Phee willed the thoughts away, not wanting to ruin whatever time they did have with Dad.
It had been fun to give him the tour of their property this evening. Of course, he’d seen the land, with Quinn, before they bought it, but he’d been appropriately impressed with even the little they’d done to improve the place.
The roofers were still working and had greeted Dad with surprise. They weren’t all employees of Langhorne Construction, but Phee gathered that most of them had worked on one of Dad’s crews at one time or another. Dad joked with them, and they promised him both cabins would have new roofs by noon on Wednesday, as long as the weather held.
She’d forgotten how much Dad’s workers seemed to respect and admire him. It made her feel proud to be his daughter.
The thought brought her up short, and she wondered if, for the rest of her life, she would have to amend every thought, reminding herself she likely was not his daughter by birth. It shouldn’t matter, but for some reason, tonight it felt like it mattered a lot.
The girls all grabbed comfy spots on the sofa and chairs gathered around the fireplace. Dad poked at the kindling and rearranged the logs until he was satisfied with the flames. Finally, he took a seat in one of the teal chairs that had been in Mom’s sitting room at the house.
Joanna leaned forward in her corner of the sofa. “So what did you want to talk to us about, Dad?”
Phee flinched. Why did Jo have to turn every gathering into a tribunal? Couldn’t they just enjoy having their dad back for an hour before they had to have a proceeding? Or a “family meeting,” as Dad had started calling it whenever there was a difficult decision to be made about Mom’s care. It seemed like their lives had been relegated to one big family meeting over the last three years.
But Dad didn’t flinch. He leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. “I guess we may as well get it over with.”
Britt bit her bottom lip and coiled a strand of hair around her finger. Phee knew how she felt.
They waited while Dad took several deep breaths and repositioned himself in the chair. Phee didn’t remember ever seeing him look so uncomfortable. Or nervous.
But when Dad finally spoke, his voice didn’t waver. “First of all, I owe all three of you an apology. I hope you’ll believe me when I tell you that I had the best of intentions. But then you all know what the road to hell is paved with.” He gave a little chuckle.
But Phee and her sisters sat silent.
“My intention—originally anyway—was to spare you girls having to witness my grief. I thought I was handling losing your mom pretty well. But the truth is … I sort of fell apart. It wasn’t a pretty picture, and I didn’t want you to have to see me like that.”
“Fell apart? What do you mean by that, Daddy?” Britt twisted the coil of hair tighter.
“It’s hard to define, sweetheart. Maybe the best way to say it is that I had a crisis of faith. For so long, right up to the end, I was secretly convinced—as sure as I’ve ever been about anything in my life—that your mom was going to beat this thing. I know what the doctors said. And I know you girls were being more realistic about it than I was. But she survived so much longer than they said she would, and I just knew that she’d amaze all the doctors and be miraculously healed …” He bent his head, his voice showing the first signs of emotion. “I wanted it so bad. I thought I knew it in my bones—that God had promised it. That He owed me, even. When it didn’t happen, I was just mad. Mad at everybody and everything. Mad at God. Even mad at you girls.”
Phee knew her own eyes had gone as wide as her sisters’ at Dad’s confession.
He gave a sad smile. “Don’t worry. You didn’t do a thing wrong. Not one of you. In fact, you girls were all that kept me going during those days. My anger wasn’t rational or right. It didn’t even make sense. But I couldn’t seem to control how I felt. I felt as if God had betrayed me. Betrayed our whole family. And betrayed your sweet mom, above all.”
“But, Dad. Why didn’t you tell us?” Joanna’s voice remained steady. “We would have understood.”
“I couldn’t, honey. I wasn’t thinking straight. It was almost like I was under the influence of some crazy drug. My counselor says grief is kind of like a drug.”
Phee and her sisters exchanged surreptitious glances. They hadn’t known Dad was seeing a counselor.
Dad didn’t seem to notice their surprised expressions. “I look back now, and I realize how irrational my thinking was. But then, I just wanted everything to be fixed. To go back to the way it was before cancer entered our lives. When … when I realized that nothing would ever be the same, I flipped out a little.”
Phee and her sisters waited, none of them daring to interrupt. Phee couldn’t remember Dad ever being so vulnerable with them. She couldn’t decide how she felt about it.
“I was at least rational enough to know that I didn’t want you girls to have to deal with my … crisis, so I asked the head office if I could work in Florida for a while.”
“So … Florida really was about work?” Phee fought to not jump to conclusions.
Dad closed his eyes. “It was partly about work. But—” He opened his eyes and looked at each one of them in turn. “I need to explain about Karleen.”
Chapter 33
Dad rose from his chair and put another log on the fire. He sat back down heavily, sighing for the tenth time. “Karleen was part of my reason for going to Florida. A pretty big part, I guess. If I’m honest.”
“Are you back together with her?” Britt squeaked.
“No, honey. I can’t say for sure, but I doubt we ever will be.”
“When did things … start with you two?” Phee had to know.
