Hiccup.
‘This is where the tricky part gets trickier…’
wheezed Old Wrinkly. ‘The antidote to the sting of the
Venomous Vorpent is the Vegetable-that-No-one-Dares-
Name.’
‘What, you mean the POTATO?’ gasped Hiccup.
‘Sssssh,’ whispered Old Wrinkly, desperately
flapping his hands. ‘You’re not supposed to name it! It’s
bad luck!’
‘But the POTATO is an imaginary vegetable!’ said
Hiccup, who thought all this talk of bad luck was just
superstition. ‘It doesn’t really exist!’
‘There are those that say the Vegetable-that-No-
one-Dares-Name can be found in a great country to the
west known as America…’ Old Wrinkly pointed out.
‘But most people say,’ said Hiccup slowly, ‘that
there’s no such place as America. Most people say
that it’s an imaginary land that only crackpot weirdos
believe in. Most people think that the earth is as flat as
a pancake, and if you sail too far to the west you will fall
off the end of it.’
‘That is what most people say,’ admitted Old
Wrinkly, shrugging his shoulders and carrying on puffing
his pipe.
‘And even if there WAS such a thing as this
so-called potato in this so-called land called America,’
argued Hiccup, ‘we’re never going to be able to sail to it
and find the antidote in only ONE DAY. In one day
you’d hardly be out of the Sullen Sea… the thing you’re
suggesting is IMPOSSIBLE.’
‘There’s no such thing as im-POSSIBLE,
Hiccup,’ snorted Old Wrinkly, ‘only im-PROBABLE.
The only thing that limits us are the limits to our
imaginations… and I used to think of you as an
imaginative boy. Give up, if you want to… but I used to
think of you as the sort of boy who would NEVER give
up, however bad things looked.’
‘OK, then,’ said Hiccup crossly. ‘Give me one
reason not to give up.’
‘I will give you a reason,’ said Old Wrinkly.
‘There is a chance that Norbert the Nutjob, Chief of the
Hysterics, may have the antidote to Vorpentitis.’
Hiccup jumped. ‘NORBERT THE NUTJOB??’
said Hiccup. ‘Why does HE have a POTATO? Where
did he get it from?’
‘I will explain by telling you the story of Norbert
the Nutjob’s father and the Doomfang,’ said Old
Wrinkly.
‘You do that,’ said Hiccup, already feeling
anxious at the mere mention of Norbert the Nutjob.
Old Wrinkly relit his pipe. ‘I have to warn you,
Hiccup,’ wheezed Old Wrinkly between puffs, ‘that, like
a lot of stories, this may or may not be true…’
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94
The Story of Norbert the Nutjob’s Father
and the Doomfang
‘Fifteen years ago,’ began Old Wrinkly, ‘the Chief of
the Hysterical Tribe was Norbert the Nutjob’s father,
Bigjob... The Hysterics have never believed that the world
is flat, and that if you sail too far to the west you will fall
off the end of it. The Hysterics think this is poppycock.
Bigjob believed that the earth was as round as the moon,
and he set out to prove it.
‘Bigjob built the greatest Viking ship you have ever
seen, a ship called The American Dream, and he sailed far,
far to the west through storms as black and wild as Woden’s
nightmares. He sailed past icebergs higher than a ship’s great
mast and on and on over the Great Green Sea Desert, and
however far he sailed he never came to the end of the world,
for the world is as round as a circle, and a circle has no end.’
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Hiccup could contain himself no longer. ‘Is this
true?’ he burst out. ‘Is the world really a circle that has
no end?’
‘I have no idea,’ replied Old Wrinkly calmly. ‘As I
told you, this is a story. Be quiet and I’ll tell you the end.
‘After a journey so long it seemed like for ever,
Bigjob at last found the land that he had dreamed about,
the land called America. This was a glorious country, full
of natural Treasures like the Vegetable-that-No-one-Dares-
Name, and friendly natives that Bigjob called “Feather
People”. Bigjob spent a happy couple of months there before
returning home to the Inner Isles.
‘Norbert’s father decided to take back with him a
FROZEN VEGETABLE-THAT-NO-ONE-DARES-
NAME, so that everybody would believe that he really
had been to America. On the journey back, Bigjob had
an extraordinary feeling the ship was being FOLLOWED.
At first he thought it was a great whale or a shark, but
eventually he realised it was something far, far worse. It was
a tremendous Sea Dragon called a DOOMFANG.’
‘That is strange,’ interrupted Hiccup. Hiccup
knew a great deal about dragons, and this was very odd
behaviour for a Doomfang. Doomfangs are heavily
armed, terrifying creatures, but they normally just ignore
humans.
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‘Will you stop interrupting?’ said Old Wrinkly.
‘This dreadful animal followed them all the way
from America like a Curse. It was only when they reached
the Wrath of Thor that the animal attacked, and tried to
swallow the boat. Bigjob was very brave. Riding his dragon
the Thunderer, he shot arrow after arrow at the Doomfang.
