How to Ditch Dead Guys (The Witch's Handbook Book 2)

by Ann M. Noser

  I whirl around, searching for signs of life.

  “Where are You?” I call out. “Why won’t You talk to me when You’ll talk to everyone else?”

  Elegant script appears on the white boards at the bottom of the lecture hall. YOU DON’T BELONG HERE.

  “But I need to talk to You. I’ve so many questions. Something’s wrong with Steve and I need to help Mike.”

  The floor shifts and shakes below me. I stumble, growing dizzier by the second. The room morphs into the wooded park near my parents’ house. My feet crunch leaves on a shady dirt path. A brindled pit bull with cropped ears approaches.

  My heart thuds as I take an involuntary step back. “Please help me.”

  The gray-muzzled dog wags his tail as his voice growls in my head. FIRST YOU MUST HELP ME.

  “I don’t understand. Why are You a dog?”

  STEVE WILL REVEAL ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.

  “Steve? He’s totally out of control. Why aren’t You doing something to stop him?”

  ALL THAT CATHOLIC SCHOOLING, AND YOU STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF FREE WILL?

  The dog and trees disappear as the room tilts again. I fall to my knees as a glossy black grand piano materializes in front of me. A man who looks like Billy Joel plays a beautiful, yet haunting, melody. After I regain my footing, I place my hand on the cool, smooth surface of the piano.

  “What about the demons?” I ask Billy Joel. “Aren’t You going to help me with them?”

  I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO DEAL WITH IT ON YOUR OWN.

  So it’s true. God does know everything. I flush, embarrassed. I don’t really want anyone to know all of my thoughts.

  “Please tell me what to do,” I beg.

  The pianist closes his eye, nodding in time to the melody. BE GOOD TO YOUR MOTHER.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  YOU’LL SEE HER SOON.

  My breath catches in my throat. “What happened to her? Is she okay?”

  ASK HER YOURSELF.

  I whirl around. “Is she here?”

  NO. YOU’RE GOING BACK.

  “What? But I don’t want to go back!” I’ll lose Jake for good. But maybe I have to, to fix the mess I made.

  The music ends. The Pianist turns His terrible eyes on me. Within the shimmering irises, I see babies crying, a sea of arms flailing, and wolves howling at the moon.

  A low growling fills the room.

  The piano stool falls with a crash as He sprouts fur and morphs into the aged pit bull, which grows taller and broader, transforming into the Giant from the forest. The Creature flings Itself at me, knocking me to the ground.

  I writhe and fight to escape the enormous bared fangs. Its hot breath surrounds me. My body burns, both inside and out. I scream for the pain to stop, but instead of speaking, my mouth spews red and orange flames.

  I choke as smoke pours out, followed by moths, and then a crow, all from my open mouth.

  The room around me fades away. Sprawled on the smooth wooden floor of an old church, I retch, feeling like I’ve been turned inside out. My head spins when I attempt to sit up and look around at the empty room.

  “Where are You? I have more questions!” My plea echoes off the walls.

  The front doors of the church burst open. Two men in black suits hurry toward me. Each grabs an arm and hauls me out of the building.

  I fight their grip as they drag me past the grumbling crowd. “Did someone call the cops on me because I cut in line?”

  Neither of them answer.

  I realize the truth.

  “You goons work for Steve, don’t you?” I hope they don’t beat me up for saying that.

  Streets flash by as they herd me to the familiar stone building. They throw open the massive door, drag me down several hallways, and toss me into Steve’s ostentatious office. I stumble and fall, rubbing my sore arms. Now, I’ve got new bruises on top of the old ones. Dizzy and weak, I collapse into a chair.

  Steve enters without a word. He crosses the room to a minibar where he washes his hands. He wipes flecks of blood off his face with an elegant handkerchief and rolls down his crisp white sleeves. Cold anger oozes from every exfoliated pore.

  “What’s going on, Steve? Why are you covered in blood?”

  Instead of answering, he settles down at his desk and writes a letter. I clear my throat, shuffle my feet, and otherwise try to annoy him into speaking, but he ignores my efforts to capture his attention.