He hesitated. “Karleen kind of played counselor from the beginning. For Mom and for me. But then after Mom passed away, she really helped me begin to process everything. She lost her husband just two years ago, and she understood what I was feeling, offered a listening ear. We grew very close and one thing led to another and then—” He stopped and looked up at Phee, as if a realization had just hit him. “You didn’t think there was ever anything going on between us before Mom died, did you?”
Her face must have told the truth, because Dad gave a low moan. “Girls … Oh, my girls, I would never have done that to your mom. Surely you know that …”
“We didn’t know, Dad. We didn’t know anything.” The words poured out of Phee, and she couldn’t seem to stop them. “You were acting so weird, and it seemed like you were so eager to get away from us. Then the next thing we know, you’re engaged. What were we supposed to think?”
“Phee, I am so sorry if I ever made you fear for one minute that I wasn’t totally devoted to Mom. Until the very last minute of her life. I know things happened quickly with Karleen. Too quickly. I should have reassured you. It just never crossed my mind that you would believe something like that of me.” He held up a hand, as if anticipating that they’d interrupt. “In hindsight, I understand why you might have. Especially after you found the photograph and Mom’s … other ring.”
Phee looked from Joanna to Britt. After supper, she and Dad had filled her sisters in briefly about the new details Dad had revealed concerning Mom’s first marriage, but she still hadn’t had a chance to talk with Jo and Britt privately about the possibility that Dad wasn’t Phee’s birth father. She knew that would rock her sisters’ worlds. And she wanted time to process things herself before adding her sisters’ emotions to the mix.
She wasn’t sure she could even explain to them how she felt, but she did know that Dad’s words just now offered immense relief.
“Let me say again, girls … I was never disloyal to your mother a day in my life. But … I made a mistake in becoming so close to Karleen. Even though we never did anything …inappropriate, I shouldn’t have allowed myself to become so close to her, either before or after Mom’s death. But I was drawn to her because she knew Mom and loved her. She understood what I’d lost. And she knew who I’d lost.�
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“We did too, Dad.” Phee swallowed back tears.
“Of course you did, honey. But Karleen … being a widow herself, she understood that part of it. And she helped me feel like Mom was still … close. Karleen listened without judging my wavering faith. I could tell her things I couldn’t tell anyone else. Not even my beautiful daughters.”
He offered a wan smile, then swallowed hard. “It was a mistake, but … well, one thing led to another, and I got confused and off track. I hurt you all—and maybe Karleen most of all—in the process. She put her job at risk to come back to Florida to be with me. She’s a lovely woman, and I’m grateful for her help, but the truth is, I was—I am—still in love with your mother. It’s going to take some time.” He shook his head, emotion thick in his voice.
Phee let the tears come and found surprising comfort in sitting here weeping with her sisters and with Dad.
After a few minutes, Dad chuckled softly and went for a box of tissues. “We’re going to keep the tissue companies in business.” He passed the box to each of them, then waited for them to dry their eyes before he went on.
“I won’t bore you with the details. There’s nothing to be gained by that. But the bottom line is that Karleen and I both realized we’d made a mistake. She is back here in Cape for a while—” He looked between Joanna and Britt. “Phee probably told you Karleen came in to the flower shop. Anyway, I think as long as she’s here, it’s best for me to continue working in Florida.”
“But Daddy—” Britt’s eyes pled with him.
Again, he held up a hand. “It’s just for a while, baby girl. Karleen’s job moves her around quite a bit, and by the time she’s settled somewhere else, I’ll probably get transferred back to Langhorne.” He flashed a sheepish grin that took them all in. “Don’t think you can get rid of your old man so easily.”
A chorus of feminine murmurs went up—mostly of relief and affirmation that they wanted Dad home in Langhorne as soon as possible—and a new round of tears flowed.
Dad looked relieved too. And Phee hoped the worst of his confessions were over.
He got up to tend the fire again, then sat on the raised hearth and steepled his hands, elbows on his knees. “I don’t want to give you girls any false hope. I’ll still need to sell the house.”
“Couldn’t you rent it out or something … until you’re ready to come back?”
Phee could almost see Joanna’s legal mind sorting the options.
“It’s not just financial, honey. There are just too many memories there. Good ones, of course. But a few hard, sad years were spent in that house too. I need to make a new start.”
Phee guessed that the disappointed expressions on her sisters’ faces mirrored her own.
“But Dad …” Joanna’s brow furrowed. “Is it good for you to be there, in Florida, all alone?”
“I’m not alone, honey. That’s one thing I know for certain. God has been with me every step of the way. Even when I couldn’t feel Him there. And I know He’s with each of you girls too. I’ve been going to a good church in Tampa, and”—he bit his lip—“I’m getting some counseling, from one of the pastors at the church, actually. I’m doing fine. It’s going to take some time, but I’ll be fine.”
“So you’re still selling the house?” Britt looked near tears.
“I have to, honey. For lots of reasons. Besides, I don’t need to be rattling around in a house that big. But don’t you worry, I’ll find an apartment when … if the time comes to move back. Meanwhile, I’ll come visit now and again. I promise. And when I am in town, maybe I can just book an Airbnb reservation.” He winked. “I happen to know of a really cute one on the edge of town that’s just about to open.”
