I had this odd moment of clarity where time stood still. As usual my body and my brain were arguing. My body missed Jimmy so much and wanted to see him and touch him. It would be a fun time and a new experience to party with the winning team. But my brain, and maybe my heart, were more cautious and even afraid. My defences were certainly up.
As I gazed out into Phil’s jungly backyard, I realized I could see the reflection of the room. Ben was still talking, but April and Phil were watching me and both of them were looking worried. I could see my good friends were afraid I was going to get hurt again.
I closed my eyes. I could imagine the whole evening, me clinging to the side of the team’s big hero, while everyone congratulated him and partied like drunken eighteen-year-olds. I’d get to be arm candy or chaperone. Frankly, neither role appealed to me.
My moment of suspended time ended, and I spoke into the phone, “Sorry, Jimmy. I’ve got plans with my friends tonight. I’ll catch you later.”
I hung up before he could say another word. Then I turned and smiled at everyone.
“Did somebody mention Twister?”
The evening turned out to be a lot of fun, and I didn’t regret my decision for one second. As the designated driver, I took everyone home. Ben first, even though he lived farther away, and then April. They actually sat together, giggling in the back seat and leaving me to feel like a chauffeur. I was happy to see April enjoying herself though. When I stopped at Ben’s place, I tried not to look in the rear view mirror. She hopped in the front after, and her lipstick was smeared.
“Well?” I asked.
“He’s… nice.”
“So descriptive. No wonder you almost flunked English 11.”
“I believe that was more due to excessive absenteeism,” she remarked with a snooty English accent.
“So, are you seeing Ben again?”
“Yes, we’re going out this weekend. A nice restaurant downtown. Ben’s been everywhere cool.” She smiled happily. Ben was nice-looking and a nice dresser; he met all April’s boyfriend criteria. But he was a really nice person as well, so I approved too, if anyone cared.
“2007 is starting off well.” She yawned.
That was debatable. It wasn’t until I pulled into my driveway I noticed I didn’t have my cellphone. I remembered placing it on the side table after I hung up on Jimmy. Maybe Phil would still be up and I could grab it. I went back to his place, walked around the back and peeked in the glass doors. Phil was sitting there, and he got up and opened the door as soon as I tapped on it. It was like he was waiting for me.
He sat back down on the couch, and I perched on the arm of it.
“I forgot my cell.”
“I know. I found it.” He pulled it out of his pocket and handed it to me.
“Thanks.” I paused. “And thanks for tonight and the other night. It was really nice, like we were all back in high school again.” When things were simple.
“You know, things could be simple again.” Was he reading my mind? I made a face.
“It’s easy to tell what you’re thinking, Kelly. You’re this optimist who wants things to go right. But you have to face facts sometimes.”
“What facts?”
“Not every guy may be as nice as your high school boyfriend.”
“I told you how nice you are. Let’s not get into the other stuff now.”
“Whatever.” Phil looked like he had a lot more to say, but for once he shut up. But he still had one more zinger as he handed me my phone.
“Oh, and James called.”
“What?”
“Yeah, and I spoke to him.”
Uh oh, this was not good.
“Phil, it’s not for you to—” I glared at him. “What did you say?”
“I told him to man up and be nice to you.”
“You don’t need to do that, I can protect myself.”
“Really, ’cause on Tuesday night I got the feeling you weren’t doing such a shit hot job of that.”
“You know, I’m pretty sick of guys telling me what’s best for me. I can decide what I want to do for myself. And right now, I don’t want to see you or talk to you.”
Phil had a funny expression on his face, like he was totally expecting this. I turned and left.
* * *
Jimmy
Around midnight, I decided to call Kelly again. I had been drinking, which probably affected my judgment, but I really wanted to see her. It was incredible being out with the guys after a huge win like tonight, but there were a lot of chicks hanging around and I couldn’t help thinking about Kelly. Maybe she would be done with her friends or sulking or whatever, and we could meet up.
Her cell rang quite a few times, and I wondered if she had gone to bed.
“Hi, James.” It was a guy’s voice!
“Who’s this?”
“It’s Phil, remember? Kelly’s friend.” He put an odd emphasis on the word friend. “Great game tonight,” he continued. “Really nice goal in the first. Yeah, you’re certainly a world class hockey player.”
“Uh, thanks.” This was a little weird, “Is Kelly—”
“Too bad you’re such a jerk as a human being.”
“What?”
“Yeah, Kelly hasn’t said a word, she’s too loyal for that, but from what I can see, you froze her out because she was interfering with your game day concentration. You let her know where she stands with you—that’s she’s not important to a big hockey star.”
“Look, you don’t know anything about us. And I can tell you’re jealous.”
But he kept on in this calm, cold voice. “Oh yeah, I do think I’d be better for her, but that’s because I don’t hurt her. I care about her.”
“I care about her,” I declared. Nobody cared about Kelly more than me.
