Esme looked to him with obvious pity and mouthed. “Go.”
The dimness of the interior of his home fit his mood perfectly. He didn’t bother with light and went directly to pour whisky into a glass and drank it down in two gulps. The whisky felt like a rock when it hit his gut and instead of the calming effect he expected, it was the opposite.
The mixture of the ale he’d imbibed earlier, the food and now the whisky bubbled in his gut until he had to run back outdoors and empty the contents of his stomach.
When he straightened, Ruari stood before him with arms crossed. “Are ye finished?”
Although Ewan was a large man himself, no one could compare to Ruari. The huge warrior was broad of shoulders, muscular beyond compare and, at the moment, had a dark fury in his eyes that made Ewan want to take a step back.
Instead, he swallowed and waited to see if his stomach was settled enough for him to speak.
“Finished with what?”
“Acting like a fool. Pretending at marriage. Mistreating yer wife.”
Fury boiled and he held an arm pointing in the direction of the garden. “I did not attack her tonight. What happened is a result of before...”
“I am not speaking just of tonight,” Ruari snapped. “But of how ye have acted toward her. How in the bloody hell is she supposed to feel comfortable with ye? Do ye really think yer current actions are not what brought this to happen?”
When his stomach protested to his standing upright, Ewan threw up again. It was not the whisky nor the food that had him feeling sick. But seeing Catriona in such as state. Dirty and bloody, hair plastered to her face with the wetness of her tears. Surely, it had to be what she’d looked like when she was held prisoner.
Tears welled and he gulped back a sob. “What have I done?” He stumbled away from the house without a sure direction. “My God.”
He bent over, attempting to settle his stomach with long breaths.
Ruari’s feet appeared below and he realized that both of them were in bare feet and half-dressed.
“Ye are going to either vow to repair this, or she comes to live with us.” Loathing dripped from each word uttered.
Ruari walked away.
Chapter Twenty-Two
A trickle of sunlight did little to brighten the room, but it was just right in Catriona’s estimation. For a few precious months, she’d been back to herself. And now the thought of stepping past the doorway terrified her.
In the three days since the garden, she’d only seen Esme and Maisie. A messenger had been dispatched to McLeod Keep postponing Paige’s visit, citing illness. It bought Catriona a couple weeks to regain control. Hopefully, it was long enough.
“That will not do at all,” Esme said, plopping down on a chair next to her. “The color is horrible.”
Catriona had been attempting to sketch but, in truth, her heart and mind were elsewhere.
“I think it matches the view perfectly.” She was drawing the window, dark curtains pulled aside, fabric pooling onto the floor.
Esme sniffed. “I suppose the view is dreary.”
Despite the sadness that pooled inside, Catriona managed a smile. “Ye do not like my taste in décor then?”
“I do,” Esme began. “But not in this room.”
They were in a small guest room, which is where Esme had directed she be brought from the episode in the garden. A small space would not be as jarring for her when in a fragile state. And although Catriona agreed, now she wondered if it would have been better to return to her own chambers.
“I am going to move to another bedchamber tonight, a larger one. I wish to speak to Ewan.”
For the last few days, he’d asked to speak to her, and she’d not been willing, considering her husband did not love her and had no interest in her other than her duties as wife. Some of her duties anyway. Those that did not include intimacy.
Esme gave her a concerned look. “There is something I must tell ye.”
There was no reaction in her mind or body. Catriona had stopped caring again. “What is it?”
“Ruari told Ewan that ye are coming to live with us,” Esme said, holding her chin up a notch. “I agree with him. It would help in yer recuperation.”
“I do not agree.”
“Ye must,” Esme replied. “It may be for the best.”
Considering all the plans she’d had for her new home, Catriona wondered what would happen if she left. “This is my home, Esme. I may be in a loveless marriage, but I took vows, and it is my duty as Lady Ross to complete my tasks. Many couples live separate lives in the same home. I will survive well enough. This episode...well, it was bound to happen.”
Moments later, after a rap on the door, Ewan entered.
She’d not seen him looking so poorly since he’d been injured and she’d nursed him to health. His jaw was bearded, there were dark circles under his eyes and his hair was uncombed. She paused for a moment, taking in his rumpled clothing.
“May I sit?” he asked, nearing hesitantly.
Catriona motioned to a chair. “Of course.”
He reached for her hand, but then pulled back. “I am sorry. So very sorry for what I caused.”
“Ye did not cause it, Ewan. It was inevitable. We both know what I’ve been through. Yer attentions caught me off guard and brought it on, but that is not yer fault.”
“It is,” he insisted. “For the way in which I’ve been treating ye. So distant. To suddenly thrust myself upon ye had to be...jarring.”
Past the window, a flock of birds flew by, their wings in symphony, communicating with steady chirps. The day had become cloudy. Catriona wasn’t sure if it was afternoon or evening. When one stayed in one place too long, it became harder to tell the passing of time.
“Do ye wish me to go with Esme? To live there? That way, ye do not have to work so hard to avoid me.”
Silence was followed by the sounds of footsteps in the hallway. Servants hurried past as they went to start preparations for whatever mealtime it was.
