He nodded, taking my hand in his. He held that small piece of me as though it were fragile, as though if he let go, it'd break.
"Is that why you jumped?" he asked.
I nodded.
"Partially," I said. "I jumped because I just wanted to feel something. I needed to feel something, because I've been numb for over a year now."
"And did you?"
I took a deep breath.
Had I felt something when I jumped? Had I felt something when all the images from that night came flooding back to me? Had I felt something when I looked up and saw Colin, my knight in shining armor?
In just one night, so many things had changed, and I could feel in the depths of my soul that the changes were far from being over. Things were only going to get better, and I knew that when they did, it would be all thanks to Colin.
I'd felt relieved, alive, and whole again when Colin pulled me out of the water. Nearly everything that I'd felt, the entire weight of the terrible thing that had happened to me was suddenly lighter.
"Yes," I said. "I did. I felt like I had a reason to live when I thought that I was going to die."
I watched as he stood up, walking over to me and leaning against the table. His arms opened, inviting me in, a safe haven that was mine and mine alone for the time being. He cradled me gently, pulling me close to him as I slowly gave in to his embrace. It wasn't until my face was buried in his shirt that I realized I had been crying. Tears soaked his shirt, and I couldn't stop the endless river that flowed from my eyes.
"Shh," he whispered, rubbing small circles on my back.
"It's okay.” His voice was soothing, caring. "Let it all out."
I nodded against him, ashamed of my tear-filled outburst and fearful that it would push him away from me. I wrapped my arms around him, not sure what else to do. All I wanted to do was hold on to him because he was keeping my head above the water. He was keeping me from drowning in my own despair and all I wanted to do was hold him and never ever let go.
"I've been walking around like the shadow of a broken girl for months now, feeling as though I didn't have a place here in this world, as though I've deserved every bad hand I'd been dealt," I said. "When I jumped in that lake tonight, I felt as though I deserved to die--I've been feeling like this ever since it happened."
I couldn't look at him, wouldn't look at him. I just couldn't bear it if there was a look of pity in his eyes. Here I was, this stranger, this bird with a broken wing, wandering aimlessly, crying into the arms of a boy I didn't know. I didn't want his pity, I didn't need his pity. I just needed to be held.
And he held me. His arms held me in a cocoon of protection, of shelter. They held me together, held all the pieces of me, and kept them safe. He held me like no one ever had, and that made me look up at him.
He continued to hold me tenderly as his eyes bored into mine like they had so many times already that night. They held no judgment, no pity, only a look of concern. He did care about me. I felt it all the way to my toes. I felt how much he cared for me, and although I knew that I didn't deserve any of it, I cherished it.
"Colin," I said, my voice hoarse.
He pulled away from me, his hand cradling my face as he gazed into my eyes. Even in my severely emotional state, all I could think about was how amazing it would be to kiss him. I imagined the exquisite feel of his lips on mine, his tender touch as his soft hands explored my body, inch by inch.
"What is it?" he asked, his eyes filling with concern.
I leaned into his hand, closing my eyes as I reveled in his touch, not knowing when or if I'd be this close to him again. His thumb stroked my cheek gently, and I opened my eyes, smiling up at him.
"I've felt so broken," I said. "I've felt so fragile. I don't want to feel this way anymore."
He moved his hand slightly, placing it at the nape of my neck, cradling my head against his chest. I couldn't deny the attraction I felt around him, or the way my heart was betraying my mind by thinking of him as more than a stranger.
"How do you feel tonight, Nickayla?" he asked.
My goodness. The way he said my name sent shivers down my spine. I struggled to compose myself enough to answer his question.
Looking into his eyes, I saw all the things that I was feeling etched in his features. His easy smile, the light in his sparkling green eyes, his gentle touch--they were all showing me that he felt the same way I did.
My soul felt complete, like it had found the only other partial soul that fit perfectly. When he held my hand in his, it felt as if they were always meant to hold. I had found something with Colin that I didn't even know that I was searching for. Something awakened within me that I didn't know existed.
"Honestly, Colin tonight is the first night I've felt alive in a long time," I said.
And it was.
Two.
I awoke feeling refreshed. I hadn't slept through the night in what felt like years. Colin had graciously given me his bed, while he slept on the floor in his room. He'd offered to sleep in the living room, but I was afraid to sleep alone. I was afraid of the nightmares.
Since it happened, I'd been having nightmares every night. On the weekends, sometimes my nieces would come over--either Nathan's twins, Kenzie and Callie, or Nikky's daughter who was born during our freshman year, Emerson--and I'd offer to share my bed with them, in the hopes that their company would shield me from the nightmares. When the girls weren't staying the night, I just suffered through the nightmares alone. Sometimes I could sleep through the night, but others, I was hopeless.
I hadn't slept alone in months, and I wasn't about to start last night. Colin and I talked into the wee hours of the night, when my eyes finally drifted closed, during which time I learned everything there was to know about Colin Westwick.
I sat up to stretch, looking for him. The blankets he used had been folded, and he was gone. I was shocked to say the least. I got out of the bed, looking around the room for any indication as to what had happened to him. I spotted a pile of clothes sitting on his computer desk, and I walked over to it.
