by Beck, J. L.
Sebastian rolls his eyes. “No offense, Jules, because you’re beautiful no matter what, but you look like you went through a blender. There are bags under your eyes, and you just seem so heartbroken. Is Remington still messing with you?”
How did he know Remington was messing with me?
“He’s going to be so angry...angry that I showed up, angry that I’m ruining your dinner.” I break, letting a sliver of my fear and worry out.
“So this is about him?”
“What...no...it’s not. I mean kind of, but not really. He’s just...he’s Remington and we don’t exactly have a good history.”
Sebastian rolls his eyes. “Your history is fine. Rem is just an idiot who is too dumb to admit what he wants. He’s hurt and like a typical male, the first thing he does is run, and ask questions later.”
“He literally hates me, Seb.”
“No, he doesn't. He wants you to think he hates you. There is a difference, sis.” It’s my turn to roll my eyes, and I do, because as much as I love Sebastian, he has no idea the shit storm I have had to endure when it comes to his brother. Sebastian has loved only one girl in his life, and she’s dead now, so his advice, though sweet isn’t helpful.
If Remington ever loved me, even a little bit, I wouldn’t ever be able to tell, at least not since last night. Everything he does is to hurt me, in one way or another.
“What do you know about relationships? I haven’t seen you date a woman since—” My words cut off. His hands tighten on the steering wheel and for a moment, I think Sebastian might be angry. It’s very rare that you see him mad, mad enough to snap.
“You’re right. Dating isn’t really my thing, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know what I’m talking about. I know my brother. I know you. I know that you both are still very much in love with each other. He just needs to let go of the past, let go of what you did to him.”
My head snaps to the side. “What I did?” I’m kind of angry now. “I didn’t do anything. My parents forced me to move. I wanted to try and make things work...as friends. I didn’t know he wanted to be together like that, we hadn’t talked about it yet.”
But we often acted as a couple, at least now that I think back on it. There were many times when I thought we would be more, but we never actually went further than some innocent kisses and I know that was all mostly my own doing.
I was afraid…of love, of falling for my best friend.
“He wanted you, even then, hell even now. It was always you, Jules, and it will forever be you. The heart wants what the heart wants, and Remmy wants you.”
“He couldn’t have fooled me with the way he’s been acting.”
I know Sebastian isn’t lying. It was very clear to me that Remington wanted something more, but I was always so afraid of losing him as a friend that I tried to ignore it. He never went on dates, or even out with his guy friends and when he did, he always brought me with. Up until the day I left, we were best friends, and deep down, I knew we were in love. But I still didn’t understand how in his eyes this ended up being all my fault.
As soon as we pull into the subdivision, everything inside me starts to twist. My heart hurts, my lungs won't fill with air. I don’t know what the hell is happening, but I want it to stop. Sebastian’s face fills with concern as he looks between me and the road.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Jules?” I can’t answer him. I don’t know what to say. I’m okay, but am I really okay?
“I’m just nervous. I don’t want to make anyone mad or ruin your Sunday dinner. I know how important these things are to you guys.”
Sebastian gives me a knowing grin. “It’ll be fine. Dad is so excited to see you, I think he just about had a heart attack when I told him you were coming.”
I playfully punch him in the arm. “Don’t say that.”
“What? He did...I was actually worried, and then he started talking again and I knew he was fine.” We both laugh, and then the laughter ceases when we pull into the driveway.
Sebastian puts the SUV in park and kills the engine. I stare at the house. The large brick house looks the same as it did the day I left, the outside still the same natural stone, the door the same dark cream color. There’s even a weathered welcome sign stuck to the garage. The cracks in the driveway are still there, it's the same driveway I colored with chalk on so many years ago. The memories this place holds almost bring me to tears.
“Everything will be fine. It's just dinner.”
I know it's just dinner, but is it really? At the end of the day, this is Remington's family, not mine. The sound of a door opening catches my attention and I realize Sebastian is already getting out of the car.
Shit. This is it. The moment where I put a target on my back again. I climb out of the car. My legs are shaky, the nervous knot inside my belly unraveling, leaving a trail of fear behind. I walk around the car where Sebastian is waiting for me.
“I'm nervous,” I blurt out right as his hand grabs onto mine.
“Don't be. I'll kick his ass if he says anything.” I give him a weak smile, and together we walk up the driveway and to the front door. Sebastian doesn’t knock, he twists the knob and opens the door. As soon as the door opens, I’m pulled back in time to one of the many memories I shared with Remington in this house.
Opening the sliding glass door, I tiptoe into the house. Remington. That’s who I need right now. I know Papa Miller isn’t home, he’s on a business trip which means Alexander would be watching over his brothers if he was even home. Remmy said that he went to a lot of parties.
“You’re a cheater, a fucking cheater…” Sebastian’s angry voice fills my ears, and I hurry to see what is going on. As soon as I enter the living room, I find Remmy grinning like a fool at his brother. They’re playing on the Xbox. As soon as Remmy notices me, he bounds from the couch and over to me.
“What’s wrong, Jules?” His eyes bleed into mine, and concern etches into his features. His hands reach for me, pulling me into his chest like he knows what I need, probably because he always knows what I need. Tears start to fall from my eyes without hesitation.
