When did that plan start to become something else?
Had it been when he had hugged his mother in farewell and she had whispered in his ear, ‘Don’t let this one go, Alan. She’s special.’
He knew Julia was special. But he also knew that she saw their relationship as simply a bonus extension of her overseas training experience. A secret one.
How could he prevent her from going?
By asking her to marry him?
The very thought was shocking enough to keep him quiet on the rest of their journey. Thinking hard. Confused by the strength of his feelings. Arguing with himself.
She didn’t know him well enough. Or, rather, she didn’t know all of him. And there were parts of Julia he knew weren’t being shared. They hadn’t had time. Or maybe they just hadn’t wanted to take that final step into the kind of intimacy that could lead to permanence.
She wouldn’t want to.
He wouldn’t want to.
Or would he? Faced with the alternative of seeing her vanish from his life for ever, it seemed like a lifeline.
Julia didn’t know it yet, but this was going to be the first whole night they would spend together. No going home to the apartment to make sure nobody guessed where Mac was spending so much of his time away from work. Would it be enough to chase away that niggle of discontent for Mac? Would it be enough?
Yes. The magic had begun. Things seemed to be falling into place. Or they would, if Mac could stop fighting it. The serenity of Iona was exactly what he needed. The magic.
They explored the abbey and the cemetery, cuddling together to break the bite of a chilly wind from the sea.
They ate wonderful, home-cooked food in the guest house for their dinner and then he opened the window a little in their bedroom so they could hear the rhythm of the sea as they made love.
They knew each other’s bodies so well now. It was so easy to kindle passion. To take infinite delight in each touch…each kiss…knowing what depth of fulfilment they were heading inevitably towards.
There was something different about this night, however. Something that touched Mac so deeply it made him want to close his arms around Julia and never let her go. For this one night, he didn’t have to.
He couldn’t sleep. He listened to the waves and the sound of Julia’s soft, even breaths. And he listened, at last, to what his heart was telling him.
His mother was right. He couldn’t let her go willingly.
Maybe he didn’t have a ring or anything very fancy to say to her but he could tell her that he loved her.
He could ask her to spend the rest of her life with him.
This was a magic place.
Some of that magic might rub off on them and Julia would tell him she felt the same way.
He’d ask her to marry him.
And she’d say yes.
Sometimes, in the movies, they slowed down the inevitable crash scene.
Frame by frame, you could see it coming.
That was exactly how Julia was feeling, sitting on a smooth boulder on a tiny beach the next morning.
Ironically, the sun had come out and the day couldn’t have been more perfect. The sea was so smooth Mac was skipping stones just beyond the baby waves that rolled gently onto the shingle, and she knew it was coming.
The declaration.
The proposal.
There had been something very different about last night. As if they’d been swept along by the magic of this tiny island and it had taken them to a new level in their relationship. The love-making had been so intense. So heartbreakingly tender.
Julia had woken knowing it would never be like that again.
The crash was coming.
She had seen it, the instant she had opened her eyes to find Mac looking at her. The way he had been watching her when he’d thought she wouldn’t notice, drying herself after her shower and helping herself to the buffet breakfast in the dining room of the guest house. The way he had almost begun to say something, more than once, but had then stopped himself—as though he couldn’t find quite the right words or it wasn’t quite the right time or place.
Yes. The crash was coming and it would be her heart—and Mac’s—that lay in pieces afterwards.
Her body seemed to be almost absorbing the lump of rock she was sitting on. Something heavy and horrible was taking up residence behind her ribs and it got bigger as Mac turned his head, a triumphant grin on his face.
‘Did you see that? Seven!’
‘Fantastic. You’re the best, Mac.’
‘I could only ever do three when I was a kid. I thought my dad was the best ’cos he could do six.’
Funny how you could still smile even when you could actually feel a crack appearing in your heart. Julia could see the little boy Mac so clearly. On this beach with his father. Skipping stones on a clear, sunny morning.
She could see him standing here again. With his son. Teaching him. A little boy who would think he was the best because he could skip a stone seven times.
The ferry was almost due to take them back to Mull. She could see it over the short stretch of water. A new group of visitors was on board, eager to come and explore this idyllic spot. The pilot had unhooked the rope and he threw it onto the boat and then jumped after it. The small vessel drifted for a few seconds and then she heard the engine catch—the loudest sound they had heard since they had arrived on Iona.
A call to action. She watched in dismay as Mac turned from the sea and walked towards her rock. He looked impossibly gorgeous. Faded denim jeans and his beloved leather jacket over a T-shirt. He hadn’t shaved that morning because he hadn’t bothered bringing a razor and the shadow on his jaw only made him look a bit more rugged. Absolutely…perfect.
The love she felt for this man squeezed her heart hard enough to be painful. To feel like there was no blood left to keep her alive.
The smile of success was still playing with Mac’s face but he had a very intent look in his eyes.
One that looked like…hope?
Oh, God! Julia jumped to her feet, propelled by a stab of panic that she did her best to disguise with a smile.
