"Stop!" I say through mashed lips, unwilling to let him in my mouth.
His forehead on mine he groans.
"Why, fuck why? I'll cave baby, I'll give in and spend all night eating you out and fucking you. Just let me in." He says and tries kissing me again.
I want to let him in, so bad. But the thought of him touching me after touching her… I swallow back my disgust for the third time and turn my head.
"I can smell her on your clothes and God knows where your mouths been."
He pulls back and looks at me, lust and anger dueling in his stare. "I'm so sick of wanting you Bright." He says, and falls face first to my bed passed out.
When I can hear him breathing sound I know he isn't moving and for the first time since stepping from the shower, I relax and let myself cry, weeping beside him silently in my bed, wishing he would hold me.
Wishing I could hold him.
Fix him.
Keep him… but he belongs to another and I can no longer compete with a ghost.
So sacrifice yourself
And let me have whats left
I know that I can find
The fire in your eyes
I'm going all the way
Get away please
You take the breath right out of me
You left a hole where my heart should be
You gotta fight just to make it through
Cause I'll be the death of you
Breaking Benjamin~ Breath
Chapter Ten
Noah
I wake up in Brights bed alone, scrubbing my face trying to place what happened last night. I remember partying late back stage with the guys last night after the most epic show since we went platinum. I can remember the girl I brought home, green and brown hair, shit load of tats, big brown eyes. She looked like Candey and I wanted for just a minute to pretend she was…
But no. No I didn't see Candey.
My irritation mounts as I remember the face I kept seeing.
Bright.
My irritation mounts just to crash as I remember kicking the fan girl out after catching Bright watching her suck my dick.
'Tell me you want me girl.'
I groan and lay back on the bed, fully fucking aware of what a piece of shit I am. Fuck, I had begged her, begged to let me in.
'I can smell her on your clothes, and God knows where your mouth has been.'
"Oh I'm such a fuck up!" I say and punch the pillow beside me. It's there I notice I am buck as naked and see two condoms half hanging from my dick. I pull them off, take a look to see if they are full, thank fuck they aren't.
I get up and head to the bathroom, wrapping myself in her towel on the floor, stopping short when I see her curled up in the center of my bed, my pillow held tight to her chest, that fucking ever present notebook plum full of all my bullshit right beside her.
If I was a total cock sucker I would grab it and read it, but apparently my chivalry is stronger than my need to snoop.
I sway as the bus does, but catch myself before slamming into the wall. I get my balance and tip toe to the nightstand where my phone says it's just shy of six am. I got back just after one so I know I have only slept a few hours and there ain't a shot in hell I am sleeping anytime soon.
I took my time in the shower, letting the water run cold before I got out. I shaved, then took all my piercings out to clean them, took my time putting them back in. I was killing every minute I could hoping she had moved to her bed so I could hide out in my room all day.
Opening the door I see that I am not lucky today. She hasn’t moved, still sleeping sound and I can't help myself as I lay down beside her, gently as to not wake and scare this piss out of her.
The part of me not afraid to be nosy, is the part that grabs her iPod and see what she's been listening to.
Eclectic taste, I'll say that.
She had everything from rock to rap, from classical to indie rock. Now, let me clarify, when I say rock the hardest band in there was Theory of a Deadman. And then I saw TAT, every album.
Shit warmed my heart.
She was listening to a song from NF called Mansions on repeat and I was intrigued as to what song she was in love with right now.
I wasn't prepared to like it considering it was rap, but after listening I knew who the song reminded her of and why. I text Jen immediately.
Me: Listen to NF Mansions and tell me who you think it reminds you of.
About an hour later she replied.
Jen: Good morning BTW, and it reminds me of you. Big time. Scary.
Me: Bright fell asleep listening to it on replay last night.
Jen: Sounds like you need to call me and tell me what's going on then.
I tip toe out of my room, shutting the door behind me, keeping her iPod because even I admit I'm obsessed with this song. I call Jen who answers on the first ring.
I make coffee and tell her about my epic fuck up last night.
She sighs as I finish with rifling through the iPod. "Noah…"
"Yeah I know love. I know."
"There is a crossroads you need to make your way to honey. You want her, damn honey we all know you do so tell me why you fight it?"
"I am terrified… its fear and guilt and fucking self loathing. Jen I don't know how to risk it all? I didn't know I was risking with Candey, it happened and I never thought she wouldn’t be here. Now I think about surviving it all again."
I think of the inevitability of goodbye, in any form and I cannot breathe for the fear. I cannot bring myself to say goodbye, to her. Again! To trust in myself to love yet again, knowing I will lose again. I have lost my sister by my own hand, my own bullshit. How could I keep hold of something valuable as Bright?
"Look Jen, I need to keep my distance and try to come through this as unscathed as possible."
She laughs. "Honey, good luck. Let me know how it works out for you."
