by Ava Miles
Now that he was single—something of which he still needed to remind himself—he still didn’t think it was smart to date anyone at the hospital. Not that he’d found anyone who tempted him. Sure, some of the female staff were funny and beautiful—or as beautiful as anyone could look in scrubs—but so far he hadn’t felt any attraction.
He changed out of his scrubs into tan shorts, a green T-shirt, and an old pair of Birkenstocks. As he walked out of the hospital into the warm afternoon sunshine, he took a moment to breathe in the air and scan the mountains still dotted with patches of snow at the peaks. Summer hadn’t completely melted away the cold vestiges of winter, but he understood that. Appreciated it. Time hadn’t fully eased the pain of Kim’s passing, and he expected it never would.
Some things weren’t meant to fade. Certainly not the love of a lifetime.
But he knew that was his excuse for not trying to “get out there.” He didn’t expect to find someone he loved or was as attracted to as Kim. But recently, he’d been feeling the internal pressure to try a little harder to move on, to engage with life. He’d been doing his best to ignore it, but today, he was about ready to blast those doors open to help Natalie, and in doing so, himself.
His regular babysitter had agreed to stay a little longer with Danny so he could talk to his sister. His Lexus SUV climbed the road to the foothills where she lived with a purr. When he knocked on her door, he rubbed his stomach, hoping to ease the unsettled feeling in his gut.
Her normal smile of greeting didn’t flash across her face when she opened the door. No, she had a guarded expression he understood all too well.
“I thought I’d give you a few days to settle,” he said, not beating around the bush as Touchdown launched himself at him with a volley of wild barks. “Will you take a drive with me?”
He leaned down to give the Beagle a rubdown, wondering again if he should get Danny a dog. He’d been begging for one since Matt had gotten Henry. Keeping up with his son was a full-time job already.
A frown crested across her mouth. “Are we talking about Blake?” She’d already changed out of her work clothes, into cutoff jeans and a white T-shirt, but she didn’t look relaxed. No, not one bit.
“Yeah. And Kim.”
Something flashed in her eyes. For a moment, he thought she’d refuse.
“Then I’ll take my car.”
Right. This way she could leave if she didn’t like what he had to say. But at least she was coming. She gave Touchdown a pat and closed the door on him. He barked for a moment, but he quieted down quickly. When she didn’t lock her house, he smiled. He’d stopped locking his doors too. Danny thought it was cool.
“I’ll follow you,” she said and headed to her car.
He’d chosen one of Kim’s favorite places in the area for good luck: Black Lake. It was easily accessible by car, so they wouldn’t have to hike a ways to it. Few people if any would be there since it wasn’t accessible by one of the main trails. Kim hadn’t been a hiker so much as a rabid picnicker. Sure, she’d hike, but she enjoyed being in nature too much to pass it all doing a power walk.
When they arrived at Black Lake, he took a waterproof blanket out of his rig and spread it out by the water’s edge.
“I haven’t been here in a while,” she murmured, kicking off her shoes and sitting on the blanket.
He carefully retrieved the letter from his pocket and sat down beside her. Handing it to her was tough, so tough the sudden pressure in his chest made him feel like he was about to explode. She eyed it with curiosity, but when she opened it, her whole face fell.
“I want you to read it,” he said in a hoarse voice and made himself lean back on his elbows in a pose of relaxation, something he definitely wasn’t feeling right now.
He closed his eyes and recited the words to himself. He’d read it so many times, he knew it by heart. Kim had asked him to open the letter on the first-year anniversary of her death, and it had broken him then. A year later, its effect hadn’t lessened.
Dear Andy,
I asked you to open this letter today because it’s now been a year since my death. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. After I learned I was sick, I would lie in our bed at night listening to you breathe and try and imagine how I would feel if you were the one who had cancer and died, leaving me alone with Danny. Even though imagining it created the most incredible agony inside me, the reality is probably much worse.
I knew it would hurt you too much if I tried to talk to you about finding someone else to love after losing me, so that’s why I wrote this letter. A part of you probably still feels bound by the vows we made even though I’m not there anymore. While you may not want to hear it, and honestly I don’t want to say it, I want you to find someone else to love.
You won’t rush. That much I know. Heck, you didn’t even rush when we first started dating and were so hot for each other. You always take your time. That’s why you were meant to be a doctor. With every relationship, it’s like you are always monitoring the vitals, the progress, looking for a change in the status.
I won’t tell you to choose a good mother for Danny because I know you will. I won’t even tell you to choose someone who makes you laugh because you’ll find the right person for you. And why do I believe that? Because I believe in angels, and when I get to heaven and it’s the right time, I’m going to ask God to let me come back and help you find the next woman of your heart.
I only ask that you let me.
This is hard to write, and I’m crying, partly because I know you’re probably crying as you read this. But you’ll know when you’re ready to start being open again, putting yourself out there. As someone who had the privilege of being loved by you, no one knows better how much love you have to give.
Give it, my love, when the time comes.
I’ll be there, rooting you on, wishing you every happiness always.
