by Beck, J. L.
“She gave you her virginity, and you said it was a mistake?” Jules asks with a wince.
I nod. Jesus, why does it sound so harsh with her saying it.
Jules frowns, “Did you tell her that you didn’t mean it?”
“Of course, but it was too late. She pretty much shut down and pushed me away. Physically and mentally.”
The truth is, things are complicated between Lily and me. We both want each other but are fighting the current that’s bringing us together. I wasn’t lying when I told her what happened was inevitable. We were going to collide, and we had, and it was amazing, but the aftermath of it all was catastrophic. I don’t want to hurt Lily. I don’t know what to do.
There is no undo button, there is no way I can forget about what we’ve done. And I definitely don’t want to either. Lily is unforgettable.
“What are you going to do?” Rem asks, breaking the silence.
“I don’t know. I’m going to try and go back to the house in a little bit and see what happens. Hopefully giving her the night to herself and time to cool off will encourage her to listen to my apology.”
“Well, good luck with that,” Rem tells me, earning himself a jab in the ribs by Jules.
“It will be fine, Seb,” Jules tries to calm me down. “Just go talk to her. Explain it like you explained it to us. She’ll understand.”
God, I hope so. I really fucking hope so.
* * *
I turn the lock hesitantly, and push open my front door slowly, not because I am scared to see Lily, but because I’m scared she won’t be here. She was so upset when I left last night, and the worst thing she could do to me right now is just leave.
I want to talk to her, I want to make this right, and if she left, ending things the way we did, I would be devastated.
Holding my breath, I walk into the living room. Only when I see her sitting on the couch, her legs drawn up to her chest, do I fill my lungs with air. She is still here.
“Hey,” I greet her, throwing my keys and phone on the side table.
“Hey,” she answers, her voice quiet and timid, unlike her normal self.
“I’m glad you’re still here. I was worried you would leave or something,” I admit.
“Where else would I go?” Her question stings. Is she only here because she doesn’t have a choice? Does she feel like she is stuck here with me? Shoving those questions to the back of my mind, I take a deep breath and start talking.
“Listen, Lily, I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to say that it was a mistake…”
“Can we please just forget about it?” She interrupts me.
“Forget about it?” Is she serious? I can’t just forget one of the best nights of my life. “I don’t want to forget about it.”
“Well, I do, and I think you should too,” her voice is stern, or at least she tries to keep it that way, but I know Lily too well. I notice the slight tremble in her voice and the way she nervously plays with the hem of her shirt. She is lying.
“Lily—” I start but she cuts me off once again.
“Please, let’s just forget last night happen and go back to how we were before.”
I take a moment to weigh my options, and I come to the conclusion that if this is what I have to do to keep her here, then I’ll do it.
“Okay, fine… we’ll forget last night happened,” I say, the words leaving a sour taste on my tongue.
“Thank you,” Lily mumbles.
I give her a small nod and turn around, heading for the shower, when the doorbell rings. Who the hell is that?
“Are you expecting someone?” I ask Lily.
When she tells me no, I spin around. A little annoyed by the unannounced visitor, I walk back to the front door and open it.
“Hey, bro,” Lex greets me, brushing past me and into my house before I can invite him in or even say hello.
“Ever heard of a phone?” I basically growl at him. “You know, to call and tell people that you are coming by their house?”
“Jesus, what’s with you? We’re family, we come by whenever, no formal announcement necessary.” He walks through the house and into the living room with me right behind him. When he gets there and sees Lily sitting on the couch, he stops. “Oh… I get it now.”
“Hey, Lex,” Lily greets my brother, ignoring his remark.
She gets up to give him a quick hug before they both take a seat on the couch.
“I didn’t know you were here.” Lex’s gaze swings between us. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything?”
“I’ve actually been staying here, because… well… I kind of got kicked out of the dorms for drinking,” Lily explains, and Lex starts to bounce with laughter.
“No way? You got kicked out for drinking? I always thought drinking was part of the lesson plan in college.”
Lily smiles, “Not quite. Also, they gave me a warning, and then I got caught the very next day.”
Lex laughs even harder at that. “I didn’t know you were that rebellious,” he quips, and there is something so playful almost flirty about his tone, it has my insides twisting with jealousy. If Lex wanted Lily, he could have her. That’s the fucked-up thing about our situation. Everything is stacked against us. There is a bright neon light blinking the word forbidden above us. It’d be so much easier for her and Lex.
“So, Lex, how come you dropped by?” I ask, trying to get his attention away from Lily.
“Just wanted to stop by and see you, I guess,” he shrugs, his playfulness gone in a flash. Looking at him, I can tell something is off. He’s haunted by nightmares, by the things that happened while he was overseas. He doesn’t want to talk about it, never has, but someday he will. He’ll have to, or it’ll eat him alive.
“If you want to spend some quality time together, I was just about to go to the gym. Want to come with? The gym on campus is pretty nice,” I offer.
“Yeah, let’s do it. I wouldn’t mind letting off some steam. Maybe even punching something…probably you,” he smirks.
“It’s settled. Let’s go see if the Marines made you tougher or if you still cry like a baby when I beat your ass.”
