And every night she went to bed alone, thinking, Tomorrow, then.
One piece of knowledge, bone-deep and certain, kept her going: Vivi Ann didn’t love Luke. For her beautiful, reckless sister, dating Luke was a lark, a way to pass the time.
All Winona had to do was keep hiding her feelings and wait for the inevitable breakup.
Now, on this Saturday night, she dressed for the last of the barrel-racing series events with care: black jeans, a long white tunic top, layers of stone-bead necklaces in bright colors, and black cowboy boots. Curling her hair and spraying it to hold, she put on plenty of makeup and then drove over to the ranch.
The driveway was full of truck-and-trailer combinations. Yellow light spilled from the barn’s open end; she could see shadows moving back and forth across the light, breaking its beam. Vivi Ann’s final barrel-racing event appeared to be a success.
Finding an open spot, she went to the barn and looked in. The honey wooden plaid of the new roping chutes and return alley lined one wall of the arena and the suspended announcer’s booth was nearing completion. In the arena, there were at least twenty-two women and girls on horseback. One was racing around the first of three yellow barrels, the rider angled forward, kicking hard, yelling, Ha! loudly; the others were probably waiting their turn.
And Vivi Ann stood in the middle of it all, running the insanity like a beautiful, golden ringmaster. The women and girls hung on her every word, treating her like a movie star because she knew how to make a horse run around three barrels in under fourteen seconds.
Vivi Ann saw Winona and waved.
Winona waved back, even as she looked around for Luke. Assured that he wasn’t in the arena, she walked down to the farmhouse and let herself in, calling out, “Hey, Dad.”
“I’m in the study,” Luke answered.
Smiling, she went to see him.
“Hey, there,” he said, rising automatically. “You just missed your dad.”
She smiled brightly. Thank God. “That’s okay. I came by to get the bills.”
“It’s too late to be working,” Luke said. “And it’s a Saturday night. What do you say we have a beer?”
“You want to go to the Outlaw?”
“I told Vivi Ann I’d be here when she was done, so how about the Grey family back porch instead?”
“Of course,” she said, forcing her smile to stay steady.
She got the beers and a warmer coat and followed him outside. On this late April evening, the air was cool but not cold, and as crisp as a new sheet of paper. Down at the bulkhead, a rising tide slapped against the cement and splashed over, dampening the grass. Along the weathered white railing, a row of collected shells reminded her of all the beachcombing they’d done as children.
They sat side by side with the ease of childhood friends, talking about their days. Luke told her about the foal he’d delivered and the wound he’d stitched up; she relayed a funny story about a client who wanted to buy a wolf pup for his son and didn’t understand why an animal that lived around here could be considered exotic and therefore forbidden in town.
The more they talked, the more Winona felt that tightening in her belly ease. When she was with him it was easier to believe that there could be a future for them. Even her bitterness toward Vivi Ann softened to manageable proportions. In his presence she was like a stick of warm butter, slowly losing shape. “You said you came home because you were restless,” Winona said, her words coming a little hesitantly. She didn’t want to probe too deeply, but she’d been plagued by her desire to know everything about him. “What are you looking for?”
He shrugged. “My sister says I’m too romantic. That it’ll be the death of me. I don’t know. I just wanted something else. And all my life I heard stories about my dad and how he cleared this land by hand and found his place. I want to do something like that.”
“I hardly remember your dad,” Winona said. “Except that he was huge, and he had a voice like a grizzly bear. He used to scare me when he yelled.”
Luke leaned back. “Did I ever tell you I quit talking when he died?”
“No.”
“For a year. Third grade. I knew everyone was scared—my mom kept taking me to doctors for tests, and she cried all the time—but I just couldn’t find my voice.”
“What happened?”
“I got over it, I guess. One day I just looked at my mom across the dinner table and said, ‘Pass the potatoes, please.’ ”
She looked at him, remembering how keen the loss of a parent could feel. It made her ache for the little boy he’d been, and she wanted to reach out and touch him, maybe say how alike they were. Instead, she looked away before he recognized the longing in her gaze. “What did Vivi Ann say when you told her about your dad?”
“Oh, Vivi and I don’t talk about things like that.”
“Why not?”
“You know Vivi Ann. She just wants to have fun. That’s what I love about her. There are enough serious people in the world.”
Winona felt as if he’d just cut her down, even if that wasn’t what he’d intended. Here she was, right beside him, listening to his secrets, and still he didn’t see her.
Men only cared about physical beauty. Her mistake had been in expecting more of him.
“Can I tell you a secret?” he asked.
She couldn’t smile. The irony poked at her. “Of course. Secrets are always safe with a lawyer.”
He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small blue ring box.
Winona wasn’t exactly sure how she made herself move, how she reached out and took it from him. Her heart was beating so loudly she couldn’t hear the rising tide anymore. Slowly, she opened the lid and saw a diamond ring inside. Moonlight caught its light, made it sparkle like a tiny star against the blue velvet. For a terrible moment, she thought she might be sick.
