep!’ Jeremy called out.
‘I saw you,’ Shelby called out. ‘That slide is fast.’
‘Really fast,’ he corrected her.
She smiled at him, tickled by his pride. ‘I know.’
‘Can I go again?’ he asked.
‘Go again,’ she said.
‘Watch me.’
‘I’m watching,’ she said.
When the sun was going down, and it grew too chilly to stay any longer, they walked home. Shelby made her grandson hot dogs and beans for supper, and watched cartoons with him until it was time for his bath. She read him his favorite stories and tucked him in with bunches of kisses. She tiptoed away from the door, and went downstairs to clean up the kitchen. Then, she remembered Talia’s call earlier. She knew she should at least call her sister back. She punched in Talia’s number at the lab.
‘Dr Winter’s office.’
‘Talia?’
‘No, this is Faith, her assistant.’
Shelby had spoken to Faith before. Faith was a grad student, well into her thirties, who kept the lab organized.
‘Oh, hi, Faith, is Talia there? This is her sister, Shelby.’
‘No, she has a tutorial tonight.’
‘Oh, sorry,’ Shelby said. ‘I don’t have her schedule.’
‘She’ll be back in about an hour. I can have her call you then.’
‘That’s all right. I’ll catch up with her another time,’ said Shelby. ‘Just tell her I called her back, OK?’
‘I will,’ Faith promised.
Shelby felt lighthearted when she hung up. She had not neglected to call her sister, but, at the same time, she didn’t have to talk to her. There was a part of Shelby that almost admired Talia’s fidelity to their mother. But she could never understand where it came from. And she definitely didn’t want to participate in it. Well, she had made the call, and now she needed to make no excuses for why she wanted to simply stay put, eating hot dogs and watching cartoons.
Cast into Doubt Page 2
