I walked through that God damned door and sat only when I was across from the monster under my bed.
I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside
I've finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am
30 Seconds to mars~The kill
Chapter Nineteen
Noah
He stares me down as he makes his way to the stool that sits before a glass partition. He doesn’t touch the phone and I don't know if he will. I look at him, he is older. You can tell this place aged him, he is thinner and his hair has gone grey. I know I look like him, a younger, tattooed and stronger version. Carrie has his eyes though and my stomach turns as I am reminded there is no denying he gave us life no matter how hard he tried to ruin it.
He lifts the phone and I realize I wasn't breathing until he did. I grab mine and swallow back bile at hearing his voice for the first time since he confessed at the preliminary hearing.
"The prodigal son returns."
"I'm no son of yours." I say and pull on the strength of TAT, of my sister and even of Bright.
"Well you are. Doesn’t matter if I wanted you or not biology is biology. You and Caroline belong to me by blood and bone."
"Maybe, but I deny you and as for any father my sister had or needed it was me, not you. Never you."
We stare at one another, both our eyes filled with hate and I am offended by his very presence. I know that the pain he inflicted on us will never be something he will be sorry for, in that I hate that I can't bring some form of closure to my sister. I would be certifiable if I thought for one minute that he could validate our feelings.
"What do you want Noah?"
Hard question to answer, a loaded question to ask.
"I want to know a lot of things, but the one staggering question I have is I want to know why? Why couldn’t we be left alone? Why try to destroy us?"
"Your mom wanted kids I didn't." He shrugs and makes it seem like it’s a logical answer. "I know Caroline has a kid, how's she as a mom? There's bits of me inside you so I wonder how her temper is?"
"You sick fuck, she's a hell of a mom and we are nothing like you!" I can see my spit hit the glass and I stood yelling into the receiver when a guard came on the line telling me to calm down or he would end the visit. I cringe at my dad's laughter, happy he got a rise out of me.
"You don't think you're like me Noah? I was a drunk, you're a junkie. You are a miserable son of a bitch and so am I. There is nothing that can fill that hole inside you, nothing. You may cry about your dad beating you, your girl cracking her neck in that crash, your drugs… you got excuses a plenty boy, but you are as fucking miserable as I am." He laughs while I wonder if he is right.
Before I realize that I am not.
"You need to understand something. You don't have any control here, you might think you do but you don't. From here on out you won't be the excuse Carrie or I use, you're nothing. You sit in here so content to know that we still suffer. We don't. You can have the credit of those few nightmares or irrational moments but that's it. I am in a band that is successful on tours and so fucking rich." I laugh and lean closer. "Carrie is a bestselling author married to the lead in my band, hell she's even richer. Rich means therapy and security and making it so your reach isn't as long as ours."
"Oh I have reach you little fucker, I have roots you can't imagine. Don't sit here and try to pretend I don't scare you. I terrify you."
I nod in agreement. "You're right, you are so fucking insane it's scary, but I am not seventeen anymore. I live my life in a way that I can sleep at night. When I leave here, I won't think of you again. I will walk away and live my life. I will love, I will smile and I will die a happy man for saving me and Carrie from your cynical insanity. From here out you are dead to us. Don't fuck yourself into a corner Dad, I would hate for anyone to find out a dirty cop lives in these walls. Could make for an uncomfortable future."
I saw it, saw the fear at my threat and fuck me I loved it.
I hung up the phone and walked away. I could hear him screaming and hitting the glass when the guards took him down. Being the prick I am, I see an inmate, heavily tattooed looking like the meanest baddest mother fucker in here. He's talking to his lady between the glass, their visit being interrupted by my dad's tantrum. I walk over and grab the phone out of the girls hand, she looks at me pissed at first then sees who I am .
"Ohmygod… Noah Beckett!" She screetches and I give her a wink and a smile.
"Hey darlin, mind if I take this a sec?"
