by Tina Martin
He watched her brush tears away from her face. His chest rose up and down quickly, his heart rate increased and he wanted nothing other than to take her upstairs, to their bed and make love to her.
And as they lay, with clammy skin, racing heartbeats and the scent of love filling their bedroom, Carter held her as she rested her head on her favorite part of his chest and said, “I’m sorry I hurt you last night. I was angry and I’ve never felt that way before.”
“It’s fine, Carter.”
“No, it’s not. I hurt you and I want you to know that I’m sorry and it’ll never happen again. I promise you that, Shayla.”
Shayla lifted her head, kissed his chest and said, “Okay, baby.”
And with that, she fell asleep, happy, in love and satisfied, but Carter was worried, because come morning, he would have to bring up the subject of Jacob. That is why she left initially, and there was no sense in keeping Jacob ensconced in both their memories and letting things go as they were. He had to talk to her about it.
Chapter 16
“Good morning, darling,” Carter said when he saw her sitting at the kitchen table, a typical morning for them, sharing coffee and a light breakfast before they started their day.
“Good morning, Carter,” she replied, all smiles, thinking about last night.
Carter sat across from her.
“I’ll get you some coffee.” She got up, took his favorite coffee mug from the cupboard and poured him a cup of coffee. Then walking over next to him, she said, “Here you go, babe,” while taking a kiss at the same time.
She walked back around the table and sat in her chair again.
“We need to talk about Jacob,” Carter told her.
Shayla shook her head. “No, we don’t…at least not now when everything is so perfect between us.”
“And that’s why we need to talk.”
Shayla sighed. “Listen, Carter, I love you, okay. And I’m not angry about Jacob anymore.”
“Then what are you angry about?”
“I’m not angry about anything.”
Carter took a sip of coffee, then wrapped his hands around the cup. “So you’re telling me you’re over it, you don’t want to discuss it and everything is okay. I don’t want you to have any resentment towards me, Shayla.”
“Okay, well, um there is one thing I want to know. And yes, I forgive you for not telling me about Jacob. I’ve accepted it. I do, however, have to ask you something and I need you to be one-hundred percent forthright and honest with me.”
He sat up tall in his chair. “Okay.”
“You said that when you found me, you didn’t know who I was…that it wasn’t until I was admitted to the hospital that you knew, correct?”
“That’s right.”
“And that was because you had found out that I was your brother’s fiancée and he’d ask you to take care of me, correct?”
“Yep. Where are you going with this, Shayla?”
“So if I wasn’t your brother’s fiancée and he didn’t ask you to take care of me, then you wouldn’t have moved me into your house. What I’m asking is, if I hadn’t had any ties to your brother, would you have asked me to move in with you?”
“I don’t see how that’s relevant.”
“Just answer the question, Carter. Would you have moved me in?”
Carter closed his eyes and looked to be in distress when he replied, “No.”
Tears fell from Shayla’s eyes. Had she ever cried this much in life? Or was it just in her dealings with men? Especially this man…
As she felt the wetness slide down her cheeks, all she could think was, here we go again and how tired she was of the back and forth with Carter. Relationships, marriages were not supposed to be this way. Granted she wasn’t naïve enough to believe that once she got married it would be all cupcakes and roses, and that they would live happily ever after with no struggles, but she didn’t expect so much heartache.
“Why are you crying, baby?”
“Because that’s exactly what I feared,” Shayla said.
“What are you talking about?”
“I used to question whether or not I was right for you…or even good enough for you for that matter.”
“Shayla, there’s no need for you to rehash the past.”
“Yes there is, because the truth of the matter is, I wasn’t good enough for you. You just didn’t want to admit it then.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is true! You just said that had I no connection to Jacob, you wouldn’t have brought me home with you. So I wasn’t good enough and this bogus marriage we have is nothing but an accident.”
“No, it’s not. And who cares how we got together? All that matters is that we did, Shayla. There’s no need for you to be in tears, crying and thinking I don’t love you.”
“If you loved me, I mean really loved me, since you first laid eyes on me like you said, why did you answer no to my question just now?”
Carter went mute and sat there watching her. What did she want from him? He was having a hard time trying to figure it out.
“Oh my gosh,” she wailed when he didn’t respond. She ran from the kitchen and went upstairs, sobbing on the bed. Dead center. Face down.
Carter remained sitting at the kitchen table, still thinking about all she’d said. Seemed this issue wasn’t resolved after all and Shayla still felt as if she wasn’t the woman he really wanted. Then again, what woman was? He never wanted an attachment to a woman to start with, but he found himself hooked on her. The problem is, Shayla didn’t see it that way. She felt like he loved her out of pity, like his dream girl was out there somewhere and if he stumbled upon this woman, he’d be filled with regrets for marrying some lady he found beside the road.
