by Renee Carr
Brighton looked disappointed but nodded his head. “That makes sense.”
I gave them both the most comforting smile that I could. “I agree with him, I think it’s for the best. But I promise that I’ll call you as soon as he’s up and around and you can come over and hang out with him. My mother has a garden that you guys can sit around and I’m sure that she’ll make you food and drinks while you’re there.”
They both smiled. Brighton looked at his brother and then back at me. “That sounds great, but today we’re heading back to Galena. We both have to get back to work, but we’ll be back this weekend to check on him. Just let him know that we’re thinking about him and if he needs anything, or anything changes at all, just to give us a call. We’ll both have our cell phones on us, and our father knows what’s going on so he’ll want to hear from him as well.”
I gave them both a hug and promised, hoping that I could keep that promise. Standing there in the hallway, I smiled and waved until they disappeared out the door, dropping the smile on my face. I didn’t like to lie, but I was in a position where there was no other option. Christian and I were now stuck in a secret, a secret so big, I had to make sure that no one ever found out about it. Both of our lives might depend on it.
13
Christian
For some reason, this time around, the national forest didn’t seem as inviting as the times before. It was darker, less vibrant, and felt like it held secrets much more nefarious than I was ready to handle. The trees rustled a little bit lower, the leaves whistled and cracked as they fluttered back and forth in the canopy of the trees. Standing in the parking lot, looking through the path that I always took to our spot, I found a hesitation that I had never had before.
I had to push through it. I had to get over it. Less than 12 hours before, I had turned into a wolf, which was not normal and I knew the answers were inside those woods. Taking a deep breath and grabbing my bag, I headed straight in, making my way to the place where we had originally camped. Everything looked the same as when we had left it, the leaves pushed around where tents had stood, the remnants of the fire in the center, and the rushing of the river just a few feet away. I closed my eyes, picturing the morning that I had left, the morning I had gone out in search of… I don’t even know what I was in search of. Adventure? A cleared mind? For whatever reason, I ended up at a place, with a wolf, that would forever change my life and I needed answers.
After searching around the campsite for a little bit, I decided to head in the direction I took when I went out exploring. As I pushed through the off-trail foliage, bending branches back and sweeping spiderwebs aside, I stopped. Maybe it was my imagination, something that tended to run wild when I was suspecting more than what I had bargained for. Maybe it was the wind, knocking the branches around, following me through the forest. Either way, I had this deep and unmoving suspicion that something was following me through the woods, watching me, finding curiosity in what I was doing.
I pushed on, imagining each step that I took that day. The further I went, the braver I felt, like something was building inside of me again. I really didn’t want to turn into my wolf randomly in the middle of the woods, especially without Libby close by, but at least out there I wouldn’t hurt anybody. I had always been a brave person, more out of necessity with two little brothers and our mother gone, but brave was brave. Now, though, as I grew closer to the cave, both my bravery and my curiosity seemed to be magnified. It felt like I could leap off of tall buildings, take on the worst criminals in the world, and not a single drop of fear would come over me. It was a strange feeling, a radiating feeling. It was something that crept down into my core and motivated me to be more than what I was.
I felt like that time out there in the woods was time with my wolf. I knew the feelings that surged through me had everything to do with him, but I wasn’t sure really what to make of it. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to talk to him, have a conversation, work it all out in my head, or just let him be because there was really nothing I could do to control him. It was just another reason why I was out there, looking for the answers or someone that could give them to me. If that wolf, the one that bit me, was the one that turned me, there was a good chance it was human too and still somewhere out there in the woods.
Pushing through a veil of vines and overgrown bushes, the cave loomed in front of me. It was exactly where I had found myself that fateful morning with the wolf. Looking around, I could see the dried blood trickling through the leaves where my feet had pushed through and I, or so it looked, had fallen down multiple times and then gotten back up. I couldn’t remember that walk from the cave to the campsite but I was told that I came stumbling in, hurt and scared. From the looks of it, I had left there human, or as human as I could have. I was definitely a little less human when I had returned.
What didn’t make sense to me was the fact that I could clearly remember passing out in the cave and nothing else after that. Maybe I didn’t pass out there, maybe it just felt that way. There were hundreds of stories of people using their adrenaline to get themselves to safety, with no memory of what they had done. There was a really good chance that was me. Or… maybe I had passed out. Maybe my wolf was the one who had gotten me back to my brothers. If my wolf was inside of me at that point, it would’ve been able to tell where I could go for safety. But it just seemed so strange, something guiding my body while my mind tumbled through the darkness of unconsciousness. How was that even possible?
I walked up to the edge of the cave and glanced around the area, looking to see if anyone was watching. There was no flutter of tree limbs or cracking sticks. There were no yellow eyes gazing back at me or snarls from a wolf’s snout. It was calm around me, but I knew that I wasn’t alone. In fact, I knew that I would never be alone again. The wolf inside of me would never leave me, and though I had no idea how I knew that, it was almost a comforting feeling. Protection that pushed me even harder to find answers. If I understood what I was dealing with, maybe I could learn to live with it. Maybe I could learn to shift when I wanted to, protect the ones I loved, never have to worry about accidentally hurting someone.