"Jen-"
"No Noah. I can't sit here and talk you into doing what you know you want to do. You are stopping you."
"That's fair, thanks for the help sunshine!" I spat and slam the phone on the counter, breaking it, but it didn't hang up.
I can hear her yelling so I put it to my ear. "Just…-"
"Can I say one thing without you getting defensive?"
I laugh without humor. "Probably not, but give it a try. Jump on in to this nightmare and psychoanalyze me."
"Okay, thanks I will." She says and I can hear her light a smoke, so I do the same and sit on the steps outside of the bus thankful we are stopped for a few.
"I see this house, it's divided into two sides. On one side is the life you have now, full of turmoil and sadness. One the other side I see your band, and Carrie; the kids. I see Bright, all waiting on you to decide. You are the wall that divides this house Noah. You split these two lives and you survive in the center where you can be in both. Stop. Open the patrician and move all the shit out of the sad house and make room for love."
"That's beautiful." I say with sarcasm, feeling like shit because I knew exactly what she was saying.
"You can be so mean sometimes." The prick I am becoming is starting to alienate everyone and I know I need a grip.
"Jen… It's a great analogy, it is. Realistic though? No. Baby I can't break that wall down any easier than I am trying now and I am trying love." My mind goes to a place right then that I fear more than any place it could go.
Cody Beckett.
"I know-"
"Let me ask you something." I say and stand, pacing back and forth at the truck stop while my driver stretches his legs and I know that when he starts the engine again Bright will be awake and I will have to face her.
"Ok.." She says and sounds kind of scared.
"I want to go see Cody."
She is silent. So silent I look at the shattered face of my phone to see if I lost the call.
"What?" She chokes. "Why?"
"It's just a thought, but sometimes I think that in all those years
I always fought him, always pissed him off, but I never fought back. Not the way I should have."
"Noah, I don't know how seeing him and knowing your hate, how you could think it would help."
I nod, knowing she can't see me. "Maybe you're right."
"Well, I mean what do you hope to gain?"
I answer easily, to the thought that has plagued me for three years. "Closure."
"Do you really believe that you can gain closure?"
I laugh stupidly. "No, but I want to face him just once. On my terms and tell him goodbye, go die for all I care. I need him to know that he didn't break me."
"And you think you can do this sober?" She asks the one question that I wonder too.
"I think so. I haven't faced him without a fall back. This time… I don't know, some real Man to man shit."
"Mono e mono, right?"
I laugh thinking of Billy Madison. "It doesn’t mean man to man, it means hand to hand."
We laugh and bullshit a little more and I can hear Bright in the bathroom. "I gotta go, she's up and I need to face this." I whisper.
"Okay, call me later… and …on the other thing. I support you, through anything. Just, please Noah, keep me in the loop so I don't worry."
One of the many reasons I trust her folks.
"I will. Love you."
"Love you foolish boy." She says and hangs up right as what I see in my future walking down the hall, and my past beats the hell out of my head.
"Good morning." I say and make absolutely no move to hide her iPod on the dock. She looks at me with sleep still in her eyes and I refuse, refuse to look at her nipples peaked and hard under the pale pink, tight tank top she slept in.
"Oh it's a great morning." She says and pulls her iPod off the dock and rolls the cord around it. She looks over her shoulder at me with a pissy expression that just makes me hard. "Do you have any boundaries? At all?"
I laugh once and sip from my coffee. "Nope. Shame ain't my thing either in case you were wondering. I am a bit of a depraved mother fucker girl."
"Oh, I know." She says and pours her own coffee, getting the creamer from the fridge and I cringe as she puts five teaspoons of sugar in her mug and half a cup of fuckin creamer. Candy cane creamer, ugh gross.
"Jesus girl, can you even drink that?" I ask kind of grossed out knowing there is nothing good in tha cup.
"Yep."
I just smile at her clipped tone, but hey at least we are talking.
"Mind telling me why you stole my iPod?" She asks and sits on the other side of me at the table. I know she will drink that shit she calls coffee down and then she will make toast and drink a glass of cranberry juice. She is so predictable, yet completely confusing.
"I didn't steal your iPod." I say in the same stuck up tone she asked me with and she rolls her eyes. "Do you know every time I see you roll your eyes I want to spank you?"
She looked at me like I was crazy, which meant I was on higher ground for the time being.
"Do you know when your drunk you beg to fuck me?" She snapped.
Fuck me, higher ground my ass. She's right up there with me, but not for long. "Oh, I don't gotta be drunk. It's pretty fuckin constant these days."
That got her. I watch her chest go pink, and her ears before it hits her cheeks. I know I fuck with her head when I tell her, fearless that I want her. I hate myself for it. "Want to help me understand or just sit and humiliate me further?" She asks me, her eyes pinning me.
"I never want to humiliate you Bright." And I don't. The thought of hurting her, stirs up a shit ton of emotions I cannot handle.
She laughs in frustration not humor.