“You wish,” Lex snorts, and suddenly I’m actually glad he came over. Maybe this is exactly what I need, a little one on one time with my brother and a good workout to clear my head.
“You want to come?” Lex asks Lily who immediately shakes her head.
“No, no… I have some schoolwork to take care of, you guys go ahead.”
“Okay then, let’s head out. See ya, Lily,” Lex says and gets up. Brushing past me, he heads out the door not waiting for me.
“Bye, Lex,” Lily calls after him, smiling. Then her gaze swings to me, her smile fading quickly. “Bye,” she whispers.
“Bye. I’ll be back in a little bit,” I tell her. She nods slightly and forces her lips to curl up into a slight smile. So much for everything going back to normal.
When I walk out, Lex is already sitting in his car, waiting for me. As soon as I get in, he speeds off. We’re barely on the road when the questioning starts. “So, you and Lily, huh?” Those thick brows of his bounce up and down.
“It’s not like that…”
“Bullshit! You don’t have to tell me about your love life, or lack of one, for that matter, but don’t fucking lie to me,” Lex warns, and I’m surprised at how fast his mood has changed. Something is definitely going on.
“Fair enough…” I hold up my hands, telling him with my body language to calm down. “It’s complicated, and I’d rather not talk about it right now.”
Lex sucks in a deep breath, almost as if he is trying to calm himself down, and I’m not sure what to do or say. This isn’t Lex. It’s unlike him to be moody. I think on how to approach the subject, while we make a stop at Lex’s place so he can get changed.
When he gets back into the car, I ask, “So what’s going on with you?”
Lex shrugs, and for a moment, I think he isn’t going to open up to m
e, it wouldn’t surprise me, he’s always kept to himself, I’m about to push the issue when he opens his mouth to speak.
“I’m having a hard time adjusting to civilian life, I guess. I thought it would be different, easier, that’s all.” Lex’s admission shocks me, to say the least, but that’s not the feeling overwhelming me right now. That would be guilt. Guilt for not checking in on my brother more. How did I not know about this before?
“I’m sorry,” is all I can manage to say.
Lex shakes his head as he shifts to drive. “Don’t feel sorry for me.”
“I don’t. I mean, I’m sorry for being a self-absorbed asshole. I should have spent some more time with you. You’ve been home for a month, and we’ve barely hung out. That’s on me.”
“It’s okay, Seb, I know you’re busy with your new job. Seriously, don’t beat yourself up. This is not on you. It’s something I have to deal with myself. Plus, it’s not like I’ve been alone. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Dad and Rem.”
“So, what did you mean by ‘you thought it would be different’?”
“I guess, I just thought everything would go back to normal when I got back home. I thought I would go back to normal, but I feel… different.”
“Have you thought about talking to someone, like a therapist?”
“I don’t need a fucking shrink,” Lex says, his tone defensive.
“Okay, I get it. No shrink. At least come to me when you need to talk to someone.”
“What do you think this is, idiot?” Lex points between us, making me laugh this time. He shakes his head, just as we pull into the gym parking lot. “And you’re supposed to be the smart one out of us three.”
I’m not so sure about that anymore.
78
Lily
Taping my foot, I wait behind the admin building like I usually do. Seb is a few minutes late, but I’m not going to call or text him to see where he’s at. I don’t want to seem like the angry, pushy girlfriend who needs to know where he is every five minutes. I cringe at the thought… girlfriend. As if. That’ll never happen.
We’ve barely talked since that night. The past few days have been tense between us. My chest aches being close to him, my hands itching to reach out and trace his body. I’m pulled toward him, drawn to him in every way. When he enters a room, I can’t look away. I try to forget what happened between us, try to tell myself that it was just sex, but of course, that’s a lie. It was so much more than just sex. We both know that.
Five minutes turns into ten, then twenty, and I’m starting to get aggravated. Where the hell, is he, and why didn’t he tell me that he was going to be late?
When it’s thirty minutes after the time we normally meet, I’ve had enough. I don’t care if I seem like an angry girlfriend. I’m not going to wait around at his beck and call.
With my head held high, I waltz around the admin building and through the front door. Most of the offices are already empty, the lights turned off, with everyone gone. Everyone but Sebastian. Picking up speed, I keep walking to Seb’s office until I come to a sudden halt a few doors down from his.
“Oh, Sebastian,” a female voice fills the hallway. A voice that is definitely coming from his office. “You know I don’t mind a little overtime if it means helping you out.”
The door opens all the way, and a beautiful woman steps out.
It’s the same woman he was with at the diner. Red hot jealousy burns like a wildfire through every inch of my body.
“Still, thanks for doing this,” Sebastian says, walking out behind her. The next instant, he looks up, his eyes colliding with mine, all while I stand there like an idiot. Then he breaks eye contact and looks back at the other woman. “I’ll talk to you soon, Laura.”
“Sure thing, Seb,” she says and starts walking down the hall. She gives me the friendliest smile when she passes me, completely unaware of how uncomfortable I am. I wait until she has disappeared around the corner before I look back up at Seb.