‘Ferry’s coming. See?’
The observation was completely redundant but she had to say something. Something mundane. A futile attempt at creating some kind of buffer, perhaps.
This was it.
His last chance before they had to leave the magic of Iona.
Surely he was imagining the impression that Julia was fleeing?
He hadn’t imagined her response to him last night. At the end, when he’d kissed away the tears of an emotion too great to put into words. When he’d simply held her as she’d slid into sleep, saying nothing because he felt the same way and words could only have diminished it.
But now, on a public beach, when words were all he had, she was running away from him.
Well, walking fast anyway, and there was no reason for it. The little beach was right beside the jetty. That was why he’d been skipping stones with his dad all those years ago because they, too, had been waiting for the boat.
Why on earth had he wasted time with that little excursion down memory lane? Looking into the past when it was his future he should have been doing something about?
Why had he held back this morning, when he had watched Julia open her eyes to a new day and he could have made it the first day of the rest of their lives together?
Because he knew that despite the magic of this place, it wasn’t right somehow. That trying to keep Julia might be like caging a wild spirit. That even showing her the cage might destroy whatever time they had left and this morning had been too perfect to tarnish.
He hadn’t felt this torn since…
No. He wasn’t going to do that. He wasn’t going to let any memory of Christine intrude. This was about Julia. About now.
Mac caught her hand and held it as they watched the boat come alongside the jetty. Several young children were hanging onto the rail, shrieking with excitement
as the boat bumped against a wooden pile.
He smiled. ‘Sound like seagulls, don’t they?’
‘Yeah…’
Something in her tone jarred Mac. Made him pause and wonder what it was. Disapproval? OK, the children were being noisy and it disrupted the serenity of this spot but they were just happy. Excited. Mac watched a little girl bouncing up and down, unable to contain herself, but from the corner of his eye he could see that Julia was looking over her shoulder. Back at the sheep on the rise of a windswept slope.
A last look at Iona?
Or an aversion to the sight of boisterous children?
‘The noise doesn’t bother you,’ he said quietly, ‘when they’re your own.’
Her gaze flew to meet his and there was no mistaking the way her pupils dilated with what looked absurdly like fear. Horror, even.
‘Kids? Me?’ Her gaze flicked away and she made an odd sound that morphed into a hollow chuckle. ‘Not in this lifetime, mate.’
That jarring sensation returned as something rather more solid. He was up against a warning sign, maybe. Or a wall. The kind you might find if you’d taken a wrong turn and discovered a dead end.
He kept his tone light. ‘You sound very sure about that.’
‘Oh, I am.’ Julia wriggled in a kind of theatrical shudder. ‘Kids ruin your career and your bank balance and your social life—not to mention your looks—in one fell swoop. Dangerous little critters.’
Her looks? Since when had Julia Bennett been bothered about her looks? Most women would have had a fit at the thought of being without any make-up or beauty products having being presented with an unexpected overnight stay in the company of a lover. It hadn’t even occurred to Julia to worry about anything other than pyjamas.
Something didn’t ring true but Mac wasn’t about to try and find out what it was. He was too busy coping with something happening in his head that vaguely resembled a train crash.
The echo was uncanny. This could have been Christine talking. No chance of preventing her intrusion now. Her voice was there—loud and clear.
You think I want a kid? Holding me back? Interfering with everything I want to do with my life?
He had taken a wrong turn. Reached a dead end.
Again.
He’d fallen in love with someone who had no desire to follow the same path in life. A path that led to a solid, loving partnership. The kind his parents had had. And, yes, children. To turn that partnership into a family. And not just one child because he knew how lonely that could be.
This shouldn’t matter. He’d never intended to get to this point when he’d started this fling with Julia. Thinking about marriage. Imagining children, for heaven’s sake. Little girls as feisty as their mother. Small boys he could teach to skip stones.
Not in this lifetime, mate. The words echoed and took on the ring of an inscription carved in stone. So cold and hard it was contagious. Mac could feel it in his heart. Chilling every cell in his body.
At least this time he might be able to escape without making himself look and feel like a complete failure. Before it got spelt out that there were more important things in life than the dreams he treasured. Dreams that made him who he was.
Mac let go of Julia’s hand. ‘We can get on the boat now,’ he said, knowing his tone would be as expressionless as his face. ‘Let’s go home.’
If he’d been quiet and thoughtful on the drive towards the end of the island of Mull, Mac was very different on the return journey to the big ferry that would take them back to the mainland.
His conversation was as mundane as that observation Julia had made earlier about the approaching boat. Safe things. Buffers. They talked about the scenery and the weather and, brick by brick, Julia could feel a wall being built between them.
The weather, for heaven’s sake.
Julia responded on autopilot. She knew perfectly well what Mac was doing. That he was upset. And she knew why. It confirmed her suspicion that he’d been intending to propose to her. To offer to share his life with her. She’d also been equally correct in the assumption she’d passed on to her sister all those weeks ago that Mac saw a family as a vital part of that future. Preferably a big family—the kind he’d never had.
