I don't.
I barely believe in relationships at all, long distant or otherwise. And this would be an all over the world relationship. I had so much that tied me to California. I had him that tied me to Washington. Now I lay here plagued by the thought that he had done a complete turnaround to win me, to keep me, because he believed in me. I didn't think of a future with him, because I didn't see one.
How could you? You were in the shadow of a ghost.
I shake the thought and trace his face, knowing tomorrow wouldn’t be spent making love.
It would be spent saying goodbye.
I rolled from the bed and sent an email to Carrie instead of Tayla telling her that I was needed at home and wouldn’t be back until after Thanksgiving break.
Now I needed the distance. I couldn’t stay and fall in love with the most unattainable man I had ever met. Men were my thing, I read them, played with them and left them in my wake. My changes brought me Noah, his changes brought him me. And I was going to ruin it all.
I climbed back in bed and kissed him softly, unable to force myself to leave in the night while he slept. "I am so sorry Noah…" I said and stood to gather all of my things. I called a car service to come get me so I could get to SeaTac in time.
I called Raleigh and woke him up, stepping out on the balcony I cried and told him everything. He was angry with me, but like always I had his loyalty and he was meeting me in the lobby in twenty minutes.
Once I was dressed I took the remaining bags from the bathroom and opened the door, to see him sitting in the bed with a cigarette, waiting on me.
"Fuckin didn't see that comin'." He said and ashes the smoke on the tray at the side table. I could see the hurt, but he was hiding how bad.
"Noah…" I couldn’t find my words as tears welled.
He stood from the bed and made his way to me. "Have the decency I do, to tell the fangirls it's me not them."
"It's not that- "
"Bullshit!" He yells and stands straight so we are eye to eye. "Tell me you don't want me Bright."
"Noah, this is just a lot to think on and I need to clear my head."
He laughs. "I get you want to clear your head, you go to the bus and get distance. You don't book a flight and bail in the middle of the night." He turns to walk away from me, spinning to drill me with his stare. "Tell me you don't want me?" He demands louder this time.
I can't answer him though, there is no way I can look at him and tell him I don't. "I'm unsteady- "
'"You're a fuckin pussy baby." He says and storms past me to the bathroom slamming the door in my face and locking it. "Leave the key card on the table." He yells and I hear the water turn on and know he has dismissed me.
I do as he says, and leave him. I finally left for reasons I never saw coming.
Look for the light that leads me home.
Tired of feeling lost, tired of letting go.
Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down.
Breaking Benjamin~Failure
Chapter Fifteen
Noah
Solemnly I sit alone,
Preparing my heart for the fall it is about to take.
And then I begin.
I write the sensitive words I long for you to hear,
The gentle tears I cry for you at night.
The seldom times I see your perfect face,
I capture the moment and place it in my heart.
The words you speak echo through my mind,
As I try to free myself of this pain.
The smile you bring the minute you enter the room,
The heartache you bring the minute you enter the room…
The scent you leave after storming off,
Drifts away with you into the crisp night air.
Alone!
I stood, watching you leave,
My heart fell and shattered at your feet.
Had you been strong enough to take it with you-
Now I can never love again
I set the notebook down and want to puke. I know, know what night she wrote this. It was the night she was leaving to go to Cass and Shames and I ripped her apart for it.
The notebook was full of little lymricks and sonnets. There were journal entries and more bleeding heartache than anything I thought she could summon.
I feel a strong sense of perversion for wanting him, but forgive me this degradation. I humiliate myself for the trespass I want…
Here she is talking about me, taking me, or wanting to, knowing I was devoted to Candey. This book is full of them and I know why she always had it now. I had thought she was taking notes on me… foolish thought, but its why I read it. Figured she bailed because she couldn’t keep business separate or some shit.
All morning I ponder this shit and then read it, and I know now.
She more than wanted me. She loves me and I have ripped her apart this whole time.
No wonder she ran
I know where she went though. I have Raleigh in my back pocket, knowing he is on my side on this one. I call him, it's after one pm and I know he's in California by now, so is she. Carrie told me she got her resignation email when she woke me to scream at me.
"The Brew, this is Raleigh. What can I make for you today?" He sounds so excited to be making coffee I almost believe him.
"Ral, man its me Noah. Please tell me she isn't standing there?" He coughs and I hear the phone get smothered a little and know she is, right fuckin there.
I might have had a small hope she would be at the bus, unable to leave me.
No such luck fucker.
"Yes sir we have peppermint mocha lattes'." He says and I think of her peppermint coffee and it makes me sad I won't be watching that gross morning ritual any longer.
"I like mine strong and plain Ral. Now go the fuck away from her!" I yell into the phone, feeling kind of bad for yelling at him, but I am losing my mind.
"Sir, that is so charming. Have you ever thought of coming to the Sage? It's our little bar and we read poetry and music, open Mic night stuff?"
"What the fuck Ral…" I have no idea what he is talking about or if he is just fucking with me.
