by Brianna West
What a hell of a mess I’d landed myself in.
Thumping my head onto the tile of the shower wall, I internally cursed my damn luck. Worst of it all, I wasn’t even the slightest bit upset that I’d been pinned to a door and kissed until my knees were quite literally weak. I should’ve been. Lord knows that if it’d been Conall, his head would be six inches into concrete and there’d be the fires of hell burning in my eyes.
Why couldn’t I imagine invoking the same sort of wrath where Aidan was concerned? Anytime I thought of Aidan, there was the oddest sensation in my belly. It wasn’t something I could accurately describe, because being around the other Guardian put me at ease even when my heart was racing.
Why had I kissed him?
“Ugh.” My head hit the tile again with a soft thump.
Aidan had been kind to me. Throughout everything, despite brash words, he’d continued to offer me a supportive hand. If I were honest, he was probably the biggest reason I came back. I’d never met anyone who cared for me quite like him and I knew with him at my side I could tackle these mixed feelings I had towards the pair of Guardians. Without his support, I might’ve continued to run from myself.
I let the water drown my face, the confusion I felt settling into my throat and chest. Without understanding anything myself, how was I supposed to face Aidan? I’d kissed him, but why? A kiss could ruin everything. It could take away the relationship we had up to this point, and to risk it all was something I wasn’t sure I could do.
Not unless…
“Damn it all.”
Exhaling loudly, I turned and wiped the water from my eyes, then finished washing my body with the soap that smelt like the man currently making my head spin. I towel-dried my wet body and stepped out of the shower, eyes wandering aimlessly. There was a fluttering sensation inside my stomach as I looked at the door, where I heard the faint heartbeat of the man putting my emotions into chaos only a few rooms away.
The fluttering intensified as words circled inside my head with the likely reason I was so conflicted; the reason I wanted to kiss Aidan. There was only one real explanation that fit, and I wasn’t sure if I had enough courage to face it.
I dressed quickly, smoothing down the silk fabric over my chest and fitting the belt and gun to my waist. I styled my hair with trembling fingers and made sure my appearance was its usual level of pristine before I stepped out of the bathroom and traveled down the hallway.
When I reached the living room, Aidan had a few plates piled with food and a couple cups of coffee set onto a narrow table in front of the worn couch in the room. He fidgeted with the placement of the forks before looking over his shoulder. Standing abruptly, Aidan nearly took out the coffee table in his haste.
Staring at me, he pointed to the food. “I cooked.”
My lips twitched slightly as I watched him fumble, rounding the couch and coming over to me. “That was kind of you.”
Aidan’s mouth opened before he cleared his throat and lifted his chin. “It’ll probably taste like absolute shite.” He smiled slightly before leading me over to the couch. “But the coffee’s good…somewhat.” He scratched his head, looking down at the cup he’d fixed for me. “Well, coffee’s coffee, yeah?”
The words inside of me strengthened. There was no question in my mind of what I felt for him. The emotions were burning in my chest and putting my thoughts into turmoil. I liked Aidan. I wanted more than friendship. After saying it to myself, I finally understood why I’d kissed him. I wanted to be with him. Without knowing when or how it had happened, I’d fallen for him.
What a damn mess.
“Thank you.” I chuckled before taking the plate and holding it on my lap. “There’s a lot of…meat.”
Aidan grunted, his eyes sparkling happily as he dug into his meal. “Men don’t need vegetables. We’re carnivores.”
Smiling, I took a bite and hummed my appreciation. It was nowhere near Laura’s cooking, but it wasn’t bad either. Knowing that he’d done it for me, I could even say the taste was better because it was made by someone I felt so strongly for.
When I noticed that Aidan was staring, I lifted my fork and took another bite before smiling kindly. “It’s delicious.”
“Are you taking the piss?” Aidan asked, clearly not expecting I’d tell him the truth. “Won’t hurt my feelings if you say it’s shite.”
Chuckling to myself, I took another bite. Aidan watched me closely, his obvious disbelief causing me to smirk mischievously.
“Should I lie then and say it tastes bad?”
“Cheeky.”
Aidan’s smile was so radiant that I worried I might actually be blinded by it. My heart couldn’t take much more of this. Especially as Aidan continued to grin while forking some of the food from his plate and stuffing it into his mouth.
It was downright adorable.
When we were alone, Aidan was remarkably animated. His normal face never seemed to express much emotion and, because he very rarely expressed himself in public, seeing him smile and joke intimately with me made it feel more special.
Made me feel more special.
Oh Lord, I was too far gone. When had I become so enamored with him? It had only been a short while since the two of us had been acquainted. Even with Lucas, I wasn’t fond of him from the beginning.
The hard-to-understand vampire-angel leader was one of the first people who had shown any sort of trust and compassion towards me. Our first meeting was strictly professional and, for years, I hadn’t seen him as anything more than an extremely dedicated team leader and boss. However, admiration slowly turned into affection, which gradually became a secret, pining love.
With Lucas, I’d never intended to act on it. My love for him was a slow-burn—so deeply felt that sometimes it was more comfortable to acknowledge it would only ever be just that, an unrequited love. Lucas had been sort of allergic to love. His belief on love was that it was a curse that led good men and women astray.