“That is precisely what I wish to speak to ye about.” There was sadness in his gaze. “I have been a bloody fool.”
A question was on the tip of her tongue, but Catriona refrained and, instead, waited for him to continue.
“I have kept my distance because of fear and because of my foolish actions. I have caused ye and our marriage so much harm.” This time, he did take her hand in his. “Do not leave me.”
Catriona closed her eyes, hating the loss of the bond they’d once shared. “If I remain, I wish to move into another bedchamber. I do not wish to leave ye. I have duties, responsibilities here.”
“Will ye stay in our bedchamber for a few days. Give me an opportunity to gain yer trust again?”
She’d been missing their comradery, the way she felt secure and comforted when he was with her. Was it still there?
Catriona stood. “Hug me.” The words sounded hollow because, in truth, she didn’t expect to feel anything. “I wish to see what I feel when ye do.”
Her husband was hesitant, and she almost told him to forget it, but then he spoke. “I haven’t bathed. Ye may be repelled.”
Opening her arms, she waited for him to close the distance between them. Ewan came then, pulled her into his arms and held her tightly against him.
At once, the sensation of safety enveloped her. She clung to him and put her ear to his chest, listening to the steady beats of his heart. Everything seemed right in that moment. It was as if nothing could harm her, nothing could penetrate the invisible safety.
“I love ye, Catriona.”
The hoarse words echoed against the ear she had to his chest. Catriona held her breath, unable to fathom that what he spoke was real or sincere for that matter.
“What?”
He pressed a kiss to her temple. “I love ye and I have been foolish in my attempts to keep it locked inside. I fear the pain of being rejected, of what happened in the past. But I have to be a man about it. I have to admit th
e truth and let what happens from now on come as it may.”
It was not the most romantic declaration of love. That he declared his fear along with it, though, made it sincere and heartfelt.
“Ye should not fear,” Catriona said. “I would never, ever betray ye.”
“And I have done nothing but hurt ye,” Ewan said, once again kissing her head. “I have failed as a husband.”
She pushed again because, in truth, it was becoming hard to breathe and avoid the smell of his unwashed body. “We have only been married a short time. There is plenty of time to repair things between us.”
“What about the other night? What if I cause it to happen again?” Ewan let out a breath and a distraught expression crossed his face. “Esme won’t be close enough to help.”
There was no way to tell how or when the next episode would happen. Catriona would not fool herself into thinking it would not reoccur. It was a part of her now, a burden she would have to live with.
“We will have to deal with it on our own. I will have a long talk with Maisie and tell her everything. It is possible she can help. After all, she’s been through some horrible things herself. The death of her family during an enemy attack on her village several years ago when the Mcleods and the Ross Clan were at war.”
Ewan studied her face for a long moment. “It’s best I go wash up. Last meal will be served shortly. Will ye accompany me?”
“I will,” Catriona replied. “First, I must speak to Esme.”
***
That night, while preparing for bed, a peace enveloped Catriona. She met Maisie’s gaze in the mirror. “Tomorrow, ye and I must speak about what occurred to me when I was captured. There are things ye must know in order to help me should it happen again.”
“Of course,” Maisie replied, her expression reassuring. “I understand ye, Lady Ross.”
Catriona believed the young woman did. “Now, go and get some rest. My husband should be here shortly.”
When Ewan came in, it felt a bit awkward. He went to a side table and poured them a glass of honeyed mead.
Catriona sat in front of the fireplace and waited for him to join her. He handed her a glass and lowered to the other chair.
“Ye must feel better after bathing,” Catriona teased to relieve some of the tension in the room.
“I do,” Ewan said. “I am not sure how the others could stand being around me.”
“The privilege or, in some instances, sadness of being leader is that others are forced to deal with ye regardless of things like that.”
His lips curved. “In this case, quite a sad thing.”
Their gazes met and Catriona took a sip of her mead. “I will be sending a messenger to McLeod Keep reissuing my invitation to Lady Paige to come visit.”
Ewan nodded. “I am glad to hear it. I know ye were looking forward to learning about herbs from her.”
“Ye knew that?”
“I kept myself informed of what ye did. Although I kept a physical distance, I wished to know everything.”
She was surprised to hear it. At the same time, it made her feel so much better that when she thought he barely cared, he was, in fact, involved.
When they finished the first cup of drink, he refilled them. If there was something he wished to share with her, Catriona would be patient.
“When will I meet yer family?” she asked in a quiet tone, her fingers fiddling with the edge of her robe’s sleeve. “I hope they will like me.”
When he didn’t answer right away, she looked up to meet his gaze. His face was soft. “They will like ye very much. I believe my eldest half-brother will travel here soon. He wishes to meet Malcolm and get to know this part of the family since I am to be laird here.”
“I will make sure to have everything prepared.”
“Good,” he said, then took another sip of his drink. “There is something I wish to share with ye.”
A shiver ran down her spine. Catriona took a shaky breath. “What is it?”
“My past and the reason I did my best not to love ye.”
