by Sotia Lazu
Some reason? Ah, how I love my denial. Still, I couldn’t feed on Alex for a third time in a row. Could I? Especially when I wanted to keep whatever was between us casual?
Most importantly, would anyone see me if I started smacking my forehead repeatedly?
I decided to go with the third, least appealing option where dinner was concerned, and say no to my hand’s urge to meet my temple. I glanced backward, to make sure the couple was out of sight, and took off.
ONCE THE VSS HAD DEEMED that I was able to take care of myself, I’d been given a nest egg and the boot. The nest egg hadn’t been enough for me to re-rent my old apartment, but that wasn’t why I’d had to move. The guidelines say returning to our previous life is frowned upon, and frowned upon usually leads to staking in our crowd.
The money had, however, been enough to pay the first four months of rent for this underground studio with no kitchen. I’d bought a microwave oven for reheating the occasional cup of packaged blood, placed it on my bedside table, and I’d covered my culinary needs.
I got a bag of blood from my emergency stash in the teeny-tiny freezer that came with the teeny-tiny apartment, and warmed it. By the way, reheating frozen blood doesn’t make the stuff tasty, just bearable.
I could have asked Constantine for a sip or two. Feeding from another vampire keeps us going for at least two or three days. It makes no sense, considering dead man’s blood is poison to us, but it’s true. And Constantine had been my donor many times in the past, so technically it would have been wrong to ask him. If I had no conscience.
Then again, I doubted he would have been very giving, without demanding something in return. I lifted my mug to my lips and took a mouthful. Bleah. I’d forgotten how bad frozen food tasted. Pinching my nose, I gulped the rest of the liquid down and went to the closet-sized bathroom to rinse my cup.
Deciding what to do next was hard. I could stay home and watch reruns, or I could keep my word and go to Alex, as I promised. Alex, who was waiting for me. Alex, who seemed unfazed by the weirdness that was my reality, and who treated me like I was special. Alex, with whom I’d spent the whole day in bed, going through pictures from his childhood, laughing, and making love. Alex, on whom I was developing a crush, though I tried hard not to.
Alex, with whom I couldn’t be for more than a few measly decade—far too short a time for someone destined to live forever like I was—before his body betrayed him and he inevitably passed away, as all mortals do.
I couldn’t do that to myself. Crush or not, I had to get out as soon as possible. As soon as we figured out his case.
But I promised.
I checked my cell phone. No missed calls. Nobody sought me out in the two days it lay under my bed, where I’d thrown it. It didn’t surprise me. I shoved it in my back pocket. Constantine would call to let me know what he’d arranged. I grabbed my backpack, stuffed some clothes in, pulled my hair into a ponytail, took a deep, unnecessary breath, and opened the door.
I couldn’t spend the rest of Alex’s life with him, but there was no danger in enjoying his company for a few more days.
Plus there’s safety in numbers, and two is a bigger number than one.
And I promised.
IT WAS ODD, SEEING Alex in the kitchen. I hadn’t associated him with that room. I’d thought he’d be more at ease in a luxurious bedroom, with dark colors and lavish fabrics. No, I didn’t have a specific one in mind.
Nevertheless, he seemed comfortable among the spotless white countertops, flipping an omelet in the air when I walked in. So comfortable, in fact, that he was doing so wearing only an apron. What was it with naked men today?
“Does your mother know you wear her clothes?” I lifted one corner of my lips in appreciation of the view.
He threw me a smoldering look over his shoulder and wiggled his ass. “I like how airy this thing is.”
We managed to keep a straight face for only a second or two, before cracking up.
I placed a kiss on his shoulder, hung my pack on the back of a chair, and hopped on the kitchen counter. “Saw you fixed the front door. You might consider locking it too. Anyone could walk in.”
“I’ll lock up tonight, so we can sleep without worrying about burglars.” He added grated cheese to the omelet, and I watched it melt.
“So I’m staying tonight too?” I asked. Don’t judge; I was there already.