"Could have fooled me" She says and looks to her coffee for the answers I should be giving her. I don't know if it's a moment of weakness or if I am really thinking of what Jen said. But I see that house, I see me dividing it and I see her getting hurt again and again, but I can't shut up.
"The only people worthy of humiliation are those that find joy in others embarrassment." I look at her then and take her hand even though she tried to not let me. "I would sooner end my life than to purposely hurt you for my pleasure. See, I have been on my knees, bloody and beaten and forced to see things I wish I could forget, for even a day. I would never hurt you for my own gain. You might think I am a dick or a player, but that woman you watched me with last night?"
I pause to see her reaction of me bringing it up so vividly, but her eyes are trained on me as she takes in every word. This moment I have given her more than I have this entire time, and though she recalls me making her come in one foolish moment, it is here she meets the real Noah.
"That woman was an attempt to forget." I take her phone and give her a look to relax before I find what I am looking for.
Google, making it impossible to forget with just a few strokes of a keyboard.
Thanks for that fuckers.
I look at the image on the screen, my heart flutters in a ruthless way and I close my eyes handing Bright her phone.
"That's Candey Love True." I don't say anymore because I can see she knows what I am getting at. There is no way I can describe her, she is just her and she was Candey sweet, love pure, and true to me in every way. There is no way to describe that.
"I wanted a moment, one fucking moment to pretend." I shake my head and drink from my coffee to avoid choking on anymore words.
"And she was who you wanted to forget with?"
Here is that crossroads that Jen talked about. Do I go to the right or to the left? I know the path I'm on will destroy me for different reasons than any needle could.
"I thought I could, I thought it would work, but there was no way she could pass for Candey. Her tattoos were jacked hideous, her tone was raspy… and the whole time I was with her… girl I wanted to see you beneath me." I shake my head and send up a silent prayer that Candey knows I am sorry for betraying her.
"Noah…" She says, unable to find the right words.
Neither can I so we both drink from our coffee.
"I just wanted you to know that I am not trying to hurt you Bright. There's a reason I avoid you and try to keep things professional." I look at her hoping my words reach her how I need them too.
"I appreciate your being honest with me, but if I can be honest as well?" Her tone has taken on something similar to arrogant, yet not as pissy, but just as snooty.
"Yeah, I'm all ears." I tilt my head slightly and look at her with mild curiosity.
"I think it’s strange that from the minute we met at Paradox Ink there has been this underlying need in us both. For me, yeah I admit I am attracted to you, there is no denying it. You don't deny your attraction to me, you never have. In the four weeks I have known you, I have been simultaneously turned on and offended, hurt and cherished and been begged, and denied. I don't know how that is professional, how last night was professional, but hey, I can be professional."
She stands up and looks at me with resentment and I admit, I am as scared as I was when she packed her shit to go to Cassa. "We will continue step work daily and of course I am here to the end, I will see this out despite my better judgment. Consider this your lesson on accountability for today. You finally told me where I stand and did so in painfully cruel way, but I have learned it all the same. Congrats Noah I am proud, but kindly go fuck yourself."
"Bright…" I reach for her hand before I will let her walk away. "You're not getting it. I am not trying to make this harder for you, or drag you along." Her back is to me and I want so bad to stand, say fuck it and kiss a path of forgive me's up her neck… Instead, I am halted, heart stopped when she looks at me with tears in her eyes.
"I don't deny my feelings for you Noah. I feel sad that you are sad. I feel bad for you, that you can't see past your insecurities as they are blindingly clear. I am sad that you want me, for more than my attractiveness, but play it off like I am only fuckable because you cannot stand the other option. What you failed to see, what you failed to get from the last four w
eeks of ass sniff? Is that I never had a motive nor did I have the intention to compete or replace a ghost." I feel that pain roll in, but push it down unwilling to let anyone see, least of all her.
"So please stop dumping me because it hurts more every time you do it, and I am tired of watching you suffer for my pain."
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
And how we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
Pink Floyd~Wish you were here
Chapter Eleven
Noah
The last two weeks have been hell.
I can't sleep. I am so fucking twisted up after learning loud and clear how she pity's me for my indiscretions, all I see are those tears of sadness for all the things I wish I was and will never be.
I sit in my room like I do every day after step work and write music. Some for Candey, some angry at life, but most are about regrets and self loathing where love is concerned. I have my writing sheets in front of me, but I am only strumming and thinking of Candey right now. Pink Floyds Wish you were here comes to mind and I play it effortlessly. How do I miss someone so much and still wish I could have their approval to move on without them?
How do you say, fuck I love you so much and I miss you, but I met someone that I can no longer deny?
That's the spot I have been in for the last few weeks. And it gets worse every day. So I wrote it, and planned to sing it. I had to purge this fear of moving on, in order to move on. That or I would lose them all.
Never Me (TAT: A Rocker Romance #5) Page 13