There was a really good chance I would never find out what had fully happened that night, but that didn’t mean I didn’t need some answers. Why me? Why was I turning into a raging animal? What do I do now? I had a hard time believing that one small cave would give me all those answers, but I had to start somewhere. Going back to the scene, the scene of what I guess you could call the crime, seemed like the most obvious choice to me.
Putting my hand on the side of the cave and feeling the cool stone beneath my palm, I closed my eyes and took in a long, deep breath. I let all of the scents and sounds sink into my body, almost asking the wolf for help. It was like I could see myself weeks before, stumbling out of the cave, touching my bloody hand to the ground, my eyes glazed over in a yellow hue. I could smell the other wolf, I could smell my wolf. Even though I had never taken that scent in before, my own wolf seemed comforting and familiar like coming home after a long time away. Like the way a home-cooked meal filled your house with comforting smells. The way someone you loved smelled so familiar when you hugged them.
When I opened my eyes again, I was right back there, standing at the cave, no one else around. There was a slight bit of disappointment in me, but I wasn’t sure what I was expecting. Did I really think that all the answers would come flooding to me just because things smelled familiar? I guess it wasn’t out of the question; nothing was as it was supposed to be. I turned into a damn wolf, after all. It wasn’t like it was crazy to think things would go a little strange.
Looking up overhead, the sun was filtering through the leaves, casting shadows down into the small clearing right above the cave. I knew that it was midday, and by then, Libby had gotten my note and was working at the hospital. I knew that she would be worried, and would be waiting for me to come back. I knew that I didn’t want to keep her waiting too long, knowing how much she would
be concerned about my disappearance. With her past, and what had happened to her father, I really didn’t want to be the cause of her pain.
So, moving forward, I walked down into the entrance of the cave, through the small walkway, and into the open space. On this day, it seemed a lot brighter than the morning I had gone there initially. Up above, cracks in the ceiling of the cave gave way to light that sent large beams down to the cave floor and cascaded across to the walls. At first, I expected to find the wolf still sitting there, but that was silly. I had watched it run off.
Bending down, I ran my hand across an area of the cave floor caked with blood. It had to have been where the wolf bit me, where I remembered falling. Beside it were two large handprints and two even larger paw prints. Lifting an eyebrow, I picked a piece of silver hair out of the dried blood and held it up to my face. When I had collapsed, it looked like another wolf was there. Someone had helped me out of the cave, but who? Had the wolf that bit me come back? If it did, why?
I stood up and sighed, looking around the rest of the cave for any other clues. There weren’t any. The place was empty except for a few piles of dirt and weeds in the corner, and there were no other signs of the wolves or anyone else, for that matter. There was a good chance that those prints were the only clues I was going to get from inside that damp cave. But they were only random puzzle pieces that I couldn’t fit together with anything else. It was frustrating, to say the least.
I’m not sure what I expected, but I felt the disappointment run through me. I took a step back and shook my head as I turned my body back toward the door of the cave. Crossing my arms over my chest and looking up, I stopped right there. Not another muscle in my body moved as I came face to face with the exact same wolf that had bitten me just weeks before in that very spot. Carefully, my hands lowered down to my sides and our eyes met. His were golden, just like mine always turned, and instead of being fearful and ragged, he was healthy, shiny, and showed no signs of aggression.
While the bravery that I had was still there, I could feel my wolf pulling at me. It was almost as if he were lowering himself to the ground, bowing to whoever this was in front of me. But I wasn’t going to do what my wolf wanted me to do. I deserved answers, and I was finally standing in front of the same wolf, the same one that had been storming my dreams ever since it bit me. It was the only one with answers, and fight or not, I was going to find them out.
14
Libby
Leaning back in the chair, I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to calm the nerves that were running through me. Melissa sat down across from me at the restaurant table and smiled. “You look stressed. What’s going on? I had a feeling you would be stressed. I thought it was crazy when you agreed to let that patient stay in your mom’s guest house. Talk about taking your work home with you.”
I smiled, shaking my head. “It’s actually really nice to have him there.”
She lifted an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? And how exactly is that nice? Just how ‘nice’ is he?”
I couldn’t help but feel a little bit embarrassed, my cheeks glowing red. Of course, I couldn’t tell her about the wolf, but that wasn’t the only thing that was going on. With the chaos of the situation, I hadn’t really thought about the fact that we had slept together, that we had this crazy connection that didn’t seem to be going away at all.
Melissa’s mouth fell open and she slapped her hand on the tabletop. Looking around, she lowered her voice and leaned in. “Oh my God! You have to tell me everything.”