Not that I could deny that some of that might be true. A person like myself was doomed to pining and very little returned affection just because of the nature of who I harbored affections for. That was why it was easy to reconcile myself to be forever pining after him. Knowing that he would likely never fall in love helped settle my heart some. Because, like myself, he’d been married to the job, and happily so.
But then one day, it all changed.
Lucas met someone. It wasn’t apparent at first that the two would become that way but, when they had, there wasn’t anything or anyone that could intervene. Not that I’d ever considered coming between the two. Turns out, she became just as dear to me as Lucas was. As much as I wanted to dislike her, I couldn’t. And she had made Lucas happy. She was the reason that his beliefs about love changed.
If I were a lesser person, I would’ve wished for their unhappiness, but I didn’t. Seeing someone that I loved fall in love with another person was excruciating, but it was because I loved him that I wanted that happiness for him. Whether or not it was found with me.
Now, I was pining again. Falling for someone again. Lost to the never-ending current of emotional attachment, and I didn’t know what I could do to stop it.
Should I stop it? Could I stop it? Should I just run away again? Those were only a few of the many questions I asked myself as Aidan cleaned his plate and settled back into the couch, patting down his belly with satisfaction.
“Oi,” he called out when I’d frozen mid-bite in contemplation.
I startled out of my trance and looked over at him, somewhat frustrated that I’d been led astray by my thoughts again. “What happened tonight?”
Aidan’s confusion was evident as he straightened slightly and peered into my face. “Tonight?”
“When I was unconscious,” I elaborated with a slight sigh, still unable to completely forgive my mistake.
Aidan huffed, reclining back into the couch and resting his huge, muscled arm on the back of it. “Honestly? I don’t really remem
ber much myself. It was a mad scramble just to get to you, and then get the bloody hell out of there.”
“Was it the Dark angel who attacked us?”
Aidan wiped down his face with the palm of his large hand, cradling his jaw as his eyes wandered away from mine. “Not exactly.”
Intrigued, I set my plate down and focused all of my attention on him. “Who then?”
Aidan seemed to be struggling as he fidgeted in his seat and fingered his hair with agitation. “It’s late. We should rest a bit, yeah? I can tell you everything in the morning.”
His evasive response only made me more interested to know who had attacked us. I could remember their eyes, but not much more than that. Unable to let the topic rest, I persisted.
“Who was it, Aidan?”
Aidan exhaled a small, humorless laugh. “You really don’t know when to let up.” I silently berated him with my stare, which had him sighing again. “It was that bloody blonde tosser of yours.”
Swallowing around the lump forming inside my throat, I hardened my expression and touched the gun strapped to my hip. “Niko, you mean?”
“Yeah, him.”
“He attacked us…” I reiterated, hearing my words as if they’d been said by another.
Aidan looked away, scratching anxiously at his face. “Well, that’s just it, yeah? He seemed rather…surprised when you hit the wall and passed out.”
I stared at Aidan, quietly digesting his words. “How do you mean?”
“It was almost as if he hadn’t meant to do it.” Aidan glanced over at me, his own expression confused. “He completely froze like a bloody twit when you slumped down, and that’s when I grabbed you and took off.”
Niko hadn’t meant to hurt me? That didn’t make sense. Why attack and then be surprised when that attack hurt someone? More questions than answers swirled inside my head as I quieted and thought over what Aidan had imparted to me.
The couch dipped slightly as Aidan scooted closer, watching me as I contemplated what Niko’s actions could mean. No matter how I spun it in my head, those weren’t the actions of someone who was too far gone. Maybe there was still hope for Niko.
“What are you thinking about in that head of yours?” Aidan asked when I’d been silent for several minutes.
Lifting my eyes to him, I smiled dismissively. “Nothing much. I think you’re right. It’s probably time I hit the hay.”
I started to stand, but Aidan quickly captured my arm and dragged me back down to my seat. “There’s something bothering you, yeah? I might not know you well enough to offer, but I’ve been told I’m a bloody good listener.”
I was truly touched by his offer, but I worried about what might come out of my mouth if I let him act as a temporary confidant. I still wasn’t sure how I wanted to deal with these feelings I had for him, or if I even wanted to deal with them at all. There were too many potential mistakes that could be made if I acted too soon—spoke too soon. I couldn’t help but wonder if what I felt for him was because he’d been there for me when I was at my most vulnerable, or if these feelings I had for him were because of the series of events that had taken place.
Regardless of how I might feel, I wasn’t even sure if Aidan felt the same, or if the kiss had been stemmed from his relief I hadn’t been bitten. Or if this rivalry between him and Conall was the only reason he’d done any of it. As unfair as it was to put that on him, I was guarded. I couldn’t quite accept that Aidan felt more than friendship after the comments he’d made the night we’d…
Even should he feel something, I doubted it was anywhere near what I felt for him. At the very most, he might be affectionate towards me the same way he was affectionate towards Laura. I’d remembered the story Conall had told me when I arrived to assist their team and how protective Aidan was over Laura in spite of not wanting to be with her. Perhaps it was the same affection he held for me. Perhaps the kiss was spur of the moment and in relation to the adrenaline of overcoming such daunting odds. The suspension bridge effect, to be more specific.