These specially sharp arrows had been given to Bigjob by
the Feather People, who are very expert at making arrows.
Bigjob was down to his last arrow when the Doomfang
finally killed him. Ever since that day, the Doomfang has
never left the Wrath of Thor. For fifteen years, no one has
been able to get into Hysteria, and no one can come out.
The Chief of the Hysterical Tribe is now Bigjob’s son,
Norbert the Nutjob, and he has never got over the death
of his father. It is said that he keeps the frozen Vegetable-
that-No-one-Dares-Name in a casket, and it is in as good
condition as it was fifteen years ago.
‘So there you are,’ said Old Wrinkly, ‘That is the story
of Norbert the Nutjob’s father and the Doomfang. Of
course, at this time of year, the Wrath of Thor is frozen
over, and the Doomfang is trapped under the ice. And
Hysteria is only a three-hour sleigh ride from here.’
Hiccup jumped to his feet. ‘I know,’ he said. ‘We
were there only yesterday. We haven’t got a moment to
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lose… I must go to Hysteria and bring back the
antidote.’
Fishlegs’s mouth dropped open. ‘I can’t believe
I’m hearing this… you’re thinking of GOING BACK
TO HYSTERIA??? The creepiest, grimmest, scariest
place I have ever been to in all my life, and you’re going
to go there in the DARK?’
‘The Hysterics won’t see me coming in the dark,’
Hiccup pointed out.
‘You shot Norbert the Nutjob in the bottom
with an ARROW!’ howled Fishlegs. ‘You think you can
/> just ask him politely to give you his precious American
vegetable and he’s just going to HAND IT OVER??’
‘Burglary may be involved,’ admitted Hiccup.
‘And all because of Old Wrinkly’s
SOOTHSAYING? Everybody knows that Old Wrinkly
is nearly as hopeless at soothsaying as you are at
Frightening Foreigners.’
‘Thank you,’ murmured Old Wrinkly.
Fishlegs hadn’t finished yet. ‘I keep on telling
you… I have just got a BAD COLD… A… a… a…
tish-yoo! Actually, I’m not feeling that well… would you
mind if I lay down for a moment?’
‘Be my guest,’ said Old Wrinkly. ‘You can have
my bed… and I’ll make you some hot lemon and honey.
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Don’t forget, Hiccup, you have until ten in the morning
tomorrow, before Fishlegs dies… TEN in the morning,
mind…’
So Hiccup left Old Wrinkly looking after his
great friend Fishlegs, and ran out of the door. He had
finally realised he might not have much time left…
And although he didn’t know it at the time,
those were the first steps he took towards the scariest,
the most alarming and ghastly adventure of his life so
far. He was indeed setting out on a quest… a quest that
would be a race against time and lead him to a terrifying
monster and icy peril, which would be sung about by
bards ever after as the Quest for the Frozen Potato.
7. THE QUEST FOR THE
FROZEN POTATO
Hiccup marched out of Old Wrinkly’s house back to the
Celebrations in the Harbour, followed by a grumbling
Toothless. For about six hundred metres he was
absolutely certain about what he was going to do.
He would go and explain to his father what had
happened, and ask him to set up a quest for the Frozen
Potato. The Hooligans were always going on quests.
But when he eventually found his father, who was
trying his luck in the Frozen Lucky Dip, he suddenly
didn’t feel quite so sure of himself.
Stoick wasn’t as pleased to see his only son as
he normally was. He had just lost a big bet because
the Bog-Burglar Young Heroes had WHIPPED the
Hooligan Young Heroes in the Smashsticks-on-Ice
Competition, fourteen goals to nil. So Stoick was not in
the best of moods.
‘Bother that Old Wrinkly and his stupid
soothsaying. An EASY WIN for the Hooligans, he said.
Put all your money on it, he said. And what happens?
The Bog-Burglars win fourteen – NIL. I
should have known it,’ Stoick muttered to
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himself, as he drew a large frozen object from the lucky
dip and tried to work out what it was. Fish? A useful
axe? A small chair?
‘Father,’ said Hiccup determinedly, ‘I want to set
out on a quest.’
Stoick looked at his son with surprise. ‘What sort
of quest?’
‘You remember my friend Fishlegs?’ said Hiccup.
Stoick rubbed his nose crossly and grunted.
‘Old Wrinkly says the reason he attacked you
was because he has been stung by the Venomous
Vorpent and he is in the first stage of Vorpentitis, and
that causes episodes of madness, you know… and the
thing is, Father, unless we can find the antidote in time
Old Wrinkly says Fishlegs may DIE…’
Stoick looked as if he wasn’t sure whether to
be sad or happy… but then he saw his son’s face and
hurriedly looked sad.
‘Um… yes… oh dear…’ said Stoick.
‘So I want to set out on a quest for the antidote,’
announced Hiccup.
‘What is the antidote?’ asked Stoick the Vast.
‘Old Wrinkly says the antidote is the potato,’ said
Hiccup.