Letting myself relax for a moment and simmer in the excitement of the situation, I shrugged my shoulders. I tried to act nonchalant, but there was no way that I could. “I don’t know. There was something about him from the beginning. There was this connection, something I really couldn’t explain. He was so good with my mother, and he just makes me feel safe.”
Melissa looked at me with excitement in her eyes as she chewed on a piece of roll. “Mm-hmm. Right. So, what happened?”
I laughed, shaking my head. “A lot happened. It’s obvious, I can’t hide it from you. We slept together, but it just seemed like so much more than that. I have these feelings that I’ve never had for someone before. I thought maybe at first it was just because he was good-looking and he needed my help. I didn’t want to become one of those girls that only took in those that needed help. But when he started to feel better, and he didn’t need me like he had the last few days, his strength was intoxicating. He was intoxicating.”
Melissa shook her head and smiled. “Personally, I think this is awesome. You’ve gone long enough without someone in your life. You have so many responsibilities, and it’s not fair that there’s no reprieve there. I haven’t seen you smile like this, probably ever. You look like you’re on cloud nine.”
As I smiled, flashes of Christian turning into his wolf blew through my mind. Cloud nine sounded like an amazing place to be, but I definitely wasn’t there yet. I knew that I wouldn’t be until we had some answers. Still, I couldn’t forget about my life. It was complicated.
“I’m trying not to get swept up in this,” I said, letting some of the excitement push out of me. “In all reality, these first few days or weeks of any kind of relationship are always cloud nine. Unfortunately, after losing my father, and having to take care of my mother, cloud nine isn’t really where I can afford to be. I have a million things to do every day, and yes, I’m taking care of him right now, but fitting him in, when it’s not absolutely necessary, that seems nearly impossible in my life. There’s barely enough hours in the day for me to sleep as it is.”
Melissa shook her head, rolling her eyes. “Then you don’t sleep, duh. Since when did two people, extremely attracted to each other, spend their time sleeping?”
I giggled and took a sip of my water. “You know what I mean. Sure, sex is great, sex has always been great, but anything beyond that, I just don’t know if I can handle it. I don’t know if I can fit it into my life.”
Melissa sighed and sat forward, reaching out and taking my hand. “Tell me how you feel about him. Put all the other stuff behind you. Set it to the side. Put your fears about your father aside. Put the responsibility of taking care of your mother to the side. Then, just simmer in your feelings for Christian for a few moments. Take it in. See how you truly feel. Think about what you would do if all of these other things didn’t exist.”
“It all sounds so romantic,” I replied. “To be able to think that way, but the reality of the situation is that my life isn’t that simple and it never will be again. Of course, I’m hesitant. Being with somebody would change everything in my life, but it is on my mind every second. I feel drawn to Christian, like there’s some invisible force pulling us together. It’s exactly how I thought it should be if I ever found that guy, only there’s all these things standing in the way.”
Melissa pulled her hand back and shook her head. “You’re letting all those things step in the way. What you need to do is stop thinking so much about it. Remind yourself on a daily basis that you deserve to be happy. You can’t get rid of the responsibilities that you have. You can’t get rid of what happened in the past to your father, and your questions about that will never go away, but while you’re focused on these things, you’re letting your life just pass you by. You are one of the best people that I’ve ever known. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to remember that you can have everything that you’ve ever wanted and a man that treats you well. If that’s Christian, then don’t push him away. If you do, I can promise you you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”
While normally I took Melissa’s advice with a grain of salt because she lived in a fantasy world, this time I knew she was right. I knew if I blinked for even a moment with Christian, I would regret it. But with him out there, searching for answers, the wolf inside of him, everything was just so much more complicated. More questions and not a single one had an answer yet. Was I ready for that?
The rest of work was pretty simple that
afternoon, and I began to let my wandering thoughts on Christian just move to the side. The time where he would be coming back, it was growing closer. I wanted to prepare myself for answers that didn’t make sense. I wanted to prepare myself for more questions. I knew there was no way he would come back knowing everything. And I knew that the small hope lingering in the back of my mind that something would point its finger toward my father was ridiculous. There was a good chance none of this had anything to do with him.
At home that night, I took care of my mother before sitting down inside her house to eat my soup. She had already eaten and was working on some projects in the other room. I sat at the dining room table, staring out the window that overlooked the backyard. Christian wasn’t back yet, and I couldn’t help but wonder where he was.
Down below, beneath the looming pathway lights, was the sidewalk that led up to the guest house. I knew that if he came home, I would be able to see him walking up the path. I wouldn’t miss him. I wanted nothing more than for him to come walking around the corner, but I was starting to wonder if this was going to be a repeat of when my father went missing. What if Christian never came back? What if the national forest swallowed him whole like it had my father? At least this time I had some sort of answer or clue to go off of. With my father I had nothing, and still had nothing.
“You seem out of sorts tonight,” my mother said as she wheeled herself up next to me at the table. “Are you all right?”