They were the clothes I'd had on last night. I tugged off Colin's t-shirt, folding it and placing it on the foot of his bed.
I pulled on my bra, then my tank top and shorts. It felt great to be in my own clothes again, although I'd felt strangely comfortable in Colin's shirt.
I started to walk towards the door to leave the room, but my eye caught a piece of paper on the desk.
Nickayla,
You were sleeping so peacefully; I didn't want to wake you. When you wake, come downstairs. Breakfast is waiting.
I smiled, rushing out of the room and down the stairs. As soon as I hit the bottom of the stairs, the smell of bacon assaulted my senses, and my stomach growled in response.
When I walked into the kitchen, a young girl of about 15 was waiting, sitting at the table and serving herself.
Her hair was long, an elegant blue-black, and her features didn't match Colin's at all.
"Hi, I'm Susanna," she said, smiling up at me. "People call me Suze."
Then I saw it. She had his eyes.
"I'm Nickayla," I said. "Most people call me Nic."
I sat down across from her, as I admired the setup of food on the table. There were waffles, bacon, scrambled eggs, and cinnamon rolls, displayed elegantly on the table as though it were my personal all-you-can-eat buffet.
Susanna handed me a plate, and I began to serve myself. I normally didn't eat much, but I was hungry. I served myself a waffle, two pieces of bacon, some eggs, and one cinnamon roll.
"Is there orange juice?" I asked.
Susanna looked up at me, and then reached for the carafe. I had never seen one in someone's house before.
"Thanks," I said, pouring some into a glass. I took a bite of my bacon, and then spoke again. "Where is your brother?"
She rolled her eyes.
"Talking to Mads," she said. I must have made a face, because she followed with, "She's his best frien
d from home. I guess she and her boyfriend had a fight or something, so naturally she called Colin." She smirked. "I'm not really her biggest fan."
I sat forward, intrigued. Here I was, not really searching for any information, but finally getting some about Colin's life back home.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Colin liked Madilyn for a long time," Suzy said. "In their freshman year, they finally started going out. Maybe two weeks into the relationship, he catches Mads cheating on him with some tool on the basketball team. They broke up and stayed friends after that, but he was really torn up about it." She studied my expression. "I'm surprised he took to you so quickly. Colin Westwick is notorious for pushing girls away, and he brought you in our house and let you stay the night. He hasn't had a single girlfriend since Mads."
I felt my heart clench at Susanna's story. I couldn't imagine someone hurting Colin like that. I had only known him for a little while, but I got the feeling that he had a kind spirit. I couldn't imagine hurting someone the way Madilyn hurt him.
"That's messed up," I said. "How long did it take them to become friends again after that?"
Suze laughed.
"Not too long," she said. "It's not like they were in love or anything."
I took a bite of my waffle and looked up when Colin walked in. His eyes were bright, his hair perfectly disheveled from sleeping, his smile careless and free.
"Hey, you're up!" he said, grinning.
I nodded, gesturing for him to sit next to me. He did so, resting his hand on my knee. It was a simple gesture, but something about it had an air of intimacy.
Susanna eyed us, her lips curling into a knowing smile. I wondered what was going through her head.
"So, Suze, are you going to Valley-PHASS as well?" I asked.
She shook her head.
"No, I go to Valley Private," she said. "I want to go into Nursing, so Mama said it'd be better for me to attend VP. Daddy drops me off on his way to work, and Colin drives. It's kind of easier on everyone if we don't go to the same school." She kicked her brother under the table. "Mr. Good-At-Everything here hates when I outshine him. He kind of pouts."
"I do not pout!" Colin exclaimed, turning bright red.
I laughed, nudging him softly as he buried his face in his hands.
It had been a long time since I'd had breakfast table banter with my siblings. Since Emerson was born, Nikkolas spent most of his time with her and her mother, Sarah Clay. Even after they broke up and he got a new girlfriend, he still spent at least three days a week at the Clay household and brought his daughter home every other weekend. Nathan hadn't lived with us in 7 years, and he hadn't visited in months. Naomi and I got along great and hardly ever teased each other; I'd almost forgotten what it was like to have a meaningful conversation with someone besides my friends.
"Nickayla," Colin said, nudging me, "Do any of your siblings go to PHASS?"
I nodded.
"My sister Nomi and my twin brother, Nikkolas," I said.
Colin's eyes widened.
"You have a twin brother? That's pretty cool," he said. He eyed me suspiciously. "Nomi?"
I sighed, leaning forward onto my elbows.
"Around the time that Nikky and I were born, my parents wanted another kid immediately afterward," I said. "They had their two boys, and they wanted to try for another girl, and then stop having kids for a while. Well, they got lucky around our first birthday and my mom found out she was three months pregnant. Naomi was born a couple months before Nikkolas and my second birthday." I paused. "Naturally, Daddy brought us to the hospital, and introduced us to our baby sister, and he told us her name. I couldn't pronounce it, so I called her 'Nomi'. For the longest time, I thought that was actually her name. I guess it kind of stuck, because that's really all we call her now."
By the time I was finished talking, Colin was laughing so hard that he was red. I honestly didn't think the story was that funny.
