He squeezed her hand. “I know that, believe it or not. Yes, if you read a newspaper, you’ll have come across their names. Julius and his brother Augustus. Julius had more to take out on the world. Augustus escaped in classical study and fled abroad, but he can be as flamboyant when the mood takes him.” He paused, glanced at the books spread out on the table then he looked back at her. Completely grave now. “In society we have a reputation for recklessness. Daring and nerve, they say, though people call it other things too. I only take chances when I think the rewards will be worth it. I don’t take chances with other people’s fortunes, with their futures. Do you understand me?”
“I’m beginning to.” Sense was returning. She cursed its necessity.
“Ten years ago Julius would have taken you without hesitation, if you’d been willing. I wouldn’t have done it then and I’m not about to do it now. That’s where Julius and I part company. You know why I won’t do it?”
She shook her head, and disappointment flooded every cell, every part of her. He wasn’t going to let her give herself to him.
“Because I like you. And because if we wait, we’ll discover if we’re meant to be, or not. This could be the beginning of a friendship and we could ruin it by plunging into lust. Or it could be something else. Or we might never meet again after this house party.” His smile tensed. “Dammit, don’t look at me like that.”
When he tugged on her hand, she fell off balance and he hauled her into his lap. He threaded his hand into her hair, under the knot she wore during the daytime, dislodging the pins. Strands tumbled down her back, tickling her neck. She met his mouth, open and as ravenous as before.
He moaned, the sound vibrating against her lips, enhancing their closeness, echoing hers to him.
More, she wanted more. She curved her arm around his neck, holding him close, cursing her inexperience that she didn’t know the wiles that would keep him close.
After one deep kiss, he pulled away and stood, only holding her waist until she was steady on her feet. “I find you completely irresistible, which is why I have to resist you.” He drew away, leaving her cold and bereft. “I’ll quit this house soon. I’ve confronted Miss Stobart, told her I have no intention of connecting myself to her. It was uncomfortable, but I needed to do it. Now I must go and tarnish my reputation even further.”
She blinked. “What do you mean?”
“Julius has written to me. He’s done his best to face down the scandal I left in London but Miss Stobart has friends and rumors are spreading, especially since we’re at the same house party.” His lips quirked in a sardonic smile. “I stayed because of you, but you know that, don’t you, Connie?” The smile disappeared. “He suggests I go back to town and flirt with everyone. Flirt to the edge of danger. I can do it without becoming attached and it’s the best way to get the whole affair with La Stobart condemned. Once town witnesses the mood I’m in, its interest will disappear in a welter of different women and they’ll consider her one in a long line. I’ll make sure to keep to the ones who know how to play the game. So I’m off to do my duty.” He got to his feet, gently put her aside and strode to the other side of the table. “Connie, I told you this because I didn’t want to lose your good opinion. Know that I do this for a purpose, not because I wish it. Will you write to me?”
Her wayward spirits soared at the affirmation of his regard for her. “I think not.” Otherwise, her heart might ache too much. A clean break would be harder at first but better later on. She could get on with her life with no residue, nothing to give her a constant reminder of what she could have had. A man who wanted her for herself, not for the land she could bring or the children she could give him. “I’m embarking on my second marriage. This one is practical.”
“And your first one was not?” He was too perceptive, this man, reading between the lines to her true meaning.
Yes, she had loved John once. She met his direct gaze. “Not entirely. But it didn’t work out the way I thought it would, so this time I’m going into the union with practical considerations uppermost. I’ve lived in a small community and I know that kind of existence will not suit me for the rest of my life. Marriage to Jasper will enrich my experience.”
He listened to her, really listened, his gaze intent. He gave a short nod. “You’re right. It will. He’s a man about town, or he fancies himself as such. And London life will suit you. You’re not made for the provinces.”
She thought of her perfectly comfortable life in the north and her utter, utter boredom there. Maybe this interlude was an illusion but she wanted to remember it, put a frame around it and revisit it when she felt better, stronger.
He walked to the door. “I will never forget you. If you ever need a friend, write to me. I will come. Be assured of that. Have a good life, Constance Rattigan. You deserve it. Never expect anything but the best and it will come to you.”
She very much doubted that.
She didn’t watch him leave. Her eyes were clouded with tears, but she forced them down, swallowed and lifted her chin, as she’d always done, facing the world head-on. She would allow herself the indulgence of tears later, if she needed them. Then put the experience behind her, wrap it in gossamer as a precious memory, and let it go.
Jasper arrived the day after Alex’s departure.
Chapter 4
The contract now bore Connie’s signature.
“And here,” said Brigham, her godfather’s man of business.
She signed. And again. Then it was done.
Jasper bent his head and followed suit. Then the two witnesses, Brigham’s assistant and Downholland’s land steward. Their task concluded, the witnesses bowed and left the room.
She would marry Jasper Dankworth. Her life and position settled, just as she’d wanted it. But that was BA. Before Alex.
She should be happy but she could think of nothing but the man who had streaked through her life, not the man standing before her now.
Jasper took her hand and smiled, seemingly delighted. She should be thrilled to marry such a promising prospect.
