by Hiatt, Bill
Yup, that crack wasn’t the denial anymore—long gone. That last one was my heart.
“Eva,” I said, trying to keep a pleading tone out of my voice, “you’ve been through a lot. Maybe you should at least sleep on it before—”
“Tal, I haven’t been thinking about anything else since yesterday. Another day is not going to change my feelings.”
“All right,” I said, feeling more than a little desperate. “I get why you can’t just jump from Dan to me. But if you did love me once, even just a little, even puppy love”—God, how I hated that term—“then let’s start over, as if we had just began dating. If you really don’t have feelings for me, well, then you don’t. But how can you know if you don’t at least try?” I didn’t quite get the last part out without a little pleading in my tone, but I had done the best I could.
Again she gave me that sad smile. “Right now I’m so raw emotionally I just can’t commit to anything. I would say, ‘maybe some day,’ but it wouldn’t be fair to tie you down like that. I can’t ask you to wait for me to get my act together.”
“You can ask me anything you want, Eva!” I said, trying to sound loving but not desperate. Then Eva did move in for a kiss, but it was just a peck on the cheek. She might as well have given me the can’t-we-just-be-friends? speech. No doubt that was just around the corner.
“Then I’m asking you to live your life, Tal—without me in it. You’re beautiful, inside and out. I know you don’t realize it now, but you don’t need me and all my baggage to be happy. Half the girls on campus would be willing to go out with you.”
I was about to scoff, but again Eva stopped me. “How is it that good-looking guys never realize they are good-looking? Since you stopped being a loner, you’ve been crush material for more girls than you can imagine. You will find someone to love, someone who knows what she wants, who knows she wants you.”
“I don’t want someone else; I want you—and I don’t care if you have enough baggage to fill a damn hotel!”
“I just can’t, Tal!” she responded with equal determination. “I want to love you, but right now I just can’t. I can’t make myself love you.”
I took her in my arms somewhat more roughly than I intended and stared straight into her surprised eyes. “I can make you love me!”
Until just a few minutes ago, I hadn’t really thought about trying to copy Alcina’s powerful love spell, but after all, I had learned the awakening and reversal spells just by watching Morgan cast them, and I had seen Alcina working her magic at close range during the battle at Goleta Beach, to say nothing of having the spell cast on me earlier. I suddenly realized that I knew how to lay as powerful a romantic compulsion on someone as Alcina had been able to.
Eva had said at least twice that she wanted to love me. What would be so wrong about helping her to feel what she truly wanted? I let my power flash into her eyes, and I could feel her sorrow fade as her love for me blossomed.
Just in time I realized that, despite my pitiful rationalization, what I was doing was enslaving Eva, just as Alcina had enslaved me. Once she was in the grip of my spell, she would have to love me, no matter what. I could pretend she really loved me, I could live that kind of lie…and as the years passed, I might forget it was a lie. I might also forget who I was, becoming day by day more like Morgan and Alcina. I wanted nothing more than I wanted Eva in my arms, in my bed, in my heart for as long as I lived…but not like this, never like this.
I managed to pull back just before Eva’s inner transformation was complete. I had never seen Alcina reverse her spell, but I knew enough about mind control in general to release Eva successfully, leaving her momentarily stunned, but still herself.
“Eva, I’m so sorry!” I said, as realization dawned in her eyes. “I…I will never try that again, I swear. And I will stay away, if that is what you want.”
She still looked confused, but at least she was not angry with me. Nonetheless, too ashamed of what I had almost done to continue the conversation, I turned and bolted out of the courtyard as fast as I could move. I went straight to where I should have gone to begin with: the nurse’s office.
Nurse Florence let me tell my whole story without interruption. I told most of it gazing at the floor, afraid to look up and see the harsh judgment in her eyes. When I finally finished, I did look up, and to my infinite relief, she looked concerned, but also understanding. I knew she was the right person to come to.
