The Dance of Intimacy

by Harriet Lerner

  The Dance of

  Intimacy

  A Woman’s Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

  Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

  For Steve Lerner

  Contents

  Authors Note Except for the friends and family

  The Pursuit of Intimacy: Is It Women’s Work? I was cleaning my attic when I came across a poem. . .

  The Challenge of Change At the heart of it all, this book is about change.

  Selfhood: At What Cost? Messages everywhere exhort us to achieve selfhood. . .

  Anxiety Revisited: Naming the Problem “Anxiety is the pits!”

  Distance and More Distance Adrienne called me for an appointment with the goal. . .

  Dealing with Differences “My brother’s views on divorce drive me crazy!”

  Defining a Bottom Line “I used to get really reactive to my father’s drinking,. . .”

  Understanding Overfunctioning Everyone knows that chronic underfunctioners need to change.

  Very Hot Issues: A Process View of Change “What’s a daughter to do about a mother?. . .”

  Tackling Triangles What do you think of when you hear the word “triangle?”

  Bold New Moves: The Story of Linda Linda, a twenty-eight-year-old financial planner. . .

  Our Mother/Her Mother/Our Self Before all else, we are daughters.

  Reviewing Self-Focus: The Foundations of Intimacy Compared to the Good Old Days. . .

  Epilogue Just as the female legacy does not promote. . .

  Acknowledgements

  Appendix

  Notes

  About the Author

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Author’s Note

  Except for the friends and family who have given permission to appear in this book, all names and all identifying characteristics of individuals mentioned have been changed in order to protect their privacy.

  1

  The Pursuit of Intimacy: Is It Women’s Work?

  I was cleaning my attic when I came across a poem I wrote during my sophomore year of college in Madison, Wisconsin. I vaguely recalled the brief attachment that inspired these lines—a steamy start which turned into an unbridgeable distance before either of us knew what was happening:

  Once you held me so hard

  and we were so close

  that belly to belly we fused

  passed through each other

  and back to back

  stood strangers again.

  Neither the poem nor the romance was memorable, and my words certainly did not capture the anguish I felt when an initially blissful relationship failed. But I was reminded of what intimacy is not. And also what it is.

  “All beginnings are lovely,” a French proverb reminds us, but intimacy is not about that initial “Velcro stage” of relationships. It is when we stay in a relationship over time—whether by necessity or choice—that our capacity for intimacy is truly put to the test. It is only in long-term relationships that we are called upon to navigate that delicate balance between separateness and connectedness and that we confront the challenge of sustaining both—without losing either when the going gets rough.

  Nor is intimacy the same as intensity, although we are a culture that confuses these two words. Intense feelings—no matter how positive—are hardly a measure of true and enduring closeness. In fact, intense feelings may block us from taking a careful and objective look at the dance we are doing with significant people in our lives. And as my poem illustrates, intense togetherness can easily flip into intense distance—or intense conflict, for that matter.

  Finally, the challenge of intimacy is by no means limited to the subject of men, marriage, or romantic encounters, although some of us may equate “intimacy” with images of blissful heterosexual pairings. A primary commitment to a man reflects only one opportunity for intimacy in a world that is rich with possibilities for connectedness and attachment.

  Whatever your own definition of intimacy, this book is designed to challenge and enlarge it. It will not teach you things to do to make him (or her) admire you. It does not provide guidelines for a love-in. It is not even about feeling close in the usual and immediate sense of the word. And certainly it is not about changing the other person, which is not possible. Instead, it is a book about making responsible and lasting changes that enhance our capacity for genuine closeness over the long haul.

  Toward Defining Our Terms

  Let’s attempt a working definition of an intimate relationship. What does it require of us?

  For starters, intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to do the same. “Being who we are” requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship. “Allowing the other person to do the same” means that we can stay emotionally connected to that other party who thinks, feels, and believes differently, without needing to change, convince, or fix the other.

  An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.

  Of course, there is much more to this business of navigating separateness (the “I”) and connectedness (the “we”), but I will avoid spelling it out in dry theory. The subject, in all of its complexity, will come to life in later chapters as we examine turning points in the lives of women who courageously changed their steps in relationship dances that were painful and going badly. In each case, these changes were made in the direction of defining a more whole and separate “I.” In each case, this work provided the foundation for a more intimate and gratifying “we.” In no case was change easy or comfortable

  In the chapters that follow, we will continue to evolve a new and more complex definition of intimacy, as well as guidelines for change that are based on a solid theory of how relationship patterns operate and why they get into trouble. The courageous acts of change that we will explore in detail are “the differences that make a difference”—the specific moves we can make with key persons in our lives that will most profoundly affect our sense of self and how we navigate closeness with others. Our goal will be to have relationships with both men and women that do not operate at the expense of the self, and to have a self that does not operate at the expense of the other. This is a tall order, or, more accurately, a lifelong challenge. But it is the heart and soul of intimacy.