‘SSSSSShhhh!’ said Stoick. ‘You’re not supposed
101
to name it! And the Vegetable-that-No-one-Dares-
Name is an imaginary vegetable – surely you know that,
Hiccup?’
‘Old Wrinkly says that the Hysterics went to
America and brought back a frozen potato,’ continued
Hiccup stubbornly. ‘So I want to FIND the potato and
save Fishlegs’s life.’
‘I FORBID YOU TO DO ANY SUCH
THING!’ roared Stoick.
‘If we don’t believe in the potato Fishlegs may
DIE!’ Hiccup yelled right back at his father.
Stoick the Vast lost his temper and waved the
Unidentified Frozen Object (U.F.O.) around his head.
He roared at his son so loudly poor Hiccup’s
ears rang.
‘YOUR FRIEND FISHLEGS IS A LITTLE
WEIRDO WHO JUST CALLED ME A JELLY-
BELLIED LARDY-BOTTOMED GREEDIGUTS!’
Hiccup flinched as if he had been struck, and
then Stoick felt ashamed, and controlled himself. He
reached out and patted his son on the shoulder, and he
tried to speak more reasonably.
‘Look, son, I know this is difficult for you,
because you are fond of your friend, but let’s just say
that for once in a blue moon Old Wrinkly is right. Even
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then, as the Chief I WILL NOT risk the life of my only
son for the sake of a little weirdo that Fate has got it in
for.’
‘Isn’t it the Chief’s job to do that?’ said Hiccup
steadily. ‘Fishlegs has no one else to look after him.’
‘You WILL NOT do it,’ said Stoick, very
meaningfully indeed. ‘Because I FORBID it, and that
is an order, son. An order from your CHIEF.’ Stoick
put the U.F.O. on his head (he had decided it was a
HELMET) and stalked off.
The unfortunate thing about going on a quest to
save the life of your sick best friend is that you have no
best friend to go with you. Hiccup watched his father
stalking off with what looked very like a frozen chair on
his head, and wondered miserably what his chances were
if he went on the quest for the Frozen Potato alone.
Not im-POSSIBLE, he thought sadly, but, let’s
face it, im-PROBABLE.
Camicazi stuck her head out from underneath
the Lucky Dip table.
‘Did I hear someone mention the word quest?
When do we get started?’
‘Oh, Camicazi... You really shouldn’t listen in on
other peoples’ conversations,’ said Hiccup.
Camicazi wriggled out from underneath the table
103
and started doing handstands. She still had her ice-
skates on.
‘Us Bog-Burglars always listen in on other
peoples’ conversations,’ she said cheerfully. ‘It’s one
of the reasons I’m going to be so helpful to you on the
quest for the Frozen Potato.’
‘YOU are not going on the quest for the Frozen
Potato,’ said Hiccup. ‘It’s far too dangerous.’
‘Dangerous? PAH!’ boasted Camicazi. ‘Why,
I’ve burgled whole flocks of SHEEP off the
Visithugs… I’ve picked the pockets of the Perilous
Pirates… I’ve stolen the helmet right off the head of
Madguts the Murderous,
and you want me to steal one
measly little vegetable?? No problemo, Hiccup, watch
and learn, my boy, watch and learn.’
Hiccup raised his eyes to the heavens. If
Camicazi had a fault, it was that she was very, very
pleased with herself. But it had to be admitted, she was
an excellent burglar.
‘There’s this Madman with an Axe…’ Hiccup
pointed out.
‘Better and better,’ said Camicazi. ‘There’s
nothing I enjoy more than teasing Madmen with Axes.
It’s my favourite sport. If you don’t let me join in I’ll tell
your big fat cross father where you’re going.’
105
‘But that’s blackmail!’ protested Hiccup.
‘You see,’ grinned Camicazi, ‘we Bog-Burglars
have no morals at all. It’s very useful to us.’
Hiccup gave up, and said she could come if she
wanted to.
Camicazi rushed off to get her burglary
equipment, and Hiccup prepared a small sleigh to take
them to Hysteria.
He also pulled down his boat, The Hopeful Puffin,
to drag on runners behind the sleigh.
‘What are you doing?’ asked Camicazi, returning
with her arms laden with ropes and oddly-shaped pointy
metal objects.
‘It’s getting so near to springtime, the ice may
start cracking when we’re out there. And if it does we’re
going to need some way of getting back across the
Sullen Sea,’ replied Hiccup, trying not to think about
what would happen if the ice REALLY DID melt. That
might mean they had to face the Doomfang, on top of
all their other problems.
Hiccup went off to look for One Eye, and
explained his problem, and the big Driver laughed
sneerily.
‘Look, revolting little Human boy, I don’t
know why you think I might want to help you. I am
106
not your mummy. I HATE humans. One thing I will
absolutely SWEAR to you. I will NEVER, repeat
NEVER, waste a tear crying over the death of one of
you Human No-Brainers.’
‘Ah,’ said Hiccup cunningly, ‘but the
antidote isn’t just going to save the life of
How to Train Your Dragon: How to Cheat a Dragon's Curse Page 5