"Yes absolutely. In fact…" He draws out the in fact and makes me wait a second. "We have Bright the owner doing a live reading on Saturday Did you hear that sir? I said Saturday!" He smothers the phone but hear him tell someone he thinks the person on the other line is hard of hearing.
"I will be there but, fuck Ral. I know you are loyal to her, but I can't let her leave feel me?"
I hope he does.
"Oh, I do sir absolutely. Totally worth it."
I smile then totally getting what he is saying.
"Write my number down Ral."
"If you need anything at all just give us a call. I am actually on duty all day tomorrow and Saturday so call me if you need to."
"Got it, I'll call you tomorrow." I say and he keeps going.
"Feel free to go to our facebook page and check us out, leave comments or message. The Brew is totally on facebook."
Translation: Facebook me.
"Okay Ral I get it."
"Have a great day sir, thanks for calling."
The line went dead and I honestly gotta say I love that guy.
I had two days which meant I was flying out tonight after the show. Open Mic night? Whatever, I would be there with her fucking notebook.
Saturday
Bright
Stay back, beautiful girl stay back.
Stay back,, I mean it. Listen to me. We have been here before, too many times. You know better.
Stay back. I am telling you, sweet girl this is impossible. This is as impossible as shutting the world out in a tornado.
You let him see this, let him know and you will lose all grace.
Stay back. Don't you dare trip and fall, he won't catch you baby. He is fragile, you know he is fragile and you are the chill in the eye of that storm. That chill that tells you this is not gonna end well.
But... I love him. That is the only response to the fear screaming in my mind every time I think his name.
Stay back, God damn you! This is already over how can you not see it? Feel it yet? That burn to run to him and bare your soul in hopes he will finally see you? Don't do it girl. Stay back!
But... I love him. I can't deny that regardless of my fear. If I lose everything in the fight, I am no worse off.
Stay back, stay back, stay back.... please.... my voice will fade out to a whisper if you'll listen to me now. He cannot give to you what you need. This is not a romance novel sweet girl, it is your heart. You cannot save him, he has to save him. Only then will he decide if you're enough.
But.... I love him. I can't stand by as he suffers. Not when I am certain he wants me just as much.
Stay back! Fool don't make me laugh. You are not HER, not the one who crushed him. SHE is who he wants, you are a filler, a Band-Aid... you are the whisper of hope and that is the equivalent to a day dream. Sweet girl, stay back.
But... I love him. She loved him too, endings don't matter when compared to the beginning and our beginning was magic.
Stay back! Don't think of meant to be or love at first sight. Silly girl, you are in this alone. Look at him....just look at him.
I am looking at him.....
I can see the shock in his face when I say that and leave the stage. I knew he was trying to hide in the shadows but I could spot him in a crowd, I swear my bones know when that man is close.
I watch him as he watches me, I can see his nostrils flair and the look in his eyes is so intense it burns me. He wants me right now, more than he ever has and with that look I am done denying it anymore.
I want him just as much.
I look over my shoulder to the hall behind the stage, then look back at him. My eyes telling him without words my intent. I leave the stage the instant I see a faint nod and he is off the stool and walking fast in an almost jog to that same hallway I am heading to. I make it to the hall behind the stage and stand in front of the door that leads to the parking lot and dumpsters. I look at my phone there is time before they start cleaning for the night and the in and out from the Brew to the dumpsters begins.
I only need 5 minutes, enough to tell him where we are going.
And I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense, then you'll lose your mind
And I'll use you as focal point
So I don’t lose sight of what I want
And I've moved further than I thought I could
But I miss you more than I thought I would
Oh I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense, then you'll lose your mind
Amber Run~I found
Chapter Sixteen
Noah
He grabs my arm and I jump, I didn’t hear him come out the door, my mind fixated on what I would say or do.
Sex had always come easy for me. Flirt a little, bite my lip, bat my lashes and offer a good time.
Noah was different though. I didn’t want meaningless no frills sex. I wanted passion and that same intensity that has been present since the moment we met. I need that heat to ignite us both.
I say nothing when his hand slips behind my neck, fisting his fingers in my hair and slams his mouth to mine in one furious, aggressive kiss that no other kiss will ever compare to. He is everywhere at once, and he tastes so good, so God damned good. I can't breathe and I don’t care.
He bites my lip and pulls back slowly, not removing his hand from my hair or the one that is on my butt. We are still close, both of us breathing heavy. “I didn’t know…” He says and is back to kissing me, though not as rough, but oh so much deeper.
“Know what?” I manage to ask, his lips still assailing me. I cant keep my fingers from his hair, I am pulling it as hard as he is mine. There have been nights since I gave up on sex and dating, nights where need was so fierce that I couldn’t sleep without masturbating to curb the desire enough to rest. This wasn’t need however. This was something I have never felt in my life. All I could think about was how he would feel slipping inside of me, how he would look above me. It was painful having him kissing me, hoping he had been feeling what I have been feeling.
“I didn’t know you felt that. I’m so sorry baby. I am so sorry…” He keeps saying it, like a mantra on my lips while my heart beats a staccato rhythm all its own.