I love you,
Kim
When Natalie set the letter between them on the blanket, she turned her face away, but he saw her throat ripple as she stared up at the massive blue sky. She was fighting tears again. She always fought them, and today he didn’t make any comments about the effect it had on the physical body, about how good it was to sometimes let go and give in to grief. Instead, he gave them both a moment to settle and waited for her to break the ice.
“When you brought me out here…that’s not what I expected,” she told him, still not looking at him.
“I’ve never shared that letter with anyone,” he said, falling back onto the blanket and looking at the puffy clouds overhead.
Kim, if you can hear me, help me with Natalie right now. I need you.
The winds shifted the clouds, and he caught sight of a fleeting shape of an angel with wings before it disappeared. He was able to smile over the twinge in his heart. He didn’t care if he’d imagined it.
“When you left Blake, I was so mad at you,” he told her.
Now she gave him her complete attention, turning to stare at him with narrowed eyes. “What?”
“Until you told me about the whole baby thing, I thought, how in the world could you leave a man who loved you like that? How could you throw away all those years together after we’d all just learned how precious every moment is with the people we love? I was mad because you still had Blake, and I didn’t have Kim anymore.”
She drew her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them, staring straight ahead now.
“Before Kim died, she told me to watch out for you. It scared her to see the way you were locking everything up inside you. I wasn’t…in a much better place…and when you left Blake…well, I couldn’t focus on it. I believed he’d turned into some big douche bag after the story you told us. But that wasn’t true, was it?”
Her head fell forward. “No, it wasn’t. I’m a horrible liar, a terrible person. Are you happy now?”
Her hackles were spiking up more every minute, but instead of backing off, he scooted closer until t
heir shoulders touched. “Blake still loves you, and he’s worried about you. Can you really tell me, being completely honest now, that you don’t fully understand what it meant for him to retire from football?”
“Of course, I know! I saw his elation after every day of a good practice. Saw him do a victory lap around our living room after a win. Watched him shut down for a day after a horrible loss, barely speaking.”
He drew his knees up too. “You’re not over Kim. I might not be either, but at least I’ve grieved her.”
“Grieving her won’t bring her back. You have your way of handling things, and I have mine. I…it’s best not to dwell on the past.”
“Dad always used to say that,” he said, seeing her face flinch.
“Dammit, why is everyone comparing me to Dad all the sudden?” she spat out. “I’m nothing like him.”
He wondered who else had made that comment, but decided not to ask. It wouldn’t help.
“You know, when you met Blake, Kim told me he was the best match in the world for you. He was still tough, which you’d respect, but he also ran on emotion, which you needed to balance things out in your relationship. My suspicion is Blake is the only one who truly knows how to unlock all the grief you feel for Kim, so you pushed him away out of self-preservation.”
“Don’t,” she said softly. He could tell he was actually getting to her from the ragged sound of her voice.
“I showed you that letter from Kim because I’m willing to make you a deal. I’ll start being open to finding someone new if you give Blake another chance.”
“You’re joking.”
The crushing pressure was back in his chest, squeezing out all his breath. “No. I’m serious.”
Her shoulder nudged him sharply. “Did you and Blake make some sort of pact?”
“No,” he said immediately. “I only want to honor Kim. If she thought Blake was the best match for you, I’m going to do my part to help you reclaim that relationship. I didn’t…before. I was going through my own crap and trying to be both father and mother to Danny.”
His throat thickened. Most days, he didn’t think he was doing very well with the mother part. How could a man hope to assume that role too? But Danny seemed to be thriving, thank God, and he knew Kim was being their son’s angel in her own way.
He thanked God for that too.
“So, you think I should just up and take Blake back?” she said with steel in her voice.
Choosing his words carefully, he put his arm tentatively around her shoulder. “No, I think you need to give him a chance to remind you why you fell in love with him in the first place.”
“And talk about what happened,” she added, not leaning her head against his shoulder like she normally would.
“The talking part will happen, but first you need to let him back in. You said you’ve agreed to be friends again. God knows, he needs one after losing Adam and leaving football. Why not start there?”
“And you’ll go on a date if I do this?” she asked, and he could hear the challenge in her voice.
“I agree to be open to finding a woman I want to date. When I find her, I’ll ask her.” He knew he had to be clear about his intentions. Just going out with someone wasn’t what he wanted. Okay, he really didn’t want to find anyone, if he were being honest, but reading Kim’s letter again had helped confirm what he already knew somewhere inside. It was time to push his boundaries and try to be open to new experiences.
“Blake won’t be content to be only my friend,” she said. “He never was.”
“That part is up to you,” he told her, dropping his arm from her shoulder. “All we want is for you to be happy.”
“Then why won’t you guys leave me alone?”
“Because you’re not really happy. You’re letting life pass you by.”
“You’re not happy either.”
He felt the punch of that truth in his solar plexus. “True, but I’m happier than you.”
“You have Danny.”
Now he saw the whole baby drama with Blake in a new light. Perhaps there had been a seed of truth in it after all. “You think having Danny made Kim’s death hurt less for me?”