“You could wed before you leave this house,” Lord Downholland said with a genial smile. “Extend your visit and we can arrange a license for you.” Her godfather, a constant presence in her life, removed his gold-rimmed spectacles and set them on his broad, oak desk, scarred with centuries of use, but the one piece of furniture he refused to relinquish to his wife’s passion for refurbishing the house.
Jasper’s expression dimmed at his lordship’s proposal, his brilliant blue eyes clouding over. “I’m sorry but I have to leave for London tomorrow. I have a business matter that won’t wait.” He turned to his lordship. “I could return but I have another idea. Why don’t you come to London too and we may marry there?”
Lord Downholland heaved a hefty sigh. “I hoped to have this matter settled quickly.” His brow furrowing, then he smiled. “But if you need the time, yes, I believe that would do admirably. If Connie comes to our London house, she could spend a week or two with us first. She can see the town and meet our friends.”
Who wouldn’t be excited at the thought of spending time in London? Even if the man she’d said goodbye to had left the house headed in that direction? But in town there were mantua-makers, toymakers, theatres and balls. That would prove enough stimulation to prevent her dreaming of something she could not have. Or someone doing something. With her.
She gave her godfather a brilliant smile. “I would enjoy that very much.”
Lord Downholland rubbed his hands together. “That is settled, then. We shall visit London in a few weeks, after the assizes.” Her godfather was a local magistrate and had ambitions to become the Lord Lieutenant of the county in time, so he couldn’t excuse himself from that duty.
Her life was about to change. “I should like to go home for a short time. I’ve wound up most of my affairs but one or two matters are still outstanding.”
She needed to bolt home, like a rabbit returning to its burrow. To sle
ep in her bed on her own, make her own decisions for herself.
Alex had gone and it was as if he’d never been there, except that people still talked about him. It was as if a comet had shot through the house and then disappeared without a trace, just the memory of its brilliance. But she wanted that week or two to work him out of her system, dream about him and then determinedly forget him. After that, she’d get on with her life and not look back. Truly, she would.
Jasper bowed, his smoothly handsome face revealing nothing beyond an appropriate smile. Tall, beautifully attired in crimson broadcloth, his lean frame fluid in its movements, he was the kind of man most women would die for. Not her. She preferred someone more powerful, darker—someone she must forget.
“Would you come for a walk in the garden with me, my dear? It’s a bright day and we’ve been cooped up here for so long that I for one would appreciate some fresh air.”
She gave him a smile similar in nature to his own. “Thank you. That would be most agreeable.” Like strangers at a dinner party discussing a promenade. Not future life partners.
Lord Downholland resumed his seat behind the huge desk and donned a pair of wire-framed spectacles. “If you wouldn’t mind giving me a few minutes more, Connie, I would appreciate it.”
“Of course, sir.” She bade her betrothed farewell, waited until he’d bowed again and left the room, and retook her seat. She folded her hands in her lap.
“I’m delighted you accepted this offer.” Lord Downholland spoke as if he was addressing a public meeting.
Connie had accustomed herself to that. Uncharacteristic irritation almost drove her to tell him to get on with it.
Lord Downholland continued to speak in measured tones. “I have asked you to remain behind, because I wish to make a few matters clear.”
Connie couldn’t imagine what he meant. “Is it the morality clause? It is of no matter.” The caveat that if she were proven to be of dubious moral character, the contract was in default and Jasper could claim her estate in lieu of damages in an expensive breach of promise case.
Her godfather retained his avuncular smile. “No, it’s not that. We have no reason to concern ourselves with your excellent character. Jasper wished for it, and you didn’t object, that is all.” He paused, and lost the smile completely. “Connie, we are aware that you are no youngster but you are still capable of bearing heirs.”
Shock ripped through her, nearly sending her to the floor. So cruel, to mention this. But so necessary. Her throat went dry and tight. “Children? Sir, you know I haven’t had the best of fortune—”
“We understand that. But you have given birth. Many women lose babies but you came through the ordeal and you are as healthy as ever.”
Every day she thought about her baby, the tiny scrap who hadn’t given even one cry. These days the grief had stilled to a dull ache. It was how people told her it should be, but she couldn’t help but feel a pang, an echo of the awful pain she felt after her only baby died. Her own personal sorrow, not one she wished to burden others with.
Her godfather nodded and awkwardly patted her shoulder. “You are to feel under no compulsion or regret. We proposed this marriage in full knowledge of your history. This house and estate does not depend on direct heirs. There is no entail. That is how I could choose to leave this estate to my sister’s son, in default of a direct heir. If you do not produce an heir, you may take the next in line into the house and train him in preparation for his new role.” His kindly face, creased with concern, revealed his understanding of her concerns. “No, that is not why we chose you, dear Connie. You are a sensible woman and Jasper needs a guiding hand. A young woman wouldn’t have suited him, or coped with his moods. He needs a steadying influence. You have guided a wayward husband before. That is the reason, dear Connie.”
“John wasn’t completely faithful.” It choked her to say it. So many mistakes that she’d sworn never to let love into her life again.