“Tal, I had no idea you knew how to cast Alcina’s love spell,” she began.
“Neither did I. Apparently my ability to learn spells has now grown to the point that I can pick them up without even consciously trying as long as I am paying enough attention.”
“All the more reason to be careful,” she continued. “Tal, that spell is dark magic every bit as much as the awakening spell is. It twists reality in ways it is not meant to be twisted—and it twists the caster in the process. Even starting to use it is dangerous. Look inside yourself as you looking inside Dan last night.” I looked at her dubiously. “Just do it, please.” Despite the “please,” I could tell this was not a request, and I complied immediately.
It did not take me long to discover what Nurse Florence knew I would see. I told myself I wasn’t seeing it, but there could be no denying it.
I found a darkness inside of me, just like the one inside of Dan.
“One half-cast spell did that?” I asked incredulously.
Nurse Florence shook her head. “We all have that kind of darkness within us, but it isn’t usually as visible as what you see inside yourself right now. Tal, your power places all kinds of temptations in front of you. You have been spending months, years even, steering away from them. Last night, when your anger caused you to threaten Dan with the awakening spell, the darkness became stronger. You felt its power when you started casting the love spell on Eva. You came so close to losing yourself, Tal!”
“I know. Once Eva was totally in love with me, I don’t know if I would have been able to resist keeping her that way.”
Nurse Florence smiled warmly. “Tal, I may not always agree with your decisions in the moment, but you have a good heart, and apparently also a strong one. Nonetheless, as you power increases, and it seems clear now you could become the strongest caster…well, perhaps ever, you will need to be more and more vigilant. The more you can do, the more you will be tempted to do. The original Taliesin’s experience is no help here, either. From what you have told me, he wasn’t pushed magically anywhere nearly as strongly as you have been.”
I nodded solemnly. “Yeah, with Merlin and the original Viviane around, Taliesin seldom had to exert himself too much, and if he could actually have learned new magic as easily as I, he never realized that. Anyway, I know now just how careful I have to be.”
“It will help to keep yourself as clear as possible of negative emotions—which brings me to Dan.”
I sat straight up in the chair and stared at her open-mouthed. “How can you bring up that bastard right now?”
“That ‘bastard’ has fought by your side, Tal. He has risked his life for you, just as much as any of the others. I am even more convinced than ever after today’s events that you need to forgive him if you want to keep your own darkness at bay.”
“I can’t,” I said, much more loudly than I intended.
“Not even for Eva? Not even for the next person you are tempted to use dark magic on?”
“That’s not fair! And he hurt Eva every bit as much as he hurt me!”
“Tal,” said Nurse Florence gently. “I’m not defending what he did; it was horrible. But he was twelve. And there’s something else…”
“I’m listening,” I said grudgingly.
“You remember that when I was vetting him as a possible guardian for you that I dream-walked him.” I nodded. “Well, I don’t see how I could have missed a betrayal as drastic as the one you discovered. I admit that dream-walking is not as precise or targeted as mind-reading like yours, but still,
a guilty secret that big will show up in his dreams in one way or another. I saw him hurt by what he felt was you betraying him after you got out of the hospital, like dropping out of all the things you used to do together, but I didn’t see even a hint of his conscious manipulation of Eva to break her away from you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked impatiently.
“Well, it could mean that the memories of his betrayal weren’t in his mind then—which could, in turn, mean that they are false memories, implanted later.”
“That’s ridiculous! You’re grasping at straws here.”
“Am I? I examined him enough after that incident with Stan and Eva to know that someone else’s magic was on him, and you said yourself that his behavior was uncharacteristic that day. We know now that Ceridwen was trying to isolate you, make you easier prey.”
“Sure, by getting Stan and Dan at odds and forcing me to choose. She probably figured I would choose Stan and lose everybody else.”
