by Brenda Novak
She offered him a smile. “Thanks for understanding.”
They fell silent, listening to the playlist on Gavin’s phone, which he’d plugged into his stereo system. But even after several minutes, Savanna seemed pensive, so Gavin turned the music low.
“Are you going to be okay tonight? Maybe, with all the stress you’re under, you would rather have stayed at home.” He’d wanted her to come with him, so he’d made the arrangements with his mother and hadn’t really probed whether she felt up for a night out. Maybe he’d assumed too much and she hadn’t spoken up because she didn’t want to disappoint him...
“I’m looking forward to seeing you perform,” she insisted. “It isn’t that. It’s Gordon, like we’ve been talking about.”
“But we’ve been dealing with Gordon all week, and you haven’t seemed quite this troubled.”
“It’s getting closer to Tuesday.” Her chest lifted and fell as she sighed. “But you’re right. That isn’t everything.”
He punched the gas pedal to get around the vehicle in front of them. “So what else is going on?”
“I hate standing in the way of you getting back with Heather if it means you won’t be able to be the father you’ve always wanted to be.”
“Don’t worry about that,” he said. “That’s my problem.”
“It’s my problem, too,” she argued. “We might be able to ignore the situation right now, but what will happen once the baby arrives? Will you be miserable? Regret getting with me?”
“No.”
“But you won’t be able to move to Nashville. Are you sure I’m worth such a sacrifice?”
He lifted her hand to his mouth so he could kiss her knuckles. “I’m more sure of it every day.”
“That’s what you say now. But what if you begin to resent me for what I’ve cost you? I’ve never met anyone like you, Gavin. I don’t want to take more than I have a right to take, don’t want to rob you of anything when you’ve been so kind and generous with me.”
He’d been expecting this subject to come up eventually. They’d been so focused on the more immediate problem of Gordon that they’d barely spoken of Heather. To top it off, Savanna didn’t know much about his background and how that might impact his response to the situation. He’d glossed over the painful details, given her the sanitized version he reserved for new acquaintances. But it would have an impact, make things more difficult for him, and she deserved to understand why.
They should talk about all of that. They had at least an hour yet to drive, so they had time. But just remembering made him sick, and he had to perform tonight. “You’re not taking anything from me I don’t want to give,” he said, and let go of her hand so he could turn the music back up.
* * *
The bar was crowded when they arrived. Savanna knew Gavin was a good singer, but she hadn’t realized that he’d already developed somewhat of a following. She couldn’t help feeling a sense of pride in his ability and accomplishments as she watched him set up onstage. She’d been telling the truth on the drive over. She was concerned about the situation with Heather and how he might feel about his choices later. But it was difficult to let that or anything else bring her down once she got swept up in the excitement and anticipation of those around her. She was with the man she wanted to be with. That made her happy right there, even if it wouldn’t last.
Gavin had made sure she had a front row seat and turned every once in a while to acknowledge her. He’d grin and she’d grin back, and then she’d try to tell herself that somehow they’d overcome everything they were up against. She’d never met anyone like him, anyone who remained so peaceful and calm and measured in his reactions. That brought peace and calm into her life, too. She was falling in love—the head over heels variety that made her feel dizzy and breathless and too warm every time she thought of him—which was why she was worried. She’d just been through a shocking ordeal, and it wasn’t over yet. She couldn’t imagine coping with a painful breakup on top of everything else.
But the moment Gavin started his set, she was able to forget her fears and simply enjoy the performance. Like so many of the other women there, she was mesmerized by his voice, the convincing emotion he put into each song and his personal charisma.
She was having such a great time that when she went to the bathroom an hour later, she wasn’t even thinking about Gordon or Heather or any of the potential pitfalls she and Gavin faced. She was looking forward to hurrying back to her seat, ordering another drink and listening to some more songs when someone grabbed hold of her upper arm.
She turned and found Heather, dressed in what looked like a sheer black bra and miniskirt, pushing to get past the last two people separating them in the narrow, crowded hallway. “Heather!” she cried. “What are you doing here?”
“What am I doing here? I could ask you the same,” she retorted. “What kind of person tries to move in on another woman’s man when that woman is expecting a baby?”
Several of those who were jostling to get into the bathroom whipped their heads around to see who was talking. “Whoa!” Savanna heard one woman say to her friend. “There’s gonna be a fight in here tonight!”
Hoping to avoid any more of a scene, Savanna lowered her voice. “I haven’t done anything to ‘steal’ your man. I’m sorry for your situation. It must be frightening. But Gavin hasn’t been with you since I’ve known him. I couldn’t take what you no longer had.”
“You’re kidding yourself if you really believe that. You’re the only thing standing between us. He’d marry me if not for you. Do you really want to be responsible for his child going without a father?”
“He’ll be there for his child—without a doubt.”
“It’s not the same, and you know it.”
Conscious of the stares of those around them, Savanna cleared her throat. “Heather, don’t start something. This isn’t between us. This is between you and Gavin. You need to talk to him.”