Chapter 17
For the next full week, Shayla barely said five words to Carter. The only time she couldn’t avoid him was when he asked her a direct question, like this morning when he asked if she had plans for the night. She told him yes, having already made dinner plans with Rebecca at the Cheesecake Factory. But she didn’t offer him any of those details. She simply replied with a yes and went about her business, and that business entailed going to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. She was sitting at the table when she heard the jingling of his keys.
“Shayla, I’m headed to work.”
“Okay,” she said and didn’t offer him a hug, a kiss or any well wishes for the day. Nothing. She didn’t even look up at him.
Carter set his briefcase on the floor and said, “Look, Shayla, I’ve been trying to be patient with you, but you’re not giving me anything to work with. I can’t go on like this. We haven’t had a conversation in a week.”
“That’s because I don’t know what to say to you.”
“So you say nothing? How is that supposed to fix anything between us? Or do you not want to fix it, Shayla?”
Shayla remained quiet.
Carter grimaced. The sound of nothing was driving him mad. And then he remembered what Donovan had told him – that Shayla wasn’t happy and he couldn’t make her happy. That had been on his mind all week and now he was starting to wonder if there were any truth behind those words. Did Shayla tell Donovan she wasn’t happy? Why would he make that statement? So sucking in a worrisome, heavy breath, Carter said, “Well, if you’re not happy, and obviously you’re not, just…” He took a moment to collect himself before he said what he knew he was about to say. “If you’re not happy, just leave.” He closed his eyes tight, then looked at her again. “All I wanted was for you to be happy, and you’re not happy with me and I am tired of fighting with you…tired of seeing you cry. So please, go find someone to make you happy,” he said with trembling lips, “Because apparently, that person is not me.”
With sad eyes, he took his briefcase from the floor and walked out of the kitchen on to the foyer and out the front door. Standing on the front steps, he hung his head low, wishing he could recant what he’d just said, because by the ti
me he got off work in the evening, he realized that she may have taken his advice and left.
Chapter 18
“Hey, Rebecca,” Shayla said, folding up her umbrella pretending to be happy. She was happy to see her friend, but not happy to be in yet another dispute with Carter. And he really told her to leave...
“So how have you been?”
“I’ve been doing okay…didn’t know it was supposed to storm tonight.”
“Yeah, and I forgot my umbrella as you probably guessed by my flat hair. But it’s cool…I didn’t want to cancel our plans because we haven’t had dinner in a while.”
“Yeah, plus I needed to get out of the house for a while.”
“Uh oh…what’s going on at home?”
“It’s nothing.”
“You sure? I know that Carter Williams is a handful.”
Shayla smirked. “This morning, before he left for work, he told me to leave if I wasn’t happy.”
“What?”
“He told me to leave,” she repeated, forcing tears back successfully and proud of herself for doing so. “He said I should go find someone who makes me happy…”
“Why would he say that?”
“More drama over Jacob. I know we’ve talked about this before, but I still feel like Jacob is the only reason Carter and I are together. And I don’t want to feel like he’s with me because of any outside forces. I want him to love me for me.”
Shayla saw a smile grow on Rebecca’s face that turned into a chuckle.
“Why are you laughing?” she asked her.
“Because Carter is so in love with you, it’s unbelievable. I remember, before he met you, he used to order flowers for all these different women he was seeing at the time and I would joke with him and tell him that one day, he would fall in love and be completely enamored with one woman. He stood me down, tooth and nail, told me it was impossible. Said he would never find a woman who would make him change, rethink his life and definitely not marry. Then you come along and the man has done a complete three-sixty. Did you know that when you were working at the shop with me, before y’all got married, he called me on the days you worked just to see how you were?”
“No, I didn’t know that.”
“And when you moved away, he was heartbroken…just as heartbroken as you were. The point I’m trying to make is, he does love you, Shayla.”
Shayla closed her eyes and let out a sigh. “I know he loves me. But why does he love me?”
“Why does it matter?”
“Because I feel inadequate, Rebecca. I feel like I’m not really the woman he wants, but instead, the woman he settled for.”
“You really don’t know who you’re married to, do you?” Rebecca grinned. “Carter doesn’t settle for anything.”
Shayla released a soft chuckle.
“I remember a few years ago, Carter came to the shop to buy some flowers. I was joking around with him and told him that he was going to make some lady’s day and that’s when he informed me that the flowers were for his home. Now he could’ve settled for some grocery store flowers, but no, he came to my shop to get the real deal. Carter is a man who knows and gets what he wants and trust me…if he didn’t want you, he would not be with you. He would not have crashed our flower convention to tell you how he felt about you in front of strangers, and he definitely would not have put that massive rock on your finger. The man is in love with you, Shayla. It’s that simple.”
Shayla nodded.
“I think the problem is, you feel a lower esteem about yourself and you’re taking it out on him. Am I at least partially right?” Rebecca inquired.
Shayla nodded again.
“And you have no reason to feel bad about yourself. You’re smart and beautiful. You’re a good person, Shayla and you deserve the best. And, sweetie, you have the best.”
“Aw...thanks, Rebecca.”