  Caveat Emptor (Buyer Beware!)

  I believe that women should approach all self-help books, including this one, with a healthy degree of skepticism. We are forever exhorted to change ourselves—to become better wives, lovers, or mothers—to attract men more or to need them less, to do better at balancing work and family, or to lose those ten extra pounds. There are already more than enough books in print for women who love too much, or not enough, or in the wrong way, or with a foolishly chosen partner. Surely, we do not need more of the same. Yet just as surely, on our own behalf, we may need to become more effective agents of change in our primary relationships.

  Perhaps we should first take time to contemplate why tending to relationships, like changing diapers, is predominantly women’s work. Caring about relationships, working on them, and upgrading our how-to skills have traditionally been women’s domain. When something goes wrong, we are usually the first to react, to feel pain, to seek help, and to try to initiate change. This is not to say that women need relationships more than men do. Contrary to popular mythology, research has shown that women do far better alone than do
their male counterparts and do not benefit as much from marriage. Yet men often seem oddly unconcerned about improving or changing a relationship once they have one. Men are rarely ambitious about improving their people skills, unless doing so will help them move up—or measure up—on the job.

  This being the case, we might ask ourselves some hard questions. Why are women so concerned about upgrading their relationship skills, especially with men? Why are men relatively unconcerned? To understand the origins of this difference, let’s look at traditional love and marriage, for it is here that the imbalance in “relationship work” is most conspicuous.

  Women Are the Experts

  I grew up at a time when relationship skills for girls and women were nothing short of tools for survival. The rules of the game were clear and simple: Men were to seek their fortune, and women were to seek men. A man’s job was to make something of himself in the world; a woman’s job was to find herself a successful man. Despite my own career plans, I felt it to be the most basic and immutable difference between the sexes. Men must be somebody; women must find somebody. Nor was “finding somebody” (to say nothing of “keeping” that somebody) a task to be taken lightly. The brilliance that my college friends and I put into our discussions of men far outshone what we put into our academic studies.

  Today, women are no longer exclusively defined by our connection to men and children, yet we still remain dedicated experts on the subject of relationships. Although females may have some biological edge in our interest in and attunement to the nuances of interactions, the bulk of our wisdom does not come to us through the magical gift of “feminine intuition” which is carried on the X chromosome. Rather, in relationships between dominant and subordinate groups, the subordinate group members always possess a far greater understanding of dominant group members and their culture than vice versa. Blacks, for example, know a great deal about the rules and roles of white culture and relationships. Whites do not possess a similar sensitivity to and knowledge about blacks.

  While women once acquired relationship skills to “hook,” “snare,” or “catch” a husband who would provide access to economic security and social status, the position of contemporary women has not changed that radically. Much of our success still depends on our attunement to “male culture,” our ability to please men, and our readiness to conform to the masculine values of our institutions. In my own career, for example, these skills, and my willingness to use them, influence whether my papers will be accepted in professional journals, whether I will move up in my workplace, and whether my projects will be perceived as trivial or significant. Before the recent feminist movement, women depended entirely on men for the validation and dissemination of our ideas and for our definition of what was important. Whether we work in the home, in the “pink-collar ghetto,” or at the top of the executive ladder, women cannot easily afford to alienate men or to be ignorant about their psychology. Even today, a woman who loses her husband will also probably lose her social status and her (and her children’s) standard of living along with him.

  Finally, our society still does not accord equal value to women without a male partner, despite the fact that a good man is indeed hard to find—even more so as we become older and more mature. Having absorbed the lesson that “half a loaf is better than none” (i.e., any man is better than no man), we may compromise our standards more than we are later comfortable with. We may then put our energies into trying to change him, which can be as energy-consuming as it is impossible. Pushing a partner to change is about as effective as trying to make friends with a squirrel by chasing it.

  To say that our orientation toward relationships evolves, in part, from women’s subordinate status does not imply that our feelings are misguided, excessive, or wrong. To the contrary, the valuing of intimacy and attachment is an asset, not a liability. Surely, women’s commitment to relationships is part of our proud legacy and strength. The problem arises, however, when we confuse intimacy with winning approval, when we look to intimate relationships as our sole source of self-esteem, and when we enter relationships at the expense of the self. Historically speaking, women have learned to sacrifice the “I” for the “we,” just as men have been encouraged to do the opposite and bolster the “I” at the expense of responsible connectedness to others.