The quiet stole around them when she fell silent. He let it lengthen, unsure if she would answer him.
“I thought it might have helped,” she whispered. “At least you have a piece of her in him.”
He swiped at the tears in his eyes, thinking about how his heart stopped every time Danny smiled like his mother or made a gesture with his hands that reminded him of Kim. “We all have a piece of her in Danny, Nat.”
This time she remained silent, and he knew she wasn’t going to say anything else.
“Well, I should get back so I can give Danny a bath.” His watch told him it was nearing six-thirty. The babysitter would have fed him by now.
He rose and offered her a hand, which she took. He didn’t release it once they were both standing. “I love you, Nat.”
She bit her lip and pulled away. “I love you too. Just…please give me some space about this.”
She was already heading to her car as he folded up the blanket. “You’ve had too much space, Nat. Two whole years of it.”
Her response was to slam the car door. He took a moment to enjoy the quiet. Between the hospital and Danny, he didn’t have a lot of silence except in the darkness of the night. Silence during the day was spectacular, filled with the vibrant colors of blue, green, and brown. He didn’t feel as alone in this silence.
Keep helping her, Kim. We have a long way to go.
As he left, he patted the letter he’d tucked back into his pocket. Natalie wasn’t the only one feeling trepidation over the future. He’d never wanted to imagine a future without Kim, but it appeared he would have to start.
He always kept his promises, even when they broke his heart.
Chapter 10
When Natalie heard someone rapping their knuckles in a peppy tune on her back door, she knew it was Blake. She took a moment to compose herself.
She’d spent an hour rearranging the items in her kitchen pantry after her chat with Andy, but it hadn’t done much to shove Andy’s concerns to the back of her mind. In fact, she was having a tough time receding to the quiet, numb place she ran to whenever she became too frazzled, too charged with emotion.
The sweet dog was already at the door, barking with animation, pawing excitedly at the frame. Blake smiled at her when she opened the door. The alluring scent of truffle fries hit her nose, followed by the char of hamburger, and she looked down at the picnic basket he was carrying.
“Did you eat at Ajax earlier?” she asked.
“Without you?” He shook his head. “No, I haven’t been back there since we went together. But Aspen is only forty minutes away, so I thought I’d bring you something special as a way of saying thanks for agreeing to do the catering this weekend.”
He opened the picnic basket—she recognized it as the one she’d bought for them when they were dating. She tried not to think of how thoughtful it was that he’d brought one of her favorite possessions from their home. Inside lay her favorites: the tavern’s signature cheeseburger and truffle fries.
“The chef said you could broil the fries to make them crispy again,” he told her.
A flash of pain tore through her chest. “Thank you.”
He dug into the basket for a stainless steel frozen container—something else she’d bought for them—and thrust it out to her. “Open it.”
When she did, her knees went weak. “You brought me their salted caramel and banana milkshake?” Hadn’t she just eaten a few of her secret stash of caramels in the laundry room after coming home from Black Lake?
His smile was lop-sided. “It is your favorite. And I stopped at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and bought you an English toffee apple.”
Now she was deeply suspicious. “But you never approved of me eating that much sugar…” She bit off the words when we were together.
&nb
sp; He barked out a laugh. “I was full of myself. I just want you to be happy, and little makes you happier than food.”
Andy’s words came back to her like a wave, powerful and impossible to fight. Blake did want her to be happy. Maybe it was time to stop fighting that quite so hard. “Thank you,” she repeated, her throat clogged with emotion.
The smile turned into a besotted grin, the one she remembered from their courtship. He was embarrassed, but happy to have pleased her.
“And I brought Outlander on Blu-Ray. I was hoping we could have dinner and watch a few episodes together.” He bounced on the heels of his feet as he awaited her decision.
Outlander? Memories swirled around her like a powerful hurricane. She’d read the bestseller in high school and had immediately fallen for Jamie, the sexy, soulful Highlander hero…just like her mother, who’d passed the book along to her, and the rest of the global population who’d read it. The book was one she turned to whenever she needed a quick fix after a crappy day. She remembered the day Blake had finally asked her about it in bed.
She’d shared the whole story with him, and then, without intending to, she poured out her fantasies about Jamie. Always keen on pleasing her, Blake jumped out of bed to claim the red plaid throw she’d bought for the downstairs couch. When he returned, it was tied around his corded waist.
They weren’t the Fraser colors, but it didn’t matter. And she didn’t even laugh when Blake uttered the worst Scottish accent imaginable. Later her laughter died completely when he kissed his way down her body and made love to her with the kind of intensity she’d always imagined between Jamie and Claire.
Jerking herself out of her reverie took effort. Her heart was drumming in her chest now, and there was a pool of lust in her belly. Blake’s gaze was hot, and she knew he was remembering it too.
“I’m only suggesting we watch the show, Nat,” he said quietly, but his body language told her a different story.
No, he wanted her to remember. His nostrils were slightly flared, and the pulse in his neck was beating strong. Despite working for Mac Maven, she wasn’t a gambling woman, but if she took the picnic basket away from his waist, she was sure she’d see evidence of his arousal.