“I’m going to ask her to marry me,” he said.
“But . . . it’s only been three months . . .”
“I’m twenty-eight, Win. That’s old enough to know what I want.”
Something inside of her was dying, turning slowly to ash. “And you want Vivi Ann.” Did he hear the brittleness in her voice? She didn’t know, didn’t care.
“How could I not?”
Winona had no answer for that. Everything came easily to Vivi Ann; love most of all.
“Tell me you’re happy for me, Win,” he said.
She looked right at him and lied.
Chapter Four
On the night of the barrel-racing awards banquet, Vivi Ann studied her work with a critical eye.
The main room of the Eagles Hall had been decorated from floor to ceiling. She’d hung streamers from the ceiling and draped all the tables in rented red-and-white-checked tablecloths. A table had been set up at the front of the room, with a podium and microphone at its center. Pretty spring flower arrangements—donated by a local florist—gave each table a festive look. On the walls were dozens of posters studded with eight-by-ten photographs of the barrel-racing series participants. In the back of the room, big speakers had been set up. They were silent now, but soon they’d be pumping dance music into the place.
“What do you think?” she asked Aurora, who had spent most of the day working with her to set up the event. Outside, the weather had cooperated, giving them a bright, sunny late April day with not a rain cloud in sight.
“It’s as good as this old place can look,” she said.
Vivi Ann thought so, too. “Mae will be bringing the food over from the diner in about an hour.”
Aurora put down her hammer and came over to Vivi Ann, hooking an arm around her. “You’ve done a great job, Vivi. The series was a success, and this banquet will really get everyone talking.”
“I hope the girls bring their dads. The first team roping is only two weeks away. I want to get as many guys signed up as early as I can.”
“You can’t go anywhere in town without seeing a flyer. The ropers will come.”
“Speaking of screwed, how is Luke?”
Vivi Ann laughed. “I never said I was screwing him.”
“You never said you weren’t. But really, Vivi, I saw you guys at the Outlaw last night. You looked pretty lovey-dovey.”
“Everyone is lovey-dovey at the Outlaw. It’s the tequila.”
Aurora sat down on the table beside her and looked up. “Are you in love with him?”
Vivi Ann knew that she and Luke were a constant topic of conversation in town. Everyone accepted that he was in love with her. On their regular weekend night at the Outlaw Tavern, he told everyone who would listen that she’d stolen his heart over a bowl of ice cream. “One look and I just knew,” he always said.
She had no idea what to say to that, how it was supposed to make her feel. She really liked Luke. They had a lot of fun together and lots in common.
But love?
How would she know? All she knew for sure was that they’d been together for nearly three months and he still acted nervous around her, still touched her cautiously, as if he were afraid that passion would break her. Last night, when he’d kissed her goodnight, she’d found herself wanting more, needing more. But how could you tell a good man that you needed him to be a little bad?
“You’re not answering me,” Aurora said.
“I don’t know how.”
Aurora gave her a look. “You just did.”
Vivi Ann changed the subject before it plunged into murkier waters. “Where’s Winona? She’s been sort of distant the past few weeks. Have you noticed?”
Aurora got up and began rearranging the floral centerpiece. “What do you mean?”
“Is something going wrong at work? She told me she had better things to do than decorate the Eagles Hall.”
“I think she’s got some big case coming up.”
“Luke said she’s giving him the cold shoulder, too.”
“You know Win. When she’s wrapped up in something . . .”
“Yeah. I miss her around the house, though.”
“You’ll have to get used to that. You’re with Luke now.”
“What does that have to do with anything? You’re married and I see you all the time. We still go to the Outlaw on Fridays together. Sisters trump men, remember? We made that pact a long time ago. Just because I’m dating someone doesn’t mean I’ll blow you and Win off. I’d never let a man do that to us.”
She heard Aurora sigh. “I know. I told her that.”
“You talked about this? What did she say? What’s wrong?”
Aurora finally quit messing with the flowers and looked up. “I told her she needed to stop working all the time.”
“Good. When she comes tonight I’ll tell her the same thing.”
“Uh. She’s not coming.”
“What?”
“This is your night.” Aurora paused. “And you’ve had a lot of them. Just cut her some slack, okay? Let her figure things out. She’s a little fragile right now.”
“Winnie? She’s as fragile as a jackhammer.”
“Come on,” Aurora said finally. “Enough talk about Win. Everything is ready here. Let’s go get dressed.”
Vivi Ann followed her sister to the Eagles’ restroom, where they’d left their evening clothes hanging on one of the stall doors. In the hustle and bustle of getting ready, she forgot all about Winona’s hissy fit and concentrated on looking her best. She curled her long blond hair on big electric rollers and sprayed it all to stay in place. It only took a little makeup—mascara, blush, and lip gloss—to accentuate her features. Then she dressed in a flowy sleeveless polka-dot dress with a wide crystal-encrusted belt and her good boots.
For the next two hours, she was on top of the world. The banquet was a complete success. Twice the number of people she’d expected had shown up and everyone had had a great time. By the time she’d given away all of the prizes and thanked people for participating, she was already fielding requests for a fall series.