“I’m going to bed, Seb,” Remmy announces.
“Is she okay?” Sebastian's tone tells me he too is worried. It isn’t often I come over here crying or after ten pm.
“She will be,” Remmy answers, and picks me up like a small child, carrying me down the hall and into his bedroom. I feel so safe in his arms, not that I wasn’t safe at home, my parents never hurt me, but their fighting was constant, and it wracked every nerve ending in my body. As soon as we’re alone in his bedroom with the door closed, he places me on the bed. I can hear him rustling around, probably looking for PJs or something.
“What happened?” he asks a moment later.
I bite my bottom lip and wonder if I should really tell him. He’s my best friend, yes, but he’s always teasing me and making fun of me. He would probably just call me a baby, tell me to grow a thicker skin.
When I don’t answer him, he turns on the bedside lamp, a soft glow of light blankets us and my cheeks heat when I see that he’s taken off his shirt and slipped into a pair of flannel sleep pants. My eyes roam over his body, his muscles are toned, more definite. He’s changed so much over the last two years and I would be lying if I said I didn’t notice it.
There were many times I wanted his hands on me, in much different ways.
“Jules, what the hell happened?” he asks again, this time with more urgency.
“My parents. They’re fighting again. I can’t sleep, and I don’t want to be alone.” I feel the stupid tears stinging my eyes.
“Where’s Jackson?”
I shrug, “I don’t know. He doesn’t want to be home any more than I do. The only difference is he can drive, and I can’t.” My response must suffice enough because he doesn’t say anything else about it.
“Scoot over.” He nudges my PJ covered legs and I do as he says. My heart starts to beat out of my chest as he crawls in
to the bed and turns off the light.
When he reaches for me and pulls me into his side, a zing pulses through me. Why is this so different tonight? We’ve done this numerous times since we were small kids.
“You’ll never be alone, Jules. Never,” he whispers into my hair and I swear I feel his lips against my forehead. His skin is so warm, and I burrow into his side, wrapping an arm around his middle, relishing in the feeling of his bare warm skin against mine.
“Why’s that?” I whisper back, already knowing his answer.
“Because you’ll always have me,” he whispers.
“Jules? You okay?” Sebastian’s voice finds me through the foggy memory. I gulp, realizing we’re standing in the foyer.
“Jules? You seriously brought her here?” Remington's deep, very angry voice finds me next and when I lift my gaze from the floor, I see him, standing there, an angry Greek god, with piercing blue eyes and dark brown hair.
He hates me...he hates me because he loved me, and I left.
13
Remington
Of course they would fucking do this, Sebastian of all people. She always had him wrapped around her finger. Turning on my heels, I go straight to the fridge for a beer. It damn near killed me not to go to her Saturday. I texted Cally instead asking her if Jules was okay. She told me she was but that she had stayed in her room all day.
I wanted to go over and comfort her, but I didn’t have it in me. I couldn’t give into the reemerging feelings that were trying to take root inside my heart.
“Remington. You will keep your mouth shut, and behave like a gentleman, do you understand me?” My father’s deep voice vibrates through me, clearing the angry fog from my mind. My father was one person I respected, never fought with, and not just because he was my father. I watched him work tirelessly nearly all my life to give us a good upbringing, even when my mother was constantly drunk. He stepped up to be two parents when all he had to do was really be one, and I loved him more than I could ever put into words for that. But that didn’t mean I had to like what was happening here tonight.
They fooled me, convinced me to come to family dinner knowing damn well that Jules would be here. My jaw tightens, my teeth grinding together as I nod my head. Having her here brings back memories, memories I longed to forget a million times over.
While she moved on with her life somewhere new…I was forced to relive every fucking little moment, every kiss, whimper, every smile, and tear. I was forced to relive the pain of what she had done, every single day inside the walls of this house.
“Where is my girl?” My father shoves from the recliner and walks through the living room and to the foyer where she’s standing with Sebastian. As soon as she sees his towering frame, she’s running toward him, wrapping her arms around his middle. He picks her up and hugs her like he always did, her feet dangling off the floor.
“Papa!!” she calls out. “I can’t breathe.” A soft chuckle emits from my father’s throat and he places her back down on her feet. My father is built like a brick house, his frame looming over Jules’ much smaller one. I’m positive some days that’s the only thing we got from him - our statures and our determination to never give up.
“How’s my sweet girl doing? You’ve grown so much in three years!” Excitement riddles my father’s voice. “Let me look at you.” He releases her just so he can look at her face again. His features turn from elation to sadness in an instant.
I can see him reminiscing of how it used to be. He always loved Jules, she was the daughter he never had. He loved having her come over, that’s why he never said anything even though he knew she was sneaking in at night.
Most parents wouldn’t allow a boy and girl to sleep in the same room, or spend as much time together as Jules and I did, but my father knew I wouldn’t hurt her or take advantage of her. He knew that I was feeling deeper things for her. We never talked about girls, but that’s because there was nothing to talk about.
It was always Jules, always.
