by D T Dyllin
I busied myself by helping the driver with our bags while Kyle went inside. Two of my best guys were there, Jake and Mikey. They’d made sure my house was fully secure before we’d arrived.
Jake came out to meet me. “Hey, boss.” He smiled, flashing me white teeth in ebony skin. “We did everything like Billy told us. You need anything else before we head out?”
“No,” I said while hefting a particularly heavy suitcase of Kyle’s out of the trunk. “I’m good from here on out. Be on the ready though in case we need back up. Once she’s feelin’ better I know I won’t be able to keep her cooped up here. She’ll want to go out and for that we’ll need extra men.”
“Gotcha.” Jake slapped me on the back and moved towards his jeep. “Mikey should be out in a minute. Kyle was talking to him. Or interrogating is more like it.” I raised my eyebrows. He snickered. “She’s a livewire that one.”
Mikey strolled out the front door a few moments later, smiling while shaking his blond head of tight curls. He met my gaze and laughed. “Good luck, I think you’re going to need it.”
I snorted. “I bet.”
Kyle was nowhere to be seen as the driver and me unloaded everything into the foyer. When finished, I threw him an extra tip as thanks.
“Kyle?” I called, moving hesitantly into my house. “Where you at, darlin’?”
When she didn’t answer I went from room to room…searching. I found her in the den looking at old pictures. I came up behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist and resting my chin on the top of her head. I stayed silent as I let my own gaze roam over some the memories in front of us.
She picked up a silver frame that held the last picture taken of her, Matt and me. We’d been happy then. After a few moments Kyle placed the picture back down on the shelf with a shaky hand. “I miss him so much.” Her voice cracked. “You know I didn’t take any pictures with me…of you…of him. It almost felt like I’d made you all up sometimes. Like I was an orphan out there, with no real place to call home.”
A lump formed in my throat. “You always have me.”
She tensed within my arms. “But that’s just it, isn’t it? I didn’t. I didn’t have you. You let me walk out that door without so much as a sideways glance.” She shirked out from under me and dashed into the other room. I followed her reluctantly, knowing we had to deal with these things, but not being quite ready yet.
She was standing in the middle of the living room, staring at the floor. “Right here. Right here is where I let you rip my heart out.” She laughed darkly. “I half expected to see a stain or something.”
I dipped my head, unable to meet her gaze. “I’m sorry. I thought I was doin’ what was best for you. You were throwin’ it all away. I couldn’t let you do that.”
“It was my choice what I did. You had no right to make decisions for me.”
“You’re right. I didn’t. But I was young n’ stupid. I’d do things differently knowin’ what I do now.”
Kyle’s chest heaved as she sucked in ragged breaths. “What—what would you do differently?”
I went to her then, needing to feel her in my arms. She struggled a moment and then relaxed into me, letting her cheek rest against my chest. “I’d never let you go. Lettin’ you walk out that door is the biggest mistake of my life.”
Her fingers dug into me almost painfully. “So why didn’t you ever come after me. Why didn’t you ever come?” her voice came out barely a whisper.
I tightened my arms around her, not wanting to speak the truth but knowing I had to. “Because, darlin’, I was afraid if I put myself all on the line for you—fuck—I couldn’t take that kind of rejection. Not from you.”
“Rejection? What are you talking about?”
“My leg, the scars. I’ve seen the men you hooked up with after me. I’m not the boy you fell in love with. I’m not whole. I was afraid—I was afraid you’d take one look at me and run away in revulsion.”
Kyle pulled away from me just enough so she could look up into my face, her mouth was hanging slightly open. She started to say something and then stopped. Her nostrils flared. Finally she spoke. “You thought—you thought I’d be repulsed by you physically? Is that what you’re saying? You’re saying you let your insecurities about your body get in the way of us?” Shock slowly morphed into anger as her features hardened with it. “You think I’m that shallow? You think I would have thrown away everything we had together because of a few scars and a missing limb? Fuck!” She turned away from me and tugged at her hair. “It’s not like you lost your dick or something!”