“Next time I’ll give away a saddle,” she told Luke as he swept her onto the dance floor. “We need really great prizes. And lots of cash. That’ll keep them coming back. We could do two jackpots a month instead of one.” She laughed at her own enthusiasm. It was like drinking too much champagne, this feeling she had right now, and she didn’t want it to stop.
When the banquet was finally over, and the place had been cleaned up and everyone had gone home, she still wasn’t ready to leave.
“Let’s go for a walk,” Luke said, bringing her heavy woolen coat.
“That’s a great idea.” She snagged a half-empty bottle of champagne and carried it with her. Hand in hand, they walked through town. She kept up a steady stream of conversation. Caught up in the magic of her success, she was a little surprised to find that they were at the Waves Restaurant. It was closed down for the night, but Luke led her out to the deck, where they found an empty cast-iron table with two chairs. Sitting there, in the glow from a single outdoor light, with the Canal waves moving restlessly on the beach below, she said, “Did you see my dad smiling tonight?” She’d been thinking of it for hours, replaying it in her head so she would never forget it. “I know it meant a lot to him. He’d never say anything, but I know he’s always felt that he didn’t live up to his father’s legend. If we make Water’s Edge a viable business, it will be his way of leaving his mark on this land, of being another Grey that people remember.”
“I think I know another reason your dad was smiling.”
“Really?”
“I talked to him last night.”
“And that’s smile-worthy?” she teased, pouring champagne into the glasses she’d brought with them.
He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small box. “Marry me, Vivi Ann,” he said, opening the box to reveal a diamond ring.
It was like getting popped in the head by a fastball; you knew instantly you should have seen it coming and ducked. She tried to think of how to answer, what to say, knowing that only a yes and tears would make him happy.
“It made your dad smile,” he said.
Vivi Ann felt tears sting her eyes, but they were all wrong, not the kind he deserved at all. “It’s so early, Luke. We’ve only just started dating. We haven’t even—”
“The sex will be great. We both know that, and I respect you for wanting to wait until you’re ready.”
“Ready for sex is easy. This is . . .” She couldn’t even finish her thought. It was impossible for her to do what he wanted, to put on that ring and seal her fate. She looked up at him, feeling sadness well. She’d thought—foolishly—that not sleeping with him would slow down their relationship, but it hadn’t worked. He’d fallen in love with her anyway. “We hardly know each other.”
“Of course we do.”
“What’s my favorite ice cream?”
He drew back, frowning. She could tell that it was sinking in, that he knew this was going wrong. “Chocolate cherry. Dark and sweet.”
It was a question she asked every man who claimed to love her, a litmus test for how well they knew her. They always picked some sweet exotic flavor because that was how they saw her, but it wasn’t who she really was. Most of the men she dated—Luke included—stared endlessly at her face, declared their love in the first few months, and never thought they needed more. “Vanilla,” she said. “Inside, I’m plain old vanilla.”
“There’s nothing plain about you,” he said softly, touching her cheek with a tenderness that only made her feel worse.
“I’m not ready, Luke,” she said at last.
He looked at her for a long moment, studying her face as if it were a map he’d only just been handed, the terrain foreign. Then he leaned forward and kissed her.
“I’ll wait,” he promised.
“But what if—”
“I’ll wait,” he said again, cutting her off. “I trust you. You’ll get there.”
She wanted to say, No. I don’t think I ever will, but the words wouldn’t come.
Much later, when she stepped into the comforting quiet of the farmhouse, she looked longingly at her father’s closed bedroom door, wishing that she had a mother to talk to about this. Moving tiredly, she went upstairs and got ready for bed, but before pulling back her comforter, she walked over to her window. The ranch lay in darkness before her, lit here and there by a moon that seemed as worn-out as she. She knew that just beyond a row of evergreens lay Luke’s land, and she found herself wondering if that mattered. Not in the way her father cared, of course; in a deeper, more meaningful way of connection, of what it meant when two people grew up in the same place, knowing the same people, wanting the same things. Surely a property’s border could be a boundary, but was it also a line of common ground?
She turned away from her window and climbed into bed, unable to stop her thoughts from spinning back to his proposal.
If only she could talk to someone about how she felt. Her sisters were the obvious choice, but she was afraid of what they would say. Would they listen patiently and shake their heads and say, “Grow up, Vivi. He’s a good man.”
Should that be enough for her? Was she wrong to want passion? To dream of something—someone—more? She’d always imagined love to be turbulent and volatile, an emotion that would sweep her up and break her to pieces and reshape her into someone she couldn’t otherwise have become.
Was she a fool to believe in all that?
It felt as if something inside of Winona were slowly going bad, like a tomato left on the vine too long. In the past few days, she’d snapped at Lisa, lost a client, and gained five pounds. She couldn’t help herself, couldn’t control her emotions. She kept waiting for Vivi Ann to call her with the big news that she was engaged.
-->
