This is nice, thought Melissa, surprised how much she liked Frankie. She hadn’t wanted to; she had secretly wished that she might be a poorer version of herself, but there was no competition. She wanted to get to know her.
‘We should have brought some of our photos, shouldn’t we Mam?’ she said. Her mother nodded, but Melissa realized that they didn’t have those nice family photos of happy moments. She couldn’t remember them even owning a camera.
‘So, Melissa, tell me about you? Your mother, I mean, Mary… I mean…’ She turned to Mary. ‘Shall I just call you Mary for the moment? Would that be all right?’ Their mother nodded. ‘Mary told me you were a journalist and I’ve been reading your articles online… And you have awards. Wow.’
‘Oh… thanks…’ For a moment, Melissa didn’t know what to say. Mary had never read a single one of her articles. Nothing she did was ever talked about or praised. It was rather strange to be sitting here with someone who was interested in her. It was something she could get used to, very used to indeed. ‘That’s really kind of you… actually, I’m not sure if it’s what I want to do anymore… for the rest of my life.’
‘Great,’ smiled Frankie. ‘A new adventure. Taking charge and making a change is one of the most rewarding things a person can do.’
‘Really?’ said Melissa, ‘I feel petrified.’
‘You are meant to feel petrified. Or it wouldn’t be life.’
The two women smiled at each other. A sister, thought Melissa. A sister. I have a sister. She had so many questions, she wanted to know so much about Frankie, about her life, her upbringing, her happy childhood. She didn’t care about their different lives, she was just excited about this new person. There was much to say. But what about Mary? Should she leave them to get to know each other? She couldn’t commandeer the meeting. She was only meant to be here for moral support and had to give Mary and Frankie time together. She couldn’t hog her.
‘I’ve got to go…’ she said. ‘It was nice to meet you. Frankie.’
‘Thanks for coming,’ said Frankie, ‘I think I’m going to like having a sister. I’ve always wanted one.’
‘Me too,’ said Melissa. ‘I really mean that. Thank you for coming to meet us today. It’s been brilliant.’ She turned to her mother. ‘You okay, Mam?’
Her mother nodded and tried to smile. She held out her hand and grasped Melissa’s. They smiled at each other. The gesture was affectionate, they were going to move on together. There were tears in Mary’s eyes.
‘Life is strange, isn’t Mam?’
‘And wonderful,’ said Mary. ‘I’ll walk you out.’
They stood up and walked away from Frankie, and at the door, they turned to each other. ‘Thank you Melissa,’ her mother said. ‘I don’t know what I would have done without you.’
‘I’m your daughter, aren’t I? This is what we do.’ She laughed it off but they grasped each other in a slightly awkward hug. It may have been the only hug of their lives, and the most meaningful one they had ever had, but Melissa was going to make sure it wasn’t the last.
‘I love you, Mam.’
‘Me too,’ her mother managed. ‘I love you too.’
Melissa quickly walked away and as she put the keys into the ignition, she saw through the windows into the lounge. Her mother was wiping her eyes and Frankie was doing the same. They were both crying again, this time tears of happiness to what the future holds.
42
Steph
The front door creaked slightly as Steph was leaving the house just before six in the morning. She was going to see Nuala, and relieve the palliative care nurse. She really didn’t want Rachel to wake up; she wanted her to sleep. At least when she was asleep, there was the chance of a nice dream.
And then Rick appeared on the stairs, in his dressing gown. He was leaving very soon but Steph hadn’t seen much of him, he was working away a lot of the time and she was so busy spending all her time with Nuala.
‘How’s your mother?’ he said, standing in front of her.
‘Not great,’ she said, trying to sound natural and normal. ‘Palliative care nurses are with her every night… we’re… we’re close to the… end. You know…’ she petered out.
‘Will you send my best wishes?’
‘Your best wishes? She’s dying.’
‘I know… I know. My wishes, my thoughts, you know.’
‘I’ll tell her.’