  After he fills several pages, he folds them lengthwise, stuffs them in an envelope, and hands it to me. “Give this to Officer Walker. It’s important.”

  “And how am I supposed to do that?”

  He rises to his full height. “You’re leaving. Right now.”

  “But I don’t want to go back.” At least I don’t think so. Jake won’t wait forever.

  “You will after I tell you what you’ve done to Officer Walker.”

  I scowl. “I haven’t done anything to him. All I did was help with a few murder cases-including yours, I might add.”

  Steve frowns. “You’re mistaken. Walker’s in jail on charges of attempted murder.”

  I grip the arms of the chair. “That’s impossible!”

  Steve glares at me like I’m an idiot. “Your murder, Emma.”

  “What?” I jump out of the chair.

  “Kevin, Mike, and your new wanna-be friend, Phoebe, are trying to help him, but it’s hopeless unless you go back and clear his name.”

  “No. It can’t be true.” It feels like I’m breathing into a vacuum and all the air is being sucked out of my chest.

  “Congratulations. You were right. You did bring Mike back to life again. He exchanged places with you when you came here. This time, he even has the use of his own body. He doesn’t have to share one like last time.”

  I stare at a thin streak of blood staining Steve’s cheek. “Whose blood is that?” Looking down at the envelope in my hands, I know the answer. “It’s from Dominic, isn’t it? You kept him prisoner here, and tortured him until he spilled whatever information you wanted. Is that even allowed up here?”

  “You could say that I’m making up the rules as I go.” Steve flips open a wooden chest on his desk and plucks out a shiny chain. At the end dangles an ornate silver and gold key. He grabs my elbow and leads me to a metallic door at the far end of the room. Steve unlocks and swings open a heavy golden door to reveal a silver one behind it.

  “I can’t believe how you’ve changed.” I stare at Steve’s clenched jaw. “I mean, who’s worse now-you, or the gang that killed you?”

  “I’m going to pretend you never said that.” He slides the key in the second lock. “Actually, Emma, you should thank me. I’m giving you what you always wanted. Or should I say ‘who?’“

  Blood is pounding in my ears. “What are you talking about?”

  “You’re going to the Healing Islands before you go back to Charlie.”

  I shake my head. “No. Send me straight back. I can’t waste time on a tropical vacation.”

  “We’re not wasting anything. The time you spend at the Healing Islands will last only the blink of an eye on Earth. You won’t be of any use to me if you’re all messed up. And I sent Mike there to tell you everything he knows. Imagine it. You’ll be together in paradise. This could be a wonderful opportunity for you.”

  I want to smack him across his blood-stained cheek. “What’s wrong with you, Steve? You’re not the person I remember. I’m disappointed in you.”

  His eyes narrow. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m exactly the same person. Maybe it’s you who has changed.”

  “Maybe I have, but I’m not the only one. You’re so angry now. You’re out of control.”

  “No.” He gives me a tight-lipped smile, more of a grimace. “I’m in control. There’s a difference. I’ve always been willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish my goals. And if you don’t like that, the take a good look in the mirror, because you’re exactly the same way. That�
�s what I always admired about you. You did what had to be done, when necessary, regardless of the consequences. That’s what heroes are made of.”

  “You’re no hero, Steve.” I clench my jaw. “Not in my book.”

  “I’m sorry you feel that way.” But he doesn’t look sorry at all.

  “Just open the door, Steve. I’m going, but I want you to know that I’m doing this for Walker. Not you.”

  “Fine. If that’s how you want to see it.”

  He opens the last door and I plunge through the opening.

  WHOOSH!

  The wind stings my eyes as I drop into pale blue nothingness. Falling into the void, I hear Jake’s muffled voice from a great distance.

  “Where’s Emma?” he demands.

  “Oh, great, it’s the God Squad,” Steve scoffs.

  “What did you do with her?” Jake yells. “And where do you think you’re going?”

  A series of two doors slam shut, one right after the other.

