by Beck, J. L.
“That’s a great idea actually, I could go for a big greasy burger right about now,” I grin, my stomach feels a whole lot better now, but with that, hunger comes along.
She nods and starts putting her sneakers on when she turns to me again. “I’ll leave you alone for now, but I know you’re hiding something.” Guilt settles into my gut at her words. I try to hide it with a smile, but I’m sure she sees right through it. To my relief, she doesn’t say anything else though.
Not bothering to put makeup on, I pull my hair up in a messy ponytail, grab an old pair of jeans to throw on with a baggy sweatshirt and slip into some comfortable flats. The bookstore, as well as the diner, are in walking distance, so we head out on foot, right after I’m ready.
We pick the pile of books up on the way. D looked at me funny when she saw that all of them were new copies and none of them used, but luckily, she stuck to her word and left me alone about it… for now.
With my heavy backpack full of textbooks slung over my shoulder, we walk into the diner. It’s pretty crowded this time of the day, and I almost regret coming here. I don’t want to be around this many people right now. I’m about to suggest we just do carry out when a whiff of fries and burgers tickle my nostrils, and my stomach growls in response. Okay, I need food now.
The hostess grabs two menus, and I watch her ponytail bounce from left to right as we follow her through the packed restaurant. We sit down in a small booth, and she takes our drink order before leaving.
Her body moves out of my line of sight, and my eyes meet a pair of hazel ones across the diner. There are four tables between us, but I feel like he is right in my face. For a moment, there is no one else in the room, just him and me. I don’t hear or see anyone besides Sebastian across the diner. Our eyes stay locked for what seems like hours until he suddenly looks away and the spell is broken.
I blink, realizing how dry my eyes are. Did I blink at all the last minute? My eyes are still glued to Sebastian’s face as I watch his lips start to move. It takes me another moment to realize that he is talking to someone. I swing my gaze to the person sitting across the table from him.
Jealousy slices through me like a hot knife as I take in the beautiful woman who is with him. She is smiling at him, showing off her straight white teeth, and dimples in her cheeks. She’s only wearing light makeup, a casual dress, and high heels, but with her model-like beauty, she might as well have just stepped off the runway. Her long auburn curls fall down her back in smooth waves, and I’m reminded that I didn’t even comb my hair.
“Okay, Lily,” Delilah’s voice drags me back to our table. “I’m not stupid, you know?” She lowers her voice, her eyes darting around the room to make sure no one can accidentally overhear us. “Clearly you have a thing for the dean and judging by the jealousy dripping out of you right now, there must have been something between you two.”
Letting my shoulders sag, I slump down into my seat, feeling defeated. “It’s so complicated, D.”
So, fucking complicated.
73
Sebastian
It takes everything inside of me to look at Laura, who is sitting across the table from me. She’s rambling on about budget plans, and faculty resources like she always does when we meet to talk business, but it’s never annoyed me as much as it does right now. All I want to do is stuff a handful of that half-eaten salad into her mouth just so she will stop talking.
What makes the whole situation even worse is knowing that Lily is sitting ten feet away. What must she think, seeing me here with Laura? I want to storm over there and tell her that Laura and I are discussing school finances, and nothing more, but what’s the point? I don’t owe Lily an explanation. I’m not hers, and she is not mine. Even if this was a date, there would be nothing wrong with that. My head knows that, but my chest aches, and my stomach twists in guilt. I feel like I’m betraying her.
Laura excuses herself to go to the bathroom, and I use the alone time to glance over at Lily. She looks like she just rolled out of bed and stumbled over here, yet she manages to be the most beautiful woman in the room. She doesn’t need fancy clothing and a layer of makeup to look stunning.
She hasn’t looked back over here since she first got here. She is trying to ignore me, but I can see from across the room that I have an effect on her, just by being here, the same way she affects me. It’s always like that when we are close to each other. Our bodies are like two magnets, constantly being pulled toward each other. We might be able to look away, but we can’t ignore the gravitational pull.