“No, I need to talk to you.” She seemed oblivious to the attention she was drawing. “You’re the clueless one. Do you even know anything about him? Do you know what his childhood was like? How badly he hates his father for allowing his stepmother to abandon him when he was only six? That’s right,” she added, smirking when she accurately read Savanna’s surprise. “She left him at a park. The authorities eventually brought him home, but the next week she beat him so badly social services got involved and took him away. After that, he went into foster care and lived with a weird family who didn’t give him any love.”
Savanna’s heart broke for Gavin. “That’s tragic.”
“So tragic that if you think his past isn’t going to come into play once I have this baby, you’re sadly mistaken. He’ll change his mind, decide to be the kind of hands-on father he’s always promised himself he would be. Do you understand? Then you’ll only be in the way.”
Savanna might’ve argued. Gavin seemed to know his own mind. She didn’t feel she had to make decisions for him. But he hadn’t revealed any of that about his stepmother or his foster situation. As a matter of fact, he’d made his childhood sound only a trifle more difficult than most everyone else’s. He hadn’t “gotten along” with his stepmother so he’d “acted out” and been sent to New Horizons. That was how he’d presented it to her. Aiyana had adopted him because he’d been so much happier there with her.
But being abandoned put what he’d experienced on a whole new level. He had to bear deep scars, just as Gordon did. Savanna didn’t think Gavin would ever react the same way, by physically harming others, but if Gavin carried that much pain, it could manifest itself at any time and change all kinds of things.
“Why didn’t he tell me?” She was mostly speaking to herself, but Heather was only too happy to supply the answer.
“Why would he? The only people he tells are the ones he trusts. Th
at’s how you can determine how he really feels about you. What he has with you? It won’t last.”
Suddenly struggling to draw a full breath in the overheated, overcrowded, cologne-and perfume-drenched hallway, Savanna broke Heather’s hold on her arm. “Get out of my face.” Because she didn’t want to get trapped in the bathroom with Gavin’s ex, she jumped out of line. But she couldn’t bring herself to go back into the main area, where Gavin was performing. She wished she could leave, but she didn’t have a car and was an hour from home, so she simply went outside, where she could breathe more freely.
Fortunately, Heather didn’t follow her. She seemed to be satisfied to have upset her.
“Damn it,” Savanna muttered. It was too soon to get involved with someone. For all she knew, Gordon would get out of jail and raise hell—or Heather would have the baby and draw Gavin back via guilt, obligation, the desire to be a good father or all three.
26
When Savanna didn’t return to her seat, Gavin grew worried about her. He took a break earlier than usual in his set so he could look for her and finally found her sitting on a bench out front. “What are you doing here?” he asked.
She glanced up. “Aren’t you supposed to be singing?”
“I’m on break.” He sat down next to her. “Don’t you like the show?”
She sent him a sideways glance. “I did until a few minutes ago.”
“What does that mean?” He looked truly confused.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
His stomach muscles tightened at the accusation and hurt in her voice. “About...”
“Your stepmother. Did she really abandon you at a park?”
Only a few hours ago, when they were driving to the bar, she’d been completely unaware. “Who told you?”
“You haven’t seen Heather tonight?”
He stiffened. “No...”
“She’s here. Or maybe she left. I haven’t been keeping an eye on the door. I’ve been trying to think, to decide if I’m racing toward a brick wall by falling in love with you.”
Gavin couldn’t help looking around in case he could spot his ex-girlfriend. Small clumps of people stood outside to talk or smoke, but she didn’t seem to be among them. That she’d shown up at his gig and upset Savanna made him angry, and yet he wasn’t all that surprised. He was more surprised that he hadn’t heard from her the past several days. He’d texted her on Wednesday to see how she was feeling and to tell her he’d be willing to go to her doctor appointments with her, if she needed the company, but she hadn’t responded. He suspected she was purposely holding out, hoping he’d stop over. He probably would have, to prove he’d be supportive even if they weren’t together, but he’d been loath to walk into an emotional ambush, and he was pretty sure that was what she had waiting for him.
“Savanna, I would’ve told you eventually,” he said. “But I don’t discuss my past often. I try not to let what happened impact the present.”
“How could a past like that not impact the present?” she asked.
“My life is different now. Thanks to Aiyana and Eli and most of my other brothers, I’m whole and happy. I refuse to let what I went through as a child damage my ability to find peace and joy in my existence.”
“Is that a decision you—or anyone else—can make?”
“It’s more of a process than a decision,” he admitted. “But I’ve been wrestling with my demons for years, and I believe I’m winning the battle.”
“Heather told me that you’ll go back to her once she has the baby. That you won’t be able to do anything else. And the more I get to know you, the more I understand who you are, I could see you making that decision. So...I’m not sure I can come out of this in one piece, no matter how supportive I am of your relationship with the baby.”
“I already tried to start over with Heather for the sake of the baby, remember? But it didn’t go anywhere, couldn’t even get off the ground, because it was too late.”
“In what way?” she asked. “The baby isn’t even born yet.”
