This cannot be happening to me.
That was the night my innocence was stolen, crushing my heart and stealing my soul with it.
Shooting up out of bed, I take a deep breath as I take in my surroundings. I am momentarily disconcerted, and it takes me a minute to realize where I am. I move the pillows so I’m pressed against the wall, facing the door with my right hand pressed against my chest trying to calm my racing heart.
“Inhale. Exhale,” I say out loud, attempting to reassure myself I’m not in that house. In that room.
I’m safe.
The smell of smoke lingers on my skin as memories from last night flit through my mind. A time that should fill me with warmth and happiness is just one of many that have been tainted by him. I hadn’t experienced a nightmare in months, not since before I moved to Arbor Creek. This place was untouched by my past until tonight. The only way I can rid myself of the nightmares that plague me is to get the smell of smoke off my skin and scrubbed from my mind.
Pulling back the blankets, I swing my legs over and step out of bed. Padding to the bathroom, I turn on the light and quickly undress. Once I’m naked, I stand stoically in front of the mirror.
There is nothing beautiful about what I see. I feel ugly and dirty.
Tears fill my eyes, but I don’t move to wipe them, leaving them streaming down my face.
I know I agreed to go out on a date with Callum, and with all my heart, I want to be able to follow through with it, but I can’t now. The past always has a way of catching up with you, and as much as I wanted this to be a fresh start, I need to remember that. The thought of not feeling his arms around me or how my heart races when he is near creates another wave of emotion as I choke out a sob.
Turning, I open the shower curtain and step into the bathtub. I adjust the temperature until it’s so hot that it’s nearly unbearable. Letting the water cascade over my face, I wash away the evidence of my heartbreak along with my hopes for the future.
I stand in the shower until the water turns cold and I force myself to get out. Once I’ve dried off and in a nightshirt, I waste no time in ripping the sheets from my bed needing to rid the smell from my room.
I know I’ll have to break it to Callum that I’m not going on a date with him. I just don’t know how I’ll find it in my heart to go through with it. A selfish part of me doesn’t want to give him up. The logical part of me says no attachments to Arbor Creek, remembering threats made by him promising to collect what’s his.
Curling up on the couch, the tears fall hard, leaving my eyes feeling heavy and tired. I fall asleep clutching my blanket to my chest, wishing away the way things had to be.
The music blares through the speakers of the gym, thumping a steady beat, drowning out my thoughts and the sound of my gloved fist hitting the heavy bag. Sweat trickles down my face and back, my breath comes out in pants as I unleash the pent-up frustration. The burn in my muscles is a welcomed pain.
Jab, jab, cross.
I have been coming to Grind’s Gym since I was a teenager. After all the changes following my parents’ separation, moving and my mother getting remarried, I was starting to act out. From fights at school to walking out of class to even staying out at night to avoid going home. Randy didn’t let that shit slide though, at least not if I wanted to stay under his roof.
If it was a choice between staying there or moving in with my father, I think the answer was obvious. Randy saw what I needed was a way to release the anger I had built up in me, which led him to introducing me to Grind’s. Boxing gave me an opportunity to let out some aggression and clear my head, which is what I need right now.
With each blow, I feel the weight of the last five days lessen.
I haven’t seen or spoken to Ellie since the night of the bonfire, but it’s not without a lack of trying. When I got home, I once again couldn’t sleep as thoughts of Ellie consumed me. When I woke up the next morning, I knew I couldn’t waste another minute. She promised me a date, and I was using that reason as an opportunity to go see her.
What I didn’t expect was for everything to change between us so quickly.
I hear the steps creak as I take them two at a time. With a bouquet of flowers in one hand, I use the other hand to knock on the door. The wind blows around me, causing the wind chimes to cling together as they move in the breeze. Ellie doesn’t own a car, so it’s hard to know for certain if she’s home, but the bike I’ve seen her riding around town is leaning against the side of the house.