A current ripples between us like an invisible live wire is hanging in the space separating us. The question is… how can I make it stop? How can I stop myself from needing the heat, the zing her touch brings? When she touches me, I feel alive, my heart beating for so much more than my own body’s functioning.
“You okay, Sebastian?” Laura asks, sliding back into the booth. I blink myself out of the trance Lily’s presence brings. “You seem distracted today.”
“I’m good, just busy with all the new responsibilities that came with the job.”
“I totally get it,” she nods while checking the time on her watch. “Ugh, I got to go. Hubs picked up the kids from daycare, but he can’t handle dinner and kids.” She rolls her eyes. “Men, just don’t know how to multitask.”
“It’s fine, thanks for meeting me after hours.” I asked her to come here because I figured being alone with her in the office would be weird, now I’m second-guessing my decision. Having Lily seeing me here with her might be worse.
“Any time, Seb. I’ll talk to you soon,” she says, getting up from her seat. I slide out as well, giving her a quick hug. I’ve known Laura and her husband for a long time, we’ve worked together for the past few years, and we’ve all become friends somewhere along the way.
Grabbing two twenty dollar bills out of my wallet, I place them on the table before heading for the door. I look up and catch Lily storming through the restaurant toward the bathroom. Before I can even think about the fact that I am in a public place, and people could very well see me, I follow her.
Luckily, the bathroom is all the way in the back, and there is a hallway leading to it, so by the time I’m in front of the women’s restroom door, no one in the diner can see me. I open the door and find Lily huddled over the sink, splashing water onto her face.
“What’s wrong with you?” I ask as if I have no idea what’s bothering her.
She turns off the water and straightens up. Pulling out two pieces of paper towel, she starts to dry off her face with her back turned to me. “Thanks for the books,” she murmurs, ignoring my question.
This is about the books? Yeah, I don’t believe that.
“Surely you aren’t acting like this because I sent you books?”
With her back still toward me, she dries her hands or at least pretends to. I wait another moment before I’ve had enough. The need to see her face overwhelms me. Closing the distance between us, I grab her upper arms, twisting her around, so she’s forced to look at me. Anger and defiance swirl in her icy orbs. She’s not just angry, she’s on the verge of exploding. Red hot jealousy is swirling just beneath the surface.
“Is she better than me because you can be seen with her in public? You wouldn’t have to hide her, or your feelings for her.” It feels like I’ve been slapped again. Her words sting, but more than that, I feel like an asshole seeing the hurt overtaking her beautiful features.
All I want to do is take her into my arms, and tell her she has nothing to worry about, that I don’t care about Laura. I want to tell her how much she means to me, and that I can’t stop thinking about her. But I can’t. I won’t. I might not want Laura, but I couldn’t be seen with Lily in public. If I were to ever have any kind of relationship with her, she could never be more than my dirty little secret, and she is worth so much more than that. I can’t do that to her. So, I do the only thing I can think of. I lie. It’ll be easier if she thinks I’m with Laura. I
t’ll be easier if I push her away.
“Yes, that’s exactly why I’m with her because I would never want to be seen anywhere with you. You’re a risk that I can’t and won’t take.” I’m lying through my teeth, but it’s this, or we keep dancing around each other. A never-ending merry-go-round of feelings we can never give in to. Her pretty blue eyes mist over before she wiggles out of my hold and pushes against my chest. Shoving me away with all her strength, she runs out of the bathroom, leaving nothing behind but her faint scent. I could’ve stopped her. I could’ve told her I didn’t mean anything that I just said. That I was lying, but what’s the point?
I can never have her… never and leading her on, making her believe otherwise, it’s not fair, it’s not fair at all, and I refuse to do that to her. To myself.
* * *
I don’t know why but after, the encounter with Lily in the diner the other day, I thought that I would feel better. I thought maybe if I pushed her away, crushed every chance of ever having her, I’d start to get over her.