They looked at each other, unsure what to say. Steph had no real interest in what he was going to say anymore. He no longer wielded any power over her. She knew he’d be gone soon forever.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘That’s all. She’s a lovely woman. Okay, so she didn’t think much of me, but she was very good at hiding it.’
‘Anyway… better go…’ Steph turned the front door latch.
‘Steph?’
She turned back. ‘Yes?’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you.’
‘Well, you did.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You’ve said it already.’ She shrugged. ‘What’s done is done.’ But then she felt something inside her, a flame light and she relished the feeling of having taken control of her life. It felt good.
‘I know I hurt you,’ he said. ‘With Miriam.’ He coughed.
‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘You did. But I’ll get over it. It hasn’t killed me. This doesn’t matter. This doesn’t matter to me anymore. We weren’t happy. Simple as that. We shouldn’t have got married.’
‘But then we wouldn’t have had Rachel.’
‘True.’
‘Because I wouldn’t change that for anything.’
‘Nor me.’ She looked at him and saw the face she had been looking at for nearly twenty years and she felt, weirdly, affection. She should hate him, she knew that, but he was just a man with problems and they weren’t hers anymore. He could never hurt her again. ‘Listen, Rick. Let’s be good to each other, okay? Because we haven’t been for years and years.’
‘I promise. Do you?’
‘I do,’ she said. ‘You know, it’s exactly what I need. I promised Mam I would make myself happy. That I would lead my life better. That I would put myself and Rachel first. And this is the first step. Doesn’t stop me being terrified though.’
‘I’m terrified too,’ he said.
‘What? The great Patrick Fitzpatrick, master of all he surveys, terrified?’ She was teasing and they both smiled at each other. ‘Why does life have to be so difficult?’ she said.
‘Because otherwise it would be boring, I suppose. Listen, I’ve made some arrangements at the office. I’m going to be working from home on Fridays from now on, so I can have breakfast in some cafe with Rachel before school, if she’d like that, and then go to hockey with her in the afternoon. And then pizza or whatever.’
‘That’s great.’ Steph was amazed.
‘She was really pleased when I told her. It made me realize how much I’ve missed. She’s a great girl.’
‘She is, she really is.’
‘I’m going to get a flat. In Dun Laoghaire. Near home, for Rachel.’
She nodded. ‘That sounds… good. Anyway, I’d better go, Mam’ll be wondering where I am.’ So this is how marriages end, she thought, relieved that this particular union was fading to black so smoothly.
She was late, now, the nurse would be gone and she didn’t like Joe having to do everything. She raced up the hill in her Mercedes.
Joe met her at the door. He didn’t say anything but she knew by his expression.
‘Gone?’ she managed. ‘She’s gone?’
He nodded, blinking at her.
‘Oh Dad,’ She put her arms around him. ‘I don’t believe it. ‘If only I’d been five minutes earlier.’
‘I think she was trying to wait for you…’ He was in shock, he couldn’t take it in. ‘She was holding this, he said, ‘when she went.’
He held out a small framed picture of Steph and Rachel.
‘Oh Dad!’ said Steph, breaking down and falling to her knees. ‘And I was nearly here. I was nearly here…’
They went upstairs to see Nuala, to stay at her side and hold her hand for as long as they could. But they would never have long enough, they would never be able to hold her hand ever again.
43
The girls
‘How are you? How are you feeling?’ Melissa had called Steph to see how she was. Melissa couldn’t stop thinking about her. The funeral had, of course, been an awful occasion, and however much everyone tried to see it as a celebration of life and spirit, there was no getting away from the sight of Steph and Rachel, ashen-faced and clutching each other’s hands, and Joe looking more dead than alive, the little dog tucked against his legs, as though searching for comfort or warmth.
‘Fine, normal,’ said Steph, ‘and then I remember and start crying. It’s a shock every single time. I wake up in the morning and everything’s okay and then I remember it. And it’s that horrible feeling all over again. That’s the worst; remembering again. It’s a bit embarrassing because I keep crying when I’m out and about. And when I dropped Rachel off to school today, she didn’t want to go in but I made her – so that made me cry – and then when I was buying milk I saw those biscuits Mam liked, these jam ones, and I started crying again. So,’ she said, ‘I’m a bit of a mess.’