Turning to look at the window from the open porch, I can see the sheer white curtains blowing in the warm air with the television playing in the background. The faint sound of footsteps brings a smile to my face at the thought of seeing Ellie. I can only imagine how beautiful she looks fresh-faced in the morning. Seeing a figure moving through the glass window of the entryway, I decided to knock again telling myself that maybe she didn’t hear me the first time.
“Ellie, it’s Callum. Are you home?” I ask, knowing someone is here.
I don’t know what it is at this moment, maybe it’s the way my voice sounds through my ears, but I know something isn’t right. A feeling of unease settles in my stomach.
Taking a step back, I turn to bend down and look in the window and see Ellie perched on the couch with her arms wrapped around her knees. Her head is burrowed in her arms as her small body shakes as the sobs rack through her body.
“Ellie, it’s me. Are you okay?” I can hear her cries, but she doesn’t move to look up or to open the door.
For whatever reason, I can’t help but feel that no matter what I do, if I push her too hard or not enough, she is going to walk away from me either way. I know if I get in my truck and drive away, there is no telling if I will see Ellie again.
That fear has been weighing on my mind.
I’ve spent my whole life pushing people down a path, hoping that they will see the light on their own. In the end, all I’ve ever experienced was the disappointment as they chose a different course. I couldn’t convince my Dad to stay with us, to be a better husband or father, and I couldn’t convince Madison to choose me. At least, not while I still wanted her.
I’m not about to beg someone to stay, to be with me.
Turning away from the window, I lean against the side of the house as I rub my hand along my chest, trying to dull the ache from the weight pressing down on me. Every time people have left, they have taken a part of me with them. Sooner or later, there is going to be nothing left for anyone to take.
Leaning down, I set the flowers on the rocking chair on the porch. Turning back, I give Ellie one last chance to come to me. To open the door and let me in.
Brick by brick she continues to build the wall up around her heart.
Backing out of the driveway that morning, I fought against the urge to throw the truck in park and run back up to the door. To push her, to demand she tell me what is going on.
She wanted to be left alone, for whatever reason, so I gave her what she wanted.
I was so confident after the night of the bonfire that her walls were starting to come down, but I was wrong.
I stopped into Hudson’s earlier this week to pick up a few things. They were things I needed, but it was an excuse to try and see her. I told myself maybe if she saw me, looked me in the eyes, maybe she would just tell me what was going on.
I still can’t get over the look of sadness on her face. I didn’t miss the way she looked at me as if she was cataloging everything at that moment. I couldn’t ignore the niggling fear she was going to run - not just from me, but from Arbor Creek.
I know the feeling all too well of watching people walk away from you.
As soon as she saw me approaching her, she once again made a break for it. She took another piece of me when she did and only added to the heavy weight on my heart in the process. I have driven past her house every night since, finding comfort in seeing her lights on. I tell myself it’s my way of checking whether she made it home safel
y. In all reality, I know I’m just checking to make sure she hasn’t left town. Besides working and fixing my bike, I’ve been spending a whole hell of a lot more time at the gym.
Jab, jab, hook.
Jab, jab, cross.
I don’t know how much time passes, feeling lost and zoned, out when I hear someone clearing their throat behind me, breaking me from my trance.
“What’s up, bro?” Turning, I see Brannon and Wes standing behind me. A baseball cap pulled down low on Brannon’s head and their gym bags slung over their shoulders. By the looks of their street clothes, they must’ve just gotten here.
“You alright?” Wes asks, his brows furrowing, taking in the sweat pouring from my face.
“I’m good,” I say, and for a second I’m reminded of Ellie and her use of the words “I’m fine.” If there is one thing my mother ever taught me, it’s when a woman says she’s fine, you can bet your ass she’s the exact opposite.
That shit is like a trap.
Unstrapping my gloves, I pull them off one by one as I lean down to pick up my water bottle off the floor. Taking a quick drink, I pour some over my head, using it to cool my overheated skin.
