by Ann Patty
After a decade as a copy writer in the advertising business, burn out set in. The truth was that Terra was burned out on her whole existence. The job just added fuel to the fire. Her work was doable, yet the writing on the wall said that there would not be any new challenges on the horizon. The last year had quietly begun to kill off her work ethic and drive. No longer did Terra meet each work morning with eagerness.
However, just when Terra fretted over what change to make in her life, it occurred all on its own and out of nowhere. Whiffs of change and cut backs blew through the office one day. It piqued Terra's interest for she welcomed the next unknown step. But most of the people in her department grew anxious. A scant and tidy memo relayed that a reorganization was upon the horizon. Layoffs were inevitable. For those who volunteered to leave then, a generous severance package of four full months' pay, plus a layoff status thereafter guaranteeing unemployment benefits. Terra got in line first.
With one issue resolved, the other, Terra's long term partner relationship, continued to plague her thoughts. Terra had lived with Scott for as long as she could remember. They were inseparable high school sweethearts, the couple everyone coveted to endless envy. Curly blond locks splayed over Scott's brow were his trademark along with his sturdy, solid physique. It didn't hurt that his ice blue eyes made dead on contact when he addressed you. He was sincere, straight forward, and half the high school girls had swooned after him. But he only had eyes for Terra and he pushed a plan she never balked at.
Straight from high school into local colleges they went. Sharing a room, and then later they got an apartment. When they were both educated, and had their degrees, they easily transitioned into their jobs inside their chosen professions. It was smooth and graceful. All the time, Scott and Terra were like clones of what their parents had wanted, as well as their expectations of each other. No thought crossed their minds of anything different. Life was cozy. Then, as Scott's prosperity grew his dreams of home ownership materialized. Terra didn't mind being Scott's renter, mostly because the home was not her dream, but his.
Terra and Scott never shared the “I do” vows. No particular reason really. It just seemed like it did not fit either of them. Neither of them wanted children and both believed that would be the only basis for getting married. Terra and Scott held separate bank accounts. The house Scott bought was his by default. He wanted it and had the money to purchase it. Terra was ambivalent about home ownership and opted to pay her fair share of the expenses instead. In all their arrangement worked, at least on the logical level.
For the last several years, Terra's thoughts wandered, mostly to other men. Scott, while a decent and kind man, appeared to be stepping away from the idea of 'them'. Where once they had been crazy in love and had a sex life that rivaled the hottest of volcanoes, their way of life had fallen into an abyss. Terra longed for when Scott stood behind her, pushed her hair to one side and breathed deeply, damply upon the nap of her neck. It was a favorite turn on for both of them. This no longer was a part of their intimacy, for deep sensuality was expelled to their past.
It was not just the sex/love-making that was waning, but the closeness of the long gone intimate chats over morning coffee. Their relationship was languishing on many fronts. When Terra and Scott had first met, they were young with no particular place they had to be. As the years moved forward, they each found who they were separately as individuals. While it was good to be diverse, both Terra and Scott began to live separate lives, with different friends, hobbies, pursuits, and interests. Both became the person they needed to be without the other. While that was okay, even healthy, Terra longed to be with some other man to experience love-making again and to have that banter that only happens between two lovers. The consequence of their two lifestyles was that it left Terra feeling empty, and apparently Scott too.
Yes, the layoff came at the perfect time for Terra. She did not have to make any decision really. Three days prior, as Terra prepared a spaghetti sauce, in walked Scott looking distressed. Terra raised her eyebrows, questioning his expression, as if to say “what?” but nothing fell out of her mouth. Scott leaned his head to the side as if making an assessment of her. Then as guilty in the gut goes, Scott announced he had another woman in his life. In fact, they had been together for over a year and it was serious. He wanted his house back to himself, so that he could share it, of course, with the other woman.
Silence fell. Terra lowered her eyes to the spaghetti. The word “Oh” fell out of her mouth and into the tomato sauce. She was not surprised, but rather relieved. Then a silent thought materialized for Terra. She was liberated. Scott just released her from their long-term, commitment to nowhere. Finally, it was freedom and a chance to fly independent.
She said nothing and let Scott blunder all over himself out of guilt. He would not throw her out of the house immediately. “Take some time,” he said, “to figure out where to live. No hurry.”
Terra continued to stir the sauce. She wished she had taken a lover herself over the past few years. She was tired of being empty inside. Well, Scott just freed her up. Should she thank him? Yeah, he was a cheater and could not even be honest with her until the final curtain call. Why was it that relationships continued the status quo until one party got a secured lover? Couldn't partners talk about the train wreck before it happened? Would it not be logical to communicate along the way and agree to move apart? Instead one always dropped a bombshell with no fair warning and then the other partner was supposed to comply. All these logical, nonsensical thought balls flew around inside Terra's mind. Then she said plainly, “Scott, are you hungry? Do you want this dinner I prepared?”