“I’m so sorry about what happened to Jackson and your father…so sorry Jules,” he tells her, his voice almost shaking with emotion. “If there is anything I can ever do for you…anything you ever need, I’m always here, okay?”
Jules nods, wrapping her slim arms around his middle again. Dread and guilt consume me in an instant. This is what normal people do. This is what she needed when her brother and father died, comfort, compassion, someone to care about her.
She tried to hug me the first day she saw me, and I pushed her away. I made her feel even worse, I kicked her when she was down, when she was grieving the loss of the two people she loved most.
“I’m holding up. Right now, it’s mainly learning to deal with them not being here anymore. Dad’s life insurance policy paid for the funerals and left me with enough money to finish college. He was so excited about me going to college, I knew I couldn’t just drop out.” She smiles, but it’s filled with sadness.
“Well, if you need anything else, you know where to go. Our door is always open for you. Always.” He presses a kiss to her forehead, and I squeeze the beer bottle in my hand.
I’m such a fucking asshole. I should just punch myself in the face for treating her the way I did.
“Thanks, Papa.” She releases him and takes a step back, swiping at her eyes.
Is she crying?
“Alright, it’s dinner time.” My father claps his hands together. Sebastian is already in the kitchen sampling the tacos I helped my father make.
Dad turns and walks toward the kitchen giving me a knowing look, one that all but says do something stupid and I’ll beat your ass all over this house. But what he doesn't know is there isn't any fight left in me, not when it comes to her. I won’t hurt her, not ever again.
Jules stands there for a long moment, and I can’t bring myself to look away from her. She’s still her and I’m still me, but we’re miles and miles apart from being the same people we used to be and the realization of that hurts, it hurts so fucking bad.
“Come on,” I urge her, taking a sip of my beer, before nodding toward the kitchen.
“I’m sorry…I wasn’t…” she starts, but I press a finger to my lips. She still hasn't moved, every fear and emotion she's feeling painted onto her features.
“Not tonight, Jules. Tonight we pretend we didn’t lose each other. That you didn’t break my heart into a million pieces, and that I didn’t hurt you back.”
She nods and I can see the tears glistening in her eyes. She’s hurting, falling apart and I can’t stop myself from walking over to her. I can’t stop myself from grabbing her hand, from holding it in mine.
My reaction to her has nothing to do with my father’s warning, and everything to do with the fact that I am truly weak for her. She is my drug, my kryptonite, she makes my blood sing and my heart beat. Her hand feels small in mine and I squeeze it giving her a knowing grin, one that used to make her smile.
“Let’s just eat, okay?”
“I don’t want you to be mad at me for coming here…”
I blink, realizing now why she’s so nervous looking, why she seems as if she might barf at any given second.
“We can’t do this right now, Jules, soon, but not right now. And I’m not mad at you for coming here. You were invited.” I’m not ready to hear her excuses, or how much she regrets telling me she loves me or misses me from the other night. I guess in my mind, I’m not ready to let her go, to let go of the pain. Her big blue eyes pierce through mine, making the air in my lungs still.
“We’ll talk later, okay?” I tell her and my statement causes her to perk up. She nods once more, her whole body relaxing, her jaw goes lax, and the scowl on her face dissolving. The thought of how scared she was just now, of how worried she was over my reaction of her being here is like a punch to the gut.
This house used to be her safe haven and today she was afraid to even come here, and all…because of me. I’m such a fucking asshole. I force myself to think about
something else, something like the fact that a truce seems to have taken place between us, at least for right now.
I’m still angry and upset, but the pain is so much more bearable with her by my side. Knowing we’re on the same page, even if it’s just for tonight, makes it easier for me to breathe again. She lets me guide her into the kitchen and as soon as I release her hand from my own, I feel lost.
My father eyes me closely as we enter the kitchen but as soon as he sees the small smile on Jules’ pink lips, his own face lights up. We each grab a couple different items and bring them to the table in the dining room.
“Dig in, guys,” my father announces, but Sebastian and I are already one step ahead of him. We have family dinners almost every Sunday, but I can’t remember the last time it felt like we’re an actual family.
“Anything new going on with my boys?” dad asks, dabbing at his mouth with a napkin.
“Nope,” Sebastian chimes first, before taking a drink of his soda. “Just pushing a bunch of papers around an office dealing with assholes every day.” He grins at me and I roll my eyes. It’s not like he has to deal with me every day. Just the ones that end in y.
“What about you, Rem? Anything new?”
I shake my head, shoving a chip into my mouth, chewing it and then answering him. “No. Same old, same old,” I lie, everything has changed since Jules came back into my life. It’s like she turned my entire world upside down…or maybe it's just been up upside down this whole time and her showing back up turned everything right side up?
“Well, Alexander called me the other day,” he says, directing his attention off of me and I almost sink into my seat.
“There is nothing new with him either, or at least nothing he can tell me about, I guess. He’s still somewhere in the desert, in Iraq and he still isn’t sure when he’ll be home next. He did tell me to tell you all he said hi, you too Jules.”
I glance over to the picture of my brother in his dress blues hanging on the wall. I haven't seen Lex in over a year. He was only supposed to be deployed for seven months, but the idiot extended his tour. Typical of him. He always did want to save the world.