“You’re welcome. Just remember to appreciate the love y’all have when difficult times arises, because they will. It’s important to remember the good times. You do have good times, right?”
“Yeah. It’s just been rough lately, but listening to you, I realize that most of that is my fault. And I don’t want to fight with him. I just want to be happy.”
“Then be happy. Put a smile on that pretty face of yours, go home and make it work.”
“Yes ma’am!” Shayla quipped. “I don’t even want to eat now.”
“Girl, we can meet up for dinner another time. Your marriage is more important than a slice of cheesecake, now go. Get outta here.”
Shayla happily took her purse from the table then walked over to give Rebecca a hug.
“Call me later,” Rebecca told her.
“Okay, I will.”
With that, she hurried to the car, not bothering to open an umbrella in the steady drizzle. The faster she could get home, the faster she could resume her life with her husband, the man she was in love with. The man of her dreams. Her prince charming. Her fairytale.
In the car, she sped towards home, wanting so desperately to see her husband, when only a few hours ago, she hadn’t said a word to him. And while she drove, she took a call from Jack, who said he’d wanted to visit in a couple of weeks. She told him it would be fine, and that she couldn’t wait to introduce him to Carter.
Chapter 19
Carter felt a sense of despair the entire day. He’d told Shayla to leave, and now he wanted to recant those words he uttered out of anger. That’s why he made it a practice to keep things to himself and not speak when he wasn’t levelheaded, but he let his feelings get the best of him, again, and now he didn’t know if Shayla would come back home. He sat on the bed, buried his face in his hands, feeling the lower half of his stomach churn. What would he do if she didn’t come home?
He felt his apprehension ease away when he heard footsteps coming upstairs. And with each step closer, he tossed around words in his mind, trying to find the right ones – the perfect ones to say to her, or maybe he shouldn’t say anything at all. Maybe he should let her do the talking.
He couldn’t bring himself to look up when she finally stepped in the room. With his head hanging low, eyes angled towards the floor he asked, “Are you leaving me?”
Shayla set her purse on the floor, staring at him as he sat on the bench at the foot of the bed, shirtless, wearing a pair of black boxer shorts. He was distressed, she could tell, and she realized she’d put the man through a lot. She wasn’t the only one who came with baggage. He had some of his own. He had lost a brother. A mother. He had many unanswered questions that plagued him. But tonight, losing his wife is what was tormenting him.
She walked up to him, gently placing her right hand on the back of his head, feeling his curls against her fingers and said, “No. I’m not leaving you,” she remarked softly, then began stroking the dimensions of the muscles bulging out of his back. And moving her soft hands to his face, she angled his head up towards her, saw sadness in his eyes and said, “Carter, I know things haven’t been right between us. And I know some of that is my fault, but I love you too much to walk away from you…way too much,” she said in tears now.
“That’s good to know, because I wouldn’t let you leave me if you tried.”
She smiled, then kissed his lips, feeling Carter’s hands slither up her blouse.
“I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” she said.
After falling asleep together for a few hours, they woke up, three o’clock in the morning, making love again under more rain hammering against the roof. Afterwards, they lay in the center of the bed together, staring at each other intensely.
“Shayla.”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t want to fight anymore.”
“Me either.”
“Then let’s not. From this point forward, if something comes up, let’s talk about it. We need to be open and honest with each other and talk through things. We seriously need to learn to do that, baby.”
Shayl
a nodded.
“I’d rather spend time making love with you than fighting.”
Shayla touched his face affectionately.
“So, right now, while we’re happy and lying here, I want us to make an agreement with each other. No more fighting.”
Shayla giggled. “Carter, we’re going to fight. It’s the thing to do in marriage, right?”
“Not our marriage. Sure, we’ll have disagreements every now and again, but I never want to get to a point where you feel like distancing yourself from me is the only way for you to gain solace. I want to be your sanctuary, your reason for happiness.”
“You are.” She kissed his nose.
“Good.” He kissed her lips. “And no more secrets.”
“No more secrets,” she repeated.
“And on that note, I have to tell you something, darling.”
“Uh oh. What?”
“Um…” He released a heavy sigh. “Jacob had kept a journal before he died and—”
“How do you know that?” she interrupted.
“His doctor told me.”
“His doctor?”
“Yes. Um…Dr. Westbrook, the therapist I took you to a while ago...she was Jacob’s therapist, too.”
“What?”
“Yeah, she—”
“How long have you known that?”
“Since the first day I took you there,” Carter admitted.
Shayla absorbed this and said nothing more about it. “Can I see it?”
“No.”
“Carter?”
“You can’t see it, sweetheart,” he said, remembering things Jacob had confessed in the notebook. “I just wanted you to know that it exists.”
Shayla grew quiet. Why couldn’t she see the journal and read Jacob’s final words? They could’ve done her some good, given her closure, but she knew Carter and he would protect her by any means possible, and maybe that’s why he wouldn’t let her read it. “Thanks for telling me about it,” she responded, leaning into kiss him.