Scott looked ragged, sheepishly for the news he had just delivered, and then surprised at Terra's collected demeanor. “Sure, I guess so, if it's okay?”
Terra looked at him pensively, thoughtfully. “Well, sit down, it is ready.” She dished up a mounding plate of spaghetti and bright red sauce decorated with mushrooms, sausage, bell peppers, seasonings, onions, and more. She approached Scott with the plate. He looked at her suspiciously, and she oddly winked back. Then Terra planted the platter of food on the table right in front of Scott. They were both thinking the same thing — the possibility of Scott wearing the food was quite high right then. But, Terra was always one to take the high road. Just once—and this would have been the once—Terra would have liked to do something way out of her character. Something outlandish to fit the event, such as a plate of sticky, staining sauce, hot from the stove top splattered in his face. But she could not, she reasoned. They both would get over and beyond this point in their lives so making a fuss seemed like a waste of energy.
Within less than a week, two major components of Terra's life had been removed to set her free. Scott was gracious, if one would call it that. He let Terra store her things in his garage until she got settled for however long it would take. For now, she had all that she needed inside her truck. If she were to never return for the rest of it then no worries there. The only thing missing in Terra's life was a dog to fill her passenger seat. She had longed for a canine companion. Her family of origin always had one or two while she was growing up and she missed this companionship. Since meeting Scott, there never seemed to be an opportunity to have a dog. Both of them worked and the house barely had a yard. This would not be fair for an animal, at least not a large one. Terra had no interest in lap dogs. They just didn't seem like a real dog to her. Someday, a dog would grace her path and one more manifestation would come true.
Road Liberation
The Canyon Road was rough, curvy, and cracked in a nostalgic type of way. The rolling hills held the road captive alongside the river. The locals used this road to go to recreation including: hunting, fishing, and access to the waterway. This stretch of road went south and would bypass highway 97. Terra took maps, but rarely used them. Her motto was to keep off the main routes and take the side roads whenever possible. Over the last half dozen years, she had taken solo trips and scoured th
e western part of the United States in vain. She knew her way around and maps seemed to just hinder her intuition which guided her. The secondary roads often led to parks and recreation spots with astonishingly beautiful composition.
When Terra first started exploring, she kept detailed maps of routes so she could retrace her steps if she ever wanted to return. It soon became apparent that once traveled, once she had journeyed to a spot, it became sacred with memories set to that spot. After a while, Terra stopped journaling. She had seen so many spots that recording them all seemed almost trite. The good spots she would not forget. Her intuition was excellent and she let that guide her while en route.
It was early morning in the Canyon. Terra let her long hair fly with the wind. She always wanted long hair and managed to grow it down to the small of her back. It was more to maintain, but Terra liked to feel it fall across her bare shoulders and down her spine. She always figured her hair would be cropped shorter for convenience as she aged. But for now, Terra identified her long locks with her sensuality. It was something Scott had said as he reached around and grabbed her hair, as she rode him. She had many memories that included Scott, which were precious since he was the only man that had been in her life. Their time together was good, really good, but Terra believed really great men waited for her out there somewhere.
There Terra was, blissfully flying down the road with her hair sailing alongside the truck window behind her head, and then it came to visit and was gone again. For the past several months, she had a particular vision of sorts. It was like a snapshot in time. But rather than a passive fleeting vision, Terra was convinced she had remote viewing capabilities. The only thing was that she could not direct this gift in any way, shape, or form. These viewings visited her in their own time and space, often when not being summoned.
As Terra aged, these viewings had become stronger. She just let them happen and remained the outside observer. Her visions now came with clarity. So clear in fact they had a sense of material reality. Undaunted by this endowment, Terra was more perplexed. On many occasions, these pie chart slices looked into the future and became reality. Terra regarded the part she could see like a slice out of the whole rest of the pie that she could not see. Whenever she attempted to revisit the dream, it was only that one slice of pie that she could access to 'taste'. Never the pie pieces before or after. Terra often reasoned if she knew more about physics then she might be able to place the pieces of time and space into some continuum that worked in this reality.
One vision was so fleeting, fast, and untraceable. It came fast and imprinted into Terra's psyche. She had seen it just in the last month at her work desk before her job evaporated. These visions occupied but a fraction of this world's time. Yet, the impression left was limitless. At first, these mini movies guarded Terra's thoughts. After a while she gave them acknowledgment and moved on. What was she to do, try to figure out the unknown by obsessing? When the slips of visions did come to pass, Terra was no worse for wear. However, she did learn one thing and that was these time warps sent her a message. Often if Terra glimpsed her future more than twice it meant that what she was being shown was a turning point in her life. Therefore, these visions were significant.