I blinked, hardly believing she’d just said that to me. “It wasn’t just that. I have PTSD. I was worried I’d hurt you in my sleep if I had a flashback. I—”
“Dumbass excuses! All of them! And you didn’t talk to me about any of it! You just pushed me away!” Kyle dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around herself. “We’re the same, Noah. We’re the fucking same and I didn’t even know it.”
I wasn’t sure what she meant so I responded with the only thing I could think of. “I’m sorry. So sorry. You have no idea how much.”
“Come here,” she commanded, still facing away from me on her knees.
When I stood before her she opened her eyes and gazed up the line of my body. “You didn’t lose it, did you?”
“Didn’t lose what?”
She sneered at me. “Your dick? That’s not some dirty secret you kept from me? That you lost it?”
I guffawed. “No, darlin’, I assure you it’s still there. I’m pretty sure you felt it on the plane.”
She quirked one blonde brow. “And it’s still in perfectly good working order?”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Again, I’m pretty sure you know the answer to that from the plane.”
“Mmmm… All right then,” she said as she reached for my zipper.
18
~Kylie
I was tired of it all. Noah and I had obviously been way beyond young and stupid. We’d been complete idiots. The thing was, even with my body dysmorphic disorder, I wouldn’t have pushed Noah away. Not the way he did me. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that he’d let me walk away from us because of PTSD and his damn leg. I mean I knew he had issues with losing his leg. When it’d first happened he got offended if I even suggested he should sit and rest, like he should be Superman or something. He hated it when I tried to take care of him…he’d basically been a gigantic ass, but I’d understood. I would have stayed by his side through all of it…if he’d let me.
If I had known what was really going on I would have refused to let him go. Some part of me believed he’d stopped loving me. I wasn’t a doormat. I wasn’t going to hang around somewhere I wasn’t wanted. As it turned out that wasn’t the case at all. Noah still wanted me; he thought he wasn’t good enough for me. Me. The girl who never thought she was good enough for anyone or anything. We truly were two peas in a pod.
“Kyle, wait. What do you think you’re doin’?” Noah husked as I reached for the zipper on his jeans.
He knew exactly what I was doing. I ignored his protests and even went as far as to slap his hands away from his feeble attempt to stop me. He wanted what I was about to give him, he was just afraid—afraid like I’d been. But no more. My insecurities would never go away, but I could focus on something else instead of them…I’d focus on Noah and easing his insecurities.
Once his pants were undone, I tugged them, along with his briefs, down his powerful thighs. The mass of material pooled around his shoes, completely baring him to me. I couldn’t help but stare at Noah’s prosthetic and the deep gashes that went up what was left of his leg and spread across his abdomen. “Oh, Noah,” I murmured, running my fingertips over his marred flesh gently. No words I could ever utter would heal him, physically or emotionally. What he’d gone through in Iraq was something I could never truly understand. Instead I chose to show him that the scars of his time in hell were something I could deal with, and they d
idn’t make me want or love him any less.
I leaned forward, running my tongue up his inner thigh, tracing one of the nastier looking scars. It was long and jagged, the white skin raised and smooth. It stood out in stark contrast next to his naturally bronzed coloring. I followed that pale line all the way up to his big beautiful cock, which hung directly in front of me, no longer fully hard. I knew why though. Noah was petrified of my reaction to what his body now looked like, he’d said as much. I wrapped my hand around the base of cock and took him as far as I could into my mouth. Noah groaned, fisting my hair, as he surged to life in the dark recesses of my body.
I moved up and down on him slowly at first, twisting with my hand and humming an unknown song softly. Noah’s grip in my hair tightened, his muscles tensing. He abruptly took control of the rhythm, his brutal pace causing me to gag several times. I didn’t care though. I wanted Noah to lose control, to stop thinking. A few heartbeats later, with a grunt and few choice cusswords, Noah pulsed his release into the back of my throat.
After I’d swallowed everything that he’d given me, I let his cock slide out of my mouth as I stared up the line of his body, meeting his azure gaze. It was in that moment I realized what song I’d been humming…his song. The words played briefly through my mind.