  Men’s Lack of Concern

  Men seldom become scholars on the subject of changing their intimate relationships, because they do not yet need to. Women often demand surprisingly little in relationships with men, whether the issue at hand is emotional nurturance or who cleans up the kitchen. We may settle for small change with a lover or husband and tolerate behaviors and living arrangements that we would not find acceptable or deem fair in a close female friendship. Parents, too, may expect less from their sons (“Boys will be boys”) than from their daughters in the realm of communication and responsible connectedness, while children learn to expect less from their fathers. Until we are able to expect more from men in order to stay with them or continue business as usual, it is unlikely that men will feel called upon to change or even to pay attention.

  In marriage, the gap between men and women in their attunement to relationships often widens dramatically over time. Dad need not notice that little Sam has holes in his sneakers, or even that his mother’s birthday is coming up, if his wife moves in to take up the slack and handle the problem. Nor need he put much emotional energy into his parents’ arrival for an extended visit if his spouse will plan their entertainment or make sure that there is toilet paper in the house. As long as women function for men, men will have no need to change.

  Men often feel at a loss about how to become experts on close relationships, although their anxiety may be masked by apathy or disinterest. Many men have been raised by fathers who were most conspicuous by their emotional or physical absence, and by omnipresent mothers whose very “feminine” qualities and traits they, as males, were taught to repudiate in themselves. The old definition of “family” hardly provided a good training ground for developing a clear male self in the context of emotional connectedness to others. Men tend to distance from a partner (or get a new one) when the going gets rough, rather than to hang in and struggle for change.

  Finally—and perhaps most significantly—males are not rewarded for investing in the emotional component of human relationships. In our production-oriented society, no accolades are given to men who value personal ties at the expense of making one more sale, seeing one more client, or publishing one more paper. There is a popular joke in my profession about the psychoanalyst’s son who reports that he wants to be “a patient” when he grows up. “That way,” the small boy explains, “I’ll get to see my father five times a week!” Such jokes are told with barely disguised pride, not with apology, by men who are truly dedicated to their work. Let’s face it, fame and glory do not come to men who strive to keep their lives in balance and who refuse to neglect their important relationships. The rewards in doing so can only be private ones.

  I believe that for both women and men the most significant area of learning is that of understanding and enhancing our intimate relationships with our friends, lovers, and kin. Although I have chosen to speak directly to women, the subject is no less relevant to men, whom I also invite to read this book. All of us develop through our emotional connectedness to others, and we continue to need close relationships throughout our lives. Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others.

  When we distance from significant others or pretend we don’t need people, we get in trouble. Similarly, we get in trouble when a relationship begins to go badly and we ignore it or put no energy into generating new options for change. Fortunately it is never too late to learn to move differently in our key relationships. While in the short run the changes we make—and the initial reactions we evoke—may leave us feeling scared, frustrated, angry, and very separate, like
many things in life it’s a matter of sitting with short-term anxiety for long-term gain.

  2

  The Challege of Change

  At the heart of it all, this is a book about change. My hope is not that you will acquire a list of how-to-do-it techniques for “getting close,” but rather that you will become more knowledgeable on the dynamics of change than you ever imagined possible.

  Why change? Only by working to develop and redefine the self in our key relationships can we really increase our capacity for intimacy. There is, quite simply, no other way.

  To Change or Not to Change

  In our rapidly changing society we can count on only two things that will never change. What will never change is the will to change and the fear of change. It is the will to change that motivates us to seek help. It is the fear of change that motivates us to resist the very help we seek.

  A story is told of a New England farmer asked to attend a forthcoming meeting at the county seat. The farmer asked, “Why should I attend the meeting? What benefit will I get from attendance?” “Well, the meeting will teach you how to be a better farmer,” came the enthusiastic reply. The farmer was thoughtful for a few moments and then commented, “Why should I learn how to be a better farmer when I’m not being as good a farmer as I know how to be now?”

  All of us have deeply ambivalent feelings about change. We seek the wisdom of others when we are not making full use of our own and then we resist applying the wisdom that we do seek even when we’re paying for it. We do this not because we are neurotic or cowardly, but because both the will to change and the desire to maintain sameness coexist for good reason. Both are essential to our emotional well-being and equally deserve our attention and respect.