The sun was peeking through the valley now and hitting the pavement. Terra had to squint and did so before reaching for her sun shades. This vision that she had seen, she could not hold close. Yet as it slipped away, she did see the full moon wedged between two pillars of rock. She was seeing this from a vantage point of warmth, comfort, and stimulation. The raw beauty of the sheer cliffs angled against the sky and suspending the moon between them was awe inspiring. Terra felt swooned inside a cocoon of love and harmony. She was one with nature, chest deep, and submerged. Before her, the reflection of the moon cast itself upon dark depths. Her fingers reached out to touch and ripple the moon's outline. She was restrained though from behind and around her waist. She did not mind. Then nirvana slipped away.
The highway stretched out and soon it would merge back to the main freeway to head south. The roads dictated Terra's travel as her untraceable images faded once again. Road trips were great for fostering daydreams of the unthinkable. Never was there a concern for where Terra would spend her nights. She was pliable. Campgrounds served her well, as she had all the gear and makings of a comfortable night. The more remote and off the beaten path the place was, the better. Situated beside a creek or river was even more heavenly.
Her small pickup had a canopy with a ready-made mattress for a bed. Her gear was in the back of her extended cab, which kept her bed ready and waiting at all times. There was no hassle or fuss in the morning. It was just get up and go. Terra was set on getting off the road by dusk so she could get a feel for her new surroundings. Some nights she found abandoned construction sites to park. Any weekend travel would be conducive to staying at business back lots. Typically, the workers would be gone from Friday at 5pm until Monday at 8am. Walmart also offered a well-lit reprieve from parking in unknown places. In the back country, one could always find a motel to clean up, a waterfall along a hike, and other accommodations. Improvising and flexibility were a part of the adventure.
For tonight, twelve hours after she set off, Terra figured she'd stay somewhere in the mountain corridor. Perhaps it'd be Mt. Adams, Mt. St. Helens, or Mt. Hood. There was also the Columbia. It made no difference as she had been to all of these spots before. Between now and then, Terra would drive at an easy pace. She would occasionally stop to get gas. If a roadside fruit stand beckoned her, and they always did, Terra would find herself with bags of fresh fruits to munch on. If an off the beaten track trinket shop caught her eye, again she would stop. Terra was not much for hoarding stuff, but once in a while she would buy a piece of locally made jewelry. She liked to support the local artists even if she only placed a ten dollar bill in their hands. Terra figured a person could stop a dozen times en route and never get there; wherever there was. Today was one of those days — too much time and too many stops.
By nightfall, Terra had found a back road that headed west. Buried along the back side of a dusk darkened mountain, this gravel ascent would certainly lead to a camp spot. The road was not earmarked well; Terra just smelled it out like a good scout does. No ruts yet. Gravel washed out here and there graced the dimly lit path. Terra's friends always scolded her for her daring feats. Yes, it was probably foolish, even downright stupid, to go off and not let anyone have her travel itinerary. But, oh well, Terra the effervescent rule follower was now daring to bend entrenched patterns. Anyway, people now crawled all over this planet so eventually someone would find her even if she were dead. Comforting thought. Terra was tired of the status quo. This small, thumb your nose at have-to, was just that of how she felt right then.
Relinquish & Release
After seven miles, the road narrowed and came to a small turn around. It was time to scout. Getting out of the front seat, Terra did not realize how stiff her limbs had become. She thought it best to have a look around before the sun completely set. She could hear within earshot that water rushed nearby. Perfect. And there were flat spots a plenty. Others had camped here. Terra got back in her truck and jockeyed the rig until it felt level. No sleeping uphill or downhill tonight. Terra retrieved her sleeping bag, opened it, and threw it across the mattress bed under her truck's canopy.
Terra pulled out a folding chair and tiny table, then unwrapped her dinner. Terra's pseudo camping set up was minimal hassle. Hotel Hotspot, as Terra dubbed her station, was now operational. Munching down on peaches, pears, and granola, Terra's stomach was quickly satisfied. Before long, she scanned her environment and saw that the tall evergreens left dead branches at their bases. Firewood was abundant. Off to the side, some camper had left rocks in the ground that had served as their fire ring. Within minutes, Terra was staring into a healthy blaze.
Terra's eyes stared at nothing in particular. Her mind went to wandering. This was her first night permanently gone from her old life. It was liberat
ing, but it also scared her. Terra's life had always been a road map of certainty. Going from point A to point Z, setting goals, never wavering, and everything was done without questioning. Now here she sat in the middle of the woods, next to an unnamed river, against some mountain, where no soul could find her. The tough skinned, can-do-anything, Terra, slumped in her lawn chaise.