“You sure, man? You didn’t look alright the way you were going to town on that bag. This have to do with your brother?” Brannon asks. He grew up with both of us; it’s not surprising that even though Mason’s in Chicago, they would keep in touch.
“Fuck no, dude. I don’t know what he told you, but he’s the furthest thing from my mind right now.” I can’t help but let the frustration seep into my tone. Yeah, I’m still pissed about the bullshit that happened, but I’m not even giving it a second of my time anymore.
“Whoa. It’s all good,” Brannon says, holding up his hands, sensing my anger. “Does this have something to do with you and that girl?” He asks, changing the subject.
Wes starts coughing behind me as I turn to see him gesturing for Brannon to cut off the conversation there. I haven’t had the chance to talk to either of them about what’s going on with Ellie, but what is there to tell now? Apparently, Wes knows more about it than I do.
“You got something to say? Why don’t you just tell me,” I grunt. The frustration is back, causing my shoulders to tense.
What is it about this girl that has me wound so tight?
“Chill, man,” Wes reassures me calmly. “Kins was just telling me about their girls’ night they have planned for tonight. She just mentioned Ellie had been down lately, and she’s worried she may be dippin’ out of town.”
Wait, so Ellie is thinking about leaving? I mean, I had a feeling it was coming. Heck, I expected it after our conversations, but hearing Kinsley share the same fears puts me on edge.
FUCK!
Balling my hands into fists, I turn and walk away needing a minute to collect my thoughts. I want so badly to just walk out of this gym, to find Ellie and talk to her. Bending down near my gym bag, I pull out my cell phone, quickly unlock it, and pull up my message history with Kinsley.
Callum: You think she’ll leave?
Kinsley hasn’t asked me much about our relationship. After that night at the bar, she could tell I was upset after Ellie had bailed. The words of anger when I first thought maybe Ellie left with that asshole. She didn’t question it, though. The look in her eye when she saw my reaction, she knew it was more.
My phone vibrates in my hand as I look down at her message.
Kins: I don’t think she wants to, but I believe there’s more to it. I don’t know.
Kins: We have plans tonight, and I’m hoping she’ll talk to me. You know I’ll do my best to convince her to stay. She’s one of my best friends. I don’t want her to go either.
Wes claps me on the back as I turn to face him, “I haven’t talked to her since the bonfire at your house, man. Hell, you knew more than I did.”
“It’ll be alright, bro. You need to get your mind off everything. Let’s go out for beers tomorrow night and watch the fights. Champs at 8?”
Like any good friend, they know exactly what I need. Tossing my phone in the pocket of my gym bag, I bend down to throw my gloves in before zipping it up.
“Count me in! I’m going to hit the showers quick before I head to work. I’ll see ya tomorrow night at Champs,” I say, sliding the strap of the bag over my shoulder as I turn toward the locker room.
“I’m so glad we decided to stay in and do a girls’ night,” Kinsley shouts from the kitchen. I just heard her mumble an “oh shit” as pots and pans clanked together. I’m beginning to wonder if I should be concerned by the amount of noise coming from in there. If it weren’t for the fact that she keeps yelling to me, carrying on a conversation, I’d be more worried. It sounds like she is close to bringing down the house all while making a bowl of popcorn.
“I am, too. I needed this!” I sigh, calling back to her, rubbing my hand over my chest trying to lessen the pain. Looking over at the beautiful flowers sitting in the vase on the end table, I feel the weight press down thinking about when Callum showed up at my house the other day.
I wasn’t prepared to see him, to explain the reasons why I couldn’t go on a date with him. I know he would want to know why, and he deserves that explanation. I just needed more time, but at this point it almost feels like I’m taking more time to convince myself why this is the right decision.
Kinsley has been worried about me this week; she called me out at work for pulling back lately. She is friends with Callum, so I am sure she knows something is going on. After the third attempt of her trying to make plans to get together, I couldn’t blow her off. I wouldn’t doubt for a second that she’d just show up at my door if I kept putting her off. Knowing her, she’d somehow find a way to get a key from Hudson, so it really was no use.