…Tears in my eyes reflect bright ‘neath a star bejeweled sky
They’ll disappear when you’re back, until then, life remains so unclear…
“You’re still my Noah, scars and all. I’ll always be here for you.” I was pretty sure I’d never left emotionally even though I’d bailed physically. The song I’d written about him, for him, was true. I’ve been here the whole time, just waiting for him to come back to me. I just wouldn’t admit it to myself. I wanted to pretend that I was strong—that I could stay away from him. The truth was… I needed him in my life. He was my other half. It wasn’t a weakness to love someone with all of your heart—as long as they loved you just as much. Tears welled in my eyes. “Please don’t ever push me away again.”
Noah leaned down and yanked me to my feet. “I love you so fuckin’ much. I promise I won’t ever let you go again.” He wrapped his arms around me and I sobbed into his flannel. “Never fuckin’ again.” His tone was harsh but it soothed.
“Guess I’ve still got it when it comes to giving head, huh?” I joked, sputtering around my tears. “I mean, one blowjob from me and you never want to let me go again. Now why didn’t I think of that years ago? I should have just strapped you down to the bed and went to town.”
“Kyle,” Noah growled a playful warning.
“I guess singing isn’t the only thing my mouth is talented at. I should have known.” I chuckled, wiping at my eyes.
“You’re right, darlin’. You’ve got me in your thrall now. Guess if you wanna keep me you’re just gonna have to get on your knees for me at least twice a day. A man could get used to that.” A deep laugh rumbled through his chest. “Maybe you should—”
“Watch it.” I smacked at his arm without pulling away from him. “Or I may decide to take them away for good.”
“You wouldn’t do that,” Noah husked.
“And why not?”
“Because I’m about to put you under my thrall too.” I squealed as Noah scooped me up, his pants still around his shoes, and hobbled into the bedroom. He tossed me down on the bed and stripped off his clothes until he stood completely naked in front of me for the first time since he’d been injured.
My eyes slid over him in awe. How could Noah ever in a million years think he wasn’t still the most beautiful man I’d ever seen? His new flaws only served to make him seem more rugged, manly. His missing leg, his scars—they didn’t detract from his innate beauty in the tiniest bit. Those things weren’t the only changes I saw in him. He’d grown wider, thicker with muscles. They rippled every time he moved. And yeah, he had a few grey hairs interspersed in the spattering of dark hair across his chest. He’d aged just like I had. The saddest part was that we hadn’t aged together. We’d wasted so much time over stupid shit. We’d let our immaturity tear us apart. But maybe, just maybe we’d grown up enough to handle being together now, the second time around.
I wriggled on the bed, hating that he wasn’t already inside of me. “Noah, why are you just standing there?”
All remnants of doubt evaporated from Noah’s eyes. He grinned at me as he climbed onto the bed. “Don’t sass me, darlin’, or I’ll have to give you a lashin’.”
“If it’s with your tongue I don’t see how it’s going to be punishment.” I giggled. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist.” I couldn’t help my buoyant mood. I hadn’t felt so carefree and optimistic in years. Being with Noah, despite our time apart, was the most natural thing in the world. And I wasn’t just talking about being with him sexually, no. It felt right just being near him. It really was like coming home for me.
“MmmmHmmm…I’m ‘bout to give you something much more productive to do with that smart mouth of yours.”
All humor left me as Noah pinned me to the bed with his large body. I reached up and ran the tip of my forefinger over the small scar on his chin. That one he’d had since he was a boy. I’d always loved it because it reminded me of the one that Han Solo had. I remembered thinking that the first time I’d laid eyes on it. Noah was my very own sexy bad boy with a heart of gold. And I wasn’t ever going to let anything stand in the way of us being together ever again.
19
~Noah
No excuses. It was a mantra I’d repeated to myself more times than I could count over the years. It used to run in an endless loop when I was going through rehab, when I was learning how to walk again. It would play over and over when I started doing strength training, and when I learned to do simple things all over again, like a fucking child. No excuses. Those words had enabled me to build a new life, and pushed me forward on days I would have just given up. Today those two tiny words swept through me as I gazed down at Kyle. My Kyle. No excuses. At least not any more. I’d been full of them, reasons why I had to let her go, reasons why I had to stay away. They’d all been bullshit. I’d been hiding from her, making excuses…tons of them. With Kyle gazing up at me, here in our house, in our bed—I couldn’t think of a single reason why I shouldn’t have her, and keep her. She’s mine.