‘You’ve got to let yourself cry.’
‘Apparently. But it is quite inconvenient.’
They were quiet for a moment.
‘I’m crying now. Only you can’t see it. And everyone is being so nice. So many people at the funeral and then all the cards. You should see what things they said about Mam. About what a great woman she was, funny stories about her. There was even a card from a Brian O’Brien. Apparently went to school with her and always had a soft spot for her. He heard that she had died and he wanted to say how sorry he was. He said she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She used to have a yellow dress that he thought made her look like a film star.’
‘How lovely…’
‘You see, it’s started me off again. I miss her. I just miss her. And as for Dad… he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’s taken to going for incredibly long walks with Dingle. I don’t think he likes being in the house without her.’
She thought about her father. She’d seen him that morning. She was making tea for the two of them and when she passed him the cup, he said, ‘There’s no funny side to this, is there, Stephanie? We’ll never find a funny side to this.’
‘No, Dad,’ she said. ‘We won’t.’
He was looking at the painting that Nuala had done with Joe, the one with the blue nose. They both stood there for a moment and looked at it.
‘She was a wonderful woman, your mam,’ he said. ‘I’ve never known such a whirlwind. Meeting her was the most miraculous thing. We almost never met and things would have been very different.’
‘Yes, Dad. She was our miracle.’
‘It must be so hard…’ said Melissa.
‘Yes…’ Steph sighed.
‘What about Rick?’ said Melissa. ‘Where’s he now?’
‘He moved out last week. Asked me if it was too soon after the funeral, but I said no, that we should keep moving forwards. It’s what Mam would have wanted. And it’s what I want.’
‘Where’s he living?’
‘In a modern flat, overlooking the sea in Dun Laoghaire. It suits him, he says, near the train for going into town, and he can see Rachel easily.’
‘Would you like me and Eilis to come round tonight? We could bring wine, tea, take-away for you? Maybe Joe would come down too?’
‘He’s been invited to the book club by Imelda Cunnane. She wouldn’t take no for an answer. It might be good for him to get out but he keeps crying too. But I think Imelda is one of those women who can take it in her stride.’ Everyone was rallying around, it had to be said. Everyone was there for them… except for the one person they needed most.
‘Poor Joe.’
‘About losing his wife or having to spend the evening with Imelda Cunnane?’
‘Both.’ They shared a small laugh together and for Steph it felt strange to be laughing, almost as though she shouldn’t be. But she thought of Nuala, someone who spent her life laughing and she knew it would make her happy.
‘What about Rachel?’ said Melissa.
‘It’s her night with Rick. He watches her play hockey and then they go for pizza.’
‘How’s it going?’
‘Fine,’ she said carefully. ‘So far. Let’s see if he can keep it up’
‘Apparently, he never had that trouble before,’ said Melissa.
Steph managed to laugh. ‘I’m so glad you rang, Mel,’ she said. ‘You’ve made me feel a tiny bit better.’
‘Tiny is better than nothing.’ Melissa paused. ‘As Miriam probably said to Rick.’ Steph laughed openly now. She couldn’t believe she would ever have laughed at something which once had given her so much pain.
That night, Eilis and Melissa turned up with a selection of food. Melissa had picked up some sushi on the way over and Eilis carried in a cool bag in which she had put six lasagnes (‘for the freezer,’ she said, ‘for you and Rachel and Joe’), along with nice bread and cheese, to keep them going.
And Melissa had made a lemon drizzle cake. ‘Didn’t you say this was Rachel’s favourite?’ she said.
None of them felt like drinking so they made tea and ate the sushi and Steph brought them up to date on everything.
‘Dad is… well, he’s doing his best,’ she said. ‘But the house feels so awful. Every time you walk in, it’s like there is something missing. Well, there is…’
‘Do you think he’ll stay there?’