It’s been five days since I last saw Callum. My resistance is starting to wear thin, and I can feel myself giving in. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him.
“I needed this and THIS!” she says, holding up a full glass of wine, raising her brows suggestively. “Are you sure you don’t want to try some? It’s delicious, and it helps me relax, which you clearly need.” Kinsley takes a big drink, before raising the glass as if toasting for a special occasion.
“I am okay. I think I’ll pass but thank you.”
I can’t help but laugh at Kinsley’s choice of wine glass. Before she came over, I warned her I didn’t own any wine glasses. Flashing her hand to me, she reassured me she had it covered. I certainly didn’t expect her to show up with a glass so big she could probably pour the entire bottle into it.
Now that I think about it, I’m sure it’s why she bought it.
Pressing play on the movie, Kinsley hands me the bowl of popcorn as I fold my legs underneath me, settling into my spot on the couch. When we were deciding on a movie, I made Kinsley promise it would be a comedy. More than anything, I needed something funny to loosen me up and help keep my mind off Callum.
Just thinking about him makes my heart ache a little bit more. I haven’t said the words out loud, mostly because I’m not ready to fully admit it, but I know I miss him. The way his body felt pressed against mine when he kissed me. I’ve never felt anything like it.
Shaking myself from my thoughts, I look up to find Kinsley watching me. It wouldn’t take a genius to figure it out where my thoughts escaped to. Giving me a small, sad smile to match my own, she settles into her spot as I place the popcorn on the cushion between us.
“I can’t believe you’ve never drank wine!” Kinsley sighs, sounding almost exasperated.
“You’d be amazed then. There are a lot of things I haven’t done.” I laugh. If only she knew half of what I’ve been through, maybe she would understand.
“Like what?” she asks, looking at me. “You are one of my closest friends, Ellie. I feel so comfortable when I’m around you. I know I can tell you anything and you will never judge me, never tell a soul. I wish you knew that it’s the same on my end. You know you can talk to me, right?”
Nodding my head, I let my eyes meet hers again before turning my attention back to the movie to distract me.
“I’ve never had a boyfriend. At least not in the real sense of one.” The look of surprise on Kinsley’s face proves she never expected to hear that.
“Before your eyes fall out of your head and roll across the floor, I should clarify I have had sex. I’m not that innocent.” I laugh, knowing exactly where her mind is going. Despite all the shit I’ve been through, I’m not so fucked in the head to where I can’t stand a man’s touch. In fact, I think in a way after high school, I found myself craving it for all the wrong reasons.
During college, I met a guy while I was working at the coffee shop down the street from Grams. Cameron was a nice guy, handsome in a boyish sort of way. He didn’t ask questions or push me to talk. At the time, I was looking for something to fill the pang of loneliness I was feeling. Grams’s health had started to deteriorate, and I was struggling to come to terms with the fact that sooner than later, I would be alone in the world.
I wanted to feel like for once in my life I wasn’t as broken as I felt. Cameron gave me something no one else in my life had given me.
Intimacy.
As quickly as it started, it was over with. Cameron broke the news a couple of weeks later he was moving back home at the end of the semester. He tried to hang out a couple of times after that, but what was the point? It’s not as if I loved him, I’m not that naive. I just couldn’t help realizing once again, someone else I had allowed myself to get close to had chosen to walk away.
“I’ve never had a friendship like the one I have with you.” I look up at Kinsley, and I can see the emotion pass over her face hearing the words. “Although, I don’t think there are many people like you in this world,” I say, laughing as I run my finger over the top of my nails to detract from what I know I’m going to say next.
“I’ve never felt the way I do about Callum,” I admit. The words come out so fast it’s as if I want to spit them out before I can stop myself. “It terrifies me.”
Where I Found You (Heart's Compass Book 1) Page 7