“Ceridwen’s schemes were often more complex than that, though. Suppose she wanted to make doubly sure you and Dan separated by planting those memories for you to find later. That kind of memory implant often causes behavioral disruptions. That could account for the darkness, which you thought at one time could be the product of hostile magic, and for Dan’s occasional over-the-top reactions.”
“But Eva has those memories too!” I protested.
“I never have examined her. There was no time that day, and afterward other matters became far more urgent. Ceridwen could have implanted comparable memories in her. Remember that she too was acting strangely that day. I suspected hostile magic, but those changes could have been the after-effects of having false memories implanted within her. Ceridwen was on campus that day; we know that. With enough planning she could have created that whole betrayal scenario and altered their memories enough to make it seem plausible.”
“OK,” I said grudgingly, still not entirely convinced, “examine them now. I will too. Let’s see whether those memories are real or not.”
Nurse Florence sighed. “I doubt it will be that simple to tell, and frankly, we have more pressing business, not the least of which is finding some way to restore Stan and Carla. You know what I would like, Tal?” She leaned forward, eying me intensely. “I would like you to forgive Dan or at least find some way to reincorporate him into the group. We can figure out what happened later, but your warriors need to be united behind you in case some new threat emerges, and another feud with Dan is not going to help that.”
I was about to respond indignantly when Nurse Florence’s glance over my shoulder indicated that we were not alone. Turning quickly, I saw Jimmie’s ghost, looking solid as any normal person, though I was willing to bet he had just walked through the wall. He stopped right next to me, looked straight into my eyes, and shook his head sadly.
“Tal, this isn’t normal,” said Nurse Florence quickly.
I couldn’t help laughing a little. “My best friend has turned into King David. My girlfriend has turned into a medieval sorceress. One of my friends has adopted a half djinn as his little brother. Just a few days ago I had to outwit a dragon. It seems to me a ghost should fit right in!”
“Be serious!” she said to me in a tone that indicated she meant business. “Genuine hauntings are comparatively rare in the first place, and the ghost typically can’t remain visible for such long periods of time. Nor do ghosts normally look so realistically human. Tal, if I wasn’t magically sensitive, I couldn’t tell Jimmie was a ghost. This is probably a result of the same process that made your mother psychic. Somehow, Jimmie’s proximity to you has gradually increased his power, allowing him to become visible at will.”
I tried to take my eyes off Jimmie and failed. “While we are on the subject, shouldn’t Jimmie be appearing the age he was when he died, rather than the age he would be now?”
Nurse Florence nodded. “Ghosts that progress just as if they were still living are very, very rare. The Order suspects it means that the ghost has stayed with family and friends ever since he died.”
“So Jimmie was never at peace?” I asked worriedly. The look in his eyes should have answered that question for me.
“It isn’t uncommon for people to linger a little after death, especially an unexpected one. My guess is that Jimmie was around long enough to see you and Dan drift apart, and that he has stayed with you both in an effort to get you to reconcile.”
“Is that true, Jimmie?” I asked him. He nodded and kept staring into my eyes.
The thought that Jimmie had spent the last seven years as a restless spirit made me want to reach out and hug him, comfort him, find some way to send him on his way. The problem was that what he undoubtedly wanted me to do was the one thing I just couldn’t. I would have crawled naked over broken glass for him. But forgive Dan for him? How could I?
Then the realization struck me like lightning. “If Jimmie has been with us all along, then he knows whether those memories Dan and Eva have are true or not!”
Nurse Florence looked alarmed. “Tal, you can’t put him in the position of betraying his own brother—or you. We may never put him to rest if you force him into that kind of situation.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Nurse Florence and I both jumped at the sound of Jimmie’s voice, which seemed hauntingly like Dan’s voice about a year ago.
“Tal, I was with you in the hospital most of that time. I can only be one place at a time. If Dan made Eva stop liking you, I wasn’t around to see it.”
“You can…talk now?” I asked stupidly.
“Yeah, I couldn’t earlier in the day, but now I can.”