  Once again, Jake and I never got to say good-bye.

  fter the initial plummet, my descent feels more like floating than falling. I drift through a cloudless blue sky, but its perfection can’t calm the turmoil inside. Will I ever see Jake again? Will I reach Walker in time? How can I explain myself without telling the police and (gulp) my parents that I’m a witch? At least Dad shouldn’t be surprised, since it does run in the family.

  The sky lightens as I soar past the sun and land feet first on a pristine beach, stumbling about as if I’ve got sea legs. Bright sunlight bathes my skin, warming my hair and soothing my bruises. Steve was right. This is paradise.

  Now to find Mike.

  I hurry along the beach, leaving a long path of footprints behind. I scan the glittering sea, and sandy beaches lined with palm trees. The heat is stifling. I push up the long sleeves of the turtleneck and approach the water’s edge to cool my feet.

  Where is Mike? All I can find are swaying palms, skittering reptiles, and screeching birds. Can’t trust anything Steve says anymore. Can’t trust him. Can barely trust myself. I’m not sure how I’m going to save Walker when I haven’t even done a very good job of saving myself.

  Still sweating, I climb onto a large flat rock jutting into the ocean and gaze out at the far horizon. Nothing but endless sky and sea. And heat! I can’t take it anymore. I strip down to my bra and underwear and jump in. Warm water swaddles me like an infant. Bright blue and orange fish dart through turquoise waters. I pass coral reefs and fields of waving seaweed as I twist and turn in the comfort of the water’s embrace.

  I could stay here forever. Completely relaxed, I crawl back onto the gray rock warmed from the sun and stretch out to dry. My bruises have faded away. As I melt onto the rock, something cold and wet nudges my hand. My eyes fly open. A Golden Retriever with a gray muzzle, scrawny legs, and rough coat pants over my head.

  “Woof!” The old dog noses a worn tennis ball in my direction. The dog’s clouded eyes shine with hope.

  “You wanna play fetch?” I toss the ball far out onto the beach, causing the old dog to give me the stink eye. “Sorry, buddy. I shouldn’t have thrown it so far.”

  The dog ambles down the rock, every movement hesitant and stiff. Far beyond where the ball landed on the beach, I spot a dark silhouette in the sunlight. As the figure draws closer, my heart stutters. After all this time, why does seeing Mike still make me nervous? Wait, maybe it’s because I’m only wearing a bra and underwear. I tug on my turtleneck and jeans as fast as I can over damp skin and scramble down to the beach.

  “Hello, Mike,” I call out as he approaches.

  He throws up his hands. “I knew you’d be here somehow.”

  Oh, boy. He’s not happy to see me.

  “What have you done now, Emma?” He shakes his head. “I keep getting tossed here and there. Why can’t you leave that awful Book of Shadows alone? I told you it was dangerous. I should’ve forced you to get rid of it when I had the chance. But I didn’t, and you didn’t, and now you’re dead because of it, aren’t you?”

  I keep my distance. “I need my Book, Mike. And I’m not dead. Not yet, anyway.”

  “Well, you did a very good impression of a dead person in front of that fire pit. You weren’t breathing, and I couldn’t find a pulse. I tried to resuscitate you, but there was smoke everywhere, and sirens blaring. Then the cops showed up. And I panicked—so I picked up your stupid Book and ran away.”

  I gasp and warmth floods my being. “You mean the Book of Shadows is okay? I didn’t destroy it?”

  “That would be the only thing you care about,” he mutters.

  My heart races. “No, it’s not. And I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to leave you alone.”

  He waves his hand. “I wasn’t alone. I had my family.”

  “You did?” My jaw drops. “But last time, you said you didn’t want to—”

  “I know, but this time around I didn’t have a choice. And I’m glad I got to spend some more time with my mom, even though twice now I’ve left without saying good-bye.” He grabs a pebble and flings it across the beach. “All because of you and your obsession with witchcraft.”

  I hang my head. Why can’t I do anything right when it comes to Mike? Or Jake, for that matter?

  “You’ve no idea what you’ve put me through.” His shoulders slump. “When is this going to stop?”