“Wanna know something? I’ve known Kelly for ten years, and I had only seen her cry once. Back in Bantam, this big idiot from Sechelt came and checked her from a mile away. She crumpled up and lay on the ice. When I skated over I knew it was serious because she was crying. Turned out her arm was broken in two places. Shit, anyone would be crying.” He took a breath. “But on Tuesday night, I got to see her cry again. And that was thanks to you. Way to go, asshole.”
Kelly had been crying? Man, that was hard to imagine.
“You know something else? Kelly’s going to be furious when she finds out I told you off. She may even decide not to talk to me for a while, which would suck. But I’m still going to tell her, because I’m a man and men own their crap. They don’t blame it on their girlfriends like a little baby.”
Then he hung up. And left me holding my cell and feeling like the world’s biggest loser.
39
Drowning
I woke up feeling refreshed and happy and tried to figure out why. Maybe it had to do with telling off both the guys in my life and asserting myself for once. I checked the time on my cell and realized that Phil had turned it off last night. It came to life, flashing a bunch of missed calls and texts, all from one person. I scrolled quickly through the texts and saw apologies, declarations of affection, and pleas to meet. I suspected this was a combination of booze and whatever Phil had said to him.
A call came in as I was scrolling. Guess who?
“Kelly? Finally, I’ve got you. Look, we’re flying home this afternoon, so I need to see you this morning. Can we meet soon? We could have breakfast, brunch, whatever.”
“Okay, sure. I’ll come downtown and meet you.”
“Is that too much trouble? I could come out to your place.”
“It’s pretty far,” I explained. It was, if you didn’t have a car. I arranged to meet him at his hotel and then hopped in the shower. I was over being upset at him, but in all honesty, I would have preferred not to see him today. Proof of my avoidance strategy of problem-solving.
I spotted Jimmy across the lobby when I got to the hotel. There were a few people around him, probably fans. Immediately, I realized that something was
different. Instead of being drawn to him, I wanted to turn around and leave. If only I had sorted out my feelings beforehand. Once again I regretted that we never had enough time—to spend together or to spend apart.
“Kelly!” Jimmy had spotted me and strode away from the crowd. He squeezed me tightly in his arms. “I’m so happy to see you.”
“Oh hey,” was all I managed to say before his lips met mine. He kissed me hard, his mouth hungry and open. He was putting a lot into this kiss and trying to show me how much he’d missed me. Still, I felt detached and uncomfortable. When he stopped I asked, “Can we go somewhere else? Maybe more private?”
“We can go up to my room,” Jimmy suggested.
I shook my head. “Not that private.”
“We can go for breakfast here.” He looked at his watch. “I don’t think it’ll be too busy now.”
He held my hand, and we went to the restaurant. We passed a couple of young guys who knew Jimmy and gave him knowing looks when they saw me. He stopped and did a formal introduction.
“Meeks, Jonesy, this is my girlfriend, Kelly.”
“Oh hey,” said the taller one. “Did we see you at the party last night?”
I shook my head, and Jimmy explained. “Kelly couldn’t come last night, but she got up early to meet me for a celebration breakfast.” I sensed that he was trying to show I wasn’t some chick he picked up last night or bragged about bagging. How like Jimmy to cover all the bases of apology.
He asked for a table in the back corner. I had one look at the menu and freaked. “Look at the prices, this is ridiculous. The orange juice costs as much as breakfast in a normal place.”
“I’m paying this morning. It’s the least I can do.” He put down his menu and put his hand on top of mine. “Kelly, are we okay?”
“I guess.” My feelings were pretty confused, and I didn’t know exactly how to describe them. I wished I were more articulate.
“Good. I really missed you.”
“So, tell me about the big win last night.”
“Oh man, it was unreal. To be in an NHL-sized arena, with the crowd going crazy the whole game.” Jimmy’s smile was huge. “And when we got our medals, and they played the national anthem—wow.”
I nodded. His night was what I’d always dreamed about when I’d watched the women’s team at the Olympics. I wasn’t sure if being this close to someone who’d done it made me feel better or worse about the fact it wasn’t going to happen to me.
“Of course, we won the championship last year too—but that was in Sweden. It’s not the same as having the home crowd behind you.” He paused. “But you know, that was good in a different way, because the team feels closer, tighter. So, did you want to hear about everything we did afterwards?” I nodded and he went on, but I found my mind wandering.
The waiter interrupted, and we stopped holding hands. He served coffee and took our orders.
“Where’s your medal, anyway?” I’d noticed that a couple of guys in the lobby were still wearing theirs.
“My mom has it. I wore mine for a while, but I didn’t want to take it out to a bar and lose it. Chicks always want to try it on.” He frowned and looked over at me. “I wish you could have been with me last night.”
“I guess you can’t have everything you want.” That sounded extremely bitchy even as the words left my mouth and Jimmy looked shocked.
“Baby, we need to clear the air here. You can’t go on pretending you’re not angry when you are.” He reached across and took my hand again.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think I was angry, only that I had needed a little more time away from Jimmy. That was the way I was, I needed time to process emotional stuff and get my equilibrium back. When I was a kid, my parents laughingly called “Kelly time” my need to go outside and run around when there was arguing or tension. But Jimmy was leaving today, and I was going back to Montreal tomorrow, so time was something we didn’t have. And that was also why the days we spent apart felt like a loss.