"Am I missing something?" I asked.
He inhaled a huge breath of air, then looked up at me--it only lasted a moment before he started laughing again.
"At least you only missed one syllable on your sister's name," Suze said. "Colin called me 'Banana' until I was 7. It was horrible."
I burst into shrieks of laughter, my eyes welling up with tears. The feeling was strange, and unexpected. I glanced up at the clock hanging on the wall in the kitchen, realizing that it was about to be noon. I stood up abruptly, noticing the change in the ambiance of the room right away.
"I should get going," I said.
Colin's eyes widened, and I caught Susana staring intently between us, trying to catch a glimpse of something that I was sure wasn't there.
"So soon?" Colin asked.
"I need to fix things with my mom," I said, nodding at him
He nodded as he followed me to the living room.
"Nickayla," he said.
I turned to face him. He had a questioning expression on his face, and I regretted getting up immediately. I didn't want him to think that I was uncomfortable around him.
"Yeah?" I asked, playing nonchalance to the fullest.
He stood next to me, his arms crossed.
"I'm guessing Suze told you about Madilyn," Colin said. "Mads was my first and last girlfriend. I don't want you feeling sorry for me or anything--I haven't had a girlfriend since Mads because I haven't wanted one. I haven't found a girl who intrigues me."
I nodded.
I understood that better than anyone.
"No, I understand," I said. "I don't feel sorry for you. I just find myself hoping that you find the right girl, one who will never hurt you like that again."
Colin stared at me for a moment, and then he walked into the living room, over to the computer desk that sat in the corner, and grabbed a pen off of it. When he was back in my presence, he took my hand. He held it, palm up, and wrote his number on my hand.
"I guess we've both got things in our past we need to move on from," he said. "If you need anything, I want you to call me--no questions asked. I'll just listen, I'll talk to you, or I'll come over, whatever you need."
I nodded, wrapping my arms around him and hugging him tightly. Colin had helped me more in the past day than anyone had in the past six months. I was ecstatic to have met him.
"And if not," he said, grinning as we released each other, "I'll see you Monday."
"I'll see you Monday," I said, smiling as I walked out the door.
As I walked by myself to my car, I had to resist the urge to look back at him. One thing was for sure: I couldn't wait until Monday.
"You are so picky, Nomi," I said to my sister as we pilfered through the racks of Forever 21.
Her birthday was coming up, and she wanted something to wear to her Sweet 16.
We were like best friends.
"I am not picky," she said, "I'm just careful about the things that I wear." She pulled a dress off the racks and thrust it at me. "Try this on, Kales."
I held the dress out, examining its design before I walked into the dressing room. It was a knee length, navy blue dress with a sweetheart neckline and rouging along the bodice. It flared out at my waistline, and I knew immediately why Nomi picked it for me: it would accentuate the curves on my petite frame.
I stripped quickly and pulled the dress over my head, smiling in the mirror as I examined how much better it looked on than it did on the hanger. I turned back and forth, admiring my body from every angle that was possible.
"Nomi, this is awesome!" I said, opening the door to the dressing room.
I stopped short when I realized who was in front of me. Grey eyes, blonde hair, a killer smile that threatened to break the hearts of all who were exposed to it.
"Nic!" Henley York said, thrusting herself into my arms.
I would know her anywhere: Kyle's kid sister. I forced myself to return the hug even though I was uncomfortable.
I promised myself after Ben's party that I wouldn't let what happened wit
h Kyle affect the relationship that I had with his little sister, but it had proved to be much harder than I thought.
I pulled away, releasing her from the hug, and she smiled up at me as though she had just seen the goddess Aphrodite herself.
"It's been a long time!" Henley said, grinning at me and pulling out her cell phone. "Just wait until I tell Kyle that I ran into you."
I shook my head frantically, rushing to grab the phone out of her hand. She snatched it away quickly, holding it to her chest as though it were her baby.
I watched as my sister's eyes widened in shock. She had never seen me act so impulsively, especially around Henley. I smiled at her apologetically, then walked inside the dressing room again. I tugged the dress off, wanting to get out of it as soon as possible. Suddenly, I had the urge that I didn’t want to be there anymore. I just wanted to get out of there and away from Henley York as soon as possible.
I was trying to get out of the dress and back into my clothes so quickly that my hair was sticking to my forehead. I frantically tried to push my hair out of my face. I tugged my jeans back on, slipping into my gladiator sandals as I fumbled around for my shirt. My hair stuck to my lips due to my lip-gloss, and frustrated, I pulled it up into a bun.
I hung the dress back on its hanger, grabbing my purse and heading outside of the dressing room. I thrust the dress into Nomi's arms and gestured for her to walk away. I didn't want to have to explain any of it to my sister, especially when I was having a hard enough time dealing with someone else's sister.
"Go pay for this," I said, pulling out my debit card and handing it to Naomi.
I shooed her off, turning back to face Henley. Her eyes were squinted in a disapproving glare, and I had the sneaking suspicion that she was judging me.
"Listen, Henley, I have to go," I said. "But tell Kyle to give me a call."
Losing Me Page 3