I don't wait for her to agree and tap the glass with the handset until the scary looking bad ass on the other side of the glass gives me his attention. "Hey my man, . Do you know that guy down there throwing a fit?"
He looks at me and nods. "Yeah man, he's pretty quiet. Keeps to himself mostly unless there's a fight. Twisted fucker loves that shit, gets off on it."
I nod because he would. "That piece of shit is my dad and he is a cancerous fucking bleeding sore on society. He's been protected enough. Spread the word for me. That piece of shit down there is Cody Beckett and he is a former cop for Seattle PD and in here for raping my sister for fourteen years. Have your girl Google it."
I hand the phone back to the woman who is still tripping out about me being here, not just an average day in prison.
"Thanks doll. You guys take care."
"Hey wait." She says and I turn, hands in my pocket not a care in the world.
"What's up?"
"Tony says he's got you bro. He will let them all know." She looks to her man for a minute, "He also says to tell your sister he ain't worth it."
I smile and nod.
With that I left… okay so technically I was escorted out by three guards and told I wasn't allowed to come back.
Fine by me, anything I ever needed here was dead and gone.
Bright
I hadn't heard from Noah. It was after ten and I was past the point of scared. How was I so stupid? I have beat myself up all day. I was panicked and scared unaware what he wanted to do. He could have told me. He didn't need to be so secretive about it. He was testing me and I failed miserably. I just wanted to hear his voice and tell him how sorry I was. He wasn't returning my calls or texts and knowing he was going to visit his father had me crawling in my skin.
I knew I could call Carrie, but after this morning's early events and her fear I couldn’t tell her and possibly cause another freak out. I dialed the only other number I had that could help me.
It took me some time to get my wits back before I called, schooling my voice to sound normal.
"Hey Bright, how are you?" Tayla asks and she sounds exceptionally chipper and I am sure it's because she and Cal are home with Axe for the holiday break.
"I'm good thank you." I lie and take a deep breath to stretch the truth even further. "So I am trying to surprise Noah for his birthday with a surprise visit from Jenny Pope for dinner when we are in Chicago. I was hoping you could give me her number but also allow Axe to travel with her?"
This was an actual thought I had played with. Jenny was his closest friend outside of the band, and the person he turned to the most in his dire straits. I couldn’t tell Tayla this though for obvious reasons.
"I am looking at my calendar and I will be with them in Chicago because I have three bands touring there in that week and we would do a dinner or something I am sure. I think that's a great idea."
"Wonderful." I say and I am relieved she accepted without a hint of suspicion. I felt like shit for lying but I had to do what was best for Noah. Both then and now. "Can I get her number from you? I would go through his phone but he would flip in an epic way if he caught me snooping… trust and all."
She laughs and agrees he would indeed flip out. "Okay here is her cell and her home number. I don't think she is as work yet so you should be able to
get her easily."
I jot the numbers down and call her cell phone immediately once I ended the call with Tayla.
"Hello?" She asks obviously not recognizing my number.
"Hey Jenny, its Bright?" I say it like a question not sure how she will take me calling her without Noah.
"Hey Bright! How are ya?" There is a hint of mischief in her tone and I know Noah must have spoke with her. It breaks my heart to remember where we connected last night to unravel today.
"Not good. That's why I am calling you."
I hear her sigh and she asks me what's going on. It was like a dam broke inside me and I started sobbing and told her everything.
"Holy shit." She says and is quiet for a small moment. "Okay first things first, are you okay hun?"
"No! I feel retched and awful and I am scared to death he is off on his own feeling god knows what and more importantly he left hurt and angry with me." His words relay through my mind like an unstoppable reel.
You said nothing except to confirm my worst fucking fear baby. You, like everyone else in my life, don't believe in me. It’s a damn good thing I didn't allow myself to be effected by silly notions or you'd have broke my heart just now.