She was busy hating herself for what she’d done. Trying to stave off feeling miserable. Bereft, in fact. If she gave it any head room she would have to deal with a grief she’d thought she’d dealt with a long time ago but it was still there. Waiting.
So she talked about the stupid weather and how lovely it had been earlier that morning but how those gathering clouds did indeed make it look like they could be in for a downpour before they made it back to the city.
They were skittering on conversational ice, with occasional silent patches as they desperately sought something safer. Julia thought they’d found it when they began to talk about what would be the start of their working week tomorrow.
‘What kinds of things do you think you might have missed out on?’ Mac asked as they drove onto the big ferry. ‘Anything we can try and fit into the next couple of weeks?’
‘I’ve done everything I hoped for,’ Julia told him. ‘A lot more, in fact.’
‘True.’ Mac nodded. ‘That train crash was one of a kind, that’s for sure.’
Julia simply nodded. The bonus of a major incident like that train crash hadn’t been what had leapt to her mind. It had been something much more personal. The unexpected twist that falling in love represented.
‘You were amazing that day.’ Mac had stopped the car but didn’t get out. ‘I’ll make sure I put it all in that report I’ve got to write.’
Julia nodded again. ‘Thanks. I couldn’t have done it without you, though. You’ve been the best, Mac.’ She found she was brave enough to meet his gaze for a moment. A plea for forgiveness, perhaps? ‘You’ve taught me so much.’
Like what being in love could actually be like. How it could colour every aspect of your life. Make you try harder and achieve more. Be a better person. How had she ever believed she was in love with Peter? Such a pale comparison to what she felt for this man that it would be easy to wipe it from her memory. But she couldn’t afford to do that. Especially not now.
‘I’ve already had a look at the logbooks.’ Mac’s gaze slid away from hers as he led the way up to the passenger lounge and she hadn’t seen any response to her unspoken plea. ‘I’ll pick out the best to put in the report. One thing did strike me, come to think of it.’ He held open the door for Julia. ‘An area you might be a bit light on.’
‘Oh?’
‘Paediatrics.’
Julia walked past him and stopped by the rail on the deck. She turned her face away from the brisk breeze and looked back at the island but she wasn’t seeing it.
Mac knew that she knew what he’d been thinking of asking. That what she’d said about not wanting children was a deal breaker. But he wasn’t going to say anything about it and neither was she. It was for the best if they could shove this back under a mental rug and pretend it had never happened.
They only had a couple of weeks left and then it would all be over. How hard could it be to just let things run their course? Go back to the way things had been only a day or two ago and make the most of what they had?
Very hard, given that Mac wasn’t about to forgive what she’d said. She could tell him the truth but what was the point? She knew what Mac wanted. What he needed, and she couldn’t give it to him. Maybe it was kinder to allow him to be angry and to shoulder the blame herself. She deserved this pain because she’d known all along that she shouldn’t have used Mac like this.
The only problem was that Julia wasn’t at all sure she could carry it off for the hour or two it would take them to get back to Glasgow, never mind the week or two until she packed her bags and left the country.
She had no choice. She straightened her back and turned.
‘You’re right,’ she said. ‘I’d better do something about that, hadn’t I?’ Julia even managed
a smile as that crack in her heart widened. ‘I’d hate to get a black mark on that report.’
CHAPTER EIGHT
THE clouds that had been gathering as they travelled home became a storm that hit the headlines the next day. There were accidents everywhere, with drivers unable to handle dangerous road conditions and the high winds damaging houses and trees, with some unfortunate people getting in the way of the debris. Roads were closed and the emergency services were inundated with calls.
The helicopter was grounded but Julia and Mac had never been so busy. They sped around the city, going from one job to the next with barely enough time to grab something to eat or drink, let alone talk to each other about anything other than the next job. And that suited Mac just fine because he had nothing he wanted to say. Nothing he could say, anyway, until he’d got his head around all this a bit more. The distance created between them yesterday had grown overnight. It had taken a huge leap when Mac had dropped her home and hadn’t stayed. He couldn’t. He’d needed time to think.
‘Angus has been complaining about the state of the laundry,’ was all he said. ‘It’s high time I caught up on some chores.’
There was a lull in the weather, late in the day and Julia and Mac were dispatched to a rural area. A woman was in labour and she was alone in an isolated farmhouse apart from her three other children. It had been the eldest, an eight-year-old girl, who had made the call for help.
‘Mummy’s bleeding,’ she’d sobbed. ‘And I don’t know where Daddy’s gone. I tried to get to the Kendricks next door but the bridge is all covered with water and…I can’t swim and…and I don’t know what to do…’
Joe had looked dubious. ‘We don’t know how long this lull is going to last. It’s a good thirty-minute flight. No guarantee we’ll be able to evacuate her if we do manage to land.’
‘She needs help,’ Mac said. ‘Just how risky is it?’
Joe shrugged. ‘We’ve been out in worse.’
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