Pfft. That would be the case if I lived in a perfect world. I was wrong. Things seem to have gotten worse instead of better. Before she was a hunger I could sedate with a look or even an indecent thought, but now there’s no calming the desire pulsing through me. I want her. It’s like the temptation of getting caught, of risking it all only heightens my need for her.
Every moment of my day is spent trying not to think about her. A tension headache has taken up residence in my skull and doesn’t have plans of leaving any time soon. Why the hell is this so hard? Doesn’t my body get that I can’t be with her? Is my brain the only rational part of me? Maybe sleeping with someone that isn’t a student is what I need to finally get over her. I’m probably just pent up with need since I haven’t had sex in like… way too long.
That’s all this is… an itch to scratch, I’ll feel better once I’ve screwed someone else… Idiot. I’m a damn idiot. Sleeping with someone else isn’t going to fix this. If anything, it’ll only complicate things. The mere thought of anyone but Lily beneath me makes me shudder.
Walking down the front steps of the admin building a soft feminine giggle filter’s into my ears. It’s almost nine at night, and it’s not all that surprising for students to be out walking around, not with the building so close to the dorm rooms. Naturally, I ignore it, keeping my eyes locked on the concrete.
I’ve nearly reached my Jeep when I hear “My roommate is gone, want to come up?” it’s not the words alone that cause me to look up with fire in my gaze, and anger coursing through my veins, but instead, the voice speaking those words.
It’s soft and warm, and it belongs to a woman that shouldn’t be inviting random guys to her dorm room. Squeezing my hand into a fist, I let the bite of the metal keys into my flesh calm me as I walk toward the scrawny guy who has his back to me, and Lily who has yet to notice me.
As soon as my eyes clash with Lily’s, she smiles, her willowy frame swaying gently like a leaf caught in the breeze.
She’s wearing a miniskirt that does little to cover her ass and a shirt that’s showing off her entire midsection, and as I get closer, I see her eyes are glassy, pupils dilated.
“You want to fuck?” The guy slurs, leaning into her, a husky laugh piercing the air. “Because I’ll fuck you… all over the dorm.”
Like fucking hell, you will.
I know I have no right to be angry. That this is normal college behavior, but Lily isn’t a regular college student. She might not be mine, but this type of shit isn’t going to fly with me. I’ve barely got a leash on my rage when I reach the guy, placing a hand on his shoulder, I pull him backward none too gently. Air fills my lungs once there is an adequate amount of space between them.
Lily looks up at me, a pout on her glossy pink lips.
All I can think is. I’ll deal with you next.
“What the—” The guy starts as he spins around, fists clenched, and ready for a fight, but he stops himself mid-sentence when he sees who I am.
“Go back to your own dorm. There will be none of that tonight. If I catch you around here again trying to get into the female dorms, especially drunk, there will be problems.” I’m barely containing my anger now, the need to slug this fucker in the face, and tell him to never put his hands on Lily again is astounding.
I’ve never been this territorial, this jealous over someone. I pride myself on being a good guy, a gentleman, but none of the thoughts running through my head right now are very gentleman-like or good.
“Seriously?” Lily pouts, crossing her arms over her chest, pressing her tits together, and drawing my attention to them.
“Uh, yeah…” The guy takes a step back, and then another as he glances between us. “Sorry, Dean Miller. I’ll, ummm, see you later, Lily.” He calls before turning and running in the direction of the male dorms.
Over my dead body will you see her again. Watching as he runs like his life depends on it, makes me smile.
“You don’t own me, Mr. Miller.” Lily shoves a finger into my chest. Being as short as she is, I have to look down at her, which, of course, gives me the perfect view down her shirt. Fuck, she’s gorgeous, even in the obliterated state she’s in. My cock hardens instantly, as if he has eyes of his own, and can see her.
“I’m an adult and can make my own choices when it comes to who I sleep with.” She scolds, her eyebrows puckering together, anger or some form of it washing over her face.
“You are more than welcome to make adult choices when you’re sober, but right now, you look to be three sheets to the wind, so all you’ll be doing now is going to your room to sleep. Screw whoever you want, when you’re sober.” I damn near bite my own tongue off speaking.