"Okay so the one thing to remember with Noah, is that he is loyal and he didn't just stop loving you because you hurt him." I sniff and cry harder because I hope she is right. "He is right though Bright. You don't trust him to do the right thing. Even now, you're freaking out that he is too unstable to do what he is doing, when I think it's about damn time."
I deserve her frustration, I do and so I accept it. "I know Jenny. I don't know how to not let that fear in though. I am so scared that I will fail and he will go back to that life."
"Sweetie, Noah is clean and sober because he wants to be. He took the pain and the regrets and the suffering and let it to the surface and fought through his therapy and came out the other side better for it and more accepting. His biggest frustration is that he is now perceived as weak."
She sighs and I can hear the frustration in her voice. I don't know if it is for me, or for his support system, or for all of us.
"Look Bright. I am only telling you this because I think you are exactly what Noah needs, but there is a point you do have to chose if he is what you need. If so then trust him, trust in him and have his back. Otherwise be his sponsor, help him get through this tour and say goodbye at the end."
"I do trust him Jenny. I had a lot of time to think after he left and my fear was that he is done with me. I am not scared of him using or doing something to get hurt. I am terrified of losing him." I try to catch my breath because I am sobbing. "I have never been in love before and I got scared Jen, I panicked!" I am almost hysteric now and hate the feeling of loss, so profound in my chest. "I am so sorry."
"Because I believe you I am telling you this to do with it what you will." I hear her voice drop before hearing a door close. "Sorry I was with Sully last night and he is passed out on my couch so I had to get quiet."
She says and I wonder if they hooked up but say nothing because I have my own love life to deal with. "We didn't do anything, Jesus!" She says and I wonder if I was thinking out loud. Before I can ask she explains.
"yesterday was a hard day for him. It was an anniversary of sorts so he needed a safe place after he got shitty wasted."
I smile sadly. "Jen, I wasn't judging you. The thought crossed my mind but it isn't my place or business."
"Well you're one of the few who don't judge me and I appreciate it."
"What do I do Jenny?" I ask and it hurts like hell to think that this is it. Poof! He's gone.
"Noah is about to land here in Tacoma within the hour, and I am on my way to pick him up. He is just as hurt and broken. Now, what you need to decide is what you'll do with that info."
I knew exactly what she was saying and told her thank you and dialed Raleigh, who God bless him, had been with me most of the day.
"How you doing baby girl?" He asks and I hear him stifle a yawn. It's after midnight and I feel awful.
"Ral, I'm so sorry to wake you." I rush the words out as I grab my suitcases, not emptied yet. "I need you to get up and start packing because we are flying to Washington tomorrow
"Oh no, you have lost it haven't you Bright? Honey if I have said it, its because I've done it a million times before I learned. Stalking is bad B."
I laugh for a few reasons but mainly because he is a bit of an obsessed ex when he gets dumped but also because he thinks I'm that dumb. "Jesus Ral, no I'm not going to stalk him- " I stop when I think that yeah, this is kinda psycho. "Okay maybe a little. Look I just called Jen freaking out because I didn't know where he was and she told me and I quote 'Noah is about to land here in Tacoma within the hour, and I am on my way to pick him up. He is just as hurt and broken. Now, what you need to decide is what you'll to do with that info.' So get up and get dressed because we are going."
"Bright… Are you sure? What about the Brew?" I think on it for a moment and he has a great point, but I need him with me for this.
"Ral, it'll be here when we get back. I haven't ever been in love before but I can't stomach just walking away. I need to fight for him regardless if he keeps me or not and I need you there in case it’s a not."
"He needs to fight for you too. He could have told you-"
I cut him off. "Ral, he was testing me. Yes it is fucked up in a major way but I know why he did it, I get it and it doesn’t matter to me."
He sighs and I hear him roll from the bed. "Fine. I will come as back up and drive the getaway car if you end up a broken hot mess in thousand dollar shoes."
I laugh and tell him thank you. "So what time does operation 'bare Brights soul start?"