“Ohmigod, Noah don’t stop.” I cry as he bites below my ear. He is rough in all the right ways and I want so bad to come with him, feel him come for me, for wanting and needing me as much. My brain is on a loop of lust and need and if I was smart I would stop and tell him to leave. He was everything that would ruin me and nothing inside of me had the strength to turn him away.
“Don’t make me stop Bright. Please, fuck I need inside you.” His voice was a tender rasp against my skin, vibrating to the very core of me.
“Come with me.” I say and step back from him, my stomach flipping in excitement when he growled low in his throat when I stepped back. “My apartment is above the Brew.” I say in way of telling him we were not stopping, but speeding careless and reckless into what could equally be my biggest regret or my greatest win.
We went to the stairs we were making out under moments before and he took me by the arm, spinning me until I was behind him. “Come on baby.” He said and smacked the side of my ass. I jumped on his back and giggled in his ear as he took two stairs at a time.
The key in the lock was the sound of everything changing. Once inside, he leaned forward and a simple shift I was now holding on to his front, my legs around him where everything was situated perfectly and for the first time in four years I felt that thick ridge of a cock beneath denim and my skin went to goose flesh instantly.
He spun, placing my back against the wall, his hips pressing hard and firm against me to hold me up while he worked on stripping me from my tank top. He used one hand to start working at my jeans and the other to slip the cup of my bra down so he could feast on my breast.
My fingers curl at the hair on the nape of his neck and I arch back because he feels so good.
“Fuck, you are the sexiest thing Bright.” He says and is now using both hands to get my pants fully undone. My hands are working on his belt to get him free to my eyes, stopping dead when I first feel the metal, looking down to see silver balls aligning his dick.
"Holy shit…” I say and drop my legs from around his waist to get a closer look. “What are these called?” I ask and use my finger to slide over the shiny metal. Three rows with two balls each are on the shaft like a ladder and through the head is a ring right through the damn tip with a large ball on one end and a smaller one on the other. I don’t know if they hurt or what so I barely touch them.
“They don’t hurt Bright.” He says with a chuckle and flips the ring side to side, then tugs on the large ball at the end. I cringe at first assuming it has to hurt. He takes my hand in his and covers mine over his cock, then he moves my hand up and down. “That you feel on the shaft, that bump, bump, bump? That’s the Jacobs ladder. ./’[0t6. The bar sits just below the skin and the piercing itself comes out both ends and you screw the balls on.” He groans when he squeezes his hand tighter around his dick as I continue to stroke him. “The one on the top here…” He removes our hands from the shaft and pulls at the ring. “This is an ampallang. It goes sideways through the top here.” He pulls me in until he is at my ear. “It’ll hit your G-spot in the best way." He whispers with the most sinister intent and I cream. "It'll feel fucking amazing when I push in and out of you.”
"Amazing for you or amazing for me?" I ask and he groans as I pull on him slowly.
"Honestly it does nothing for me one way or another, it's all about the woman." He laughs and sm
iles that boyish smile that gives me chills every time. "I did it in the name of mind blowing orgasms."
"Such a giver." I say and lean in taking his bottom lip between mine and sucking. His lip ring sliding side to side as I play.
"I know, lucky girl." I could hear the playful tone in his voice.
"I can't believe this is gonna happen." I say and bashfully burry my face in the crook of his neck.
I feel his fingers drift over the soaked lace of my panties, my clit throbbing in need of attention. "I feel like it took me forever to get here." He kisses me and tugs my panties to the side and yanking hard enough to snap the fabric so that now I am fully exposed. I am slick and wet and he grazes me gently and oh so slow I melt at his touch. "Never thought I would be here again…"
His words make me want to cry because I understand his meaning and feel blessed by it. "There's nobody else I would be here with Noah."
He has made me come from his words alone, watched me come from simply watching him but nothing, absolutely nothing compares to his fingers on me, his mouth against mine. "I can't reel it in. Your hands on my dick have me ready to come like a fuckin' armature."
I giggle and stroke him faster, feeling the balls of his piercing beat an unsteady rhythm on my palm and I am anxious to feel him inside of me.
"I need to get you in a bed baby." He takes the fingers that were just stroking me and slides them over my lips, coating them in my flavor and scent before crushing his mouth to mine. Tasting myself on him rockets my need to an inferno. "I need to feast on you baby."
I drop my hand into his and guide him down the hall, pushing him backward through my door until the backs of his legs hit my bed. Before I could push him back, he grabs me by my hips and lifts me- tossing me to the bed before covering me with his body and working his thumbs through the sides of what's left of my lace panties, and pulled them down my legs, his tongue tracing a pattern as he went that left me panting.
He stands at the foot of the bed stroking his cock before me, jeans still on and no shirt. I see the expanse of his chest and hips and groan at his perfection. To dark to make out the images all I see is a battle of good and evil in bright and dark colors. "I want to lick you." I say unashamed.
Never Me (TAT: A Rocker Romance #5) Page 19