  A wet nose nudges my hand. Grateful for the distraction, I pick up the old dog’s ball and toss it a short way down the beach.

  “I’m sorry, but I wasn’t trying to call you back this time.” I sneak a glance at him, but he’s staring at the ocean. “Walker asked me to help with some murder cases, and things got out of hand.”

  “Out of hand?” He spins toward me. “Is that what you call being possessed by demons? I’m beginning to think you don’t care what happens to you as long as you can keep using that stupid Book.”

  I take a step back. “How do you know I’m possessed?”

  “Father Joe told me. He’s trying to figure out how to dispel your demons. He and my mother spend a lot of time at the hospital watching over you.”

  “Your mother?” My gut clenches. “But she hates me.”

  Mike shakes his head. “No, she doesn’t. You’re just paranoid.”

  “Yes, she does. Remember what she said to me at your funeral? Oh, wait… I guess you weren’t exactly there.” My ill-chosen words peter out.

  “Well, I don’t know what she told you, but I’d forget about anything anyone says at a funeral—especially the funeral of their own son.”

  I glance at the open water, which looks so much more tranquil than I feel. “Okay. That’s fair.”

  He bends down to pet the dog. “Plus it’s not her you have to worry about—it’s those demons inside you.”

  I cross my arms in front of my chest, as if protecting them. “Hold on. They’re not demons— not all of them, anyway. Most of them are victims. Except for one very creepy guy named Shadow.”

  He tosses the ball a short distance down the beach. “You still need to get rid of all of them or they’ll destroy you.”

  I avoid his gaze. “I’m not sure they’re even still with me. I feel so much better now. Maybe they’re gone.”

  “Don’t fool yourself, and don’t lie to me.” He grabs my arm. “What are you going to do now? What’s your big plan? You’d better have a good one, or you’re gonna ruin Charlie’s life.”

  My stomach sinks. “I don’t know yet, but I’ll take care of it. I promise. I just don’t know exactly how yet.”

  “Oh, boy. Charlie’s doomed.” Mike sinks to his knees, burying his face in his hands. “You’re in this too deep and can’t see your way out.”

  “First, you’ve got to tell me everything that happened, so I can help Walker when I get back. That’s the reason Steve sent us both here.”

  Mike talks through his hands. “So this is Steve’s fault? Doesn’t matter. I can blame you and him all I want, but it’s still all my own dum
b fault. If I hadn’t gone swimming that night and drowned. If I’d convinced you to get rid of your Book of Shadows.”

  I put out a hand, begging him to stop. “I’m sorry I always make you feel guilty.”

  “Of course I feel guilty. It’s my fault this whole thing started.” He rubs his eyes. “You treat witchcraft like a game and it almost killed you, but let’s stop fighting about it and get started figuring out what to do. Who knows how much time the Great and Wise Steve gave us? I hardly even know where to begin.”

  “Did you talk to Walker? How is he?” I hold my breath, waiting for the answer.

  “Sorry. I don’t know. Never saw him. He’s stuck in jail with news reporters swarming the police station. I couldn’t risk getting anywhere near him. Someone might recognize me, and I’m supposed to be dead, remember?”

  “So he is in jail.” My stomach sinks. “I wasn’t sure whether to believe Steve or not. Walker must be so pissed at me.”

  “Maybe.” Mike shrugs, plopping down on the sand and running it through his fingers. “Kevin’s still training with the police. He told me jail has been tough on Charlie. You know, since he’s a cop and all.”

  “So you finally talked to Kevin? That’s great!” My sudden happiness disappears, because Kevin hated me even more than Mike’s mother. And now maybe Walker’s mother, too. Wait a minute… “What did you tell Kevin about me?”

  Mike smiles. “You mean: does Kevin know you’re a witch? Yes. He does. I told him the truth about everything.”

  I put a hand to my belly. “Oh no, I think I’m going to be sick.”

  Mike grabs the ball and tosses it in the air, the dog watching closely. “That’s funny. I must have that effect on a lot of people, ‘cause Kevin puked the first time he saw me.”