“Definitely feeding off your connection to Annwn,” said Nurse Florence, her “scientific” interest piqued.
“Tal, haven’t I been through enough?” Jimmie asked plaintively. “I died at nine, and then I couldn’t figure out how to move on. I wanted to, but at first I wanted to stay with you and Dan more. Then, when I finally began to think I could move on, you went to the hospital, and then I had to stay to see what happened. You got better, but then you weren’t friends with Dan anymore, and I knew I couldn’t move on until you became friends again. But I was so happy when that finally happened that I wanted to stay just a little longer and enjoy it—and then it didn’t last! I stayed too long, and now you aren’t friends again, and I can’t stand it! You don’t know Tal; you just don’t know. It hurts! It hurts so bad!”
By this point I was trying to hold back my tears. “What hurts, Jimmie?”
“At first I didn’t notice it, but the longer I stay, the more I feel it. I keep feeling the accident. You know, the one that killed me.”
I couldn’t help remembering the pain I’d felt when I was first hit by the awakening of my previous lives. So many of them were dominated by the memory of violent death.
“This must be a side effect of his staying on this plane of existence for so long,” said Nurse Florence. “The only way to relieve him is to help him move on.”
“Please, please Tal!” said Jimmie. When he was alive, I could never say no to him. Was I really ready to start now?
Reflexively I reached out to hug him. Of course, I couldn’t hug a ghost—except that I did. I felt him in my arms. I even felt his warmth, warmth that had faded away seven years ago. Shocked, I pulled away.
“He’s not a ghost! He’s a shifter!” I had White Hilt out faster than he could move a muscle. Whatever this shifter wanted, it couldn’t be good.
“Wait!” yelled Nurse Florence. “He’s physical, but that’s not a real body.”
Jimmie looked at White Hilt’s fire, and I could swear I saw tears glistening in his eyes.
“What do you mean?” I kept my eyes fixed on Jimmie, if that was indeed who he was.
“Ghosts can occasionally assume physical form, normally only briefly. Apparently, Jimmie’s greater strength is allowing him to stay solid for a longer period.”
“Are you sure?�
� Having been fooled so often by supernatural beings, I was not taking any chances.
“You know how well I can read someone’s physical condition. He isn’t breathing. His heart isn’t beating. He doesn’t even have separate organs.”
“He felt warm in my arms!”
“And if you held him long enough, you might have thought you felt his heart beating too, but I can guarantee you it would not be a real one.”
Slowly I put away White Hilt. Then I hugged him again. After all, if it was Jimmie, I had never been able to say a proper good-bye to him, so I might as well take advantage of the opportunity. Sure enough, I could have sworn he was breathing and that he had a heartbeat. I wasn’t as good as Nurse Florence at reading a body, but I gave it a try, and sure enough, on the inside Jimmie was just a…mass—no distinct parts at all. No shifter could turn into that kind of form and live.
“Tal,” said Nurse Florence gently, “as far as I know, there is no record of a ghostly manifestation this strong. We are in completely new territory.”
“Not for the first time,” I quipped, patting Jimmie on the head. Actually, since this Jimmie was taller than I was, the gesture seemed a little silly, but I had a hard time not thinking of him as the nine-year-old he had been when he died.
“Nonetheless, we need to get him taken care of soon. It’s possible if he stays solid too long that it will interfere with his effort to pass on properly.”
“I can control it,” said Jimmie, who reached out and passed his hand right through me to demonstrate.
“Jimmie, we can’t take any chances,” insisted Nurse Florence. “Tal, you know what you have to do.”
Well, that was the problem. I did know what I had to do. I could not have loved Jimmie more if he had been my own brother. A few weeks ago, I would have said I would do anything to save him from pain. Now it turned out that there was one thing I wouldn’t—couldn’t—do.
I didn’t think I could forgive Dan and go back to being friends, not even for Jimmie.