"No clue babes. I need to get the tickets now so standby I'll call you back"
"Bitch you got me outa bed with no plan? You better call me once you got a plan in action."
"Raleigh, eat a dick and get ready."
You spend your life in a dream that you can't escape
'Cause you live your life in a coma, you're never awake
If you'd open your eyes then maybe you'd see what's at stake
You're sleeping, you're sleeping
NF~Wake Up
Chapter Twenty
Noah
"Hey babe, thanks for coming to get me." I say as I hug her close, so fucking happy to be in her presence.
"How you holding up?" Jen asks me and tried to take my carryon bag, like I'd fuckin let her.
I just shake my head and make my way to the baggage pick up. "I'm good Jen, I just wanna let it all go now. I'm done with trying to prove who I am when everyone knows and refuses to see."
I had spent the night in the airport waiting on my flight in the VIP lounge and my hood of my jacket hiding me away. I wanted to be lost in the world right now. I let Jen know before I landed that I would need a ride from her or Sul.
I couldn’t talk about what it felt like knowing that you were in love with someone who didn't believe or trust in you. That everyone I love, feels the same fear Bright does.
I thought about how I shattered it all.
I also thought of all the shit I ate to prove I was never going there again.
Didn't matter and I was fueled with anger for it. Right now I had to suck up dinner with the fam and being thankful. Hard to do right now, but I will because I refuse, refuse to hurt them anymore.
My blessing are easy to count, they are all people. My misfit family. My fans. The inmate and his woman aren't far from my blessing either. Dude looked offended for me and I hoped Cody was feeling that wrath right now.
Harsh?
Eat my ass if you think so. You go right on ahead and live my life and tell me you can't hate. Hate is hate, pure, true and festering for fucking close to thirty years. I am justified and piss and moan about it to someone who will listen if you don't agree.
"Well, I am proud of you Noah. You faced him. Sober. You left Carrie and stayed sober. You fought Bright and stay
ed sober. I knew you would, but you had to know you would."
I nod and laugh when she hops on the cart I am pushing at baggage claim. "I missed you Jen."
A guy looks to her as I say it and rolls his eyes, offended by her production. "Asshole, look all you want I need to make a boy smile."
I laugh again and look to the suit she offended with the same who gives a fuck stare, probably scared him though. Hard to take my stare when you know me, different when you see my darkness and mix it with tats and piercings.
We load the cart, not saying much. Jen is one that lets me think and not talk it through, knows I will when I'm ready. It's what pisses me off the most I think. Jen treats me how everyone used to. She wasn't hurt by my addiction though, and it's what reminds me to suck it up.
We load my gear into the car, my guitars loaded last and in the backseat. I don't travel any flight with my gear not with me and though the bus will be in Chicago after the break, my shit will be tight and with me.
"Take me to Carries." I say and she nods making sure to head to Gig. She looks a little confused, but doesn’t ask me why. There's obvious reasons, and one that isn't. One that tells me I need to be there, in my sisters presence to get through this. To do what I should have done when Candey died.
"I have my GTO there and want to see Noelle and give her my loot I've stock piled for her. I got for Axe too, but know he's with Cal and T."
She laughs. "You spoil them."
"I have too, it's the mark of uncledom."
"Uncledom? Really?"
I stick my tongue out and laugh. "Well yeah, see I am not about to have kids. Like ever. I gotta spoil and give only good to the ones I love."
"You really don't think you'll ever?" She asks me a question I pondered only once in my life.
"I did, when Noelle was born. Candey and me chatted it up one night. She had said she was cool either way and I said no." I look at her, kind of shocked it doesn’t hurt to tell the story like it would have a few short months ago. "I figured, I did my parenting with Carrie and got her hitched and happy and all that. I won't risk that sort of good luck again. I don't mind life on the road and I love the studio tatting. I can give that time up without a concern."
Never Me (TAT: A Rocker Romance #5) Page 22