“Unquestionably.” He slid the omelet out of the pan and onto a plate he’d set to the side. Switching the cooker off, he turned fully to me and captured my lips with his.
“Good.” I returned his kiss, internally thanking whoever was listening that Alex didn’t have a vampire’s sense of smell. Constantine’s scent lingered on me, and we hadn’t even had that much contact.
Alex looked at the plate, which gave out a divine aroma, and then back at me. “I forgot to ask if you can eat. Food. Solid food?” His perfect teeth trapped his lower lip.
I tore off a bit of fried egg with my fingers, dropped it in my mouth, and made a show of chewing and swallowing it. “It does nothing to sustain me, but I can have it.” I ran my tongue over my front teeth. “It needs a bit more pepper.” I like spicy food.
“It does not.” He mock glared. “I make a mean omelet, and you’d better get your butt in a chair if you wanna have any more of it.” He pointed at the table, which was set for two, a candle in the middle. “I’ll make a salad and be right with you.”
The whole thing was bizarrely cozy and sweet. I did as he said, making myself comfortable at the table and crossing my legs at the ankles, all prim and proper. Was that how being with him would be? Would he always remain so very wonderful? And why was I torturing myself? Vampires don’t get to share always with humans.
“I like you,” I blurted.
He furrowed his brow. “I thought we’d established that.”
I nodded. “Felt like saying it.” Oh God, I was sixteen again.
Looking at me meant he wasn’t watching the knife, which missed the tomato and found the pad of his thumb instead. “Ouch.”
I was beside him before he got to the ch.
“It’s nothing,” he said, raising his hand toward his mouth.
I was faster. I took hold of his palm and lead his thumb between my lips. I licked the wound, sealing it, but he didn’t pull his hand away. When I looked up at him, I was stricken by the way he watched me; it was intense and warm and full of something more than lust—which was utterly, indisputably wrong.
He averted his gaze, and I let his thumb go with a pop. “The omelet is getting cold. We should eat.” If I sounded any cheerier, I’d barf.
“Yeah. Better forget the salad and dig in.” He took the omelet to the table and pulled out a chair for me.
“Naw, I’ll finish it. You sit.” I was done with the tomato and chopped the lettuce by the time he began protesting. He gave in and took the seat across from mine.
Finding a bowl for the salad took a rather long time, because Alex stared at me with a hint of a smile instead of telling me which cupboard to look into. I scraped the salad from the chopping block into the bowl, snatched the pepper mill, and batted my eyelashes at him.
He chuckled as he served his creation to our plates. “Have at it.”
I sank back in my seat and twisted the mill over my plate until one more speckle of pepper would make me sneeze. Then I tried the eggs. I may be exaggerating a bit, but that omelet was the best I’d ever tasted. We shared it while playing footsie under the table. Yup, I was sixteen, all right. And loving it.
Until things turned sour, as they almost invariably do.
Washing a sizeable bite down with cola, Alex asked, “How come you only stopped the blood?”
I had no idea what he was getting at, and it must have shown on my face.
“Aren’t you hungry? You haven’t eaten since late last night.”
I worried he’d want me to drink from him again if I mentioned the frozen blood. I didn’t want to get used to his taste, wh
en I wouldn’t have it for long. “I can take it a bit longer. And you need to build up your strength.” Hoping I sounded blasé enough, I stuffed a forkful of salad in my mouth. “This is filling, as well as yummy.” All that was missing from my performance was a satisfied tummy rub.
His fork clanked against the plate, where he let it drop. “You’re lying. I see it in your eyes.” His lips were quirked in a smile, but his tone was serious.
I turned the double-crossing things to the table. “Am not.”
“The question is why.”
Sighing in resignation, I took his hand in mine. “When I went to pack, I had a bite. Frozen stuff.”
“You can have more of mine later if you want.” He caressed my knuckles with his thumb, seeming relieved. “How did the meeting go?”
I shrugged one shoulder, focused on chasing a piece of lettuce around my plate. “It was fine. He’ll call me when he hears from them.”