She waited as he looked to the fire for a long moment before speaking again. “I caught the woman I married in bed with my own father.” He hesitated briefly when she gasped but did not look at her.
“I beat him half to death. My brothers had to pull me away. It was then he banished me from our lands, and I left. I demanded that our marriage be dissolved but wasn’t sure until I returned if it truly was.”
“What of bairns?”
“My wife had one child, a son, while we were married. He is not mine. I was gone to train in archery with a master for several months. When I returned, it was only a few days later that she claimed to be with child. The boy was born six months after my return. She claimed he was early, but he was well formed and healthy.”
The tone of his voice was flat, without emotion. However, the bitterness in the undertone was very evident to Catriona. “I am so sorry, Ewan. I cannot imagine.”
“To be cuckolded by one’s own father is horrible enough. That he banished me and kept the whore there, living under the same roof as my mother…that, I could never forgive him for.”
“Was she still there?” Catriona asked.
Ewan shook his head. “No. Upon my father becoming ill, my brothers threw her out. However, my father had suspected they would and had a house built for her. He paid for servants and left a large amount for her to live well.”
To Catriona, it sounded like the man had been deeply in love with Ewan’s wife. He’d preferred her to his own wife and son. It was a horrible thing.
“What about yer mother?”
“Honestly, she has fared the best of all of us. I do believe she and Father came to the point of barely tolerating one another long before this all began. They kept different chambers on opposite sides of the keep and rarely spoke to one another.”
“Still, it had to be humiliating,” Catriona said. “I would not have stood for it.”
Ewan’s lips twitched. “Is that so?”
She lifted an eyebrow, meeting his gaze. “If I ever hear of ye consorting with another woman and it is proved to me, I will leave.”
“I am glad that ye made that clear. I will not issue the same warning to ye.”
Was he trying to confuse her? “Why?”
There was a combination of warmth and heat in his eyes. “Because I have no doubts about ye. I know in my heart ye would never be unfaithful.”
Catriona could not stop herself from dropping the cup in her hand and throwing herself into her husband’s arms. Wrapping her arms around him, she inhaled deeply, loving the scent of him, the feel of his solid body against hers.
“I love ye, Ewan, and I stand by my vows to ye. I will never, ever be untrue to ye.”
When his mouth took hers, she let out a sigh of relief. Then she whispered into his ear, “Take me to yer bed, my laird.”
The crash of his own cup to the floor was followed by his scooping her up and stalking to the bed. Catriona giggled when he dropped her on the bed unceremoniously so that he could undress.
She sat up, her legs draped over the side of the bed, and stripped away her own clothing, too anxious to be joined with him to attempt at any kind of modesty.
From his wide shoulders to his well-formed chest, Catriona allowed her gaze to take in every inch of him. His stomach rippled when she looked at it. Then just below a patch of brown hair, his erect manhood made her inhale sharply.
“I want to be gentle,” he said, closing the short distance and lowering above her. “But I am not sure I can be.” His mouth closed over hers before Catriona could say anything.
The kiss was hot, impassioned to the point it took all her breath. Catriona gripped his shoulders and tried to pull him over her, but he resisted.
He lifted her legs. “Wrap them around me,” he instructed.
Catriona watched through a daze as Ewan took himself in hand. The sight fanned the flames of heat that had pooled between her legs and sh
e wanted nothing more than for him to plunge fully in.
His gaze met hers and then with one solid thrust, Ewan filled her completely.
“Oh,” Catriona gasped out. “Oh.”
Thankfully, he began moving, pulling out and then pushing back in a steady rhythm. It was what they needed. A proclamation of their bodies joining in a fashion that left absolutely no doubt about the depth of their feelings for one another.
Once again, Catriona reached for him, but Ewan had other plans for their lovemaking. He shook his head, a wicked smile to his lips. And then, to her utter dismay, he pulled out.
“Move up onto the bed,” he said, helping her settle. Then he climbed onto the bed and studied her for a moment.
His gaze fell on her wet sex and Catriona shifted, too full of want to be patient. “What are ye doing?”
“I want to take ye fully, deeper. Here, put yer legs over my shoulders.”
Despite not being sure what exactly would happen, she did as he instructed when he leaned forward and scooped her bottom off the bedding.
When her legs were over his shoulders, he moved over her effectively bending her practically in half.
When he drove into her, he was indeed deep. Catriona cried out at the satisfaction that ensued.
She pushed up against the headboard to keep from hitting her head when Ewan’s thrusts became more and more energetic. With each thrust, he sent her higher and higher to a place she never would have imagined existed.
Their moans intertwined with the slapping sound of their bodies coming together over and over again. Catriona could not withstand it any longer. She flailed under him as she shattered into pieces, any grips on reality slipping into a fog.
As she fought not to lose herself too fast, Ewan lowered her legs from his shoulders and continued his vigorous movements, his fingers digging into her hips as he fought to find release.
Catriona cried out once again, her body convulsing with a second climax.
Still, he thrust in and out, so fast now, he gasped for air. His large body dripped with sweat as he finally let out a low growl, shuddering in a release so hard that he shook.
A Fierce Archer (Clan Ross Book 6) Page 20