“I’m sorry, I’m late. Honestly, I didn’t realize how late it was until a minute ago. I was about to call you.”
“You don’t owe me an explanation,” I force myself to say, even though it kills me to do so.
Seb gives me a disbelieving look. “Will you come in for a few minutes. I have another stack of papers to sign, and I don’t wanna make you wait in the hall.”
“Sure,” I say when really, I want to say no. The jealous rage festers just beneath the surface, like an evil little beast it sits on my shoulder whispering questions in my ear that I have no business asking.
Why was he meeting with that woman again? Who is she? Does she like him?
Following him into his office, I flop down on the couch, trying my very best not to remember the very indecent things that happened on here. When I was on my knees in front of Sebastian, with his cock in my mouth. Heat builds within my core at the memory and my pussy throbs remembering the feel of his smooth skin, the way he smelt, the way he looked, how bright his eyes were as he watched, trapping me in his gaze.
Shit, I’m not supposed to think about that, or any of this.
“Is everything okay, Lily?” Sebastian asks, and I swear it’s like he can read my mind. Like there is this imaginary string tethering us to each other. He knows me almost better than I know myself, and that’s terrifying.
“Yeah. It’s fine. I’m fine, I mean.” I correct myself, my voice cracking at the end. I don’t want to give away how jealous I am of him moving on, or the possibility of him moving on, but I can’t help the way I’m feeling. It’s like I know I can’t have him, but I don’t want anyone else to either.
“Are you sure? You seem a little… off.”
“I’m fine,” I snap, lying once again, and it’s even harder to say it this time because deep down inside I’m not fine. I’m falling for Sebastian Miller, falling helplessly for a man that I cannot have.
Sebastian’s gaze hardens as he places his pen down and shoves away from his desk. My eyes are glued to him as he walks across the room, closes the door, and clicks the lock into place.
“What are you doing?” I croak, my skin growing hotter. It feels like I have a damn fever, but I’m not sick. Unless you count being in love an illness.
He doesn’t say anything and instead walks toward me, his eyes never leaving mine. I feel like I need to stand up, so I get on my feet. He’s all man, and I can’t help but drink him in, admiring the way the suit he’s wearing hugs every inch of his toned body. I’ve been starving for him for days, for his touch, for his cock.
Stopping in front of me, he reaches out and gently pinches my chin between two fingers forcing me to look at him.
“To me, you are irreplaceable. What happened between us, it was meant to happen, and it will happen again, and again, because you, Lily, are a drug I can’t quit. That I don’t want to quit.”
Swallowing around the knot that’s formed in my throat, I try and gather the words I’ve been wanting to say.
My lips tremble, and I can feel my core pulse, the promise of pleasure flickers in his eyes.
I need him. I want him.
“I want you. I want you so much it hurts to be away from you, but…” I try and jerk out of his hold, but he squeezes, pinching harder.
“What… tell me, Lily. Tell me what you want?” Sebastian leans in, the words are nothing more than a breath against my lips, but the urgency behind them is clear. He’s so close now that if I moved just a smidge, we would be kissing.
“I want you, but I don’t…” His face falls, and I start to talk again, “I don’t want to be your dirty little secret. Something you’re forced to hide. I won’t be that girl, Sebastian.”
A smile curve’s his lips, and his eyes light up, “You aren’t a secret, Lily. You’re the sun, and the moon, you’re the goddamn stars in my galaxy. You’re happiness and sadness. You’re perfection and chaos. You’re mine. You’re not your sister, you, Lily, are never forgotten, always sweet, always kind
, and I’m going to prove to you just how much I want you and no one else.”
Tears fill my eyes at his words, and before I can muster up a response, he’s kissing me. He breathes life into me, filling my soul with a fire that will never be extinguished. Clawing at each other’s clothes, my mind registers the sound of buttons flying, landing somewhere off in the distance, and fabric tearing but I’m too far gone to care.
Like a storm of pent up anger and need, we collide, the air sizzling. Sebastian has me naked and pinned to his desk in seconds. I can’t help myself. I’m starved, ravaged with need. I bite at his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood and earn myself a throaty growl of approval.
He picks me up slightly and makes me sit on the desk, my naked ass on the edge of the wooden surface. His fingers run over my thighs and land on my knees, where he stops to push my legs apart. The cool air meets my heated folds, and I am reminded of how wet I am.
Sebastian steps around me, and in one swoop of his arm clears the entire desk. Papers, pens and other knick-knacks falling to the floor and all I can do is giggle.
That giggle dies when Seb positions himself in front of me again, his eyes as dark as the night sky. With his pupils blown out, he looks almost dangerous, a little unhinged, and my core tingles at the thought of him losing control and taking me here right now. There is something so exciting and sexy about this. Like he has to have me right this second, and there is nothing that’s going to stop him.
He steps between my legs, fitting there perfectly. He takes my lips one more time before gently pushing my shoulders down, making me lie flat on the desk. His fingers fumble with the zipper of his slacks, freeing his steel hard cock in record time.
My legs are still spread, giving him a prime view of my glistening folds. I want him to see, to know how much I want him. His fingers trail over my center, and I almost come right then.