Phee carried her lunch to the screened porch, grateful Mary had let her leave work early since the roofers had promised to finish around noon. She watched the crew gather up stray shingles and nails and pack their gear into the two trucks. She trained her gaze on the lane, willing Quinn’s vehicle to round the curve. She’d spoken with him briefly this morning when he’d come to check on the roofers.
Things had been cordial between them—even friendly, the way they’d been Monday morning—but she could tell he felt the same sense of unfinished business that she did.
The foreman of the roofing crew was headed toward the cottage, and Phee stepped off the porch stairs to greet him. “All finished?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“It looks really good. Thanks, Rick.”
Rick tipped his baseball cap. “Our pleasure. Those roofs ought to last you for a long time to come.”
“That’s good to know.”
“Anything else we can do for you before we head back to town?” He dusted the knees of his jeans with his cap.
“I don’t think so.” She craned her neck and looked up the lane again. “I was hoping Quinn would come by before you were finished. He knows a lot more about what to look for than I do.”
Rick shot her a crooked smile. “Don’t worry, ma’am, he’ll keep us honest. If he doesn’t make it before we leave, just tell him to give me a call if he sees any problems. We’ll get right out and take care of it.”
“Well, they look good. I doubt there are any problems. I’d just feel better if Quinn—”
The roar of an engine made them both turn.
Rick chuckled. “Speak of the devil.”
Quinn parked the company vehicle and climbed out. He waved at them, which prompted Rick to jog across the lane to talk to him.
Phee retreated to the screened porch, watching them, loving the timbre of Quinn’s voice as he discussed the project with the foreman. She couldn’t make out everything they were saying, but there was a lot of laughter and kidding around, and she got the impression that Quinn was satisfied with the job the crew had done.
Though dressed for the office, Quinn donned work gloves and helped the crew finish cleaning up. As they drove away, he followed along, walking a ways down the lane. As he headed toward his truck, Phee was afraid he was going to leave without coming to talk to her, but after tossing his gloves into the vehicle, he turned and walked toward the cottage.
Phee stepped onto the outer porch and waved.
The smile he gave her held something she couldn’t quite define. Even so, that smile made her insides do funny things.
He crossed the lane but stopped at the bottom of the steps. He looked up at her, concern in his eyes. “Are you okay? A little bird told me you got to talk to your dad.”
“In person. Did you know he was here?”
“I suspected he was on his way.”
“Well, whatever you did to get him back here—” She choked up unexpectedly and swallowed hard, composing herself. “Thank you.”
“Does that mean your talk with him went well?”
“He told me some … Well, you know what he told me. I can’t say I was surprised.” And yet, she still felt a little stunned at the suspicions Dad hadn’t been able to deny—the very things she’d feared.
Quinn studied her. “Do you have some time to talk?”
She nodded. “Do you want to come in?”
He shook his head. “Could we sit out here?”
Remembering their conversation about how Dad would never be alone with another woman, she led the way to the lawn chairs on the open porch. “Do you want something to drink?”
He waved her offer away. “I’m good.”
She sat down.
Quinn chose a chair beside hers, angling it so they were almost facing each other. “Could you—in a nutshell—tell me what your dad told you? Just so I don’t stick my foot in my mouth again?”
She began at the beginning, surprised that rehashing Dad’s confession to Quinn wasn’t more emotional for her. She was thankful. The last thing she wanted was to sit here and blubber like a baby in front of him. “That’s pretty much it. Is … is Dad still holding out on me?”
“If he is, he’s holding out on me too. Not that he owes me anything,” he
added quickly. “So, are you willing to talk to me now? Or … do you need some time? To process everything.”
“No, I’d love to get this over with.” She grinned, but saw too late that he took her comment wrong. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”
He cocked his head. “Then how do you mean it?”
“Honestly, Quinn?”
“Of course.”
“I’ve hated this wall between you and me. I’m glad we can talk about everything now.” She regarded him. “Even that certain topic you tried to bring up Sunday night.”
He reached and touched her arm briefly. Testing, she thought. She leaned toward him, overcome by a yearning for him that grew undeniably deeper each day.
“I don’t want to rush you, Phylicia.”
“Can I talk to you about some things with my dad first? As a friend?”
He grinned. “Ah, so we’re back to just being friends now?”
“I hope we’ll always be friends. Best friends. But more on that later.” She offered him her best smile.
“So, tell me how you’re feeling about everything with your dad. Are you going to try to find out if he is your birth father … with testing or whatever?”
“I don’t know. Part of me feels like I need to. I’ve talked some about it with my sisters, but I’m just not sure what purpose it would serve.” A gust of wind blew through the porch. Shivering, she pulled her legs up into the chair and hugged her knees. “Dad agreed to do DNA testing if I wanted, but part of me is terrified of what I might discover.”
“Let’s just say you do find out that your dad isn’t your biological father. Does that make him any less of a good father to you? Does that negate all the times he sat up with you in the middle of the night when you were sick? Does that undo him teaching you how to ride a bike? Or him helping you with your algebra?”
Reason to Breathe Page 26