“So do I get to know who he is?”
My hesitation indicated guilt, and I wasn’t guilty, damn it. “My ex. His name is Constantine.” Eh, I felt guilty.
“I see.” Alex didn’t speak again, switching his attention to his food. When his plate was squeaky clean, he pushed his chair back, stood, and left the room.
It took a couple of seconds for me to make up my mind on whether to follow him or not. If I didn’t, he might think I didn’t care. If I did, he might feel suffocated. Rock, meet hard place.
While evaluating my options, I factored in a very significant parameter—I was stronger and faster than he was. If he tried to pick a fight or leave the house, I could easily hold him still until he shut up and listened to me. Though why I had to explain myself, I really couldn’t say. It wasn’t like we were an item.
My chair screeched against the floor, the sound a million times more annoying to my ears than to a human’s. Then I was on my feet, walking slowly to the living room. I’m talking real slow, not slow for a vampire. I dragged my feet because, although I’d done nothing wrong that night, I didn’t want to talk about Constantine. Nothing good could come out of it. What was more, I didn’t want to lie.
Alex sat in our armchair—funny that I felt we had shared custody of the thing—rubbing his face with his palm.
“Do you wanna—”
“My last girlfriend broke up with me eight months ago,” he said to the wall behind me. “My life was too adventurous for her. We’d been together for a year and a half, and I was gonna ask her to marry me. Letting go of her was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” Amazing how a man his size seemed small at that moment.
The sadness in his voice made my throat constrict. I moved farther inside the room and leaned my thigh against the side of the couch, crossing my arms in front of my chest. I wanted to tell him I was sorry to hear that, yet I said nothing. Sorry wouldn’t cover the extreme dislike I felt for the woman who’d wounded him, though I’d never met her. Still, it wasn’t up to me to help him heal; I was nothing but a passerby in his life.
He shrugged, but his face had clouded. His nonchalance was an act. “She said she’d never be able to keep up. That she was leaving me for my own good. She said she was sorry and that it hurt her too. I didn’t believe her. I couldn’t get how the fuck she could leave me if it hurt her to do it.”
I didn’t want him to finish that story saying that he finally understood what she’d been talking about, that now he knew what being with someone too fast for him felt like. The conclusion was unavoidable though. He was only telling me about her as a preface to calling things off with me. What other reason could he have? In all my deep contemplation of the future, I’d failed to take one thing into consideration—delayed freakout. Alex had been fine so far because the goings-on hadn’t sunk in. Until now.
I let my head fall back. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about leaving him; he was making my choice for me. I should be feeling relief instead of that numbness spreading from my fingertips toward my chest.
“She broke my heart to the point I thought it’d never mend again. I didn’t even go on a date until I met you,” Alex said.
I felt the need to interject, delay the inevitable. “It’s not like we’re dating.” Good job, Cherry. Great job.
He might as well not have heard me. “The thing is”—
I dug in my biceps. Despite knowing we could be nothing to each other, I didn’t want to hear what the thing was. Couldn’t we forget the thing for the time being?
—“I want us to.”
Okay. Rewind. Let’s talk about the thing. “Huh?”
“I want us to date, Cherry. I want to take you out and come back home with you, but”—
Ah, the but. I should have known it was coming. But he couldn’t handle it. But we weren’t good for each other. But it wouldn’t go anywhere, so we ought to save us both the trouble.
— “I’m not going to let another woman in, just so she can eventually hurt me. I want to know where you stand. How available you are, emotionally.” He rolled his eyes and let his hand land heavily on the arm of the chair. “Fuck. I sound like a chick.” At last he turned to me. “No offense.”
“None taken,” I said without thinking about it. I hadn’t had time to take offense anyway. My mind was too busy trying to become pliable enough to bend around the unfathomable idea that Alex wanted to see more of me.
“What I’m saying is that there’s something here.” He wagged his index finger between us. “But I don’t want to make more of it than it really is. I mean, if there’s someone else...”