‘He says he wants to… and the thought of packing everything up and selling the house is not something any of us wants to contemplate, but I was thinking that maybe he could move in here for a while. I don’t know, we can see.’
Steph suddenly noticed Eilis was trying to find a tissue to wipe away her own tears.
‘Are you all right Eilis?’ she said.
‘Yes, of course, I’m sorry Steph,’ said Eilis.
‘There’s no need to be sorry,’ said Steph, gently.
‘It’s bringing a few things to the surface, you see,’ said Eilis. ‘My mother… I didn’t know at the time how to grieve… I wanted to get on with things and be a success… and I never grieved properly. I told Melissa about it the other day.’
‘I wish we could have helped you better at the time,’ said Melissa.
‘But we were all eighteen,’ said Eilis. ‘None of us knew how to cope with anything, never mind Mam dying. You did used to try and get me to come out with you all the time when I was in the middle of exams. I remember that much!’ Eilis cleared her throat. ‘And Rob’s gone, left. And he won’t tell me where or why. Melissa knows all of it.’
‘You were so caught up with the funeral and everything,’ explained Melissa.
‘Jesus Christ Eils,’ said Steph. ‘What’s going on?’
Eilis shrugged. ‘You know, after he wouldn’t go to Greece, I knew something was seriously wrong, like a breakdown, or something.’
‘He didn’t go to Greece?’ said Steph.
‘No,’ said Eilis, shaking her head. ‘He refused to go. I know, nice of him, wasn’t it?’
‘Very nice,’ said Steph. ‘Is he depressed?’
‘I have no idea. And is he okay?’
‘Yes, because he’s going into work every day. I rang his office and his secretary told me he was there. But it’s just me, he doesn’t want to see me.’
Melissa and Steph made eye contact. What was going on? Another woman, had to be. But why couldn’t he just be upfront about it?
‘Anyway,’ said Eilis, ‘I’m just getting on with things…’
‘But that is so difficult,’ said Steph, ‘not knowing. It’s really not fair.’
‘No,’ said Eilis, ‘it’s not fair.’<
br />
‘Anyway, don’t you have other things on your mind?’ teased Melissa. ‘Don’t they say that the way to get one man off your mind is to get another…?’
‘What’s that?’ said Steph.
‘Oh, just some crush of Eilis’s,’ said Melissa. ‘A cross between Poldark and Jesus, it seems. Perfect man.’
They all laughed, even Eilis.
‘No, that is definitely not my perfect man,’ she said. ‘Oh, I don’t know…’
‘I know something for sure, anyway,’ said Melissa. ‘You need some of my cake. I’ll put the kettle on again.’
Steph got up to clear the plates and just as she was walking into the kitchen, Rachel came home.
‘Did you have a good time?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, it was nice. We won our match and then we went for pizza but I got tired and wanted to come home.’
‘Well, you’re just in time for lemon drizzle cake. Come and have a slice.’
And so tea was made and Rachel joined her mum, Melissa and Eilis and they chatted about their own memories of school.
‘Your mother,’ said Melissa, ‘once handed out condoms to all the girls in Sixth Year.’
‘What?’ Rachel looked shocked.
‘They weren’t to use,’ Steph said quickly, ‘We were all still good girls. It was a political act.’
‘Oh, is that what it was?’
‘Well, to be honest,’ said Steph, ‘If I remember right, I didn’t really know what they were for, but they were giving them out at the students’ union when I went for the open day and when I told them I was at the Abbey, one of the women there, gave me a box and told me to distribute them. I knew the nuns would go mad.’
‘And they did!’
‘But they never would have believed it was your mother,’ said Eilis. ‘She was far too goody-goody. They never did get to the bottom of it.’
‘I remember being terrified my parents would find it and so I threw it in the bin on my way home from school,’ said Steph.
Rachel was laughing. ‘So you weren’t very rebellious then?’
‘We tried to be,’ said Steph.
‘And another time,’ said Melissa, ‘your mother was caught bringing vodka into the school-leavers’ disco.’
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