“Long distance is so hard,” I said. “We never have enough time.”
“Well, anything worthwhile is going to take some sacrifice.” I realized he did sound like an old man, a disloyal idea planted by Phil. “That’s why we need to plan when we can see each other again. I was thinking that once hockey is over, you could come down for another weekend. And have you thought about Hawaii any more?”
“I told you I can’t afford that trip. So give it a rest.” Jimmy’s constant planning was beginning to feel like a heavy weight on me. I was a spontaneous person, and it was yet another way I had changed to accommodate him.
He frowned at my irritated tone and held my hand tighter. “Kelly, I am so, so sorry for everything that happened in the past few days. You got my texts, right?”
“I deleted them.”
“What? Which ones did you read?”
I made a face. “None of them. You sent a hundred.”
“I sent eight. And they were important.”
The waiter brought breakfast, and Jimmy let go of my hand again. I started poking at my overpriced granola and fruit, but I wasn’t really hungry.
“Kelly, I’ve already apologized for putting things on hold, but this was something important and bigger than us. Well, I also apologized and explained in my texts, but I assumed you read them and understood.”
He wasn’t going to turn this around so it was my fault. So what if I deleted his texts? I was entitled to do petty things because I was upset. Again, I wished I’d had enough time to get over this before I saw him. But maybe I wasn’t going to get over it. Maybe I was always going to be worried that he would hurt me when I wasn’t expecting it, so I was throwing up all my defences.
“It’s not about the games. I get that,” I said.
“Well, what is it about then?”
I shook my head; I didn’t know exactly how to explain how I felt.
Jimmy continued. “I know I hurt you, and I’m so sorry. I heard what happened, and I can’t tell you how gutted I am about that. The fact I made you cry makes me feel so terrible.”
Stupid fucking Davidson. I wished I was still talking to him so I could tell him how I was now doubly not talking to him. “I wasn’t crying about you, if that’s what Phil said.”
“Really? Then why were you crying?
I took a deep breath. “I was crying because I felt like I was turning into one of those girlfriends who is all about her boyfriend. Who thinks that he is so important that everything she feels comes second.”
“That’s dumb. You’re not like that at all. You’re very independent.”
“But you know, what happened—at the arena—that was your idea. I mean, the second time. And that was why you didn’t make curfew.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” He smiled. “But you were so hot that night, nobody could have resisted you.”
That wasn’t cutting any ice with me. “Oh, spare me. I’m such a femme fatale that the sight of me in lingerie brings hockey players to their knees.”
Unfortunately, the waiter arrived at that moment to refill our coffee. I started blushing, and Jimmy had a goofy grin on his face.
“Look, I’m serious about this,” I told him.
He was instantly contrite. “But I was getting reamed by the coach. If I kept seeing you—what if we lost? I’m the captain, and I have to take responsibility. You got that. You said it was okay with you.”
“I’m not reliving this whole deal. I’m just pointing out that if I was fighting with a normal boyfriend, I would have called him on his shit. I would have asked why he was blaming me for something that was his fault. But because you had important games and you were the captain, I didn’t do that. I let it go because I knew you needed to concentrate on hockey.”
“And that’s why you’re the perfect girlfriend for me. You totally understand everything I’m going through.”
I squished a strawberry with my spoon. “But maybe you’re not the perfect boyfriend for me.”
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“What?” Jimmy stopped eating and stared at me.
Wow. I hadn’t intended on breaking up with him, but it certainly seemed to be the way things were going.
“You’re making me feel bad about myself. Like you’re more important than me, and so I have to do everything your way.”
“You’re really important to me,” Jimmy said. His eyes were wide and watchful, and his forehead was creased with worry.
But the thing was, he was more important than me—in a world sense. “It’s weird to watch you on TV, and see how things are blowing up for you. I guess that’s going to be your life from now on.” Although I knew he was heading to the NHL someday, the reality of it had hit me in the past ten days.
“I know. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but the closer it gets…” He paused and looked up at me, his expression still worried but now with a layer of sadness. “It’s hard for me too. I’m learning all the time, and I keep screwing up like I did with you. But you know I don’t make the same mistakes twice. I would not hurt you like that again, ever.”
Yeah maybe, or maybe he would find a new way to hurt me. Caring for someone a lot made you vulnerable, and I hated feeling vulnerable. My time with Jimmy was like a tidal wave that swept us both away, and now I was trying to swim against that current.
“I don’t know—it’s like we met too soon. I’m not sure enough of what I want or what I want to be. I don’t want to be just your girlfriend and have to plan around your schedule. It's an important time for both of us. I don’t think we can be together when we have so many other things going on.”
“Are we breaking up? This is nuts. Most girls want to get with me because I’m going to the NHL, but you want to dump me for that. I can’t help it; it’s what I’ve worked for my whole life. You should be happy about it.”
“I’m happy for you. It’s great for you. But I want to decide my own future, without thinking about you.”
“How am I preventing that? You can do what you want.”
Hockey Is My Boyfriend: Part Two Page 23