“I see.” He wasn’t saying we couldn’t be together. I wanted to bounce. I refrained because really, we couldn’t. But he wanted us to give it a try—and wasn’t this a wonderful but?
“And?” He drew out the question, staring at me. Why was he staring? Had I done something wrong?
“And?” I batted my eyelashes, trying to buy some time. It was up to me to define what we had. Oh God. I suck at definitions. Doubly so when the definition I feel like giving is completely inappropriate.
“And would you like to say something?” His eyebrows shot for his hairline, his face such a contrast to the apron, I’d giggle if he hadn’t just opened his heart up to me.
There was no one else, but that wouldn’t be enough of an answer. I started at the beginning. “I met Constantine shortly after I was turned. He was my sponsor.” The blank look from Alex made me elaborate. “He was the one in charge of me. He taught me how to choose my prey; how to deal with missing my family; how to not let the thirst take me over.” And I fell so in love with him, he became my whole world—which Alex didn’t need to know.
“Constantine made me stop hating what I’d become. He was there for anything I needed. He showed me fighting moves and made me read. Reading was what distinguished us from savages, he said. We became lovers.” We had been more than that. He’d made me happy, and in return I’d let him suck me into his whirlwind of an existence.
Alex’s mouth twitched almost imperceptibly, his eyes darkening a shade.
I shouldn’t linger on that subject. “We were together for a couple of years, until I walked in on him with another woman. We hadn’t seen each other since, until tonight.” That didn’t feel entirely honest. “We spoke on the phone lots, though.”
Alex still stared at me. I hadn’t answered his question. “It was weird seeing him,” I heard myself say. Weird was an understatement. “But I’m okay. And nothing happened.” That was as much as I could say about my emotional availability. I wanted Alex, and yes, I was over Constantine. Mostly.
No, I wasn’t in the best place for a relationship. Yes, I wanted to give it a try anyway. No, I couldn’t do what I wanted. There were repercussions for me to consider.
“Can you see yourself with him in the future?” There was cop face again, only this time his worry seeped through the mask’s cracks.
“I... No. I don’t think so.” I hated the doubt in my voice. “I’m not in love with him anymore, but he’s important t
o me. I’d like for this to be something, Alex. Us. I just don’t think I can be what you need.” There. Full honesty. My cards were spread on the table.
The room was so silent once I stopped talking, I tapped my foot to make sure I hadn’t gone deaf. I wasn’t what Alex needed. He had the chance to make a family with a human who’d grow old with him. Nevertheless, I wanted him not to let that stop him. Hey, I’m dead, but I’m still a woman.
He leaned forward, hands on his knees. “I’ll go by the office in the morning. Get you the pictures.” That was a change of subject if I ever heard one—or so I thought, until he spoke again. “We’ll talk about this more once we’ve solved the case. Fucking will tide us over till then.” He winked.
If any other man spoke to me like that a couple days after we met, no matter how carnal his knowledge of me might be, I’d snap at him. Instead I laughed. Alex tone showed he didn’t mean it as a slight, and it was nice laughing with him—easy, pleasant. He made it possible for me to be carefree, when my head was filled with problems to be solved.
“Was that a no?” He gave me a lopsided smile.
I licked my lower lip and walked to him, swishing my hips with every step. “It was a most definite yes.”
The future was so very far away that moment.
Chapter Six
MY KNIGHT IN SHINING armor, Alex brought the portable television downstairs before leaving for work, but daytime TV wasn’t enough to keep my mind busy. My thoughts returned to my current situation despite my efforts. As a last resort, I started counting the bricks in the room.
I was halfway through the third wall, when I heard a car pull up and soon steps rushed along the driveway. Friend or foe?
I knew it was Alex when I heard the key in the lock. Willoughby would have no qualms busting through another door.
If it weren’t for the evil sun, I’d have flown up the stairs to meet Alex and thank him for saving me from my boredom. As it was, I jumped out of bed when he switched on the light, planning on smooching the breath out of him as soon as he set foot on the landing.