“You’re not the boss of me,” she slurs and takes a step back. Twisting around to turn away from me, she almost trips over her own feet. Thankfully, I’m there and grab her by the arm to steady her at the last minute.
“You can’t even walk without stumbling over your own feet, so it’s very doubtful that I’ll be letting you make adult choices,” I growl, my tone almost animalistic. Why does she keep doing this? Looping an arm around her waist, I pull her small body into my side and make her walk next to me. “I’m taking you to your room where you will stay until you’ve sobered up, and that’s the end of discussion.”
Lily huffs defiantly next to me but doesn’t say anything. I know I’m taking a huge risk walking her into the dorm, but what other choice do I have? Hopefully, no one will see us. It’s late, and it’s a school night so there shouldn’t be a lot of people out and about.
“Don’t you have classes in the morning?” I ask as we walk inside the dorm building and up the stairs.
“Yeah, so what?” she snaps.
“So what? You’re kidding, right? When you’re on a scholarship, grades shouldn’t be a back-burner subject.”
“Stop acting like you care,” she growls, and struggles to break free of my hold, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting her go, not until she’s tucked safely in her bed.
I try not to let what she’s said bother me, but all I can think about is what if something had happened to her. If she had gotten hurt thinking I really didn’t care. It’s an irrational thought, insane even, but I’m already bat shit crazy because of her.
Leaning into her, I inhale her sweet coconut scent letting it filter into my nose before saying, “If I didn’t care about you then why am I risking my ass right now to get you into your dorm?” Lily stops dead in her tracks. We’re almost to her room, but apparently, she doesn’t care.
Looking up at me, she grabs a fist full of my shirt and pulls me down into her face. If we were caught like this, it would cost me everything, and yet, I can’t seem to care right in that moment. My pulse thrums in my ears, and my eyes move over the bow of her kissable lips. Damn, do I want to devour those lips of hers.
Fuck me, I am so screwed.
“Because, you, Sebastian Miller, are stupid.” She releases me with a sho
ve, and just like that, the bubble surrounding us pops.
“If you’re trying to insult me, it’s not working. Now give me your keys,” I order as we get closer to her door.
“Blah, blah, blah.” She mocks but does pull her keys out. They slip through her fingers, and drop to the floor at her feet, landing with a loud clank. Fucking Christ. Reaching down, I grab them and walk the rest of the way to her dorm.
“I hate you. I hate you, but I want you too, and I don’t understand it,” Lily murmurs into my side, her hands clutching on to my arm. Voices fill the hallway followed by doors slamming down the hall. My heart sinks into my stomach, as my fingers shake while I try and get the key into the keyhole. This is it. Was it worth it? You risked it all for her.
Miss. Shit. Heavy footfalls pound against the carpeted floor. People are coming right toward us. Fuck, fuck, fuck. With sweaty hands, I’m certain we’re caught, but then the key slips into the hole, and with a twist, and a step forward, we’re in the room, the door slammed closed behind us. Air fills my lungs for the first time since I entered the building.
Beads of sweat slip down my forehead as I gently maneuver Lily to her bed.
“All I ever wanted was someone to care. Someone to help ease the pain in my chest. Being with you, near you, it makes it easier for me to cope. It makes the pain manageable.”
“Lily,” I sigh, settling down onto the edge of the bed. With both of us in here, it seems smaller. Her big blue eyes peer up at me, and without really thinking about it, I brush a few of the sticky blonde strands from her heart-shaped face.
“Sebastian,” she says my name just like I did hers. Like a promise whispered in the middle of the night between two star-crossed lovers.
“I need you to stop doing this shit. Stop putting yourself in danger. One of these times, I won’t be here to rescue you, and then what? What happens then?” I can’t even think about something happening to her. Some stupid douchebag putting his hands on her. Her passing out and getting raped, or worse. “Do you want to get hurt? Is that it?”