Lord Downholland smiled. “We know, my dear. You quelled any possible scandal and handled the affair most carefully. Connie, Lady Downholland and I are proud of what you made of your inheritance and we have hopes that you and Jasper will together do even more to improve this one. Jasper is merely skittish, that’s all. His relatives on his father’s side are powerful, but untrustworthy, and we wish to give him a better chance in life. There is goodness in him, I’m sure of it.” His ruddy country features were as dear to her as her father’s. As was the inevitable egg stain on his waistcoat. He’d never quite managed the skill of breaking open a boiled egg without spilling the contents and he loved them. His valet must despair.
That was the real reason they’d chosen her. Not because his lordship and her father had corresponded for most of their lives, not because Lady Downholland was her aunt as well as her godmother, not because she was intelligent or beautiful or they wanted to show her kindness. But because she was managing and they wanted her to “guide” Jasper.
Her godfather put the second page of her marriage settlement back on the desk. It lay slightly askew on the small pile.
Precisely as she felt, she realized with a sudden shock. This didn’t feel quite right any more. Ever since her encounter with Alex.
Too late. She’d gone too far, signed the documents. She had to go through with this. It would enrich her life immeasurably in all but one area. “Thank you, sir. I am immeasurably blessed that you and Lady Downholland have chosen to treat me with such kindness.”
The other, unspoken, requirement would be that she did as the Downhollands bid her. Since they were in their mid-fifties and in robust health, she had no illusions of inheriting early but Jasper’s estate and her own would give them plenty to live on in comfort. “I will, with your permission, join my intended husband in the gardens.”
Revealing nothing, she got to her feet in a smooth motion. During John’s affair and after, she’d had plenty of practice hiding her real emotions and her skill came to her aid now. She smiled then curtseyed to her godfather before leaving the room.
Pausing only to find a straw hat, a shawl and a pair of gloves, Connie headed outside. It was a bright day, although the chill of early spring still permeated the atmosphere. A light shower had sprinkled the leaves and buds with sprays of water, splitting the light into shards of brilliance.
Too early for most flowers, although a few snowdrops were nestled by the side of a box hedge. She bent and touched them.
The velvet petals caressed her fingers when she touched them, their creamy white reflecting on her skin. She stood and walked through the rose garden, the paths presenting a pleasant walk for anyone, although the roses were only in tight bud as yet, none of their color showing.
It would be a good year for the rose bushes. How was her garden faring in this season of growth and new life? In a few days, she would find out.
Alex had been wiser than she’d thought. If he’d shown her any more passion, what she’d wanted from him so badly, she’d never have returned to this path, never looked at her future husband without remembering another man. She sent Alex silent thanks and set her mind to her future husband. Young, handsome, fond of her and possessed of a good fortune. Not many women were so lucky.
Jasper stood at the edge of the garden, waiting for her, his red coat a startling contrast to the greenery. His mouth was barely curved in the slightly supercilious smile he habitually wore. She couldn’t blame him for that expression. Few people studied their own expressions in the mirror and he was probably unaware of it.
She walked toward him and tried to concentrate on his fine figure and fashionable air. Any woman would be glad to be seen with him.
She smiled back. “So you’re leaving me?”
“Yes, I am. I’m so sorry. It’s a small matter but I do want to conclude it. I want our union perhaps more than you do.” His lips skimmed her cheek then he murmured, “Have I ever told you of the other advantages of marriage?”
“I’ve been married before.” She repressed a shu
dder at the thought of sharing a bed with Jasper. For no reason other than that she had experienced the caresses of someone she wanted more than anyone else. She could do this, and she would. The breeze caught at the brim of her wide hat and she put a hand up to straighten it.
“Ah, yes but I heard John Rattigan was a brute of a man. A woman like you needs gentle handling, careful loving.” His smile turned warmer. “Am I right?”
Considerate of him. “I can’t imagine where you heard that. John was a big man but good to me, in his way.” She had brazened everyone down during her marriage. She wouldn’t change that now. Pride demanded she retain the secrets that were no one’s business but her own. Crossly, she untied and retied the bow on her hat, pretending it needed adjusting. “It’s true that my first marriage wasn’t everything I expected but we managed pretty well.”
“What was it, then?” He put his hands on her waist.
She allowed it, tried to relax into the embrace. They stood in the shelter of a high hedge, not in sight of the house. “We had a love match. Unfortunately, it turned out more infatuation than love but we came to an understanding. We managed.” The words came out by rote. She’d told herself so often she almost believed it.
“We’ll do more than manage,” he said. “I promise you that.”
When he pulled her closer, she didn’t resist. His arms about her didn’t feel right, although he held her close. Too close. His heat branded her stomach through the thin silk of her gown and she swallowed the urge to shove him away.
His mouth opened over hers in flagrant invitation and hers opened underneath. As she’d been taught and not by Alex. She could do this. She could.
Although Jasper was gentle with her, she didn’t enjoy his kiss. Too wet, too invasive, his tongue forging a path into her mouth. He took instead of persuading her to give.
When he cinched her closer, she pushed away with a small laugh, feigning embarrassment. “We can’t, Jasper. Not here.”
He didn’t let her go. “Where, then?” His eyes were still cold but his mouth slightly open.
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