He stared at her for several seconds. He’d been asking himself that same question over and over. Why hadn’t he been able to fulfill the duty he felt? And he always came back to the same answer. “I’d met you and was already falling in love.”
Her lips parted and her eyes widened. “That fast?”
“I think it happened the day I met you and you told me you were going to become a lesbian,” he said with a laugh. “So what do you think? We’re both going through some crazy shit. But if I hand over my heart, will you be willing to trust me with yours?”
She broke into a slightly begrudging smile. “I guess I’ve been sitting out here for nothing, because I don’t really have any choice.”
“You do have a choice.”
“No, because I’m already in love with you.”
The tension and anxiety inside him instantly eased. “I’ve made the right decision, Savanna. You’re a beautiful person, nothing like my stepmother was. That’s what will make the difference. If Heather is carrying my baby, we’ll both be good to him or her.”
“Of course we will,” she said.
He loved her earnestness, her transparency, her lack of guile. Those were the things that set her apart from everyone else, he decided, including Heather.
He pulled his phone from his pocket and let her watch as he typed a message. I’m sorry, Heather. I won’t be coming back to you. Ever. If the baby’s mine, I’ll do everything I can to support him or her and to be kind and sensitive to you as my child’s mother. But I’m in love with Savanna, and I think you need to know it.
Savanna looked up at him in surprise. “Are you really going to send that?”
He hit the button. “It’s done. Now I have to get back and finish playing. Come in with me and quit worrying. Somehow, we’ll beat the odds,” he said, and hoped to God he was right as he led her inside.
* * *
The blowback from that text to Heather turned out to be pretty severe. Gavin glanced through several hateful replies as soon as he finished performing.
I’m never going to let you see this baby! You have screwed yourself for good!
I’m going to marry Scott, and we’re going to move away. You’ll have no idea where we went.
I’ll never forgive you for this, you selfish bastard!
There were other messages, too, but they didn’t make as much sense. He began to suspect she’d been drinking, which was, of course, not good for someone in her condition.
Where are you? he texted back.
Wouldn’t you like to know.
He had to make sure she wasn’t a danger to herself or anyone else.
Don’t do anything you might regret later, he wrote. Whether you try to make things difficult for me or not, I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you. That was never my intent.
Fuck you, came her response.
He scratched his neck while trying to decide what to do. Did you drive here?
No answer.
Heather? You need to call a cab.
I don’t need a cab. I found a club with far better entertainment and will be going home with a handsome lawyer who’s just dying to get in my pants.
“What is it?”
Startled by the interruption, Gavin turned to see Savanna coming up behind him. She’d been talking to some of the people who’d been sitting near her table while he packed up. “Nothing, why?”
“You seem upset.”
He nearly shoved his phone into his pocket. He didn’t want her to have to deal with every little problem that came his way, especially if that problem involved Heather. But he knew she’d eventually ask him if Heather had responded, that he’d have to tell her, so he lifted his phone to let her see for herself. “Heather’s freaking out.”
She scrolled through the messages before handing his phone back. “What are you going to do?”
“She’s an adult. There’s nothing I can do.” Fearing he’d face the same frustration, only tenfold, once the baby was born, he prayed the child wasn’t his. “Let’s get out of here.”
After they drove in silence for a few minutes, Savanna reached over to touch his arm. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. We knew it wouldn’t be easy.”
“She might settle down once she adjusts to the idea that she’s not going to get you back.”
“It’s possible.”
She seemed surprised when he didn’t turn in the direction they’d come. “Where are we going?”
“To the ocean.”
“What for?”
“I thought it might be nice to walk on the beach and talk.”
“About Heather? Or Gordon?”
“Neither,” he said. “I’d rather you hear about my childhood from me over anyone else.”
She rested her head on his shoulder. “I’m ready.”
* * *
When Gavin parked in a small neighborhood somewhere south of Santa Barbara and guided her down a narrow road that ended in a set of wooden stairs leading to the beach, Savanna couldn’t help feeling some trepidation about what she was about to learn. Heather had alluded to a past that was far more tragic than Savanna had expected. Savanna hated the idea that Gavin had suffered, but she was encouraged he was willing to trust her enough to tell her what happened. Having that level of intimacy and understanding would be important if they were to build the kind of relationship that could endure what lay ahead.
The wind whipped at their hair, carrying the briny scent of the sea—a scent that took her back to her childhood in Long Beach. She’d missed the coast far more than she’d realized, felt so happy to be in this place, especially while holding Gavin’s hand.
They were alone as they ambled along the damp sand at the edge of the surf, listening to the powerful and awe-inspiring roar of the waves rising up and crashing against rocks and land not far away. They had only a full moon to provide light, so they couldn’t tell if the dark spots on the beach were rocks, seaweed or crabs—unless the crabs scuttled away to get out from underfoot—but Savanna wasn’t uneasy. She felt more calm and confident than she had in a long while. Gavin had told her he was falling in love with her, and she was falling in love with him, too. Maybe their feelings were new and untried, but she believed they’d grow instead of diminish. Despite all the things working against them, whenever she was with him, it felt right.