There were too many ‘what ifs’ keeping me from confidently moving forward. I’d promised to face myself when I came back, but I didn’t want to be torn to shreds again like I had been with Lucas. With my heart already in pieces, could I let someone else potentially break it even more than it already was?
“Carl?”
Yeah, there’s no way Aidan could come to care for me the way I clearly had. It wasn’t a secret that he took whoever came to him, and I’d be naïve to think that I was the exception.
“I’m really okay,” I answered finally, patting him lightly on the shoulder before getting to my feet. “Just a little tired, I guess. You should get some rest. You endured more than I did, and I’m truly grateful for what you managed to do where I failed to.”
Aidan watched me, obviously wishing to say something. But my expression must’ve made it difficult for him to speak up, because he didn’t say a word as I walked back to the room he’d lent me and shut myself inside of it.
*
I woke with a start, clothes dampened with sweat. I couldn’t remember the dream I had, but the phantom sensation of someone’s touch on my neck remained as I sat up and palmed my wet face. Throwing my legs over the side of the bed, I got up and went in search of a glass of water. Just as I left the bedroom, having been too out of it to conjure a glass with magic, I was startled by the sight of a large body looming in the corridor.
“Carl?”
Still overcome by shock, I stuttered slightly. “I-is it normal for you to hang out in the hallway at night?”
Aidan came to stand in front of me, noticing the sweat trailing from my forehead. “I heard you.”
“Heard me?” I questioned, looking away from him and starting to head the direction of the kitchen. “Oh, I was just having a night fright. Nothing to call home over.”
“What about?” he asked, trailing me as I walked quickly into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water.
I turned around, surprised to find him right behind me. Pushed against the counter, I had no other choice but to look up at him with our bodies nearly touching. “Can’t remember, honestly.”
Aidan reached for my face, causing my heart to skip as he brushed the matted hair from my forehead. “I’ve been having trouble sleeping, too,” he confessed in a soft voice, his touch reaching the side of my face before it fell away. “I feel like a complete arse. Earlier…when you and I…before that bloody twat of a team leader called me…”
His eyes were glowing again. I didn’t need to smell the air to know that there was a sense of confliction and guilt over our kiss inside of him, in the words he was saying. It made my heart squeeze and an unforgiving fire burn into my throat when I realized it probably had everything to do with the fact that he hadn’t meant to kiss me, or to have it go as far as it had.
In an effort to give him the forgiveness he was clearly seeking, I touched his shoulder, patting it similarly to how I had earlier. “What happened between us, it’s already forgotten. I know it wasn’t meant to be anything.”
Aidan’s eyes glimmered hotly, startling me as his jaw gritted and the overall smell in the air shifted violently. “Is that what you think it was, a bloody mistake, yeah?”
I’d never seen the Guardian’s anger directed at me, so I was having trouble responding as quickly as I normally would have. When I didn’t answer, a low growl thundered through Aidan’s chest. He took another step towards me, the heat in his stare enough to completely subdue any thoughts I might’ve had about escaping.
“I guess it’s my fault you feel that way,” the towering Guardian said, planting his hands on the counter and boxing me in with the action. “I’ve never really felt like this, and I guess I got anxious when I thought Conall had done something to you again.”
“Then, the kiss was…”
Aidan’s mouth lifted into a self-confident grin. “On purpose.”
“On purpose…” I repeated, unable to wrap my head a
round the abrupt confession.
Aidan bent forward, his face coming within inches of mine. “Just like this one is.”
Before I could fully piece together what he meant, his mouth was firmly pressed into mine. Capturing the back of my neck, Aidan forced me harder into the kiss and slipped his tongue between my lips when my mouth unintentionally opened to him. The hot heat of his kiss instantly quieted my earlier confliction and set my pulse racing. As our lips and tongues collided, the urge for more twisted my thoughts and guided my movements.
However, before I could really make any sense out of what was happening between us, Aidan’s mouth was gone. His thumb caressed my kiss-swollen lips before he parted from me, taking the glass of water I’d poured for myself and offering it to me.
“I’m going to bed before I get myself into any more trouble, but come to me if you have any more night terrors.”
I watched his retreating form with a haze in my head, wholly dazed. Unable to figure out what two ‘on purpose’ kisses meant, I was at a loss with how to proceed. If it had been Conall, I would’ve laid into him, both verbally and physically. However, I couldn’t seem to get angry when Aidan kissed me for no other reason than it was on purpose.
What did that even mean, though?
Completely flabbergasted and quite honestly exhausted by the turn of events, I drank the glass of water before returning to my room. With so much on my mind, I didn’t sleep a wink for the remaining two hours we had before we were expected at Conall’s.
Chapter Eighteen
After debriefing Logan of what had transpired, there was a long silence that had grown somewhat uncomfortable as the angel peered into each one of our faces. His gold and silver accessories clanked as he lifted his hand to the soft, subtle curve of his chin. Entrancing blue eyes settled onto me, Logan’s expression giving nothing away of his internal thoughts.