“You have too many clothes on,” I said as I reached for her. “And I’m fixin’ to remedy that problem.” Kyle abruptly slid off the bed and dashed over to flip the lights off and then resettled herself in the center of the bed. I scowled. I wanted to see her…unless…my gut twisted. “Why’d you turn the lights off?
“Ambiance,” Kyle replied, lightning fast.
“Ambiance my ass. You wanna put a bag over my head too?”
“What?” she squeaked.
“I said, you wanna put a bag over my head too? You know, on account you don’t wanna see the rest of me either.”
“No, no, that’s not what this is about.” Kyle’s voice sounded panicked.
“Then,” I marched over and flipped the lights back on. “Prove it.” I was all in, no more excuses. I was tired of hiding. Either Kyle wanted me all this way or she didn’t. And if she didn’t I wanted to know now before it was too late. As if it isn’t already.
Kyle’s face crumpled. “Noah, please. I thought that’s what I did, in the living room. It’s not about you, I swear.” Her green eyes rounded with sincerity.
“Then what’s it about?” Fuck, I was tired of talking. I wanted to be balls deep inside her, but I sensed what was going on was something I couldn’t just sweep under the rug.
“It’s me. It’s about me. Can’t we just leave it at that?”
I narrowed my eyes at her, wanting to leave it at that, at least until after I came again, this time inside her, but I knew I couldn’t. I needed to make sure she was okay, that she didn’t have some fucked up notions in her head that needed resolving. I wanted to make sure I didn’t accidently do something to make the situation worse because I didn’t u
nderstand it.
Fifteen years ago I would have said to hell with it and lost myself in the pleasure her body had to offer, but that’s how I’d ended up losing her to begin with. I’d been an immature ass. “No. Spill it. What’s wrong?” I stood where I was and crossed my arms over my chest. I tried to ignore my heartbeat pulsing a staccato beat in my dick, urging me to just flip off the lights and to plunge into Kyle’s inviting body, the rest be damned. But I refused to treat Kyle like just another fuck, she was the woman I loved, and she deserved more from me. And she’ll get more from me, dammit.
Kyle drew her legs up to her chest. Her gaze darted around the room, looking everywhere but at me. “I—I don’t want to tell you.”
I groaned. She wasn’t going to make it easy. Of course she never did. My dick protested again. Down boy. “No more secrets between us, remember? You think I wanted to tell you ‘bout my feelings n’ shit? Aren’t we better for it though? You need to talk to me.” And fast before I decided, or rather my nether regions decided for me, that talking was overrated.
“It’s been so long, Noah, since you’ve seen me naked. I’m older. Not like the younger girls you’ve probably been with. I—I—I’m afraid you won’t like what you see.”
My jaw, honest to God, dropped open. Kyle actually thought I wouldn’t like what I saw? If I didn’t know better I would have said she was on something. “I’m gonna say the same thing you said to me, you think I’m that shallow? I love you, Kyle, the rest—”
“Don’t tell me what I look like doesn’t matter at all. Even without your leg and a bunch of scars you’re still the sexiest man I’ve ever laid eyes on. Why you ever wanted me is beyond me. But now—I’m older—I’m not what I used to be. I—I’m ugly.” Tears seemed to just explode from her eyes. “I’m just not good enough for you and I don’t want you to see. You’ll change your mind if you see and I can’t lose you again.” She swiped at her face with the back of her hands. I was frozen in place, not believing what I’d just heard, or knowing how to react to it. “I’m sorry—I’m so sorry. I never wanted you to know I felt this way. I—I have body dysmorphic disorder, I never wanted to tell you that either.” She chuckled darkly. “I don’t know why I did. I don’t want you to know about my dark thoughts. It’s so fucked up—I’m so fucked up. I’m sorr—” A sob escaped her, strangling off her words.
